Dave Barry's Blog

WE SURE AS HECK KNOW WHAT WE'LL BE DOING AT 9 TONIGHT!

Reading.

(Thanks to billions of people)

NOTHING SAYS HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING

...like a Dale Earnhardt action figure.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

RETAIL MUSIC DEBATE CONTINUES

Okay, so maybe I am not a total expert, but I did work in a mill (a molding mill, to be precise) for three months, and I heard the sound of a Hyster (R)(TM)(C) backing up a whole lot every day.� Now, I didn't go crazy over it, although I know some people who did.� I just got really used to it, to the point where I didn't really even listen to it anymore.� I knew what the noise was, I knew what it meant, so it didn't need conscious brain power anymore for me.� For anyone who doesn't know what a Hyster backing up sounds like, it sounds like a high pitched beeping, perhaps like the alarm clock from Hell.� So while I can't say anything about slaughterhouses, per se, I can say that beeping wasn't nearly as bad as music.� My brain can't disconnect itself from music very well, and I wouldn't be wearing ear plugs, so I can say that I am sorry for all those who are driven slightly bonkers by the same songs over and over. -- Annette Goeres

ATTENTION, POULTRY PRODUCERS

Please do not throw your poultry into the wood chipper. Thank you.

(Thanks to Joe Estes)

NEW LOW REACHED IN MARKETING

Presenting: The Charmin Toilet Paper Bear

(Thanks to Jymi)

WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE IN CANADA?

Lady mayor gets naked.

Key name of town official quoted in story: "Nipper Kettle"

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick and Theresa Hogue)

CANADIAN DOCTORS: TOO MUCH SPARE TIME?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Cameron "Mexican Donor" Dixon)

OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

This practical application will help you get even more done than ususal this holiday season.

(Thanks to John Bennett)

COWBOY FUNERAL UPDATE

If you're going to be buried near Roy and Dale, you'll want to be buried in one of these.

(Thanks to Bob Kingsbery)

THOSE BASTARDS

Now they're using fruitcake.

(Thanks to Brad Buset)

RETAIL MUSIC, CONTINUED: THE STORY

RETAIL MUSIC, CONTINUED: THE STORY OF A CHUCK E. CHEESE SURVIVOR

When I was young and strong I took a job at the local Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Time Theatre. I laugh when I read of wispy Europeans who can equate listening to Christmas music as psychological torture. "Hah!" I say. "What do they know of REAL pain?" And then I turn out the lights to wallow in the memories of hordes of screaming children in full throat yet still unable to drown out the noise of the pinball and skee-ball machines. No matter how loudly the children puke and pee in the ball cage, I still must listen to the six-foot tall mechanical, gold-Vegas-suit-wearing Elvis Dog belt out his entire catalog of five - and only five - of the King's most popular hits. That dog will turn on, without apparent help from anyone, and sing though his catalog roughly 16 times in a given eight-hour period, the bastard. And then there is the stage show in the Main Dining Room. Lord help me, it really is possible to hear "Hiiii, kiiiids! [whir. click.] Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck!" too often in a single lifetime.

And yet, I survived. Even when wearing the giant purple rat suit and scaring four-year old birthday guests, I survived. Some spineless Belgian (or whomever) can't even listen to Christmas songs for a couple of months without freaking out.

Europeans. No wonder they folded so easily under Hitler.

This horrible monologue brought to you by

Cameron "Too Much Time On My Hands Today" Wood

"The Wispy Europeans" would be a good name for a bad rock band.

HOLIDAY RETAIL MUSIC: A DISSENTING VIEW

Is anybody else out there sick of reading about the "misery" of listening to muzak over the holidays? I wonder if the guys who work in the slaughterhouse, - listening to the screams of dieing livestock, not just a month, but the whole year 'round - I wonder if they could share with us some amusing anecdotes about their experiences? Or maybe we should invite all the people who work in manufacturing plants to regale us with stories about the noise levels in the factories where they work?

Gerald "Regal Decree" Reece

This blog suspects that if they played "Frosty the Snowman" over and over in the slaughterhouse, the cows would be going, "Hey! Slaughter me first!"

