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May 21, 2004


Turn, turn, turn (your stomach)

(Thanks to Bill Crider and Steve Lancaster)


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Could I be..first???

This is a joke, right? Ha ha ha?

OK, so the terrorists may have a point about SOME Western Culture...

but we still have Mrs. Lima.

Once again, there appears to be no reason for taste -- or lack thereof.

What I'd like to know is WHO in Germany follows him? AND how will Bay Watch fit in?

Much prefer Kitt to do the hip-hop. THAT would be cool.

David Hasselhoff =
A deaf old VHF hiss

International Space Station - a clarification

An article we published about life aboard the International Space Station reported that its commander said "it sucks".

We've been asked to point out that Commander Bill Shepherd apparently made the remark regarding only one particular procedure aboard the space station.

I think Kitt the car would be a better rapper than him.

Wave yo hands in the air!

Mike: And he was talking about the urinal, right?

Back to the article. This better be a joke. I just don't see Ice-T saying "Hassle The Hoff."

Then again, Hasselhoff is "said to be big in Germany." On instruction from Ice-T, I will now refer to him only as "The Hoff."

Well, considering The Sun is their reference it's entirely possible a retraction is in order.

After all, they were the ones that brought us Ms. Kerry in all her spendor.

"The Germans love David Hasslehoff"

- Norm MacDonald SNL Weekend Update

And they do, I saw a six foot by 4 foot poster of him in Frankfurt entitled "DAVID HASLEHOFF - Superstar!"

Note to Ice-T:

Frogs don't fly.

Fish don't sing.

51 year old white guys do not rap.

So far:

Kitt 2
The Hoff 0

Ice T ?

Never believe a word printed on ANANOVA! But, on the other hand, I heard someone on ESPN radio mention it too, so it must be true, right?

Elle, you're Special, not Evil.

Get it?

Punky, help me here....

So if you take the names David Hasselhoff and Ice-T, combine them, and then anagram them, does anything interesting result?

Who cares about the song, just wait for the videos! (suppose any baseball wives will be invited to perform in them?)

So far:

Kitt 2
The Hoff -3 (losing ground)

Ice T ?'able

Mrs. Lima 100,361

Think The Hoff and Dave could team up on ..... ?

Na, shot me NOW for even thinking about it!

Excuse me... opportunity.

Oh hell, that what afurrica posted... cry.

Mmmm . . . Bay Watch . . . ramparts (drools uncontrolably ala Homer Simpson).

BTW, if that gets stuck in your head for days and you find yourself humming it while you're waiting in line at the grocery store, stuck behind some ancient biddy who needs eighteen price checks and takes seven minutes to dig the exact change out of her cavernous handbag, I am truly, truly sorry.

Who knew that Hasselhoff lived in the 'Hood?

While I always keep a fistful of salt handy when I read Ananova, let's remember (until the meds mercifully kick in) that Pat Boone made a "heavy metal" album a while back, inspired by HIS LA neighbor Ozzy Osbourne. Really. I never heard it (thank God) but I can't get the image of him shirtless, wearing a leather vest and flexing hi s muscular christianity at the camera. The horror, the horror. . .

What the hell is wrong with that town? Let me rephrase that: What the hell ISN"T wrong with that town?

ps: by "that town" I mean the entertainment industry and everyone in it, not the city, county or greater metropolitan area of Los Angeles, which contains several million perfectly nice people who have real jobs and aren't jerks except when they're driving.

If Hasselhoff's smart (and nobody could be that lucky AND stupid) he'll record this rap thing in German, and aim directly at his loyal fans and leave the rest of us in peace. Or at least blessedly Hasselhoff rap-free.

Hey, if Tom Jones and Engelbert Humperdinck can do it, maybe this overtanned beach Adonis can too. Whaddayaknow. Give him a chance.


Saw Tom Jones a couple years ago in concert and MAN can he still wail! Heard his daughter turned his career around. Guess Kinders are good for something.

The Germans like him because they just like to to say HASSELHOFF!


"Dieses ist gerades so Unrecht!"

- Germany

Let's send Hasselhoff to Gitmo or one of the prisons in Iraq. He could extract confessions and information by singing, and America would set an example for the humane treatment of prisoners (Hey, we're just singing to them now, OK?).

The soldiers nearby might desert en masse, though.

Anybody have a favorite German word?

I like einkaufmoglichtkeiten

(=shopping facilities)

Don't know why.

Ok. Ice-"Cop Killah"-T and David Hasselhoff making an album together.

Other than an affinity to booty shaking strippers (which, to be fair, at least spoke in Hasselhoff's show, whereas rap videos only portray them being on leashes...) what could these two people POSSIBLY have in common?

If this is true, then it means the terrorists are right, and we need to blow up hollywood. Ooo! Better yet, let them make their music and then blare it at top volume at our enemies until they kill themselves off.

I know I would loose my will to live hearing Hasselhofff rap...



i've heard the pat boone album. they played cuts from it on our local rock station a few years back. very bizarre. bet there are clips on amazon or bn.com...



Davizzle Haselizzle fo Sizzle!



