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April 22, 2004


For some of us, anyway.

Somebody needs to tell these people.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)


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and the dog ate mother's toes...arghh!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and FIRST!

"On average, a poet had a life-expectancy of only 62, he said. It compared to playwrights' average age 63 years, novelists' 66 years and non-fiction writers' 68 years."

Where does a humor columnist fit in the spectrum? Or a one-person-research-department-for-a-humor-columnist? Or someone who's major contribution to world literature is commeting on someone else's blog? When will the government fund research on the issues that people REALLY care about?

"Maybe we can meld again."

Dammit Spock, I'm a doctor, not a poet! Now get your mind-melding fingers away from my temple!

Roses are . . .


Oh! take me now!
Oh! torture me no more!
With your couplets and rhymes
With obtuse references
With flowerey words
With sing-song meter
With your poetry...
You pain my brain.

I can't seem to follow the logic here . . .

"Dr Kaufman said there may also have been another explanation for poets' early deaths - their prodigious output usually made them more noticeable. Poets produce twice as much of their lifetime output in their twenties as novelists do," he said. "If an unpublished novelist was to die, fewer people would notice.

. . . so notoriety causes death? Or do writers only have so much output in them and, when it's used up, they die?

Boo - maybe they need some charcoal underpants to curb their 'output.'

No! It was the dog, HONEST! I'm just a poet!

. . . or the causual connection. Dave, how many more novels (published or otherwise) do you have in you before you wither away and die. I can reserve the bookshelf space now.

I had this summer.... BANG!

This is why poets live shorter lifes


Is three to six years that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things. Now if poets lived an average of twenty years less then writers, then that is news and time to change careers.

Isn't poetry the same as Rapp? What day is this?

The Lundberg Survey reported Tuesday that gasoline prices at the pump just hit an all-time high. Oil is forty dollars a barrel. This summer if you want to take a trip without the kids, the Automobile Club recommends LSD and birth control pills.

I write haiku now
little did I know it was
bound to be fatal

everyone who has
written a haiku poem
one day will be dead

mike, your warning is
just one unit short in the
middle haiku line.

Mr. Cranky Pants is DOOMED!!!!

Boo Augustus:

the relationship is tricky but not harder to understand than the fact that your life expectancy goes up as you age (if you were 30 and you reach 31, you have escaped all your chances of dying at 30 so your expectancy goes up just a little bit).

Then (you are a famous novelist) => (you are probably old, because novelist become famous later in life) => your life expectancy is higher.

markhh, I pronounce poem as 2 syllables, so I don't agree.

I found this by searching the site....(I am NOT making this up)

I Am Part Of You
My body is new, I am newborn son
But look at me for who I am:
A soul that's old, yet just begun
To live again in flesh, awaiting your intention
Wanting only love for you, believing your dimension.

Recognize my faith in you and show your faith in me...
Watch me now extend your trust to everyone I see.
Always let me choose my life, remember why we met...
Support the way I teach myself to never be a pet.

I hope I give you all I ask and hope I don't ignore
The beauty that we share inside
Created so we'd never hide
We'd never lack reality and never try for more
Than who we were before.

Reluctant to let go of how we dance to hide our souls,
We'll never loose that part of us that we met when I was born!

Dave Barry

Copyright ©2004 Dave Barry

Dave.....is that???? GAAAAAA. Hurl alert!

There once was a man from Wisconsin
Oh wait..that was Nantucket.

Well, he'll get his soon enough.
Punky--does writing bad poetry accelerate death? Cuz I figure he's got abou two months left, tops.

Dave.....is that???? GAAAAAA. Hurl alert!

There once was a man from Wisconsin
Oh wait..that was Nantucket.

Well, he'll get his soon enough.
Punky--does writing bad poetry accelerate death? Cuz I figure he's got abou two months left, tops.

"If an unpublished novelist was to die, fewer people would notice."

If an unpublished novelist dies in the forest does anyone give a sh!t?

Punky, I DO live in the south. For another 2 weeks, anyways.....

Me thinks Pam is doubly serious......

So if they switch from poetry to playwriting they'll live an entire year longer? Sounds like the Death Clock giving me two EXTRA years if I take up smoking.

Always a good thing any time you can work "We've been devitalized;" into a poem...

Clearly the freedom of the internet is as much a tool for evil as for good!

The death rates for poets currently stands at 100%. Good.

There was a young maid from Madras,


More proof Dave doesn't have much time left with us.

That's Enough
I woke this morn to find my name
Had been illegally appropriated
By a copyright pirate
Named Freemont Lamont Tremont.
I don't appreciate that.
My attornies AND the attornies
Of the Miami Herald
Will be in touch.
Do not, I repeat DO NOT
visit rebelholler.com.
Dog mother toes.

Dave Barry

Copyright ©2004 Dave Barry

Speaking of the Death Clock, shouldn't it be asking if you are a poet or not?

Of course no thread about poetry would be complete without the ever deadly Vogon poetry. It is similar in form, content and theme to much of the HS senior poetry that I am force to peruse. Vogons do have better spelling, however, as I am sure you will appreciate.

Goop I implore thee, my Joonting turlingdromes.

And beebtiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles.

Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my burglecruncheon. See if I don't.

Your personal Death Clocks have now been reset minus several thousand seconds. HeHeHe

La nature est un temple . . .


Haiku Haiku

Five short syllables
Seven more for good measure
Then -- a surprise -- AAAAAAARRRRRGH!

Who huh what? Okay..





There must be some *really* bad poetry in there and some *REALLY* overly self-important "poets", too...

