Dave Barry's Blog

FLATULENT HERRING UPDATE

When I wrote about wind-breaking herring, I had no idea that they were already a force in bicycle racing.

(Thanks to Larry New)

MIKE ZLOTNICK UPDATE

In response to the question from Karen Eutsler Little about whether this is the Mike Zlotnick, Mike Zlotnick emails as follows: "This is the real Mike Zlotnick."

We hope that clears everything up, although we seriously doubt it.

WHAT EVERY BOY WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR

He wants a Pope Innocent III action figure.

(Thanks to Colin McCluney)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using elves.

(Thanks to Michael Brown)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this alert motorist.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHY THE HELL NOT?

Kinky Friedman for governor.

(Thanks to Gabe Weintraub and John Stoner)

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE ON TRIAL IN WAYNE COUNTY, NORTH CAROLINA

Your jurors are going to be in a bad mood.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

PSSST... WANT TO TALK DIRTY TO AN INJURED MANATEE?

Or something like that. The important thing is, it's toll-free.

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)

ALERT READERS WANT TO KNOW

...if this Mike Zlotnick is the Mike Zlotnick.

(Thanks to Karen Eutsler Little)

For the record: This blog does not know the answer. (To this, or anything else.)

NOTHING SAYS "EAT MY AORTA"

...like an anatomocally correct chocolate heart.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

WHEN WOMEN OF THE FEMALE GENDER ASK THIS BLOG WHAT IS THE SECRET TO FINDING TRUE HAPPINESS DESPITE MAJOR LIFE OBSTACLES

...this blog answers: fake hair color.

(Thanks to Brooke)

EMAIL OF THE DAY

Dear Portal Administration! I have recently come across your site and liked it very much. I suppose that the visitors of our resources belong to the same social group and my site could be useful for your� audience so I suggest to exchange our links. This will help both of us to increase Link-Popularity and accordingly get top positions in many searching system, Google for instance. If you are interested in our offer, would you please visit the web-page of our resource and leave the link to your site. Our site is http://www.egypt-online-travel.com/?id=links - it's dedicated to tourism to Egypt Yours sincerely, Administration

OK, everybody who is visiting these resources and belongs to this Portal Administration's social group: Go to Egypt! Thank you.

WHY GUYS SHOULD NOT COOK

Bad things can happen.

(Thanks to Marianne Roeder)

WARNING

If you drink, don't judge.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick and Jason Easterday)

SO NOW THAT THANKSGIVING IS OVER

...this blog wants you to feel better about your body.

(Thanks to Patrick Watkins)

HIGH TECH MEDICAL WEBSITE OF THE DAY

This site could totally revolutionize the way abdominal surgeons waste their time.

(Thanks to May Breen)

ATTENTION, WAL-MART SHOPPERS

Look down, and don't forget to duck.

(Thanks to Rex Hammock)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Rain of Maggots

Key quote: "Day heard a little 'boop' besides his desk and looked at the floor..."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WHY YOU ARE ADVISED TO ALWAYS CARRY A BAG OF MUD MUSSELS

Because you never know.

(Thanks to Ed "Held Danger" Dahlgren)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using Segways.

(Thanks to Bead Buset and Gordon)

WHEN YOU'RE TALKIN' FUN SPORTS

....you're talkin' weightlifting.

(Thanks to many people)

SIGNING OFF

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Enjoy your turkey or tofurkey or turducken or turkey-flavored beverage. Remember all the things we have to be thankful for.

EWAN McGREGOR PENIS UPDATE

Ewan explains where you can see it.

(Thanks to David Tong)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they are using houses.

(Thanks to Jim O'Reilly)

SERIOUS STORY

This is very sad and in no way amusing.

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

ATTENTION, WOMEN

Science needs you.

Kay quote: ""I thought people would be beating my door down..."

(Thanks to John Dodds and ruach13 and Steve Szydlowski)

MUSIC TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE TURKEY

This is what they play in Britain. We tried a different genre, but there were too many suicides.

(Thanks to Lord G.)

IF YOU WOULD RATHER NOT CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT A DISGUSTING CREATURE COULD BE LIVING IN YOUR NOSE

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Penny McCrea)

ATTENTION, INVESTORS

Keep a close eye on the market.

(Thanks to Richard Carey)

EMPLOYER OF THE YEAR

Let's all give thanks to the generous management of Air Canada.

(Thanks to Alyssa Harley)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using grapes.

(Thanks to Tony Bastarache)

OK

This is a complete waste of your time.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

YOU'RE NOT REALLY WORKING TODAY ANYWAY

So you might as well enhance your productivity with this application.

(Thanks to Marion McAvoy)

FRENCH FIREPERSONS UPDATE

Who designed their uniforms, George Lucas?
-- Martha "Harmed Harlot" Herold

WHY THIS IS THE GREATEST DANGED NATION ON THE WHOLE DANGED EARTH

Because we do things right.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

HOW WE PREPARE FOR THANKSGIVING

We watch this, which is old, but still deeply moving.

(Thanks to Louis in Tulsa)

UPDATE FROM FRANCE

French firepersons on the job.

(Thanks to John Dodds)

UNFORTUNATE HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

This is an innocent mistake, right? Right?

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

LOS ANGELES COUNTY, HAVING APPARENTLY ELIMINATED ALL ITS OTHER PROBLEMS

...turns its attention to offensive computer terminology.

(Thanks to many people)

WHAT GUYS LIKE TO DO INSTEAD OF THINKING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

Stuff like this.

(Thanks to Chris Miller)

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

Because it allows us to do this.

(Thanks to Jared "Idler Can Jam" McLain)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using chocolate Santas.

(Thanks to Steve Richardson)

THE NEWS FROM UPPER SKAGIT

...where the men are men, and the librarians are kinky.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

Matt Wedick writes: "I just came to the conclusion that Clay Aiken is in fact Barry Manilow (3rd picture down) with spiked hair."

SEASON'S GREETINGS!

Time for.... the snowglobe from hell.

(Thanks to Tim Ledford)

OH, SURE, THIS WILL BE EFFECTIVE

New York State mandates registration of beer kegs.

(Thanks to Howard Hinnant, who notes that the law requires that "if you buy a keg of beer -- 15.5 gallons -- you must consume it within 30 days! Do the math. That's nearly a 6-pack of beer a day! What a sweet deal for the beer distributers here. My guess is that Coke and Pepsi will want in on this deal too pretty soon.")

ATTENTION ALGERIANS

Just say no to "beef."

(Thanks to Timothy "Mothy Gent Unit" Nugent)

TROUBLE IN GREENVILLE

It's the Leaf Blower Wars.

(Thanks to Micahel Ester)

ANOTHER GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The 17-Million-Year-Old Hamsters

(Thanks to Corinne Marasco)

CRIMINALS IN TACOMA: EVEN DUMBER THAN THE KLAN?

We report; you worry about the gene pool.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)