TRAVEL UPDATE

We are pleased to report that there is still construction going on at Miami International Airport and Drug Importation Facility, and this construction is still intended to enable the airport to Serve the Public Better. This construction has been going on for well over two decades; we can't WAIT to see how it comes out, except of course if that ever happens, we will be dead and elephant-sized squids will rule the planet.

Comments

[Mojo Ligero]

Have a nice flight, Dave

[Mona Lisa]

ditto

[twopuppies]

Just lean into the strip searches Dave. Fun is what you make it!

[pogo]

And this probably means that you will soon be changing planes in the world's most heart healthy airport, Atlanta where their goal is to assure that your arrival gate will be at least 5.2 miles from your departure gate.

[twopuppies]

I just remembered this is April Fools Day. Are we sure Dave is really traveling to Arkansas? Maybe he'll show up at our houses to do a puppet show! I'm partial to sock puppets, but marionettes will do too.

[Ernie G]

Maybe the April Fools joke is on Dave, and he's really supposed to go to Terre Haute (which sounds French).

[Elephant Squid King]

take me to your leader!

[mike]

"Well...ummm....Speaking!" --Calvin

[brian]

Miami Intl is a strange place. It's as if they decided to plop an airport in the middle of someone's neighborhood. Well, at least coming at it from the direction I did...

<sarcasm>
Thankfully, once you arrive, the people that work there are warm, friendly, and efficient.
</sarcasm>

[Bangladeshi_gurl]

will elephant squid archeologists one day find our bones and make fun of the fact that we had only 4 arms( primitive)...2 of which were much too short...

[c00kie]

Warning: Cavity searches are a valid airport function. Please refrain from enjoyment.

[Jessica]

Atlanta, the airport of consistently late departures, If you think you have a one hour layover, HAHA, make sure you plan for two or more. My dad just came through there. He arrived at the gate to board his flight, and they didn't even have the plane out of the hangar yet! Then a flight attendent became ill (It was the morning after St. Patrick's Day.) and had to be taken to the hospital by paramedics. My sister refuses to go through there now due to several long unscheduled layover experiences at that airport.

[Maggie105]

We were held hostage at the Miami airport one time after returning from a cruise. It was all of 2 1/2 hours to get through security.

The worst, for me, is the Denver airport. Both times I've flown through there I've had delays. The last one was a 6 hr. delay because the airline cancelled my flight, put me on a later one, then when they put the cancelled flight back on the schedule, didn't put ME back on the flight. So I was stuck in an area of the airport that had 1 restaurant (a really bad mexican thing.) But at least the beer was cold.

[Jamie]

I want to go to Miami! By Miami, of course, I mean somewhere without mosquitos the size of my head. And no old people in white cars driving 7.2 mph down the highway. And absolutely no talk of Bennifer. Hmm. I want to go to Maine!

[Mojo Laguito]

Jamie, you must have a very, very large head if you think the mosquitos in Maine are small.....

[philintexas]

Dave...if you really want to see the ultimate in terminal design...visit Nome (AK) International Airport on one of your drug courier runs....haha..(just kidding DEA...a cavity search is not necessary)

[LulaWY]

Jackson's Butthole?!

[Jessica]

Good one philintexas!
Security (with a smile): Pardon me are you Mr. Dave Barry?
Dave (smiling back): Why, yes. Thank you for asking.
Security (sternly): Come with me.
Dave (scared now): Uh oh, what have you been reading?
Security: Well according to your BLOG...
Dave (now horrified): OMG!!! not that...Stop what are you doiiiiing....

[gnes1256]

I flew out of Miami International one time. Left my car in long term parking. When I got back, all four tires were gone; the car was on blocks. When I got to security to file a report, I expressed my amazement that it could have happened in the first place. Is it not suspicious to be changing a flat in long term parking anyway? Maybe not one flat, but more than one? And to make matters worse, the car was in plain view of a security camera.

Absolutely dumbfounded....

[mike]

There's a good reason it's known as MIA.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Punky, I hope one of your 4 stopovers is not in Detroit. We had to change planes there once (going from West Palm Beach to JFK, believe it or not) and it took forever plus an hour to get from one concourse to the other. There were hordes of people out to impede the way, the signs were confusing as hell and naturally we had only carryon luggage, which made it extra fun. And no, Denver is no picnic either. On the other hand, Houston wasn't bad and had decent barbecue at the airport.

