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February 19, 2004

ADVISORY TO RESIDENTS OF MARION COUNTY, FLORIDA

Watch out.

Key quote: "She goes by the name 'Lil bit,' but she's anything but little."

February 18, 2004

CAR BOWLING

The item posted below by the Stealth Bloggerette ("LOOK, UP IN THE SKY") about guys dropping bowling balls from airplanes reminds me of a column I wrote in 1994 about... well, about guys dropping bowling balls from airplanes. Except that the guys I wrote about weren't doing this for Scientific Reasons. They had invented a sport called Car Bowling:

This is an exciting new sport that I found out about from an alert reader named Robert Grimm. He referred me to a friend of his named Mark Luman, a pilot in Michigan, who informed me that what he and his pilot friends sometimes do, for recreation, is go up in airplanes and drop bowling balls on cars.

At this point, many of you women are thinking, "They drop WHAT? On WHAT? From WHAT??" Whereas you men, because of your complex and subtle psychic interplay, are thinking: "When can I do this?"

I have to admit that the idea of Car Bowling appealed to me, although I did have a couple of concerns, the main ones being:

1. Are there motorists in these cars?

2. Do the pilots wear rental shoes?

I am pleased to report that the answer to both questions is "no." Luman told me that in Car Bowling, you use an unoccupied junk car, which you place on the runway of a private airport. Then you fly over in a small plane, going 80 to 90 miles per hour at an altitude of 20 to 50 feet, and attempt to hit the car with a bowling ball. If you succeed, you get the sense of inner spiritual gratification that comes from seeing what happens to a car that has been hit by a bowling ball. But the beauty of Car Bowling is that even if you miss, you get a very positive result, from the male perspective.

"You cannot imagine," said Luman, "how far a bowling ball will bounce when it hits a hard surface at that speed. It's amazing."

But fun though it is, I believe that Car Bowling could be adapted to provide major social benefits in the field of shopping-mall parking enforcement. Think how many times you've been inconvenienced at the mall because some jerk has left his car sprawled across two parking spaces. Right now little can be done about this, because the law prohibits mall security personnel from writing parking tickets. But the law does NOT -- I urge you to confirm this for yourself -- specifically state that mall security personnel may not drop bowling balls on improperly parked cars from low-flying aircraft. And if I know anything about mall security personnel, they would jump at the chance.

Oh, sure, there would be a certain degree of risk. You cannot guarantee 100 percent surgical accuracy with this kind of operation; you're going to have some unfortunate situations where an errant bowling ball, traveling at 85 miles an hour, blasts through the wall of, say, a crowded greeting-card store. But that will be a small price to pay if motorists start showing some respect for the parking-lot lines. As the old saying goes: "You can't make an omelet without jeopardizing the lives of innocent people."

TELEMARKETER UPDATE

Yay.

(Thanks to Liana Lloyd)

LOOK, UP IN THE SKY

It's a guy!

(Thanks to Jim Hohnbaum)

ON SHAKING HANDS WITH A RUGBY PLAYER

Hi Dave,
this Hopoate story is old news in NZ and Oz. It spawned a new drink called Hopolatte, you stir it with your finger!
cheers
sherbert

ANOTHER FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Should soon be arriving in this guy's mailbox.

(Thanks to Dan Sauberlich)

ATTENTION, GUYS

You know you want to see this.

(Thanks to Laurie Forbes)

URGENT POLITICAL UPDATE

Forget about the Democratic primaries. Here is the race to watch.

February 17, 2004

ATTENTION, VISITORS TO MANCHESTER, ENGLAND

Do not miss Mr. Weasel Head.

SHOULD YOU SHAKE HANDS WITH A RUGBY PLAYER?

Maybe not.

(Thanks to Crystal Allen)

February 16, 2004

WHAT GUYS WANT IN THE WAY OF A PRACTICAL VEHICLE FOR COMMUTING

They want this.

ATTENTION GEEKS

You.... won't want.... to..... miss out. Enroll.......NOW!

(Thanks to David Tong)

COOOOOOOL

It's hard to believe the blog never blogged this, but even if he did, it is this bloggerette's considered opinion that some Guy Things are worth re-blogging.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

Well, DUH.

(Thanks to Lee Elliott)

HELP

They need volunteers in Maidenhead.
Key quote: "This explosion of toads usually takes place at the end of February and beginning of March."