I'm askeert

So, I suppose that since I just sit here and write humorless sarcastic comments with no rhyme or reason, and have no unwritten novels clogging my arteries, then I will live forever!

Take that, Death Clock!

Methinks Punky is up to something...

Guess if ya drink enough it wouldn't matter what direction it was going. ;)

Why, when I think of all of these fine ladies getting together, does the exchange...

"so, what are we gonna do tonight, punky?"
"the same thing we do every night, MeL, try to take over the world..."

...come to mind?

I know, I should be having less g-rated thoughts, like the rest of the guys, but ya know, obsession has its limits.

That sound suspiciously like a scene from Pinky and the Brain. :P

So it does.

So you are saying that I am overestimating you?

No..no overestimation..perhaps UNDER. Seeing as how their plots always fail. If Punky is out to overtake the world I'm sure her plan will be genious and the world will be ours. O>:)

I'm still working out who is the genius and who is insane. Not that these are mutually exclusive.

And how do you know they failed - maybe they just wanted you to THINK that they failed.

Maybe they they just want you to know, that they know, that you think they have failed.

Really, look around boys, do your women-folk ever give you the impression that they are NOT in charge?

I rest my case.

Maybe, to be on the safe side, tomorrow's man. Harry P, Doug Brockmeier and twopuppies should email me so that we can pretend to be prepared for whatever they're planning.

I hope they don't work for the giant squids.

**Retreats in noticing numbered disadvantage, awaits arrived of reinforcements**

Um, Alex? mudstuffin? Hell...Doug? A little help here?

**realizes other guys have slipped in pools of own drool after thought of punky, mel, bangi, et.al together and have been knocked collectively unconscious...retreats further***

Ah, so you HAVE regained conciousness.

elf, we already KNOW that Punky is plotting to take over the world. At least now she's being somewhat out in the open about it, and we can keep an eye on her.

*elf, we already KNOW that Punky is plotting to take over the world. At least now she's being somewhat out in the open about it, and we can keep an eye on her.*

Maybe she is just the diversion and by keeping an eye on her you are leaving the others to carry out her nefarious scheme? Or maybe the others are the diversion and she is the one carrying out the scheme. Or maybe there is no scheme at all and she is just messing with your minds.
Try not to worry about, I'm sure everything will be just fine in the end and you will not feel a thing.

I think most of us have been doing that for a while.

Ladies, I know that I'm not in charge.

That's the way I want it, too.

Or maybe I'm the diversion and while you are reading my posts, the plot unfolds?

*Ladies, I know that I'm not in charge.

That's the way I want it, too.*

As if you have a choice.

That's it, just keep reading my posts. Keep reading ... Keep reading ...

Maybe the giant squids work for US?

Keep reading ... Keep reading ...Keep reading ...

"Females... they're full of wicked wiles!"

"What are wicked wiles, Grumpy"

"I don't know, but I'm agin' 'em!"

Have you ever heard of a woman crew-member dying from putrified squid entrail fumes?

Just something to think about as you ...

Keep reading ... Keep reading ... Keep reading ...Keep reading

You're right, Mike- that is like Bangi!

As far as Punky's plan go all I have to say is..

"I'll never tell..."

Now, Mel, we have all seen that after a few margaritas with alex, your tongue gets as loose as his morals.

Who paid for this research.......novelists or poets or was it pork in a congressional budget bill?

Clearly, it was the environmentalists. They're trying to save the rainforests be reducing the demand for paper.

D@mn, I seem to have lost a thread around here - has anyone seen it?

Anyway, across the hall are a bunch of examples of students' poetry about love. I can see that most of them deserve an early death - or maybe to get married (there are, of course, things worse than death).

What when alex is around is between me, him, and the...well let's just leave it as it's between me and him. ;)

Gee...thanks for making me feel like I'm gonna be the downfall of mankind. :P

er womankind. Whatever.

Don't worry Dave, they didn't include Rock Star.

Well, I was going to post something, but after reading about dead poets, and topical haiku and bad Dave(?) poetry and conspiracies to pit blogmen against blogwoman in an apocalyptic war of words that maybe will cause this board to implode, I forgot what I was gonna say.

mike, Thanks for that link! And,now that I've gotten past that bad patch in the acid pool, (LTTG as always ;-) I just gotta say

Bangi_Gurl, if you read this, couldja re-consider that black-hooded robe?! Kinda...well...ya'd sure make a splash in my new alt-Hel ice castle comin' in wearin' it and just yer feathered boa beneath! :-)

Always envisioned that boa as black too, but any color that sets You off so flamingly!!!!

P.S.sst alex?! A little advice: Do like I do and wait watching and poised. When Punky and the Lasses proceed with their plans, we'll be ready for the show, or to run for the hills, or to dive right in! :-)

OK, I'm gonna say it too and anyways: Punky and the Lasses wbagnfarb! :-)


To Old Age, by Walt Whitman:

I SEE in you the estuary that enlarges and spreads itself grandly as it pours in the gr...gr...gaaaaack! Aarp!


Here Gregg, have a beer to wash that down with! ;-)

What plot? there's not plot. What in the world are you boys talking about?

I built a machine and took over the world.
I did it because I was looking for a project.
And it was either learn French or take over the world.
So I took over the world. But nothing changed, because that would not be fair.
And next weekend I can learn French.

Google? What's google? I know nothing.


I pity the poor Internet-surfing fool that chooses to remain ignorant of Google!

(I know you're being facetious, of course.)

If poets die young
Then I guess I'll die young then
Well, dang. Goshdarnit.

That actually works better as a non-haiku:

Poets die young.
I guess I'll die young then.

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