Dave Barry's Blog

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this motorist.

(Thanks to Kellye Fry)

WELL, DUH

What did they think a giant pumpkin would want? Chardonnay?

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

BOTTOM LINE UPDATE

The Bottom Line’s fight is not yet over. As you may have heard, Bruce Springsteen and Mel Karmazin made significant contributions, along with Sirius Satellite Radio, to help save the club.

Unfortunately, The Bottom Line needs more money to negotiate with NYU and secure a new lease. It is a dire situation and to add insult to injury, NYU is asking for a 250% rent increase and demanding costly renovations. The Bottom Line has only managed to raise one third of the money it needs. It is imperative to get this money for The Bottom Line’s survival.

In his impassioned closing argument, The Bottom Line’s attorney Mark Alonso spoke for all of us when he asked the judge for a little more time before she made her ruling. Judge Recant asked,

“What would be the difference in making the decision today versus next week?”

“I need to raise the money to properly negotiate a lease with NYU,” Alonso replied. “Your Honor, I am a cynic and not a romantic, but this club is a special place, loved by millions of people, and I can see music fans around the world rallying to save it. We just need the time.”

If each of us comes forward and contributes what we can, we will save this venerated club. Just as in “It’s a Wonderful Life” when the town comes together to save George Bailey, we can come together to save The Bottom Line.

We need to act fast! Please contribute whatever you can, but contribute.

Please send a check or money order made out to “Save The Bottom Line”. Mail it to:

Save The Bottom Line
15 W. 4th Street
New York, NY 10012

Or you can contribute through PayPal at http://www.savethebottomline.com

Help by distributing this message to everyone you know and ask them to pass it on to everyone they know to keep the message circulating. We need to get momentum. The clock is ticking. The judge’s ruling may only be a week away. Please help.

Thank you,
-- Friends of The Bottom Line

FLORIDA MOTORIST UPDATE

We are frankly surprised that anybody even noticed this motorist.

(Thanks to Dan Sauberlich)

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

This is weirdly soothing.

(Thanks to Sean McGee)

HAR!

There are no Halloween hijinks like United States Senate Halloween hijinks.

(Thanks to Nicole "Clown Nite" TWN)

EXCELLENT HALLOWEEN STORIES

Including "The Cursed Bean," from the fine, twisted minds at Something Awful.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

You weren't going to get much done today, anyway

(Thanks to Nelson Hickman)

ATTENTION, PERVERTS

Do not mess with South Philly girls.

(Thanks to Dave Paul and Emily Anna "A Hymenal Mint Is" Smith)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Finally, the authorities are cracking down on these criminals who fail to plant mums.

(Thanks to Ryan McKeon)

FIVE-LEGGED DOG MAY BE REDUCED TO FOUR

Key quote: "When she heard of the animal, Dr. Rebecca Tudor, a veterinary surgeon affiliated with N.C. State University, was stumped."

(Thanks to Mark "Rank A Warm Loan" Alan Rowan)

UPDATE: Alert reader Garret Wood, who, unlike this blog, actually reads the stories linked to on this blog, points out that the plan is to reduce the total number of legs possessed by this dog, "Popcorn," from five to three.

GOOD POINT

Have you noticed that the last few people to kindly include anagrams for their names have tried to be rather raunchy with them? Ed "Hard Legend" Dahlgren Mark "Anal Wank Armor" Alan Rowan Dave "Cavies Turd" Curtis Is must just be human nature to rearrange their name to the lowest common denominator. -- Karen "Harem Stink" Smith

I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW

New York's transit system descends into anarchy when a man drops his cell phone into the worst possible place.

Key quote: "...firefighters used no less than three sets of power tools, including the jaws of life, to cut through the toilet..."

(Thanks to Susan Brown)

ALARMING CANADIAN UPDATE

Things are going very, very wrong up there.

(Thanks to Robert Coller)

WHAT YOU SHOULD BE FOR HALLOWEEN

You should be a vampire squid.

(Thanks to Emily Anna Smith)

WHO SAYS THE AIRLINES ARE CUTTING BACK?

Look at the inflight snacks they have on Avianca.

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

What, you're saying just because people have no feet, or are dead, they don't have a right to a podiatrist?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

WHEN SANDWICHES ARE OUTLAWED

...only elderly Florida women will have sandwiches.

(Thanks to a great many people)

MORE EXCELLENT HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

Check out these beauties, especially the very attractive rendition of Miss Lucille Ball.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WHY WE NEED THE DEATH PENALTY

Because that is the only way to deter criminals such as this.

(Thanks to Alyssa Harley)

ADVISORY

Do not attempt this at home, unless you wish to wind up looking like this.

(Thanks to JJ Meyerson)

A NUMBER OF PEOPLE HAVE POINTED THIS OUT ABOUT THE EBAY PULSED PLASMA MOBILE HYDROGEN GENERATOR UPDATE

Those last cheap items were just COPIES of the patent.� The big money auction is for the RIGHTS to the patent.

So it looks like it's a steal at 95 million dollars.