[jai]

dulles probably isn't the worst airport ever, but i hate it solely on the basis that i have to take that people-mover thing if i want to get to my gate. and usually i get there right as it's about to leave, so i end up having to try and balance my luggage and hang onto a pole all at the same time. usually i end up falling into the bazillion other people on the evil, evil people-mover.

detroit was the longest layover i've ever been on though, that was last summer. it was also the most boring airport cos there was nothing to do. except they had this beanie baby stand by my gate. didn't the beanie baby thing die out like a few years ago?

[B-Slapper]

Has anyone else seen the Bob Dylan-Victoria's Secret ad? Sorry this has nothing to do with the thread, I just want to know if I was hallucinating or not.

[Graz]

I had a long layover in Detroit back about 2 years ago ( before I ended up moving to Detroit, which is named for the Algonquin term for "rock bottom") The plane I was to board was having windshield wiper problems. As I looked out the window, into the cockpit of the plane I saw the mechanic using a very delicate, almost surgical technique on the control panel of the plane. It seemed to involve a hammer, and flailing said hammer against something out of view. It apparently worked, becuase we were on our way tho Charlotte within the next 20 minutes.

[The Bob]

The point here being, ALL airports suck big time. What used to be an adventure, has become an ordeal.

I only fly when necessary and no other mode of transportation is practical, and would REFUSE to take a job that required frequent flying.....

Besides, there has never been an good explaination as to how 100's of tons of metal can stay in the air......

[Bangladeshi_gurl]

Be happy ur not on Biman Bangladesh Airlines:-

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain welcoming
you on board of Biman Bangladesh Airlines. We apologize for the
four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some
overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to
Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up
somewhere in the South. If luck is in our favour, we may even be
landing on your village! Biman Bangladesh Airlines has an
excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high
that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with
pleasure, I announce that starting this year over 50% of our
passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too
noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them
off!. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we
serve complimentary Dail tea and Bela biscuits! For our
not-so-religious (progoti shil) passengers, we are the only airline
who can help you find out if there really is a God! We regret to
inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we
forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs,
we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will
be visible from the right side of the cabin window. There is no
smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is
only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow
down! In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close
as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too
close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot Kana Akkas ( Blind Akkas)
sometimes flies right through the landmark! Kindly be seated, keep
your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your
set-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat ... and for those of
you, who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess Bidisha who will explain how to fasten yourself to your
suitcase.

[jai]

guess i'm lucky to have survived the detroit beanie baby experience then.

[MOTW]

B_gurl, you go!

[p2k]

Having grown up flying to the Carolinas from Miami to visit my grandfather I'm sure you'll be changing planes in Atlanta. Remember what my mother always told me. "When people die and go to hell they have to change planes in Atlanta."

[Baylink]

Jessica -- or Daria, or whatever your name really is...

I think you're gonna do just fine around here. :-)

(Oh crap. It's *Jamie* that's really Daria. Aw, the hell with it; I ain't givin' up a perfectly good punch line just because it's... worng.)

[jai]

i guess i had a rare good experience when i went through atlanta. my two gates were pretty close to each other, and it wasn't delayed. maybe i was in the twilight zone.

[happy penguin]

on a trip from albany, NY to Melbourne, FL last year,i had a layover in atlanta that was only supposed to last for about an hour...it ended up being nearly 3 hours for two reasons:

a)the first plane apparently needed some kind of "minor" repair. The problem was resolved about an hour and a half later when they discovered that the repair wasn't so minor after all, and informed us that they were bringing another plane.

b)turned out the second plane didn't have any fuel, so that took another hour or so...

ah, vacation...

PS...i totally agree with you, pogo. try to avoid making stopovers in atlanta unless you are an olympic sprinter or can hijack one of their little golf carts. on the way back from FL, i once again was supposed to have a layover there, but the first plane didn't land until 10 minutes before the second plane was supposed to depart. what's more, the first plane pulled into concourse C, and the second was leaving from concourse A...aieeeeee!!!