(Thanks to Steve Parsons, who did not point out that Explosion of Toads would be a good name for a rock band)

WILL YOU STILL VOLE ME TOMORROW?

Sorry. You want a Muskrat Love joke instead?

(Thanks to Saheli "Claire Martin" Datta)

WHAT EVERY MALE IN THE WORLD WANTS

He wants this.

(Thanks to Claire Martin, who apparently has finally grown tired of watching turtle sex on the Crittercam)

CANADA: NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME?

We report; you decide.

Key quote: "I can smell your crotch from here."

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)

SO

We see that, over the weekend, this blog was entirely taken over by posts about the "Crimson Room." We find this very disappointing, as this blog was originally intended to be dedicated to discussions about important issues.

Speaking of which: This blog refuses to be drawn into rumors and innuendo concerning the alleged allegations that, when George W. Bush was allegedly absent from his alleged National Guard duties in 1972, he was allegedly having an affair with John Kerry. It is none of this blog's business.

February 15, 2004

ENOUGH ABOUT THAT D*MN CRIMSON ROOM

Dear "Escaped" persons,

3990 persons have escaped from that stupid "CRIMSON
ROOM" now (by 23:00 Feb. 14th in Japan).
I'm trying to build a perfect list, please wait for
a few days.

I'm working hard to make the next "Viridian room".
You had better to keep the CD case.

Thank you,

TAKAGI


(Thanks to Angie)

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

You don't have to watch the video and click where the X was three times.

After about 15 seconds of seeing how stupid the whole thing was, I clicked the X in the top right corner of my window just once and the whole thing went away. Problem solved. I was out of the room.

Michael van Huystee

February 14, 2004

THAT D*MN CRIMSON ROOM

PLEASE, does anybody know how to solve this Crimson Room? It's killing me!
Andrew Reay

Hi Dave,
Love your blog.
But now that you have posted that room to escape from, any idea how to do just that???
Thanks !
Angie (going slightly mad here!) :)

Please, for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, post the way out of that goddam Crimson Room. I beg of you.
What the hell is that video? You'd think I'd be able to get out with that much.
Alas, I am crumbling.
Please -
Shawn Adler

So how far did you guys get? I've made it to the film of a boppin' dude in baggy shorts, but past that I am LOST.
(Well, maybe "lost" is the wrong word, since I can't GO anywhere....)
And now I'm going to have nightmares about red walls and stale CD players.
Grrrrr.
Your loyal fan,
Regine Rossi

I think that, for the sanity of everyone who hasn't been able to get out of that damn crimson room, someone should post the way how to get out on your blog. I have wasted a whole hour just turning around and around in that room, and - get this - it's not funny anymore.
--Maria Fanucchi, who really hates Toshimitsu Takagi

And here's the only one with any information (at least it's news to this bloggerette):

How the hell were we supposed to know that the code
for the safe was #### when the url is broken on the
history page? Um...don't ask me how I figured it out.
Adam Endwright

(Safe? What safe?)

{EDIT}

SPOILER FOR THOSE WHO ARE STUCK


It sounds too simple but the key (at least in part) is: Wait til it's over and then click where the X was.

(Thanks to a bunch of people who didn't suffer like the rest of us. Some of whom should have. For instance:

Oh, and p.s. This took me about a half hour to figure out, from start to finish.
-Daniel "Steel Mandarin" "Savior of millions of frustrated
blogreaders" Sterman

Dan? Mandarin this.)

PROOF THAT SOUTH AFRICANS ARE INSANE

They are deliberately providing shelter for the snake-killing spider.

Key quote: "The snake had been preserved in alcohol, while the spider was living in a covered jar on his desk."

And, yes, this blog is well aware that "The Snake-Killing Spider Shelterers" would be a good name for a rock band.

February 13, 2004

WE DON'T GET IT

What, is there supposed to be something "funny" about this headline?

(Thanks to Ricky "Ricky Kidd" Kidd)

FRUSTRATING PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

("Thanks" to Jennifer Leigh)

BREAKING NEWS

It's Tupperware, the movie.

(Thanks to Catherine Connor)

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

Since when is showing town spirit a bad thing?

