Dave Barry's Blog

WHEN DEAD PARROTS ARE OUTLAWED

...only outlaws will be carrying 266 dead parrots.

(Thanks to pretty much everybody on the Internet)

Update: A transcript may be found here.

WHY CAN'T OUR GOVERNMENT DO STUFF LIKE THIS?

Over in Indonesia, they have real political leadership.

RAMPARTS

What are the political ramifications?

(Thanks to Ted, the vowel-deprived field coordinator of the surging Dave-Barry-for-President juggernaut thingie.)

MEN

Get your sledgehammers ready.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

NEIGHBOUR OF THE WEEK

Eeeeyew. That is all.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

HOSTESS OF THE WEEK

This blog totally understands where this woman was coming from.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

RAMPARTS UPDATE

Who says Americans don't get involved in important causes?

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

STAR TREATMENT

(Thanks again to the lovely Jeff Arch, who says, "Everyone else just had to sweat.")

PUBLIC SERVICE

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I am also going to find a picture of judi.

DO YOU KNOW THE MUTTON MAN?

(Thanks to the fabulous Jeff Arch)

THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS

We're just making everybody aware of the importance of managerial ethics.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

OUR KIND OF CANDIDATE

A man who is tough on defense.

(Thanks to Jim M.)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

It is not good.

(Thanks to Jacob Aldridge)

VISIGOTH UPDATE

THE POWER OF THIS BLOG?

Apparently, somebody decided to crop the ramparts out of this photo.

Update: According to commenter BMX3, these particular ramparts have been widely discussed in various media, so this blog cannot take credit for their disappearance.

THEY'RE CALLING IT THE "ZILLION DOLLAR FRITTATA"

...because nobody would order it if they called it the "Omelet for Rich Morons."

(Thanks to tavesawyer)

AND THE SO-CALLED "FEDERAL GOVERNMENT" DOES NOTHING

Minneapolis faces a severe clown shortage.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

Update: Whoops. Looks like this is yet another pesky registration site. For the benefit of those of you who do not wish to go to the trouble of supplying false information, the gist of the story is: Minneapolis is facing a severe clown shortage.

Update Update: Apparently some of the time this is not a registration site. We will never understand this crazy Internet thing.

WHAT, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS?

Now they're trying to tell us we can't coat an entire motel room in Vaseline.

(Thanks to many people)

FORGET ABOUT IRAQ

We have some real issues with Canada.

(Thanks to Kent Bulmer)

MOVIE UPDATE

Last night we shot a scene involving Visigoths. No, I cannot explain why; nobody can really explain why. The point is that I have now performed in scenes with Visigoths and a chihuahua. Even top movie stars such as Mr. Al Pacino cannot make this claim.

MOVIE UPDATE

I've just returned from a trip to the set of the Guide to Guys movie, where Dave Mr. Barry and a local radio dj named Footy did a scene. Footy played a radio guy. Dave Mr. Barry  played ... Dave Mr. Barry . I'm telling you, these movie directors are clever fellows.

They've also given Mr. Barry his own trailer. The sign says DAVE BARRY ONLY:

ADVICE FOR MR. SNAIL

Put pepper in the opposing team dugout.

(Thanks to J.C.T.)

A PERFECTLY MATCHED COUPLE

Don't these folks have television?

(Thanks to Bruce Alter)

INDIANA CRIME UPDATE

Things are completely out of control.

(Thanks to Elvis OnIce1)

NATIONAL ANTHEM UPDATE

Aftter looking at this picture, we finally understand the phrase "o'er the ramparts we watched."

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)

WHY THIS NATION IS NUMBER ONE

Because we are way ahead of the rest of the world when it comes to important technological advances.

(Thanks to Garret Wood)

CREEPING FASCISM IN INDIANA

Now officials in Hancock County (yes, Hancock County) want to take away our precious constitutional right to sell porn via CB radio.

(Thanks to Garret Wood)

p.s. Yes, this story is, in fact, datelined "Mount Comfort."

WHEN PEOPLE SAY THERE IS NO CULTURE IN ALABAMA AND NORTH FLORIDA

We say, clearly these people are unaware of this event.

(Thanks to Michelle Tourigny)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for: Squid Boom

WARNING TO ELDERLY PEOPLE: CHECK YOUR MEDS

This could happen to you!

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)

THE RULES

Some of you may recognize this topic.

LEECH LAKE UPDATE

We have received word that the Cass Board is renegotiating the garbage contract with the Leech Lake Band. Somebody named "Dick Downham" is involved.

CRIME UPDATE FROM INVERCARGILL, NEW ZEALAND

When are we going to come to our senses and ban forklifts?

Key Quote: "You hear about this sort of thing happening in Auckland but not here."

(Thanks to Claire Martin, who also sends this exciting cultural report from her hometown newspaper)

ADVISORY TO FLORIDA MOTORISTS

Get off the road now.

(Thanks to Chris Miller)

PATRIOTISM UPDATE

We're all doing what we can.

Key Quote: To the group in Galveston Texas (Yes, I got word the NEXT day), you CANNOT, and I mean CANNOT go to a bar and get loaded and start chanting 'TAKE ONE FOR THE COUNTRY' like a zillion times.

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)

WHAT WE WANT TO BE WHEN WE GROW UP

An Italian highway-patrol person.

(Thanks to Mira Dessy)

STOP THE PRESSES

Apparently, Michael Jackson may have had a little plastic surgery. Somebody should get him in touch with these people.

(Thanks to Beth Atkinson and Ted Habte-Gabr)

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW????

Cell-phone rage in Fargo.

(Thanks to Chris Miller and Iris Wei)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

An octopus finally finds love.

Key Quote: "Spermatophores were seen hanging from J-1's siphon."

(Thanks to Tony Bastarache)

TODAY'S FICTION-WRITING ASSIGNMENT

Come up with the backstory for this.

(Thanks to Michael Ester)

GOODNESS GRACIOUS

Great Buddha Boogers!

(Thanks to Curtis Bond)

THE ULTIMATE GUY VEHICLE

This should definitely have a role in the movie.

(Thanks to "BrownK")

FOR THOSE HARD-TO-REACH PLACES

See if one of these folks can help you out.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

AND LAST YEAR? AT BAND CAMP?

We had these uniforms? And then we sold them on eBay? And then...

(Thanks to Karin Dixon)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER FOR A BEAUTIFUL FRIDAY

Panda Golf.

(Thanks to Catherine Connor)

ANOTHER FLORIDA VOTER SCREWS UP

But this one probably should have gotten it right.

(Thanks to Michael Wilson)

CREEPING FASCISM ALERT

Only four kegs per household? What kind of party is that?

(Thanks to Harry Poulter)

TURKEY ADVISORY

Watch out, turkeys of Maine. Mr. Subdivision has it in for you now.

(Thanks to Garret Wood)

ACTUAL BUSINESSPERSON CELL-PHONE CONVERSATION OVERHEARD AT AN AIRPORT THIS VERY DAY

"George? Bob. Did you get my email? (pause) Well, did you get a chance to marinate upon it?"

BRAD PITT, EAT YOUR HEART OUT