[Jenne Woulph]

It could be worse. A friend of mine had to fly out of General Mitchell airport in Milwaukee on business. The security personnel confiscated his Treo PDA, an expensive Parker pen, and a gold plated Zippo lighter. They tried to confiscate his digital camera also, but ended up only taking the batteries out of it. They claimed that the PDA was a bomb triggering device, and that the pen and the lighter could be used as weapons. The camera batteries could be explosives. My friend complained to everyone within hearing distance of the secutiry checkpoint, but none of his items were returned to him.

Lesson learned, never fly out of Milwaukee with any thing remotely valueable on your person or in your luggage. It will get confiscated by security and you will never see it again.

[The Bob]

Punky.... I'm trying to picture that "asses falling off everywhere" thing and I'm finding it a bit disturbing........

When I was a kid, there was a joke about someone with a silver screw in his bellybutton, and when he finally had the nerve to remove it, his ass fell off. Is it something like this? Is it painful? Who cleans up at the end of the day?

[Tomorrow's Man]

My vote for the Airport that Deserves to Be Its Own Circle fo Hell Award goes to Logan, in Boston. Not only do you have to drive under the harbor to get to it -- when the tunnels aren't LEAKING again -- but it has been under construction since before Orville and Wilbur moved to Kitty Hawk.

And of course I don't have to mention the security which, at last check, was being managed by a can of fruit.

[Bangladeshi_gurl]

That announcement wasnt written by me btw.
However-this really did happen.Airplanes flying within Bangladesh dont get the same amount of care ( ahem) as the international ones.So on one of these flights,i discovered the window right next to me was fixed with DUCT TAPE.yes,duct tape.

[MOTW]

You have GOT to be kidding!

Ever heard of the Canadian comedian Red Green? "And don't forget, the handyman's Secret Weapon: Duct Tape."

[Joshua Spell]

Not to take away from the funniness of the comments (especially B_gurl's)...have you all noticed that there is a swarm of spam posts for Viagra (and knock-offs) slowly catching up with the current posts?

[JLee]

I saw the Bob Dylan/Victoria's Secret ad...
What the hey...?

What's she makin' eyes at that old man for?
She's, what, 11 ? and he's easily OLDer.
Maybe she's supposed to be the angel of death callin' him up...
...aaahhhh, that must be the concept. Ok, I'm cool with that.

[Graz]

I've noticed them Joshua. I don't know who they are trying to sell to here. All they have to do is check the time tags on the comments, and they'll see that alot of the people here can stay up all night.

I didn't just go there did I? Yup, guess I did.

[mike]

No, I haven't. I did a spot check of about half the threads on the current page of the main blog, and yours is the only one I see mentioning Viagara.

Can you cite an example of what you're talking about?

[Graz]

The ends of some of the older threads have some 'comments' with links to sites selling Viagra and Cialis.

Waste of time...I'm telling ya....

[Ernie G]

Bangladeshi_gurl, if you had looked in the mechanic's tool kit, you would have found, next to the duct tape, a crescent wrench and a can of WD-40. A guy can fix anything with those three things.

[Graz]

Prime example is here .

[jason]

ok.

[mike]

Graz, thanks for the example. I note that the thread in question makes reference to a trip to "The Bedding Plant Capital of the World". So, naturally, the viagara ads are on topic....

I'm sure they make less sense in other threads. Although, really, is it possible for them to make less sense than us?

[hypernayte]

It seems that Viagra must make a TON of money spamming/posting us all of the time. Thing is, how many guys are suffering from this "impairment?" Really. (Show of hands, please.)

[Joshua Spell]

Obviously, with you there, it had to have been a coincidence. No one near you would have that problem, right?

[Jeff Meyerson]

Bangi-G, thanks for giving me a great laugh! I hope you don't mind my forwarding it to 20 or so people.

And in other news of the day:

In other news, Condoleezza Rice announced today that her 9/11 testimony would be scheduled to coincide with the finale of “American Idol,” the decisive NCAA championship game, and the reading of the verdict in the Kobe Bryant trial.

Thank you Andy Borowitz. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

[hypernayte]

In that case, what are their email addresses? I know of a company that will pay me good money to give up their point of contact. :)

Also, gentlemen, you can put your hands down now.

[eadn]

Interesting heads-up Joshua Spell. Wonder if they realize with the vibrance of the lasses here, we don't need a pill to keep it up!

Bangi_gurl, Waytago! And I do hope you're not getting all your frequent flyer miles there!

[Leetie]

Is anybody else getting their email to the blog bounced back to them?