ANOTHER REASON WHY WE LOVE AUSTRALIANS

They wire their balls.

(Thanks to Rick Newman)

EBAY PULSED PLASMA MOBILE HYDROGEN GENERATOR UPDATE

If you look at the seller's last three auctions, the Pulsed Plasma Mobile Hydrogen Generator went for $16.50, $20.00, and $14.99.� I guess he thinks demand has gone up. -- Ryan "My Neon Rack" McKeon

THOSE FASCIST BASTARDS

Now they want to take away our fundamental right to keep rattlesnakes in freezers.

(Thanks to Ryan McKeon)

DANG

We paid full retail price for a Pulsed Plasma Mobile Hydrogen Generator, then we find one going for for only 95 million dollars on eBay.

(Thanks to Bob Phillips)

OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

Dave, don't you just fricking well hate it when you accidentally click the right mouse-button on the copter game just as you're about to beat your own high score, causing that fricking popup menu to appear and sending the fricking helicopter crashing into the fricking cave wall for the umpteemth fricking time? I know I fricking well do. -- Dougie Henderson.

This fricking blog knows exactly what you are fricking talking about.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using exploding computers.

(Thanks to Ed "Hard Legend" Dahlgren)

WHEN EMUS GO BAD

In Miami, this animal would have fit right in.

Key quote: "They can run up to 40 mph and deliver lethal blows with their feet."

(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THE NEWS CANNOT GET ANY WORSE

You read a headline like this.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

HALLOWEEN IS HERE, AND THAT MEANS...

It's Punkin Chunkin time!

Key quote: "It's something to do."

(Thanks to 38 million people)

NOW IT ALL BECOMES CLEAR

The Nigerians are actually Australian.

(Thanks to Dylan Kissane)

SO THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH NEW JERSEY

Not enough goats.

(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)

WHY THE CIA IS SO GOOD AT FINDING STUFF OUT

"Please speak directly into the dragonfly."

(Thanks to Mark "Anal Wank Armor" Alan Rowan)

ATTENTION, AIRLINE PASSENGERS

Please leave your hands at home. Thank you.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

WE WONDER IF THIS IS WHY WE KEEP HAVING TO BUY MORE BEER

Maybe there's somebody in the attic.

Key quote: "He noticed the cereal was running low and he couldn't understand."

(Thanks to Robert Coller)

OUTRAGE

An Australian judge dismisses the lawsuit of a man injured while attempting to open a beer.

Key quote:"How much tuition does an ordinary Australian need in how to open a bottle of beer?"

(Thanks to Corn1ell)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using corpses.

(Thanks to many people)

WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

Peter Jennings and Yoko Ono, together inside a giant black bag, undressing.

(Thanks to Mark Gregory)

EXCELLENT HALLOWEEN CONCEPT

Billionaire masks. We especially like the Donald Trump model.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

URINAL PENNY UPDATE

I was going to try the urinal penny test at my work but I had no penny -- not even any worthless Canadian currency -- but fortunately someone had dropped one in the bathroom drain.� It took a while but I managed to fish it out, wipe it off on my tie and place it (heads up, for luck) on the urinal. I'll let you know if anyone is gross enough to take it. -- Dave "Cavies Turd" Curtis

Yes, keep us posted.

TORNADO FIGHTERS UPDATE: NOW WE ARE TALKING

An even MORE practical approach would be to set up decoy trailer parks on Capitol Hill. -- Mike DeCleene

TORNADO FIGHTERS UPDATE

A more practical approach would be to set up decoy trailer parks in uninhabited areas to lure the tornadoes away from populated areas. -- Ernie Gudath

SOUTH DAKOTA ELECTED OFFICIALS: ON CRACK?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Ted Severson)

ATTENTION, ROTTWEILERS

Do not mess with Minnesota women.

Key quote: "I yelled, 'Here, llamas!'"

(Thanks to Steve McGookin)

TORNADO FIGHTERS UPDATE

If anyone has any doubts as to whether or not this man’s technique will work, they should view the demo – obviously he’s completed some serious, scientific testing, and documented it on his demo. -- Steve Lancaster

APOLOGY

Yesterday this blog had a snarky link to this work of art by Jason Salavon, who made composite portraits by averaging all the Playboy centerfolds for four decades. This seemed kind of a waste to this blog, because theoretically you're looking at all these naked women, but you can't actually see anything. So anyway, this blog got an email, actually several emails, from Jason Salavon, pointing out, politely, that this blog does not know squat about him or what he does, which is true, and since he seems to be a stand-up guy, standing up, this blog apologizes to him, and also envies him because he gets to look at zillions of Playboy centerfolds as a job.

WE SEE NO REASON WHY THIS WOULD NOT WORK

An idea whose time has come: Tornado Fighters.

(Thanks to Vanessa Myers)

ATTENTION, MEN OF THE MALE GENDER

Next time you need to travel, you might want to take a train.

(Thanks to Dave Paul)

A FUN AND PRACTICAL GIFT IDEA FOR DAD

This year, give him porno pants.

(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick, who apparently does nothing but scour the web for articles like this)