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using jetskis.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

(Is it just this blog, or does "The Jetskis" sound like the name of an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon series about a Polish family living in the future? No? OK.)

FOR THAT SPECIAL GUY ON YOUR GIFT LIST...

Give him: The Urinator. (Wasn't that a Schwarzenegger movie?)

(Thanks to Lee "Elf Eros ET" Foster)

LEAVE SANTA SOME CASH WITH THE MILK AND COOKIES

Or else.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FUN GIFT FOR THE COWPERSON ON YOUR LIST

Merry Christmas, pardner! Here's your plot!

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HOLIDAY RETAIL HELL, CONTINUED

I used to work in a video rental store and now retain an almost flawless knowledge of almost every Disney movie made. Like most video rental places it had several TVs around the store that always had to play "family appropriate" movies. Words can't describe the emotional strain of the December work season when all the managers want playing is Christmas movies, and the employees can't play anything but G rated movies, which means either badly animated, or the old clay animation movies from the 60's. Not only were the employees subjected to a solid month of overdone Christmas, but our particular store stayed open on Christmas eve and Christmas Day. So the real burner would come on Christmas Day when people would come in and demand fast service because they "Want to get back to their families!" At which point I would nearly go insane because Rudolf had just saved Christmas for the fourth time, and because all of the Christmas Day customers seem to be under the impression that all of the people that work at the store on Christmas are orphans that sleep under the counter. Oh, the holiday joy of the working stiff. -- Sara "Rage In Bears" Ebinger

THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Time to decorate your rat.

(Thanks to Julie Zelman)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using deer. Also, cows.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

WHY WE NEED COLLEGE STUDENTS

They are not afraid to tackle the issues.

Key quotes:

"Wal-Mart is the New America ... united we stand, 24 hours a day, consume, consume, consume," said James Kubie, a sophomore from Dunwoody and an organizer of the performance.

. . .

The group documented their performance with photographs, video tape and audio recordings, and will put material on a Web Site for their final grade.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

THEY WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

Jailbreak in Rio.

(Thanks to Philip Harjung)

CRIME UPDATE

When buckets of liquid are outlawed, only outlaws will have buckets of liquid.

(Thanks to Ed "Held Danger" Dahlgren)

WEATHER HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

Here's how you can tell when a tropical storm has developed to maturity.

(Thanks to Larry)

SPORTS HEADLINE OF THE MORNING

>From your Miami Herald

HISTORIC HAIR BUYER QUESTIONS

I had a long look at Hair in a Frame and finally decided to purchase a few tufts for a very unique hair piece. I noticed that I can enter a quantity of 10.000 for each strand. So, if I entered 10,000 on one order for Abe Lincoln hair (for the bargain price of only 15 million Dollars) I can make a tenth of a head Lincoln hair piece. But calculations showed I needed at least ten times that much hair for a full piece. (Money is no object here.) Do you think they will have that much hair? Now, if I ordered Ronald Reagan hair (at only $595.00), I can place many orders because he is still producing. I'll let you know how I get on. -- Chris Lourens

We're sure they have a warehouse full of Lincoln hair.

SPORTS HEADLINE OF THE MONTH

Right here.

(Sent in by many people, all guys)

MORE MUSIC HORRORS

Not quite retail, but a true horror story. I worked at a restaurant in the Village, with the name Hasta La Pasta. When the owner would go out of town, he'd leave his lazy, mean-spirited son in charge, who would proceed to torment us – and chase off customers — by playing the Hadaway song What Is Love (I think it's what they use in the SNL disco shtick) on repeat. For 12 hours at a time. Not the album, mind. Just that song. "What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more." Again. And again. And again. And it did hurt me.

I could also mention the time in my wild youth when I was handcuffed to about five other guys in the back of a police van, while they played a tape containing nothing but Bad Boys (the Cops theme song) and the Smashing Pumpkins song Bullet With Butterfly Wings ("Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage). But that doesn't fit the retail theme at all, so I won't mention it.

-- Harry Siegel

FUN CHARACTER

Meet Mr. Happy Crack.