[Leetie]

A friend of mine was once flying on Valu-jet. The tray table in front of him would not go into its full upright and locked position. So, after a few minutes of fumbling with it, a flight attendant showed up with duct tape and wrapped it around the entire seat a few times, firmly securing the tray table. He also saw a missing panel inside the cabin which was exposing some wires. Should I be afraid of flying on United's "Ted" next month???

[Leetie]

Thanks, Punky. I'll try that.

I guess the viagra spammers will be taking full advantage of those of us who actually post a real email address in our comments. It's a no-win situation. We're spammed if we do, and flamed if we don't.

[eadn]

Hey Mike, wanna bet with Joshua's note, Judi's probably whaling on some pill companies asses?

[Leetie]

BTW, I was using the Herald address.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Mike M: I've seen a couple of those album covers before (#5 & #3) but they're always worth a look and the guy's commentary is brilliant! I laughed till I puked (almost).

[daisyj]

Will the squid be limited to 2 pieces of carry-on?

[eadn]

Leetie, maybe the viagra spammers have flooded the Herald too. By the way, using a fake address is OK by me. I said so rather longishly (somewhere near the bottom?) in the "wheelchair" post with David Knowles yesterday if that helps?

(Keep your moniker though, I do like to see your comments too :-)

[Baylink]

T-Bob: THANK YOU.

So *that's* the joke about the guy with the screw. At least two of my favorite authors have had characters refer to it, and no one ever *tells* the damn joke.

[Leetie]

Not necessarily album covers, but this is still my ultimate favorite collection of band photos. Gert Jonnys rule.

[Bangladeshi_gurl]

Hey Punky thanx for the mail!consider the post as a small token of my gratitude for those educational comments.Im sure my bf will thank u 2 one day.

BTW-Are any of u getting chinese emails?or korean,or japanese-they all look the same to me.

Eadn-not to worry.I have gr8 faith in God-and duct tape.

[Bangladeshi_gurl]

MOTW-thr's some1 called Red Green?!

[Jeff Meyerson]

Punky, you're right; it is Tootsie, especiall the hair & glasses.

A couple of years ago on an airline that shall remain nameless (American) we were coming back from London. After a major delay we found all the seats in the last 10 rows on one side of the plane were out of service, taped off with yellow police tape! All of that side, even the seats where we and other lucky people got to sit, had: no lights, no air, no chance to listen to music or watch the movie.

The guy behind us threw up into the barf bag but wouldn't give it up (no lie!) and the bitch, er flight attendant wouldn't let the teenage girl next to him change seats because coach was full! Finally my wife and an English woman nearly beat her until she let the girl move into the completely emty first class section, where the flight attendants were pigging out on goodies and smoking dope. Well, maybe not the dope part, but the rest is totally true.

[Joshua Spell]

I'd just not yet moved over to the new blog area (one of my four Firefox homepage tabs was the previous blogspot place, and I'd been too lazy to change it) and didn't want to miss anything, so I was reading the comments of posts that I thought would be amusing. Such as the "Kinky Tinky" post. Man, that was some amusing stuff.

[Joshua Spell]

Hmmm...could I have written a more convoluted sentence to open a comment than that?

[Rachel]

Hey Tomorrow's Man, if you're still here:

I went to Boston for vacation last summer. On my way back, I decided to switch my carry-on and checked baggage, and forgot that my hairdryer was in the bag that was now my carry-on. Now, in Toronto, they won't let you take nail clippers in your carryon, let alone something that is metal with cords coming out of it. Guy at the XRay said "you have a hair dryer in there?" I said "yup". They didn't even check.

This was the airport where 3 of the 4 9/11 flights came from. You'd think their security would be the tightest of any airport in the states.

Unbelievable.

Although waiting for my shuttle bus in the area with the roof was fun, I got a good dose of carbon monoxide from the 50 bazillion taxis and buses in the area. Felt real healthy afterwards.

[eadn]

Joshua, I thought you were just practicing you last name ;-) Hope you enjoy the ride on your Firefox!

[steven]

Joshua,
I thought I was the only one using Firefox.. are you in Windows or Linux?