Who knows, Ice-T has made movies with giant snakes and killer sharks, maybe a coolaboration with Hasslehoff is the next logical step.

Who knows, Ice-T has made movies with giant snakes and killer sharks, maybe a coolaboration with Hasslehoff is the next logical step.

My favorite German word is Kuchen.
It is a custard type dessert with a sweet dough crust. Very delicious.

It is now available on the Handy Cart TM with the fruit filling of your choice.


Mahatma: fahrfugnugen.

Judi: I think playing Pat Boone was grounds for a class-action lawsuit by anyone within range of that station. Check with your lawyer. I think you've got a huge settlement coming.

Punky needs an intervention. Either that or she needs to encouraged to stalk DH to the point where he relocates to the Rhineland permanently.

Personally, I'm waiting for Michael Bolton's entry into the middle-age white guy desparately trying to hang onto a career in show biz rap album. That'll be something.

Can Kenny G be far behind?

The cool thing about Michale Bolton is that he's capable of mocking himself. Ever see the SNL episode where he leads a benefit album for free-range chickens? Him belting out "Set the chickens free!" is hilarious.

Hey, Hasselhoff appeared on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?," so he can't be all bad.

OK, so did Richard Simmons. Perhaps there is a flaw in my argument.

You realize you just said there's something "cool" about Michael Bolton, right. Surely you were mistaken.


(How does one spell the Homer drool noise?)

That was Michael Bolton? I thought it was Darrell Hammond.

Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.

Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.

Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.

Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Samir: Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?

Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

I know a dude in my office named Michael Bolton. Must be more common than one might first think.


My favorite German word (well, phrase..) is "Computerspiele Spielen" (to play computer games).. I used to drive my German professor nuts saying that all the time..

Samir Nagha, naghaaa.....not gonna work here anymore!!!

My favorite line, Office Space rules..anyone get to see "The Office" from the UK yet? Halriously painfully difficult to watch..now available at NetFlix (not an endorsement, i'm not even a member, but my friends are addicts)

ah punky, we meet at last.....


Damn, triple Office Space movie quotes. You beat me by 2 minutes, but I had 100% more Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.

Jeez y'all really like Office Space

sure do, Mahatma gonna work here anymore!

(thank gawd my office has a window, without the screwdriver)

Favorite German phrase that I coined:
Strasse Schnitzel = Road Kill

Ya know, for those who are of the vegetarian persuasion like this fair lizard, they now have:


I had it in Sweden. IT's not as suggestive as wienerschnitzel of course, but lower in fat. Or pigs, at least.

ig, LOVED the office. got the first season from netflix. got the 2nd season in my queue. love netflix too. got to see babylon5 also.

That's the one, I guess, that proves I am too old. I can quote Monty Python and Douglas Adams with anyone - but I didn't even think "Office Space" was watchable. Okay, based on who was in it, I suppose it was watchable, but certainly not quotable.

Of course, I can quote the entire script from "The Jerk," which was not any better, so...

I get to corrupt young people all day - what's not to like?

I also get to blow things up.

judi- I also love B5. A few years ago, when I had no social life, I watched it every night on the Sci-Fi Channel and tape recorded every dang episode.

I plan to netflix Deep Space 9, though.

Peter: I don't like my job and ... I don't think I am going to go anymore.

Joanna: You're just not going to go?

Peter: Yeah.

Joanna: Won't you get fired?

Peter: I don't know... But I really don't like it and.. ah.. I am not going to go.

Joanna: So you're gonna quit?

Peter: Na ah, not really, I'm just going spend all day posting comments on Dave Barry's blog...

Of course, I can quote the entire script from "The Jerk," which was not any better, so...

The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!

RE: The Jerk

I couldn't believe this, but as part of the new low-carb craze, the actually will serve your pizza in a cup, not on the crust:

"This is the best pizza in a cup I've ever had!"

Steve Martin should get a royalty...

Peter: Na ah, not really, I'm just going spend all day posting comments on Dave Barry's blog...


Yeah, this guy's great! He put the old Cup-a-Pizza guy right out of business.

Oh, I'm picking out a thermos for you
not an ordinary thermos for you
but the extra-best thermos you can buy
with vinyl, and stripes, and a cup built right in

Oh, I'm picking out a thermos for you
and maybe a barometer, too
and what else can I buy, so on me you'll rely
a rear-end thermometer, too!

Sheer genius.


I was born a poor black child.

I was trying to wait until Punky came back for this one, but I'll end my jerkiness with "What's happening to my Special Purpose?!"

This is Shinola and this is ...

How many here are old enough to know the expression and what Shinola was (is?).

Both from the movie, and old enough, yes. Of course, right after the explanation, he steps in it.

I am old enough. Way old enough.

KIWI killed Shinola.

RE: The Jerk

I was born a poor black child...

Nothing funnier than the scene where he finds out what his "special purpose" is.

That movie is priceless Steve Martin.

Damn slow computer. Y'all beat me to it.

"I can see you are a truly messy person."

"Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it."

"I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?"

"First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your a**. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book."

