Dave Barry's Blog

GOOD POINT

Dave -- I saw the item on the French officials blowing up the puff pastry. Are we sure they thought it was a bomb? Maybe they just don't like foreign pastries. After all, they are French. Tom (but you can call me Tom)

IF IT TURNS OUT THAT THE SUPREME BEING IS ACTUALLY A DOG

The people who did this are all going to hell.

(Thanks again to Theresa Hogue)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using puff pastry.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

URGENT "PHIL THE SORE" UPDATE

Hi Dave, I just thought I'd point out that the similarities between the Phil the Sore and this are, for lack of a better term, disturbing.... Alan Josephson

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO MIGHT BE OFFENDED IF THEY SAW A GUY DRESSED UP AS A GIANT MALE ORGAN BEING CONFRONTED BY A GUY DRESSED UP AS A GIANT VENEREAL-DISEASE SORE, EVEN IF THEY ARE DOING THIS FOR SOUND EDUCATIONAL REASONS

Do not read any further. Everybody else should go here and click on the part that says "SEE PICTURES of Healthy Penis and Phil the Sore!"

(Thanks to "Lane Closure")

CRIME UPDATE

This must be what they mean by "hard time."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

SPEAKING OF UNDERWEAR...

...this sounds painful.

(Thanks to Brian O'Shea)

ANCIENT MALE UNDERGARMENTS

These must have been uncomfortable, being stone and all.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

Here's a time-management application that is extremely popular with cubicle-dwelling office professionals who have their speakers turned up to maximum.

(Thanks to Mac O'Roni)

WHY WE NEED EXPERTS

Experts (not the same as the expert cited below) claim that bagpiping can cause hearing loss and alcoholism.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LISTENERS?

A bagpipe expert says bagpipes are not hazardous to bagpipers.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

PETA ALERT

This is very, very wrong. Also, hard.

(Thanks to Bob Phillips)

READERS COMMENT THOUGHTFULLY ON THE "SACFREE" BRAND WEIRD MALE-UNDERGARMENT CONCEPT

Just had one observation about the Sacfree post ... well, two if you count, "No way I'd ever buy or wear those." The observation is: Guys' underwear with holes in them? What's the big deal about that? Don't most of the underwear a guy owns have holes, indicating he's had them a long time and considers them a loyal, hardwOrking part of his wardrobe, not to be discarded? Is this supposed to be some kind of big innovation? Now, if they marketed them as "pre-holed underwear," and pitched the convenience of not having to wait to wear holes in them, that might be something. -- John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur (Co-inventor of Talk Like a Pirate Day, coming Sept. 19)

Upon close inspection of the “sacfree” site, it has been concluded that a slogan is needed for this particular type of undergarment – perhaps “Unbundle your Grundle?”
-- Laura Murphy

HERE THEY ARE

Veronica Vandoloski emails that she has located the lobsters.

THIS IS THE LAST DAMN STRAW

Now they want to take away our fundamental constitutional right to own 26 venomous snakes and get repeatedly bitten.

BRITAIN GETS TOUGH

This ought to stop those pesky terrorists.

(Thanks again to Penny McCrea)

MAYBE YOU CAN CLAIM IT AS A TAX DEDUCTION

Your close relative, the worm.

(Thanks to Penny McCrea)

WHAT A MAN NEEDS

A man needs freedom.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

LOBSTER ESCAPE: AN EXPERT THEORY

When I was in high school, I had a class where every Friday we'd go and test the purity of a local river.� We spent the vast majority of the time fooling around, of course, and we always caught lots of crayfish that the teacher let us bring back and put in the classroom's aquarium.� We had to catch more and more every week because they kept escaping; every two or three days there would be an intrepid escapee, coated in dust, making its way down the hallway trying to get out.� Since crayfish are much smaller than lobsters and our classroom's tank was about the same depth as the display tanks the lobsters go in supermarkets, I have no doubt that they could have broken out. Alex Hovanes

FURTHER PROOF THAT SCIENTISTS ARE INSANE

University slime-swimming.

(Thanks to Doug Boeringer)

ADVISORY

I just want to let you know, the page with the lobster magnet has two links, one that links to more funny videos, like bill gates getting pied and a man getting bit in the nuts by a cat, and a link that contains disgusting pornography.� I thought you might want to warn people of this. chris cherry

OK, but the last time this blog warned people about this kind of thing, everybody went racing back to look for the pornography.