[steven]

Firefox is a web browser that is not made by Micro$oft.. and it's free

[steven]

If you're interested you can finf it here

[steven]

well i f*cked that link ... www.mozilla.org/products/firefox

[Webmom]

Bangi-gurl, I have been getting Chinese spam for a couple of weeks now. I blame the singing Carrots of Love that Dave posted a few weeks ago. I was using my main e-mail address then and have been getting one or two e-mails a day.

[steven]

it's my day off and my fingers are a little drunk today;)

[steven]

well i enjoyed it ... but i guess you will have to ask the link if it was good for her too

[mike]

MeL, have you been in Punky's Xanax again?

[steven]

yea i'll call after I finnish this cigarette!

[pogo]

Shortly after 9/11 a woman went through security at ATL, and they confiscated her nail file. She proceeded to the concourse where she purchased another before boarding.

[eadn]

Well, MeL, I see you've got your PhD on the blog here already! ;-)

[mike]

Don't take this the wrong way, MeL dear, but you seem unusally perky today, even for you. Xanax is probably not a good idea at this point.

Ah, to be young and in love!

[some girl from Oregon]

I have to fly across the country about 9 times a year, and I have to say that Denver is my favorite airport, other than the airports that are my starting point and destinations, PDX and BWI (put them in either order, as the case may be). However, if they EVER make me stop at O'Hare again...I had the worst experience there. First of all, it was August and yet there was some sort of complication with the weather, so we were going to have to take a longer route. Then they changed our gate. Then they changed it back. Then we get on the plane which is having technical difficulties, one of which includes no air conditioning. After three hours of THAT, we all have to traipse back to our ORIGINAL concourse and gate and get on ANOTHER plane, which gets to the runway no problem, and then the captain gets on the intercom to inform us that "we are number 52 in line for take off". All in all it was six and a half hours, what with still having to take the other route. I got into PDX at 3am.

[MOTW]

If the women don't find you handy, they should at least find you handsome.

- Red Green

[steven]

We all read those late night post between you and Alex last night.. We know who's in love

[gfunksizzle]

the other bad part about O'Hare, is that Chicago is defined to me as Uno's pizza. And they had an Uno's in the airport. I knew it wasn't going to be totally legit, but...

pretty sad.

[Joshua Spell]

"Joshua,
I thought I was the only one using Firefox.. are you in Windows or Linux?"

I use both, but mainly Windows. Linux is more of a hobby when I'm not in a hurry to actually have something work.

[steven]

Just kidding
:D

[eadn]

Aww, MeL, sometimes I just gotta stand back in awe ;-)

[mike]

Interestingly, I'm from Chicago. And the Uno's I spend the most time in are the ones in other cities. I couldn't imagine going to Uno's in Chicago. But in college, they were open late, and served reasonably priced alcohol, so I was a regular.....

Excepting, of course, the original Pizzaria Uno down town, or it's good friend Pizzaria Due. Very different from the chain, as it turns out.

[steven]

I use Linux mostly.. only use Windoze when Linux won't do what I want

[gfunksizzle]

Well, yeah, Mike. But still. I'm originally from St. Louis, which inexplicably likes to brag about thin crust pizza, which is terrible. So even the chain is an oasis.

[D'Artagnan]

I am willing to attest the proposition that MeL is indeed perky, or fiesty [sic], or whatever the equivalent term is, on a regular basis.

[mike]

gfunk, totally agree. It's much much better than nothing. The greater Durham NC area just got it's first Uno's, filling what's been a gaping hole in my cullinary life for several years. Yay!

[D'Artagnan]

Is that Prince Charles, or George Bush Sr. in the swimmer's cap? This affects my choice of caption.

[gfunksizzle]

Durham? you're not a Duke fan, are you? If so, this budding friendship is OVER!

[steven]

Mike

Yea Dad'
Try Metamucil, it sure works for me!

[mike]

gfunk, no, but I am surrounded by them. I just live here. For now.....

[mike]

MikeM:
"If a relaxing moment turns into the right moment, will you be ready?"

[Joshua Spell]

Caption:

"I love you man!"

"Sorry, but you're not getting my Bud Lite."

[gfunksizzle]

Whew. Good.

I go to Davidson, just up the road, north of Charlotte. We're a mid-major that plays Duke every year, and therefore hates them.

[D'Artagnan]

John Kerry just had shoulder surgery? Prince Charles looks like he needs some. To attach what appears to be a non-existent shoulder.