(Thanks to Eric Taylor)

MAKES SENSE TO THIS BLOG

A Pennsylvania grandmother honks her horn to prevent hunters from shooting deer, and is subsequently charged with illegally scaring deer.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using toad-throwing pranksters, which would also be a good name for a band.

(Thanks to Bob Hopf)

WHAT THE GUY WHO ATTENDS A LOT OF MEETINGS WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR

He wants a catapult watch.

(Thanks to Marianne Roeder)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Contraption in your Pants

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick and Jeff Bliss)

HEADLINE OF THE MONTH SO FAR

So, Poland eats this big meal at a Mexican restaurant, and then . . .

(Thanks to Jeremy Mishkin)

ATTENTION, STARBUCKS

Here's a really bad idea.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

RETAIL MUSIC HELL: A REPORT FROM THE AUSTRALIAN FRONT

Dear Dave,

We're all quoting the 'psycho-terrorism' report at our major department store. We have apparently ONE christmas tape. One!!! Despite the fact that our store has produced a charity christmas album for the past four (five?) years with contemporary pop artists, we're being subjected to the same goddamn music tape, which repeats roughly every 1.5 hours. On a 12 hour day, you can imagine the bleeding ear torture of it all.

Besides, the whole tape is 1950s era christmas tunes. Don't get me wrong, I have a huge collection of jazz from that era, but these two songs in particular really annoy the crap out of the staff:

-- "Im getting married/nothing for Christmas" - sung in a sing-song whine by the woman, can't find the links to the lyrics, but its a really pre-feminist bunch of crap.

-- "Santa got stuck in my chimney"

On top of the endlessly repeating xmas tape (all snow and winter and so on in the middle of summer for we Australians) we have the extra bonus - rude customers. Customers who think nothing of shoving other people aside, huffing and sighing whilst waiting to be served, interrupting me whilst Im talking to someone, and asking for free samples (and getting snarky if they don't get them).

I'm on my feet all day, for crap rates, walking up to eight kilometres in a day, with 45 minutes in total break in which to sit down. If you're wondering why the sales assistant is cranky, its because we are numbed by the muzak, we need a drink/break, and our feet hurt so badly that we can barely stand by the end of the day.

I will never pass up a desk job ever again.

Cheers

-- Jodie Hunter

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS UPDATE

Another brilliant plan foiled.

(Thanks to many people)

SHOW BUSINESS UPDATE FROM SIERRA LEONE

When they've paid to see Aki and Paw Paw, you had darned well better give them Aki and Paw Paw.

(Thanks to 14 million people)

HOOTERS AIR UPDATE

On the Hooter's Air website, they had a 'Top Ten' reasons why you should fly their airline. It was mainly marketing mumbo jumbo, and it didn't state the obvious Number One reason: 1) In the unlikely event of a water landing, the flight attendants can be used as flotation devices -- Jeff Kyser

FINALLY, SCIENTISTS TACKLE A REAL PROBLEM

It's about (urrrrp) damn time.

(Thanks to Ray Wright)

WATCH OUT, IRAQ

Here come the mighty marchin' New Jersey Finance Clerks.

(Thanks to Bryan Littel)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using elephants.

(Thanks to many people)

SPEAKING OF HOOTERS AIR

Ryanair is apparently trying to enhance its image.

(Thanks to many people)

AIRLINE UPDATE

You are now free to grope about the cabin.

(Thanks to Robert Coller)

YOU KNOW WHO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH

The question is: Are you compatible?

(Thanks to Laura Wray)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using morons.

(Thanks to Ray Wright)

WHAT PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY ON YOUR GIFT LIST WANTS THIS YEAR

Civil War hair in a big-ass frame

(Thanks to Mitch "Pneumatic Death" Patenaude)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND CAUGHT

A wrongdoer is apprehended despite his brilliant plan.

(Thanks to many people)

URINAL MONEY UPDATE

A Nebraska couple shows some class.

Key quote:

And once they spotted two bits in the urinal at the library.
IN the urinal.
No, they didn't snatch it.
"We do have boundaries," says Darcy.

(Thanks to Claire Martin and Dan Sauberlich)

ATTENTION, HOLIDAY SHOPPERS LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT GIFT

Here you go.

OUTRAGE

Miami is only number 23? We demand a recount.