Dave Barry's Blog

ATTENTION, ADVENTURE-LOVERS

Fly Skyhigh.

(Thanks to Claire Martin and David Brien)

MAGGOTS MAKING ART

I say we give them a large federal grant.

(Thanks to Chris Miller)

WHY THIS BLOG SUPPORTS THE DEATH PENALTY

Because, darn it, some cases demand it.

(Thanks to many concerned people)

THAT WAS NO "STUNT"

That was a Florida motorist.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)

IS THERE A SAUDI EXPRESSION EQUIVALENT TO "CUTTING OFF YOUR NOSE TO SPITE YOUR FACE"?

Because if so, this guy is going to be hearing it.

(Thanks to Dan Postma)

WHAT SWITZERLAND HAS BEEN WORKING ON

It has been working on improving the spaghetti plate.

(Thanks to Lisa White)

ATTENTION, KIDS

Here's a fun site from some fun people.

(Thanks to Pat McKenna)

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Today I am flogging in Seattle. Tonight at 7 I'll be at Third Place Books in Lake Forest Park. Presumably there will be nobody there who's running for governor of California. Although you never know.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using mice.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Big Ripley and the One-Eyed Frogs

(Thanks to Leslie Soules)

TERRORISM UPDATE

This time the bastards have gone too far.

(Thanks to Alyssa Harley)

FORGET THE SO-CALLED "INTERNET"

Your truly "high tech" individual is now communicating via Trouser Semaphore.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)

TREK THUNDER KELLY UPDATE

Of course he has a website.

(Thanks to Joe Pignatiello)

GUY SAFETY ADVISORY

Do not discuss certain topics while operating trains.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Today I will be flogging around San Francisco (a lot of flogging goes on in San Francisco) and tonight I'll be at Book Passage in Corte Madera at 7. No word yet on whether Trek Thunder Kelly will attend.

CALIFORNIA GUBERNATORIALHOOD UPDATE

At the booksiging at Kepler's in Menlo Park last night -- and thanks to the folks who came -- an alert Californian named Shannon handed me a list of statements supplied by candidates for governor. One of the candidates, running as an independent, is "Trek Thunder Kelly." Here is Trek Thunder Kelly's statement:

Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize drugs, gambling and prostitution so they may be taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize the deficit, education and the environment. I believe in peaceful resolutions backed by a strong military; I don't care who you marry or have sex with.

And people say there are no serious candidates.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Pudding Throwers

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)

WAIT A MINUTE! HOW COME THE DOLLAR IS ON THE BOTTOM?

Russians produce currency porno.

(Thanks to Dave Paul)

FINALLY

A practical alternative to calling Technical Support.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

And we're sure somebody on your list would love to receive the story of Nikola Tesla told entirely in Morse code.

(Thanks to Lane Closure)

ATTENTION, DECEASED PEOPLE

A friend and I were discussing how she could obtain a relative's death certificate. I suggested she try contacting the county in which the death was registered and ordering a certificate from them. To test my theory, I checked the website for Multnomah County, Oregon (link below) where I found this puzzling statement: "... If you need a certified copy of your death certificate, you should contact the Certification Unit of the Oregon Center for Health Statistics. " http://www.co.multnomah.or.us/dbcs/FREDS/records/reference.shtml Emily Rampton Portland, Oregon

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Thanks to everybody who came out to Books and Books in Coral Gables last night; there was a nice turnout, and only limited shooting. Today I'm traveling to (why not?) California, and will be flogging my book at 5 p.m. tonight at Kepler's in Menlo Park. I assume that there will also be California gubernatorial candidates on hand, in case anybody needs to hear their views on anything.

EXCITING NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF MARINE BIOLOGY

We will all sleep better, knowing this.

(Thanks to many concerned people)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using pigeons.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)

BRA BALL ADVISORY

Dave: I am writing in regard�to an article you posted on your blog this morning.� I went to the Bra Ball website that was posted yesterday and read all about Emily Duffy's bra ball.� After reading the Bra Ball article that you posted this morning, I wanted to�learn more�about Ron Nicolino's bra ball, in an effort to remain "fair and balanced" on the whole bra ball issue.� Therefore, I clicked on the link at the bottom of the article,�and oh,�what a surprise!� Let me just say that Mr. Nicolino certainly has an interesting project going.� Perhaps he uses the bras of the women pictured after they rip them off in a frenzy of passion? Anyway, just thought I'd warn my fellow readers about the porn link. Beth S.

