SPAMLOGIC 101

It's all your fault. By locking your doors, you're forcing robbers to commit illegal acts to get your stuff. Or something like that.

(Thanks to Garret Wood)

Comments

[D'Artagnan]

First!

I want to see Ron Scelson's head on a platter.

[Garret]

punky, I'm so with you on the Scooby Doo tie. Of course, we'll never know about the thong ...

Oh, and CRAPWEASEL!!!

[Little Elvis]

Gee Judi..it's 11:00 a.m. eastern and this is the first post of the day. Is Dave's column getting in the way of this hilarity?

[John]

Lying crapweasel.

[BMX3]

"the 30 million messages he sends out each day from an underground nuclear-fallout shelter"

I'm sure he has a very large assortment of Tin Foil Hats.

[Boo Augustus]

I think the only way to deter these 21st century miscreants is to impose 17th century punishments. Keel hauling sounds good.

[Graz]

We need to find out his e-mail addy and send him about a bajillion messages letting him know he can buy pocket lint cheaply on-line.

[John]

Boo,
Ever heard of "breaking on the wheel"?

[Garret]

Little Elvis: I believe Dave is throwing a fit on the set of G2G. He won't come out of his trailer. Be thankful judi loves us. (And she fixed the MOAT -- again.)

[Graz]

Oh, and, good morning all.

Now, where the hell is my coffee........

[bigtom]

Can't we just kill him now and be done with it?

[Graz]

It does Punky, but the harvesting operation is quite costly.

But, not as costly as toe nail lint picking.

[Kibby F5]

And you snore.

I do not!

[Boo Augustus]

If your business practices expose you to the risk of nuclear retaliation, that's got to tell you something (not to mention the death threats).

Of course, he wouldn't be sending SPAM if there weren't idiots out there who actually respond to the solicitations. I say, tax stupid people!

[John]

Boo,
We already have that tax: the lottery.

[mudstuffin]

"Ronald Scelson" anagrams to "Snarled Colons" which give me a good idea for his sentence...Hmmm

"Ron Scelson" anagrams to "Corn Lesson"...Hmmm

Nah, too good for him.

[pogo]

Possible Spam cure: I've heard it suggested that you should have to pay a nickel for every recipient you send an email to. (You would get to send a certain small number free every month.) You would receive a nickel for every email you receive.

Legitimate mailers would break even. Spammers would rapidly go broke.

[BMX3]

Elfbrains-

Didn't really say anything was wrong with that, just an observation. *adjusts TFH*

As far as the buying your TFHs online--Trust no one with your Tin Foil Hat! By the time you find out it doesn't work, it's too late and you're a lying, spamming, crapweasel living in an underground fallout shelter and surviving on government cheese, thinking of more effcient ways of spamming.

[Kibby F5]

... or, BMX3, a total vegetable.

[Graz]

Ahhhhh, thanks, Punky.

*sips and one bleary eye opens*

Just like I like it. Strong, and sweet.

[mudstuffin]

A question, y'all (good morning graz)
is Scelson's hat tinfoil, or ass?

[BMX3]

He's definitely a Tinfoil Asshat.

[mudstuffin]

Scelson's Hat wbagnfarb

[mudstuffin]

ALTERNATIVE rb

[Garret]

Chaz must have some kind of alert system for whenever "spam" comes up.

[waxwing]

So why do people complain about spammers? It's not like he was sending 31 million spams a day, it was only 30 million.
Better tactic to fight spam: slow the sending process down to a couple of seconds. It will not affect regular users but cripple the spammers. hmmm, crippling spammers. I like the sounds of that!

[Dan]

I think "Nuclear fall-out shelter" translates from spammer to "mom's basement." What I want to know is what idiot actually buys into spam? To stop spammers we need to get all the idiots out there to stop buying from spam and only buy useful items and only when they want them.

[Kibby F5]

Toe Jam!

[elfbrains]

And here I thought merely posting the link to the Spam skit was adequate.

Okay, mad scientist, I only have one biology degree (the rest are physics) - so I need some help with this one:

cancer:
a general term for more than 100 diseases that are characterised by uncontrolled, abnormal reproduction of cells.

Brain cells do not reproduce.

So what good is this tinfoil hat doing me?

[Dancergurl]

elfbrains: You think too hard for this site...

[Robin]

I wonder if the Senate Committee knows about this quote of his?
""When I'm forced into a situation where I cannot do legal business because other people are interfering with it, I will go back to spam,"

[jk]

"When I'm forced into a situation where I cannot do legal business because other people are interfering with it, I will go back to spam,"

//fatal logic error. does not compute.

although i think he may have hit on a solution. he can send spam to other professionals who are forced to engage in illegal activities because of silly laws. like the law against the perfectly legitmate business of selling coke to pre-schoolers. coke dealers have lots of money, so they are a perfect target demographic for advertisers. of course, they also tend to have a lot of guns and the coke makes them a little short tempered...

say hello to my little friend mr. crap weasel!

