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April 20, 2004

ATTENTION, FANS OF MEDIOCRE MUSIC

The World-Famous-despite-not-being-very-good Rock Bottom Remainders -- a band consisting mostly of authors, with some actual musicians -- have announced a Big Fall Tour, October 26-30. We'll be traveling by bus and appearing in St. Louis, Chicago, Cleveland and Detroit. If you go to our official website, you will find almost no details, but we appreciate the traffic.

The band is very excited about this tour, and to make the experience especially enjoyable for the audience, we have decided to try to actually learn some of the chords ahead of time.

Also we are welcoming back an actual rock icon, Mr. Roger McGuinn, co-founder of the Byrds and a musician so good that we still can't believe he's risking everything by performing with us.

We'll be raising money for America Scores, a fine after-school program for inner-city kids. We hope you can come see us, without listening too hard. We also hope the bus has a toilet.

URGENT CULTURAL ADVISORY

Guess who is featured on American Idol tonight.

UPDATE: THE WEE WAA CRISIS

No doubt you have been worried sick about Kangaroo League star Jamie Lyon, who was barred by the Eels from playing for Wee Waa. You will be relieved to learn that he has found a temporary position pulling beers at the Wee Waa Bowling Club.

IS SWITZERLAND ON CRACK?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Harry P.)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they're ordering people to remove moose corpses.

Key quote: "Our policy is once a moose is dead, it's not ours anymore."

(Thanks to Steve)

WHAT YOUR COMPUTER NEEDS

A desktop polyp!

(Thanks to Michael DeCleene)

ATTENTION, DALLAS APARTMENT-HUNTERS

We're betting there will soon be some vacancies here.

April 19, 2004

CURSES

Foiled again.

(Thanks to Tina Mancuso)

SWM SEEKS DOWN-TO-EARTH FEMALE TO BE BEST FRIEND

(Thanks to Kerig Pope)

HEARTWARMING NEWS

And that's all I'm saying.

(Thanks to Tom Arey)

BRILLIANT CONSUMERS

You've been wondering who makes spam worthwhile for spammers? These people.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

MORE BRILLIANCE IN THE FAST FOOD INDUSTRY

"And when he gets there, cue the Scott Joplin music, ok?"

(Thanks to Rose8989)

April 18, 2004

WHAT WOULD CAUSE US TO WATCH MORE BASEBALL ON TV

This.

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)

WHAT WOULD CAUSE US TO WATCH GOLF ON TV

This.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

"I MUST DO SOMETHING!"

Canadian superheroes.

(Thanks to Nicole the Wonder Nerd)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY TO...

...this alert motorist.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

MODERN MEDICAL CARE

A man has to call 911 to get help while he's in a hospital bed.

(Thanks to Cory Foy)

NOT TO BRAG OR ANYTHING, BUT

...this blog loves cold weather.

(Thanks to Harry Poulter)

DEPARTMENT OF PEOPLE WITH A LOT OF SPARE TIME

Is there a bustle in YOUR hedgerow?

(Thanks to Jeff Milner)

MEDICAL ADVICE

Please make sure your doctor has graduated from the 3rd grade.

("Come on... let's go for it"?!)

(Thanks to Glen Ebbing)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using pet food.

(Thanks to tavesawyer)

MOO

When cow shootings go wrong...

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

TRAVEL ADVISORY

Once again this blog is on the road, this time to Spokane, Wash., which is often referred to as "the Spokane, Wash., of the Pacific Northwest." Basically, this blog will spend all of Sunday getting from Miami to Spokane, Wash., and all of Monday getting from Spokane, Wash., back to Miami. In between this blog will be doing something in Spokane, Wash., but will likely be too tired to remember what. But the point is that blogging will be sporadic for a while. Not that it's so regular the rest of the time.

April 17, 2004

BUREAUCRACY UPDATE

Problems with snake removal.

KEY QUOTE: "They won't pick up a snake, if it don't have legs."

CELEBRITY SIGHTING

You will never guess who was live on Fox TV this morning.

April 16, 2004

CAMPAIGN REFORM

It's about time somebody listened to the candidate about the issues.

(Thanks to Nick Camilleri)

SOMETHING ELSE...

...guys might want to do with hamsters.

(NOTE: Tragically, the video doesn't seem to work.)

(Thanks to Denis Mckervey)

URGENT FASHION BULLETIN

Fan Pants!

(Thanks to Lane Closure)

YOU MAY RESUME YOUR NORMAL BUSINESS

Turns out there is no poisoned toilet paper.

(Thanks to Steve)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Naughty Biscuit Tins

(Thanks to COLLINS69S and Michael J. Ester)

LOOK OUT, LONDON

A giant squid is heading your way. Or some giant squid heads. Either way, look out.

ADVISORY: This link takes a long time to load. But trust us: It's not worth it.

April 15, 2004

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

At this price, this won't last long.

(Thanks to Lisa White)

MATHEMATICIANS: WEIRD? OR STRANGE?

We report; you decide.

(Thansk to Michelle Tourigny)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO DON'T WISH TO SEE A GUY POKE ANOTHER GUY IN THE EYE, EVEN IN A SPORTSMANLIKE MANNER

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Mac)

GROPING TIGGER UPDATE

Now we have video.

(Thanks to John Dodds)

YOU'RE UNDER BRRRRRRPPP ARREST

Wisconsin officer wins doughnut-eating contest.

KEY QUOTE: ...he was destined to win Wednesday's contest because law enforcement runs in his family.

(Thanks to J.C.T. and stevenregn)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

As if anthrax wasn't bad enough, now they're mailing cats.

(Thanks to Karin Dixon)

ATTENTION, MEN

Turn off your TV.

(Thanks to Dawn Amato)

NEWS FROM ENGLAND

Philosopher advocates squirrel-eating.

(Thanks to Patrick MacKenna)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Not the bastards are using piranhas.

(Thanks to Brian Giovannini)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now the bastards want to take away our right to keep monkeys. But at least the courts have upheld our right to erect a giant weiner.

(Thanks to Jacob "Monkey" Aldridge and Mike "Giant Weiner" Zlotnick)

WHY THIS BLOG DOES NOT MESS WITH HOME IMPROVEMENT

Too dangerous.

MOTHER'S DAY IS COMING...

...and we have just the gift for Mom.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

April 14, 2004

ADVISORY

We keep getting email from people, some of them irate, who want this blog to fix the clock, because apparently this blog is off by an hour. In response, we would like to say that: (1) We don't know how to fix the damn clock, and (2) If you are relying on this blog for the accurate time, or anything else that involves accuracy, then you are on the wrong blog. This blog is about issues. Thank you.

The time at the tone is eleventeen hundred hours centigrade. BEEP.

AND OZZY GOT ALL THAT GRIEF FOR BITING THE HEAD OFF ONE BAT

Paul McCartney: Frog abuser

(Thanks to COLINS69S)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using rotten squid gas.

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)

WEE WAA UPDATE

Remember Lyon? Who was going to Wee Waa? Well, now the Eels are refusing to let him go.

April 13, 2004

TRAVEL ADVISORY

This blog will be "on the road" Wednesday and Thursday, so blogging will be irregular. If you have any questions or requests, please convey them to our Customer Service Department.

FORE!

When golf clubs are outlawed, only outlaws will have golf clubs.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

MOST DISTURBING JAPANESE COMMERCIAL OF THE DAY SO FAR

Huh?

(Thanks to Louis)

 
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