Dave Barry's Blog

WOULD THAT BE ANY WORSE THAN THE CURRENT SYSTEM? WE'RE JUST ASKING.

Soon elephant-sized squid will rule the world..

EASTER WARNING

Better get a duck.

(This frightening article, sent in by child advocate Claire Martin, features some of the most tragic spellings this bloggerette has ever seen.)

APOLOGY AND ADVISORY

First, I apologize to those of you who send in links, only to see a link you sent posted with somebody else getting the credit. Here I'm thinking specifically of Mike Gaston*, who emailed about this, but it's also probably true of a lot of other folks.

The problem is that this blog operation is about as organized as a tub of live bait. The blog isn't my day job, and it definitely isn't judi's, so what we do is check the mail when we can, and kind of zip through it in a cursory and inefficient manner, hurl some links up, and get back to work, or what passes for work in our case. As a result we have a HUGE backlog of unread emails, and the truth is we'll never get to all of them. All I can say is, we do what we can, and we hope you understand if we don't get your link up here.

And now for the Travel Advisory: Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to get from Miami to Fayetteville, Ark., by air -- to my knowledge, nobody has ever done this -- so I won't be posting much, if anything, until probably the weekend. I can't speak for judi, but she might post some stuff, because that is the kind of bloggerette she is.

Anyway, take care. I will let you know if the Great Wall of China is visible from Fayetteville.

*NOTE TO DAVE: The person who emailed you was Patrick Patterson. Way to make amends.

*NOTE FROM DAVE: What, now I'm supposed to read things?

MATERNAL INSTINCT

And they wonder why stay-at-home moms get a little grumpy sometimes.

(Thanks to Bob Coller)

WALL OF CHINA UPDATE

Somebody needs to get up there and check again.

(Thanks to commenter Blognik)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCEMENT

This one actually helps you develop a useful skill.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

WHEW

Claire Martin finally checks in with an alarming item.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

SYSTEM BREAKDOWN

It's noon already and not ONE (Thanks to Claire Martin) in sight! What, do
you give her vacation days or something?

Mike DeCleene

ANOTHER KITCHEN HAZARD

Really hot recipes.

(Thanks to many alert readers)

MORE MANNERS

I can't contribute the time to read the 400+ comments on your original manners question, however I saw that one of the initial comments referred to using a wheelchair to avoid lines in amusement parks. I'm amazed that we don't see more people doing this. Every time we head to one, one of us breaks out the crutches or an old knee brace and the first place we head is to the wheel-chair rental place. In fact, at most amusement parks, the wheelchairs are free (I can only assume they don't want cripples further injuring themselves on-site). Then you simply head up the exit ramps of each ride and are put on immediately. I would estimate we get about 2-300% more rides than the average line-waiting chimp.

Of course, a few of these times, either myself or one in my party actually has had a real injury, but this is the exception, not the norm. A couple years ago at Disneyland we were actually given priority parking before we even got into the park itself. I actually had injured myself that time, so I didn't feel too bad.
I justify this practice quite easily in my head when I look at the costs of an average day in an amusement park. But, do I need to justify it at all? If people don't actually realize that I am dishonestly cutting in line, does that make it wrong?

Don't answer that.

David C Knowles

THOUGHT FOR TODAY

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing

-- Carl Douglas

SEASONALLY APPROPRIATE PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCEMENT APPLICATION

This is quite challenging.

(Thanks to Chris Davis)

WHAT EVERY GUY NEEDS

He needs one of these.

(Thanks to Mike Gaston)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using oven guns.

(Thanks to Maura Conyngham)

URGENT CHAKA AND DEMBA UPDATE

Whoops.

(Thanks to Bob Coller)

SNAKES IN THE NEWS

We're guessing that the hamster turned them in.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY

Sloopy, I don't care what your daddy do
'cause you know, Sloopy girl, I'm in love with you

-- The McCoys

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU CAT PEOPLE?

Aren't you, like, ashamed?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HOW FLATTERING

This news item was sent specifically to the Stealth Bloggerette from many an alert reader. So we're assuming either many people think the Stealth Bloggerette is a woman of great experience, or they think she should increase her intelligence. Either way, we win.

CULTURAL UPDATE FROM MEXICO

WARNING: Don't click this if you don't want your mother to think you are a football player.

One wonders what exactly one will shout when cheering for these teams. "Gimme an F, Gimme an asterisk..."

(Thanks to Collins69S)

EWW

Just fries for us, thanks.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

IN CASE THE SPIRITS VISIT YOU

You might want this little fellow handy.

p.s. Does this item need a warning? Only, I think, if you don't want your mom to think you're a gay duck.

(Thanks to Karen Sugahara)

WORMS, DOCTORS IN THE NEWS

We have this interesting finding by Dr. Raphael De Cock (yes, Dr. Raphael De Cock), and this alarming discovery by Dr. Kazam Khan (yes, Dr. Kazam Khan).

ANOTHER MANNERS QUESTION

First, thanks to those of you who responded to my question yesterday about line-butting, There were a lot of excellent thoughts in there, as well as some useful tips on the laundering of hats.