(Thanks to Craig Robbins)

BLOG MIGRATION UPDATE

Australian blogger Tim Blair has alleged in his blog that this blog's plan to migrate to a new site, with advertising, is actually a giant-corporate-media plot to steal his advertising. This blog is a big admirer of Mr. Blair, and wishes to reassure him, in all sincerity, that we will crush him like a bug, along with anybody else who dares to get in our way BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Thank you. That is all.

Forget ABOUT JANET JACKSON'S RIGHT-HAND BREAST

The perverts at National Geographic are using something called "The Crittercam" to videotape sea-turtle sex.

February 12, 2004

ATTENTION, TRAVELERS TO SOUTH AFRICA

Do not mess with the spiders.

February 11, 2004

A CALL TO ACTION

Concerned citizens, unite!

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

AN OUTRAGE

This blog is seriously thinking about suing this woman for getting this blog all excited and then dashing this blog's hopes like this.

(Thanks to Brad Buset)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

It's not delivery, it's oooh baby.

(Thanks to the raging surging throbbing Dave Barry for President campaign Field Coordinator, Ted Habte-Gabr.)
(I mean the campaign is raging, etc. Not Ted. Though who knows, if he gets one of these.)
(Ted, you do have my number, don't you?)

GOT A FUNNY TITLE FOR THIS ONE?

I'm stumped.

(Thanks to Maria Fanucchi)

TAX MONEY WELL SPENT

Why not just send the cats to Mars?

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)

OH, THEY CAN'T?

You can tell it was written by a girl because when you're at 8, you go directly to 10. So they can't to 10!

Brian Hanson


You're just trying to make cry.

IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT...

Raise your hand.

(Thanks to a lot of crazy people)

I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER

Finally, there's hope for Charles II and me.

(Thanks to several thousand Valentine-ready readers)

MAJOR CHANGES COMING

Next week, to Serve You Better, this blog is going to migrate to a new location. Even as you read these words, Miami Herald and Knight Ridder technical people are doing complex technical things that this blog does not even remotely comprehend, involving concepts such as "templates." Meetings are also being held. It is very scary, and this blog would not be surprised if there are technical "glitches," possibly resulting in worldwide nuclear war.

But if it all works out, we will be at a new location, with an upgraded blog that will feature such improvements as a "comments" section. Also there will be advertising, because this blog is part of the capitalist media corporate structure that controls every aspect of everything and already has determined the outcomes of the next six presidential elections.

Anyway, we will alert you when it is time to start going to a new location to view this blog. Rest assured, however, that this blog will continue to provide you, the consumer, with virtually no useful information. In fact, we hope to be providing you with even more information of no value, because we are almost finished with our overdue book, and hope to be posting more soon. But we will continue to welcome the contributions of our Stealth Bloggerette, Judi Smith, who has been doing the yeoman's share of the blogging for the past few weeks, whatever the hell a "yeoman" is.

That is all for now. More to come. You may resume what you were doing. Be sure to wash your hands afterward.

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are interefering with the fundamental human right to charm snakes.

February 10, 2004

WOMAN ARE BETTER, BECAUSE THEY'RE NONVIOLENT

Yeah, right.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

February 09, 2004

AND ANOTHER THING...!

Talk about needing to have the last word.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

SYMPATHY

... Byrne's lucky, sometimes i WISH it were my fingers in the proverbial clamp...

Dominick Pipitone

AND YOUR POINT IS?

RE: the scientific experiment reported in this blog Friday, Byrne Hobart states:

Putting my fingers in a clamp and letting a woman tighten it until the pain is absolutely unbearable is a pretty good analogy for my typical relationship.

A PERFECT GIFT FOR THE MUSIC LOVER ON VALENTINE'S DAY

But you'd better hope he likes it.

(Thanks to Daniel "Steel Mandarin" Sterman)

DUPED, PART DEUX

I may cry.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

WE'VE BEEN DUPED

What's next? We find out Ben and J Lo haven't really broken up?

(Thanks to Robert Gidley)

ENTOMOPHAGY

Something I've never really wanted to know more about. If you do, go here.

(Thanks a big freaking bunch to Thad Humphries for helping me with my diet.)

SUIT PENDING?

More disgruntled Super Bowl viewers.

(Thanks to Brad Buset)

UNFAIR

When I think of Hooters, I certainly think of balloons.

(Thanks to Jessi L. Bencloski)

 
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