Dave Barry's Blog

HERE'S ONE FOR THE LADIES

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

(Thanks to Whurl Girl)

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE

This is one of those URLs that isn't what it seems to be, and it also leads to a whole new world of reading: http://www.qis.net/~minidonk/backiss.htm

(Thanks to Axel Estable)

HISTORIC ANNIVERSARY OBSERVED

Three decades of streaking.

(Thanks to Stephen Soymonoff)

TO ALL THOSE CRITICS WHO ARE ALWAYS SAYING THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH INNOVATIVE NEW TV SHOWS

We retort: Boy, are you correct.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOME PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCEMENT APPLICATIONS ARE SO DISGUSTING THAT EVEN THIS BLOG REFUSES TO LINK TO THEM

A good example is this

WARNING: You will be disgusted.

(Thanks to Louis in Tulsa)

ATTENTION, SUMMER-VACATION PLANNERS

You will want to book those reservations for Avon, Ohio, now

(Thanks to Kerig Pope)

DOGS: THEY'RE TOUGH

...but they are not rocket scientists.

(Thanks to David Pike)

HALLOWEEN IS NOT JUST AROUND THE CORNER

This is probably a good thing.

(Thanks to Louis)

BECAUSE WE ARE SOPHISTICATED

...we see nothing at all wrong with this.

(Thanks to Angela)

WHY WE LOVE DOGS

They provide useful services for humanity.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Gretchen and, it turns out, many thousands of other people, and you know who you are)

GUYS IN ACTION

On the Fourth of July, when women are making potato salad, guys are doing stuff like this.

CAUTION: There is some strong language, but there is a good reason for this.

(Thanks to Louis in Tulsa)

YOUR UTAH CRIME UPDATE

Low-carb larceny at Chuck-a-Rama

(Thanks to Peter Gregory and Jeff Meyerson and Lisa W and Rose)

WE HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE, BUT WE REPEAT:

There is a fine line between a hobby and a mental illness.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

VAGUELY ALARMING CONCEPT, BUT GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Nuclear Mosquitoes

(Thanks to Angel Foxworthy)

ATTENTION, PARENTS OF SMALL, EASILY FRIGHTENED CHILDREN

Have we got the birthday-party entertainment for you.

(Thanks to David Mezera)

WHY THIS IS THE GREATEST DAMN COUNTRY ON THE WHOLE DAMN EARTH

We have guys doing stuff like this.

(Thanks to Brad Buset)

LEGAL DEFENSE OF THE WEEK

The rooster did it.

(Thanks to Liz Batty)

FORGET DISNEY WORLD

Here is your summer-vacation attraction.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

FETISH OF THE DAY

Carstuck Girls

(Thanks to Laura Wenham)

WHEN NUTTER BUTTERS ARE OUTLAWED

...only outlaws will have Nutter Butters.

(Thanks to Harry and Liz Nast)

SPEAKING OF SUSHI

It has been too darned long since we experienced this.

RAW-FISH-RELATED PRODUCTIVITY APPLICATION OF THE DAY

Sushi racing!

(Thanks to Jon Alperin)

ISSUE RAISED

Dave & Judi,

Big fan of your columns, books, and blog.� In fact, I think your blog is the funniest darn thing on the Internet.

When you upgraded/moved, I wasn't crazy about the whole comments thing.� But I've learned to love it (and even post my own occasionally).� It does teeter on the edge of going completely out of control -- which I guess is reflective of your blog as a whole.

But please, please, PLEASE: Stop these crazy people from doing the whole "first" thing when they are first post.� (Or not first post.� Then they can post again and say "oh darn, I was second."� Then they all keep posting about how they were "third."� And on and on it goes.)

I mean honestly.� Get a life!

I think a good solution would be for Judi to move the comment of the person who writes "first" in the first post into second place.� The resulting outcry would be so worth it!

Garret
�

POSSIBLE CAUSE OF DEATH FOR PETRARCH DISCOVERED

Apparently, he had somebody else's head.

(Thanks to Steve)

MOO MOO

A calf named Unique.

(Thanks to Jay Ashworth)

BUT IT'S LOW IN CARBS!

We don't think this is funny. We're only linking to it so people will stop sending us the link.

(Thanks to many twisted individuals)

WHY WE WONDER ABOUT SCIENTISTS

They discover three new kinds of killer jellyfish, and immediately start breeding more.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEDICAL UPDATE

Whoops.

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)

NUCLEAR UPDATE

We're hoping this is not another one of those wacky nuclear-plant pranks.

(Thanks to Susannah Nation)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using lust-crazed rhinos.

Key Quote: "He was a big boy and obviously aroused"

(Thanks to many alert people)

GOOD NEWS!

For some of us, anyway.

Somebody needs to tell these people.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

WHY WE LIKE TO HANG WITH CHEMISTS

They are some wacky dudes.

(Thanks to Elizabeth Tenorio)

NEW ZEALAND NEWS UPDATE

When hamburgers are outlawed, only outlaws will have hamburgers.

(Thanks to Lisa)

SNAKES MAKING NEWS

Now they're attacking the prisons.

Key Quote: "Who needs terrorists when you got a rattlesnake?"

FUN AND EDUCATIONAL PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY

It's time for: The Head-Lice-Killing Game!

(Thanks to Dale Smith)

HA HA! WE COULD DIE LAUGHING!

Wacky fun at the nuclear plant.

(Thanks to Nathan Foutch)

FINALLY!

A major advance in the war on dog farts.

Key quote: "For a year, we said, 'No, that's stupid. Nobody would buy that for a dog.'"

(Thanks to John Dodds)

UPDATE: Rick Cablespeed notes that there is a similar product for humans.

NOW THAT'S SOPHISTICATION

A whole new level of presidential politics. Apparently not fake.

(Thanks to Eric Jensen)

COOOOOOOL DOG

If this is fake, we shall be very sad.

(Thanks to Andrew Smith)

LADIES: NOW YOU CAN GET THAT HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA

You just need to develop better study habits.

(Thanks to Marisol Maldonado)

ATTENTION: MEN WITH REALLY SMALL SHOES

Good news.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

VI@gR!a

Wouldn't it be quicker to just hit delete? Oh, wait, these are math guys.

(Thanks to Jacob�"It's perfectly normal" Aldridge)

WHY NUDE SKYDIVING IS NOT A GREAT IDEA

Unless you're just trying to give the world fun stuff to blog.

(Note: the actual skydiving does involved nudity, but the warning is more for the guy with the elephant.)

(Thanks to Lori Bodin)

LOVELY JACKDOLL

"Jack ! What is that you just want is to lick rum and to hit on girls in the dark restaurant at the center of that, Isn't it?"

We vote yes.

(Thanks to Amber Miller)

THOUGHTFUL MOTHER'S DAY GIFT SUGGESTION

This year, give Mom a Banana Guard.

(Thanks to Leah Bach)

PLEA FOR MERCY

Please stop sending this. We already blogged it. Everybody in the entire world, as far as we can tell, has already blogged it. Thank you.

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

"What do you mean, I'm going the wrong way?"

(Thanks to Kevin Vig)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they want to take away our basic constitutional right to dig trenches across roads.

(Thanks to Jessica R.)

WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT....

...when we think opera, we think ice hockey.

(Thanks to Will Ledesma)

RECIPE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Yum.