[eadn]

I'm still back with the bunker buster. Or maybe we need to re-test the MOAB.

[Mike Weasel]

Can't crap... too much cheese.

[Garret]

Taken from spam.com (thanks, BMX3):

Q: I am amazed at the incredible number of ways SPAM can be prepared. What's the most unusual recipe you've ever heard of?
A: The Green Midget Cafe, which you'll find in a Monty Python film, offered this tasty concoction: lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top and SPAM.

That's just totally bizarre. The official spam site lists part of a Monty Python sketch? (And I think it was from the show, not a film -- ?)

[Graz]

Some SPAM ooze should ya out with that issue, Mike.

It's kinda like WD-40 that way......

[Lily]

Okay, let me get this straight. If we don't pass laws to block spamming, they will spam us. If we DO pass laws against spamming, they will mock our futile laws and spam us anyway. Is this correct?

Punky, I do believe that we do humankind a favor and rethink The Plot.

New targets are just begging for destruction.

[Mike Weasel]

Ahhhh, worked like a charm! I feel five pounds lighter!

...or was that TMI?

[elfbrains]

Punky - I have a request for you on the parrot post.

[Lily]

Standing by for further orders Fearless Leader!

[Irrelevant]

/me is confused by Lily's post.

Anyway, on a slightly less random (post-it?) note, I think it's kinda funny that he thinks that e-mail providers shouldn't be allowed to block his spam. Another fine example of someone who thinks that private organisations have to honour the First Amendment. Private organisations that are based in other countries, yet.

Now, I wonder where I put that Colon Snarler™...

[Fluffybunny]

Er, that's page two, you can go back.

[Lairbo]

Anyone remember that spam haiku contest a couple of years back? I think it was on slate.com. Or maybe they just printed (posted) the winners. It had to do with some anniversary of the actual meatlike product, not the annoying email variety. Wasn't that great?

Speaking of slate, anyone else a newsquiz poster from way back? Just curious.

[Alex]

I have a message for stupid spammers (if "stupid spammers" isn't redundant) on my anti-spam blog:

Purveyors of Spam, Go away.

'nuff said.

[NOTE TO DAVE: Links are being censored. I had to put the link in the URL field. I am pissed.]

[Alex]

OK, I'm confused. I can type "fuck" here, and the comment goes through. I cannot link to another blog containing the word "fuck." What's the logic here?

[Jeff Meyerson]

Kill him. Kill him dead, cut out his heart (if any) and burn it. Or if you prefer:

Biker #2: I say we kill him!
Biker Gang: [shouts] Yeah!
Biker #3: I say we hang him, then we kill him!
Biker Gang: [shouts] Yeah!
Biker #4: I say we stomp him!
Biker Gang: [shouts] Yeah!
Biker #4: Then we tattoo him!
Biker Gang: [shouts] Yeah!
Biker #4: Then we hang him!
Biker Gang: [shouts] Yeah!
Biker #4: And then we kill him!
Biker Gang: [shouts] Yeah!
Pee-wee: [trying to throw voice without moving lips] I say we let him go.
Biker Gang: [shouts] No!

[Alex]

Uh, Jeff, you are referring to the spammer, right?

Pee-wee Killing Biker Gang wbagnfarb

[looney girl]

I'm sure that his wife says he is a wonderful father. But I agree- let's kill him anyway.

[mad scientist]

elfbrains - sorry for the very late reply, but eadn and other experimetns have kept me busy and made me LTTG. The brain is very complex and has many cells in it that can indeed become cancerous most commonly glial cells. I do not think Tin foil will do any more to protect anyone from "magical rays" than that thick piece of bone known as the cranium. However if you have an elf in your brain then I would not recommend using tin foil as you amy cut off the airsupply to the elf with unkown consequences.

[eadn]

That's it?! I'm just a cold, clinical experiment?!

I feel so used....

(OK, mad scientist, how ya gonna get out of that one! ;-)

[Graz]

I don't knpow about cold, eadn.

Has she been making use of the popsicles?

[Jeff Meyerson]

Yes, Alex, the spammer, Mr. Self Righteous Posting from a Nuclear Bunker Spammer. Sheesh.

[mad scientist]

Graz I save the popcicles for you!!
Eadn- I have been playing in the Liquid nitrogen (LN2) today, but I am sure you could warm me up - nothing clinical about you!

Just becareful you know the LN2 can make certain body parts extra fragile. I genrally prefer friction burns to freezer burns.

[eadn]

mad scientist, I think Graz has something for them friction burns. What flavor do you like?

By the way, having once had a penchant for "ice queens", yes, I do know how freezer burns can make a body fragile....

[mad scientist]

eadn - I promise I am no ice queen, but you can melt me anytime :-)