"You would think that in a fancy restaurant at these prices you could keep the snails off the food! There are so many snails there you can't even see the food!"

Somehow, I dont buy Ice-T referring to anybody as hassel the hoff, so that's suspect, but funnier than that was the album recorded 80 billion years ago by Jack Webb. Yes, ma'am, that Jack Webb. album was "spoken" love songs. including some famous tunes from the 60s, none of which comes to mind right now. But I'm not making this up, really. Ice-T & Hasselhoff? ach du leiber!

Visualize David Hasslehoff and Barry Manilow as an uptown, (Wayne) Newtonian, Outkast-like white bread rap group.

And then drink heavily.

Don't worry, Bangi_G -- You can do no wrong.

*hides behind Punky*

Bangi_? I still prefer you in front.

I will readily admit that I can't rap.
But once you hear me, you'll forget Michael Bolton (or at least Hassle the Hoff)!
**resists urge to change real link to BM site**
(the audio to my site doesn't work on a lot of computers - takes about a week to load)

And another week is done. Once I have had a few actual adult beverages and find my way home tomorrow morning, I'll try to remember how to turn on the computer and check in on all you virtual partiers.

Dang, afurrica, that link was CRUEL!

Warn me next time!

*riffles through CDs looking for something--heck even "its a small world" to take the hasselhoff song out of head*

For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex!

Seriously, for $1 I will.

Mahatma: Ber. Lots and lots of beer after seeing that story again. preferably the real Lowenbrau.

Jon: Many's the time I've cried out:
The phone book's arrived. I'm somebody!

Of course 'ber' is meaningless, but I was upset and you read 'beer' later. And I was already prepared for the story, as Bill sent it to me after sending it to Dave. Oh the humanity is right.

As for Ice-T, I thought he was off drugs? He must be back on them if that quote is anywhere near accurate. Either that or he's the world's biggest sellout. Or he's fucking with David's head (let's hope it's the last one).

Way back up in my last post, that should have been me

But I see that alex says links are being edited, so you all might be spared (if it didn't work this time).

Dammit. It is my mistake, not KR - I left a backslash or two out. Anyway, not worth trying again.

Don't worry, Bangi, Eminem and 311 are THE ONLY guys I will allow to rap. If you had to live with my brother, you'd all come to the same conclusion.

Well, David Hasselhoff rapping, the vengeance of spammers, and increased censorship, combined with Little Miss Hooters and my dream of the Four Horsemen last night can only mean one thing -- THE END IS NIGH!

Somebody shoot me. I can't bear to witness what comes next.


***shoots alex***

...but I don't see the point, if you are already in hell...

and I am really leaving this time.

I...need.... strong..... drugs......can't... bear..... to.... think....this... is ....true. God help us all!!!

*carbavoids* Har!

Cheesewiz! Noooooooooooooooooooo! Ok. David Hasslehoff, Barry Manilow, Pat Boone, John Tesh, and Leonard Nimoy. Featuring Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas, and William Shatner. Can anyone do worse?

You could add Vanilla Ice and Rico Suave (whatever that guy's name was) to the list Lee!!

Hassel the Hoff: so wrong in so many ways. Laughed so hard I cried at that video link--thank you for that-

Oh this is great. Just great. elfbrains shot Alex. Now Alex's mom will never let him come back.

But wait. If he is a ghost he can just haunt everyone's computers and his mom won't be able to do a thing about it. He can run his blog from the "inside" so to speak.

So how is it, being dead?

To Lee's list add Cathy Lee Crosby, who can actually sing, but is truly annoying.

*falls flat on his face*
*gets back up*

Well, since we are all blogging from Hell, I'm doing fine! Oh, and elfbrains missed anyway. For some reason, my stereo stopped working.

It's like Disney World gone horribly wrong.

Hassell the Hoff! I still can't get over that we're supposed to believe that it's real. To quote Lily Tomlin, "Is this happening or is it the hash?" Because if it is happening, someone has indeed broken the Seventh Seal and the Apocalypse is Coming, Soon. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Glad You're OK, Alex!

"And a voice cried out from the Heavens..." or did God just burp?

As my brother says whenever people talk about David Hasselhoff, 'these are truly end times'
They really do like him over here, though. But I think maybe it's stubbornness because they know Americans are horrified.
And Ice-T?
Say it ain't so, T...

Oh, besides Baywatch, Dallas re-runs are huge here too. Only now they've replaced the theme music - the only good part of the show - with a song performed by a cult (I swear). It has a men's chorus. (men's chorus)Dallas! (Soloist) Under your implacable sun... (men's chorus) Dallas! ...
I don't think any of them are planning to work with Ice-T, though.

Let's hope this is not the start of a trend, where celebs put out rap albums using a hip hop handle created from their last names:

Shat the Ner

Schwarz the Negger

Mani the Low


Brew the Ster?

Cool. I have conversed with "rock stars". I feel very honored.

I don't know if I can keep enough grapes peeled for this many stars. Maybe Dave's screen holding flunkies can help out.

*gets out inventory list and checks on supplies of Caviar, peeled grapes, lightly grilled free-range chicken and Brie.*

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