Dave Barry's Blog

OFFENSIVE?

It's only a greeting card. Really.

(Thanks to David Tong)

SCIENTIFIC PROOF

That evolution is not true.

(Thanks to Mac)

RELIGIOUS NEWS FROM PHUKET, THAILAND

Let us pray.

(Thanks to Chris Lourens)

JUST FOR THE RECORD

Judi, the person who claims there is only one penis reference in today's postings, has another posting that she titled "HOLD THE PICKLE."

$13,704 WORTH

That's a lot of manties undergarments.

(Thanks to Tom Preston)

NOW HEAR THIS

Please note that the exploding whale story has already been blogged. And here is the penis version.

(Thanks to everyone with a computer, twice.)

(Please also note that this is the only reference to penises in today's blog.)

(So far.)

I CAN'T GET NO....

No, no, no.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HOLD THE PICKLE, HOLD THE LETTUCE

Hold on just a darned minute.

(Thanks to Gavin Donos)

ATTENTION, JOB-SEEKERS

"All you have to do is take this backpack and...."

(Thanks to Johnny W.)

NO SOUP FOR YOU

You can't handle the soup.

(Thanks to Mike Ester)

THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT, HONEY!

Or not.

(This one is all Mitch Skelton's fault)

HOW GUYS MAKE A POINT

They make it with a dead cow.

(Thanks to Sarah Barron, via Gene W.)

ELVIS UPDATE

My good friend and former editor, Gene Weingarten, who is insane, has a story in today's Washington Post in which he reveals a deep secret about the second time Elvis died.

Let me also take this opportunity to plug a really, really funny book that Gene co-wrote with Gina Barecca, I'm With Stupid, which will be on sale soon at Bookstores Near You.

WHY THIS NATION IS FEARED BY THE WORLD

Because we have citizens like this.

ME NEITHER

How far'd you get?

H.m.m?

LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT

I am working hard on a column today. I am not just sitting here playing some stupid game.

UPDATE: If I were playing some stupid game -- which I am NOT -- I would be able to hit the penguin much farther with this version.

(Thanks to Nathan Nelson)

MASTERPIECE RE-ALERT

Someone apparently purchased it.

(Thanks to Chris Stegall, art sleuth)

MEN: WANT TO SCORE BIG WITH THAT SPECIAL LADY ON VALENTINE'S DAY?

Give her this.

(Thanks to John Taylor)

STILL MORE TERRORISM

Now the bastards are using fashion.

(Thanks to Jennifer C. T.)

SPEAKING OF PENISES

Here's that song.

(Thanks to Mike Newman and a bunch of other alert [if you know what I mean] readers)

IN MY OWN DEFENSE

They say to write about what you know.

MYSTERIOUS HEIST

They probably ran out of duct tape.

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)

ALSO FOR THE RECORD

This blog would like to state that it is no doubt purely coincidental that roughly 80 percent of the items posted by Judi somehow involve penises.

FOR THE RECORD

In the exploding-whale item posted by Judi below, this blog finds nothing amusing about the fact that one of the people quoted is "Professor Wang Chien-ping." That is all.

VACATION HOT SPOT

Oh, yeah.

(Thanks to Tim White)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using whales.

(Thanks to 77 million readers)

SORRY

Apparently, too many people clicked on the link below, and now the page is down. This blog apologizes, and would like to stress that the page you can't see now is really funny. So try to just not think about it. Thank you.

MASTERPIECE ALERT

Now this is what this blog calls "art."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

UPDATE ON SITES THAT TURN OUT TO BE NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED

www.cummingfirst.com/organ

(Thanks to Russ Fletcher)

DEPARTMENT OF INTERNET SITES THAT TURN OUT TO BE NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED

cummingfirst.com

(Thanks to Sandi)

FINAL CAMPAIGN UPDATE

Here is your final New Hampshire report, and here is a photograph of me with Sen. Joe "Joe" Lieberman. We are wearing our matching campaign-trail outfits.

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY PREDICTION: I predict that, once again, I will finish within two percentage points of Dennis Kucinich and the Rev. Al Sharpton.

GUYS: DON'T READ THIS

You already know all you want to know about safe swimming.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

I do.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

UH-oh

(Thanks to Mary Hofmann)

MORE FROM NORWAY

No wonder no one's watching the grain.

(Thanks to many alert music lovers.)

EXPLOSION IN NORWAY

I recommend duct tape.

(Thanks to Thomas Gulbrandsen)

A FORMER NEW HAMPSHIRETTE SPEAKS OUT

I believe if you look closely at the state license plate, the state motto for New Hampshire is "Live, Freeze or Die". Or maybe it's "Live, Freeze AND Die". I don't know how the candidates are going to convince the voters of NH anything; they seem unaware that their plates still depict the "Old Man in the Mountain" even though the landmark itself actually committed suicide last year, due to boredom, I suspect.

ps. The NH state animal is: the moose, the state flag is: plaid, and the state flower is: the satellite dish.

Nancy Torborg

That is all.

SPEAKING OF MEN'S UNDERWEAR

I'll probably get in lots of trouble if I blog this. So forget I said anything.

(Thanks to Lauren Abbott)

WHO NEEDS SAFETY EXPERTS

When you have guys with duct tape?

(Thanks to Michael Ester)

NEW HAMPSHIRE UPDATE

Here you go.

CAMPAIGN UPDATE

Here's your New Hampshire update; the regular Sunday column is here.

Also I'll be on the Chris Matthews show this morning. They taped it Friday, and to the best of my recollection I didn't say one intelligent thing. But you can see how bad my hair is.

I plan to produce a couple more New Hampshire updates if I can, but it is REALLLLY cold here.

Q. How cold is it?

It is so cold that my computer keyboa

CAMPAIGN UPDATE

Here is your first report from New Hampshire. I'll be here for several more days, at which point, if I never turn the engine off, my rental car should be warm.

Meanwhile, I thank Bloggerette Judi Smith, who has been doing most of the blogging in my absence, which is why you are seeing more posts involving male underwear models.

LADIES, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE

You know you've always wanted to do this.

(Thanks to Chris "Lesbian Chaser" Albanese)

GUYS -- DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GET YOUR GIRL FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

Your troubles are over.

(Thanks to Rex Hammock)

SEEMS LIKE A FINE TOPIC TO ME

You need to do us men a great service and use your clout to investigate the Great Men's Briefs Conspiracy, namely that underwear size has nothing to do with your waist size, so they never fit, but most [respectable] stores won't let you return them, so you have to keep buying more till you get it right.

Mike Burns

I'm trying to picture underwear that is so far from one's waist size that it takes several tries to get it right. Actually, I'm just picturing underwear. Thanks, Mike.

CELL PHONE USERS

Apparently they're crazy about ring tones. But do they have anything good?

(Thanks to Tom McNulty)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

For the Marlins fan.

(Thanks to Jeff Roush and Jen Sharp)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now you can't even call your best girl on your coffee break.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Or not.

Key sentence: "The policewoman saw a stain on his trousers, scraped some off and saw it was salad cream."

(Thanks to Justin Bowdidge)

HEY, E.T.

It's for you.

(Thanks to Aaron Butler)