THOSE WACKY NORWEGIANS

Always partying.

(Thanks to many people)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using mystery plants.

(Thanks to Sangeeta)

ADVISORY TO MOTORISTS ON INTERSTATE 77

Be alert for boaters.

(Thanks to Dan Sauberlich)

LOBSTER UPDATE

Brent Tenisil points out that the missing-lobster mystery (below) may have a simple solution.

CRIME STALKS THE MIDWEST

Lobsters on the lam!

(Thanks to Anne Woenker)

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

And nothing says "Joy to the world!" like a Bottom Buddy.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)

MAYBE ONE OF THE LICENSED CHARACTERS IN TOON LAGOON HAS IT

The deepening mystery of the missing theme-park prosthetic leg.

(Thanks to John Tomkinson)

"COCK A SNOOK" UPDATE

Anna Louise emailed a link to The Word Detective, who states:

To "cock a snook" at someone is a bit more elaborate than simply thumbing one's nose. To "cock a snook" is a classic display of derision, properly performed by spreading the fingers of one hand, touching the tip of your nose with your thumb while sighting your opponent along the tips of your other fingers (what the British sometimes call a "Queen Anne's Fan," but what we more commonly call a "five-finger salute"), and waggling your fingers in the most annoying way possible. As a gesture, it doesn't really mean anything, but it does convey utter contempt rather well. Like all fine insulting gestures, cocking a snook always goes well with a Bronx Cheer, or raspberry, as an accompaniment. Crossing your eyes while doing all this is optional but definitely enhances the overall effect. And remember, kids, practice makes perfect.

BREAKING CONSUMER NEWS

If you are looking -- And who is not? -- for a detailed, thoughtful review of the Toilet Duck brand toilet cleaner, then look no further.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

FUNDAMENTAL CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT UPHELD

If this is outlawed, only outlaws will do it.

(Thanks to Judy Rutherford)

ANOTHER SITE THAT THIS BLOG FINDS TOO TASTELESS TO LINK TO

This is just sick.

(Thanks to David Page)

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

Here is a useful application that not only enchances productivity, but also accurately simulates office life.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Because they have practical ideas.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

BE QUIET, SUCKA

Or face a buttkicking, Dewey-Decimal style.

(Thanks to Rebecca Coffin)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using algae.

(Thanks to seven trillion people)

WHATEVER IT IS, IT SOUNDS ILLEGAL

Caroleanno writes to ask:

The link to the East Berlin airport story led me to another story about Lord Archer. It said "Lord Archer spent his first day of freedom cocking a snook" You wouldn't happen to know what that means would you ? I tried looking it up in my son's slang dictionary but I still don't understand.

BREAKING CAMPAIGN BULLETIN

Benjamin Studtmann writes to say:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
is an anagram for
BORED ADVERTISER PAN-FRY.
Thank you.

You're wlecome.

WHY GUYS SHOULD HAVE THEIR HEARING CHECKED BEFORE THEY GO TO GET THEIR HEARING CHECKED

To avoid unfortunate incidents such as this.

(Thanks to Lord G, and Anna Louise, and Theresa Hogue)

KIDS DO ODD JOBS FOR SPENDING MONEY

We're talking about a seriously odd job.

("Thanks" to Laurie White)

ATTENTION, TRAVELERS IN THE EAST BERLIN AIRPORT

Please do not stomp on the floor.

(Thanks to Benjamin Studtmann)

TERRORISM ALERT

Now the bastards are using whales.

(Thanks to chhicks)

WHY CARMEN ELECTRA IS NOT RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA

She is busy.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, Field Coordinator for the Dave Barry for President Unstoppable Juggernaut of Doom)

WHY GUYS SHOULD SUBSCRIBE TO POPULAR MECHANICS

To avoid mishaps such as this.

(Thanks again to Sangeeta)

TERRIFYING EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

Heads up, men.

(Thanks to Sangeeta)

ASTRONOMY UPDATE

The news media are saying that Mars will not kill you. So there's a good chance that it will.

(Thanks to John Dodds)

ATTENTION, MARTHA STEWART

Here is just the thing.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

URGENT TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using radioactive mud dauber wasps.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

BE PREPARED: START DRINKING RUM NOW

Only one more month until Talk Like a Pirate Day.

LINGERIE UPDATE

"Ooooh, baby I POP whoops... OK, baby I want to POP whoops....

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)