It went so well that I want to ask another manners question today. But before I do, let me say that: (1) Yes, I'll probably write a column on this, and (2) No, you will not be paid, though you will have my eternal gratitude, defined as "gratitude that could last for several days."

Anyway, today's question involves saving seats (or tables). When is this OK? My off-the-cuff feeling is that if the persons you're saving the seats for are actually somewhere on the premises, it's OK. The classic example is, you're at the movies, and one part of your party goes to find seats, while the other part buys popcorn.

But my feeling is that if the people you're saving seats for are NOT in the building yet, you really can't deny open seats to people who are actually there. Is that a valid distinction?

And what about tables? Often, at, say, a crowded shopping-mall food court, there will be many tables occupied by people who aren't actually eating, but simply camping out while others in their party get food. Now, under my on-the-premises guideline, this would be OK; the problem is that table-camping increases the average time of use for each table, which makes the crowding worse than if people waited until they actually had their food before sitting down.

Anyway, comment away. Or not! I realize you may have something more important to do. Although I frankly cannot imagine what.

WAIT, CANCEL THE TIE

Dad actually wants this.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IF YOU MUST GIVE DAD A TIE FOR FATHER'S DAY

...make it this tie.

(Thanks to Chris Miller)

SHE MUST HAVE BEEN IN A BAD MOOOOOOOOD

A cow decides to end it all.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

ATTENTION, MEN

Do not click here.

Key quote: "Devils, I don't have any chicken or duck for you."

(Thanks to Dan Gross, and we do mean "Gross")

IS THERE NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN?

Demba and Chaka are splitting up.

(Thanks to stevenregn)

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS BLOG COULD GO FOR ABOUT NOW?

Some Popeye's.

(Thanks to Davion)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using salad frogs.

TURN OUT THE LIGHTS

And don't bogart the trash.

(Thanks to Tom Preston)

ATTENTION, HOMEMAKERS

Here's a handy laundry tip.

LITERARY SURPRISE

This is NOT by Monica Lewinksy.

(Thanks to Patrick Patterson)

MANNERS POLL

OK, I have a question, based on something that happened to me yesterday.

I was at a tennis tournament, and I went to get some pizza for my daughter. There were three people ahead of me in line for pizza: a guy at the front of the line, and two women together behind him. So the guy at the front of the line -- we'll call him Guy A -- turns around and sees that he knows the guy behind me -- Guy B -- and tells him to come to the front of the line.

Guy B is reluctant, because he realizes it might be rude. So Guy A says to the women behind him, "Do you mind?" They say no.

I say nothing.

So Guy A says to Guy B, "Come on! They (meaning the two women) don't mind." Then, looking at me, he says: "HE minds, but he's not saying anything." Which was correct: I minded.

So Guy B goes to the front of the line.

My question is: Was this rude? I think it was. I detest people who butt into line because they happen to know somebody near the front. It reminds me of the worst aspects of junior high school. HOWEVER -- and I realize this may be inconsistent on my part -- it doesn't bother me when the people who move up are clearly related to the people in front, and came to the event together. Like, if a guy's in line, and he sees his wife walking by, it's OK for him to bring her up, or ask her is she wants him to get her something.

But to me, moving somebody up just because you know that person is rude to everybody behind you.

Am I right? Or wrong? Or what?

BRAIN TAKEOVER ALERT

This is worse than Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Dawn.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

A CAN OF WORMS

Those dudes in Ustka have no idea how much trouble they're in for.

(Thanks to Steve Regn)

WHY THIS BLOG IS NOT A MONK

We lack the discipline.

(Thanks to Brian Smith)

JOHNNY DEPP, NAKED

Why wait for the movie?

(Thanks to Dawn Bailey)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Oh, so now a guy can't even live with 70 goats without being probed.

Key quote: ""He has more goats than he can care for."

(Thanks to stevenregn)

ATTENTION PARENTS WHO ARE THINKING ABOUT GETTING TOUGH WITH THEIR TEENAGERS ABOUT THEIR CELL-PHONE USAGE

Think again.

(Thanks to Mark Hollomon)

FUN IN IOWA

Oh to be young and a maggot...

(Thanks to Brian Giovannini)

WE WONDERED WHERE JUDI WENT....

Johnny needed her.

(Thanks to Collins)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using snails.

(Thanks to Jacob Aldridge)

ART UPDATE

We think this work would look terrific in our foyer.

Key quote:

Evaristti, who was born in Chile, drew widespread attention -- and disdain -- when he displayed 10 working blenders filled with goldfish in a Danish gallery in 2000.

He invited guests to turn the devices on and someone did, grinding up a pair of goldfish.

(Thanks to Elizabeth Frederick)

IMPORTANT, DISGUSTING MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH

This blog's good friend Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post has the story.

(You may have to register. This blog hates registration sites and usually doesn't link to them, but this blog loves Gene, and the story is really disgusting.)

(Thanks to Anne Morton August)

MAYBE THEY COULD WORK AS GREETERS

Human remains to be re-buried at Wal-Mart.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

WHY THIS BLOG DOES NOT LIVE IN BRUNEI

Too exciting.

ATTENTION, PEOPLE SEEKING SOUND DIETING ADVICE

There is none here.

ATTENTION FEMALE PLUMBERS

Canada is here to help.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)