Dave Barry's Blog

TIP FOR CAR RENTERS

Always ask for a non-snake vehicle.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THERE'S NO HOPE FOR HUMANITY

...you read a feel-good story like this.

(Thanks to Jessica R.)

ATTENTION, SUSHI LOVERS

You might want to hold the soy sauce.

(Thanks to Matthew Souders)

This sounds like a job for Kikkoman.

ATTENTION, HUMANS

Stay the hell out of central Florida.

(Thanks to Briank Giovannini)

ANARCHY UPDATE

If you let people get away with this kind of thing, pretty soon the whole country goes to hell.

(Thanks to Brian Giovannini)

WE WERE THINKING OF VACATIONING IN LEECH LAKE

But this resort sounds even more inviting.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

ATTENTION, MEN

Do not click here.

(Thanks to ElvisOnIce1)

LOOKING FOR A LECTURER IN ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING WHOSE NAME IS NOT AT ALL AMUSING?

Look no farther.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries, who states: "Frankly, I don't think I have the nerve to click Positions Available.")

DEPARTMENT OF SHREWD COURTROOM TACTICS

We have a biter in Butte.

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using gassy fruit, which would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Fi Craig)

EXCITING MEDICAL NEWS

Some day, face transplants will be a reality, and the world will be a better place.

(Thanks to Steve)

Speaking of which: Was this movie stupid, or what?

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Here's a tow-truck driver who gets the job done no matter what.

(Thanks to Steve)

BRITISH TV HIGHLIGHTS

Hey, it's better than American Idol.

(Thanks to Barry Sullivan and Scott Brown)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using preachers.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

TASTEFULNESS ADVISORY

Please do not send in items like this, because we are simply not going to use them.

(Thanks to Karen Satlin and Wyatt Dubois and Jeff Meyerson and Mark Howell and OK STOP SENDING THIS ITEM)

HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

Fortunately, this is not what it looks like.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

OFF-DUTY EMPLOYMENT

We imagine this beats escorting funeral processions

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WORKING FOR YOU

New York is taking action.

(Thanks again to Mac)

SPEAKING OF PETA

This is what we call being loyal to your dog.

(Thanks to Mac)

DON'T TELL PETA WE SAID THIS, BUT...

Maybe they should send this woman to Oakdale.

(Thanks to many people)

ATTENTION, OAKDALE RESIDENTS

Be on the lookout.

MOVIE UPDATE

An old movie tradition is that, when you're done shooting a scene, the actors have to police the set. At least that's what they told me.

MORE CULTURAL WISDOM

For businesspersons.

Key quote: Nielsen hopes that the expense of about DKK 30 (USD 5) per head per week will make his staff more relaxed and more efficient on the job.

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)

WE HAVE MUCH TO LEARN FROM OTHER CULTURES

Asbos, for instance.

(Thanks to Penny McCrea)

UH-OH

Sir, did you have a permit when you ... ummm.... wait... never mind. No one can prove a thing.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IMPORTANT CAMPAIGN ENDORSEMENT

In a move certain to rock the political world, the Pirate Guys (Cap'n
Slappy - left in photo - and Ol' Chumbucket) endorsed the heaving juggernaut that is the Dave Barry for President campaign.
"Dave is a close personal friend," said the captain, later admitting he never actually met the man, "so endorsing his presidential ambition was just sort of natural for us. We can't think of anyone who stands more forthrightly for the most important issues of the day - namely a belief in the deliciousness of beer."
Seeking to dispel the rumor that the coveted endorsement of the two had been "bought and paid for," as some of the "weasels" in Washington's press corps have reported, Ol' Chumbucket said, "Absolutely not. No money has changed hands. We haven't even changed our clothes. We support Dave because - well, he's Dave. And if we get an ambassadorship out of this, perhaps to some region vital to American interests, say, the Bahamas or any other warm, sunny place, well, that's totally unrelated to our endorsement."

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, the throbbing surging campaign juggernaut Field Coordinator)

IT'S ABOUT TIME WE CRACKED DOWN ON THIS KIND OF THING

If you start letting people play in parks, the next thing you know, you have anarchy.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

MOVIE UPDATE

Life on the set has become increasingly harsh and primitive.