Thank you, Beth S. This blog assumes your fellow readers will govern themselves accordingly.

BIG DEAL

This has happened to us hundreds of times.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)

ATTENTION, K-MART HALLOWEEN SHOPPERS

You need this.

As you admire the photo, ask yourself: Where do the batteries go?

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT

Interesting Realtor name.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

I'm home for one day and flogging my book tonight at 8 at my excellent local Coral Gables bookstore, Books and Books, where they sell books and beer, so there is really no reason to ever leave.

THIS IS VERY BAD, WE THINK

The World Conker Championships are in jeopardy.

(Thanks to David Smith)

BRA BALL UPDATE

It turns out there are two of them (bra balls, that is), and there is, needless to say, a legal controversy.

(Thanks to Kathryn Andrews)

ATTENTION, WAIKATO RESIDENTS

Be alert for mystery flying muck.

(Thanks to Daniel Koning, who also submitted some explicit plant porno)

HOW A GUY TREATS BEAR BITES

A guy uses duct tape.

(Thanks to nine skillion people)

HALLOWEEN UPDATE

Here's a fun costume idea for the kids.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

ATTENTION, RESTAURANTS SERVING IOWANS

Do not offer them all they can eat.

(Thanks to Kelli Kirkle)

THERE ARE ACCIDENTS...

...and then there are tragedies.

(Thanks to Michael Ester)

ANNOYING STUNT MAGICIAN DAVID BLAINE UPDATE

It is getting ugly.

Key quote: "A 28-year-old man was arrested for being in possession of a catapult"

(Thanks to Andy Freeman)

In a related development brought to this blog's attention by Christina Stephens, somebody has developed a very tasteless and bad and wrong game that this blog would not consider linking to.

STOP THE PRESSES!

They have solved the mystery of the Kokomo Hum.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for: Snakes In Action

MORE BRASSIERES MAKING NEWS

They're hanging from the trees in Michigan.

(Thanks to many people)

NOW THIS IS WHAT THIS BLOG CALLS ART

Presenting: The Bra Ball.

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)

FURTHER EVIDENCE THAT SCIENTISTS ARE INSANE

They have decided that what we need is: more rats.

(Thanks to Nate West)

HEADLINES-IN-MY-PANTS UPDATE

"Yahoo Launches New Search Engine In My Pants" (Paul G) "45 Passengers Reportedly OK After Accident In My Pants" (Amy Snively) "Sonics Take It To The Hole In My Pants" (Colin McCluney) "Suit Says Protesters Kept Away From Bush In My Pants" (Michelle Megret) "I hate to tell you this, but David Letterman wore out that gag months ago." (Bill Crider)

Dang.

FURTHER PROOF THAT SCIENTISTS ARE INSANE

They want to make a giant squid sex video.

Key quote: "The freezer bag at home - to my wife's disgust - is actually full of giant squid gonad samples."

(Thanks to Megan Zelinsky)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using rabbits.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)

ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION

Be honest: Do you actually care who the next governor of California is? Do you even care if California has a governor?

Neither does this blog. Thank you.

BOOK TOUR ADVISORY

I am flogging in Chicago today and will appear tonight at 7 at Anderson's Bookshop in Naperville, Illinois. I will be the one with the giant hollow spaces where normal people have eyes.

TELEMARKETER UPDATE

This blog is aware that there are new developments in the telemarketers story. This blog will monitor the situation and take action in the form of a column that will no doubt be wildly out of date when it actually appears maybe two weeks from now. Thank you for your patience. Your call IS important to this blog.

BOOK TOUR ADVISORY

I am flogging my book today in Washington, D.C. Tonight I'll be at Olsson's Books in Arlington, Va., at 7. I'll be sleeping on the floor, but, dammit, I'll be there.

JUST A THOUGHT

How about we put this judge in charge of the California recall election?

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)

ROMANCE UPDATE

Your dunghill, or mine?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)