BRAZILIAN ACADEMY OF SCIENCES MEMBER NAME OF THE WEEK

Don't click here if you are easily offended, OK? Really.

(Thanks to Michelle Tourigny)

CRIME IN EUROPE

It's completely out of hand.

(Thanks to Fi Craig)

AND FOR OUR FINAL CLICHE, BEFORE THE BLOG KILLS US

Two heads are better than one.

(Thanks to Tim Chandler for the story and La Carolia for helping prove that statement wrong.)

NEWS ITEM

This gives new meaning to the term "Organized Crime."

(Thanks again to Punky.)

EXCELLENT ADVICE FOR PEOPLE TRYING TO AVOID ARREST

Though it may be a little hard to swallow.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson for the article, and Ms. Nomer and Punky for the bad puns, which also included "he didn't make the cut.")

SOUTH CAROLINA

Do they grow a different kind of tobacco there?

(Thanks to Ted Sbardella)

PETER PIPER PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS

... and then he played Pachelbel.

(Thanks to Camille Blanchette)

ETIQUETTE UPDATE

As some of you may recall, last week my column (inspired by a discussion on this blog) was about etiquette rules. One of those rules concerned when it is OK to leave your shopping cart in the checkout line to go get an item you forgot. Basically I said this was acceptable only if (1) It was only one item; (2) You knew exactly where it was; and (3) You apologized to the people behind you.

So anyway, yesterday I was at my local Publix supermarket, and I got to the checkout line, and when the clerk rang up my package of Oscar Meyer hot dogs, she told me I was entitled to another package, free. Since there was a woman behind me in the line, and since people often recognize me at this supermarket, and since I didn't really need a second package, and above all since I had just written a column about not inconveniencing people behind you in lines, I said thanks, but I was fine with just the one package. But the clerk was insistent: She pointed out that I would be back before she was done ringing up my order. I still declined, but then the woman behind me also basically demanded that I go get my free hot dogs, insisting that she didn't mind.

So I sprinted to the hot-dog section, at the far end of the store, and I sprinted back, and when I got there, (1) the cashier had finished ringing me up, and (2) there were suddenly, out of nowhere, like eight new people waiting in the line, none of whom had witnessed the earlier scene in which I was basically coerced into going back for the hot dogs. I had to kind of edge past them all in an extremely self-conscious manner.

I am writing this only in case you were one of those eight people: Sorry.

A MEDICAL LEAP FORWARD

Take two frogs and call me in the morning.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are mailing snakes.

Key Quote: "And I said: 'There's a what in the what?'"

MOVIE UPDATE

One of the great things about shooting a movie is that you get to make all kinds of new friends.

THAT OLD ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT

It's thriving in the Heartland.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HE WAS PROBABLY TRYING TO GET TO FLORIDA

Don't drink and mow.

(Thanks to The Oracle)

ATTENTION, CITY-DWELLERS

Looking for a nice, quiet place in the country?

TALK ABOUT YOUR MARKET PENETRATION

This is a joke, right? Right?

(Thanks to Savitri)

IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE: HE COULD HAVE BEEN FLATULENT

The case of the barking lawyer.

(A grateful "woof" to many people)

GOOD NAME FOR AN (OUTDOOR) ROCK BAND

Flatulent Bulldogs

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THERE ARE GUYS...

...and then, every now and then, there is your true guy's guy.

(Thanks to Kelly Brown)

HOW OUR CONGRESSPERSONS COULD GET US VOTERS TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO THEM

They could do stuff like this.

Key Quote: He has previously enlivened debates by bringing skulls, rats and human organs into the chamber.

YOU JUST KNOW

This person will wind up voting in Florida.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THERE IS A SEASON

Turn, turn, turn (your stomach)

(Thanks to Bill Crider and Steve Lancaster)

SPAMLOGIC 101

It's all your fault. By locking your doors, you're forcing robbers to commit illegal acts to get your stuff. Or something like that.

(Thanks to Garret Wood)