Dave Barry's Blog

HALLOWEEN IS COMING

And you need this.

(Thanks to David Page)

WHY RABBITS ARE PRETTY MUCH ASKING TO GET EATEN

Because this is the best they've got.

(Thanks to Michelle Tourigny)

AMAZING FINANCIAL OPPORTUNITY

This blog has received a very generous email offer from a Nigerian individual wishing to give somebody millions of dollars! He concludes his email as follows:

direct all communication with me through my e-mail:
[email protected],[email protected].
Best regards,
Dr.Julius Chuckwu

Give Dr. Chuck a holler! That is this blog's financial counsel.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using giant lizards.

(Thanks to Benjamn Studtmann)

EDUCATIONAL UPDATE

Benjamin Studtmann states:

As an aggressive and fervent non-parent, I genuinely don't know if I think this is completely brilliant or a sign of a civilization in total collapse.

When in doubt, always go with total collapse.

AD OF THE WEEK

You thought they would never top the original. You were correct.

(Thanks to David Page)

WHY THEY FEAR US

Because we are the baddest nation on earth.

(Thanks to Lisa from Montana)

ART NEWS

When people ask us, "Where can I find quality portraits of semi-famous people executed in the medium of toast?" we always direct them here.

(Thanks to Patrick Keller)

A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The shoe-stealing foxes.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)

HO-HUM

Another brazen terrorist squirrel attack ignored by the so-called "Department" "of" "Homeland" "Security."

(Thanks to Matthew Alfano)

A MEDICAL ISSUE EVERYBODY NEEDS TO THINK MORE ABOUT

Male nipple reduction: Before you do it, get the facts.

(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)

WAR ON CRIME UPDATE

This blog will sleep safer at night, knowing that the authorities are cracking down.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

TELEPHONE-BOOK-ART BLOOPER OF THE WEEK

Whoops.

(Thanks again to Ben Studtmann)

JUST TO NAME ONE BENEFIT, IT'S ALWAYS HOT

Let's all chow down on nuclear meat.

(Thanks to Ben Studtmann)

BUTT CRACKS MAKING THE NEWS

Here's a thoughtful report from Tennessee.

(Thanks to Susan Adcock, who states "Someone¹s basically forcing me to send you this.")

CRIME UPDATE

How many tragic incidents such as this must occur before we pass tough laws regulating the sale and possession of Zingers?

(Thanks to the wondrously named Laura Lopata)

THE DEATH PENALTY IS NOT HARSH ENOUGH

For a crime of this magnitude.

(Thansk to Ruach13)

THOSE BASTARDS

Now they are using parrots.

(Thanks to Vicky Ramage and Eren Brumley)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using deer.

(Thanks to Isabelle Briand)

ANOTHER STORY GUYS SHOULD NOT CLICK ON

This starts to lose credibility when you get to the victim's name.

(Thanks to Claire Martin, and probably many others, but this blog is WAYYYYY behind on the mail because this blog flew to New York today as the lone parent in charge of a 3-year-old, so it could be years before this blog can blog again)

FINANCIAL NEWS FROM SWEDEN

Here's a good argument for online banking.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

PHIL THE SORE UPDATE

Dave, In light of the connection discovered by Alan Josephson between Phil the Sore and the California Raisins, I would also like to point out the distinct similarity between Phil the Sore and this. Dave Brandt

BRIDAL ETIQUETTE Q&A

Q. Who is responsible for assaulting the male stripper?

A.The mother of the bride.

(Thanks to Anna Louise)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using carp.

(Thanks to Gretchen)

PARENTHOOD

Here's a fun mom.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

The good news is, no need to clean the chimney this year.

(Thanks to Bob Holt)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

This won't last long.

(Thanks to Sangeeta, and Alex Hovanes, and Dan Sauberlich, and just about the entire population of the world)

WHAT YOR HOME NEEDS

It needs a Zombie Alert System.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY APPLICATION OF THE DAY, SO FAR

This is so realistic it's almost clinical.

(Thanks to Dave Smith)

THOSE BASTARDS

Now they're using tomatoes.

(Thanks to Jennifer Case)

A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Meat Fraud

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

POSSIBLE INDICATION THAT PEOPLE ARE POSSIBLY NOT HAVING A NORMAL, HEALTHY SEX LIFE

Events such as this.

(Thanks to Laurie White)

WHY THIS NATION WILL ULTIMATELY PREVAIL AGAINST EVIL

We have powerful forces on our side.

(Thanks to Karen Eutsler)

FASCISM UPDATE

Now they want to take away our fundamental constitutional right to lick people's feet.

(Thansk to Keith Cantone)

MANLY GIFT CONCEPT FOR THE MASCULINE MALE MAN

He'll want an extra large.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

TRULY WEIRD PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCEMENT APPLICATION OF THE DAY

Find Smallmen.

(Thanks to Mac O'Roni)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Because guys know how to solve a problem.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

MARK YOUR CALENDAR

It's almost time for the Snake Boat Festival.

SPORTS UPDATE

This must have been an exciting game.

(Thanks to Chris Hyde)

IT'S ABOUT TIME...

...we saw this kind of hard-nosed investigative journalism on the California gubernatorial race.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

USEFUL INFORMATIONAL RESOURCE

When people ask me, "Dave. where can I find an internet site that explains the important issues of the day in terms that the average layperson can understand?" I direct them here.

(Thanks to Tedi Trindle)

FEELING POORLY?

Ask your doctor about lizard spit.

(Thanks to J. Stephen Clayton)

BE ON THE (BURP) LOOKOUT

1,800 Krispy Kreme doughnuts remain at large.

(Thanks to Michael Ester)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE VISITING HERE FROM GENE WEINGARTEN'S CHAT ON THE WASHINGTON POST SITE

What you are looking for was posted yesterday, under the heading "ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO MIGHT BE OFFENDED IF THEY SAW A GUY DRESSED UP AS A GIANT MALE ORGAN BEING CONFRONTED BY A GUY DRESSED UP AS A GIANT VENEREAL-DISEASE SORE, EVEN IF THEY ARE DOING THIS FOR SOUND EDUCATIONAL REASONS"

NEW JERSEY: EVEN LESS TO DO THAN WALES?

We report, you decide.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)

TERRORISM UPDATE UPDATE

Now the bastards are using Mars.

(Thanks to John Dodds)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using promotional videos featuring lions.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)

ATTENTION, TENNESSEE-BASED CHICKENS

Look out.

ATTENTION, VISITORS TO MOSCOW

You are getting sleepy.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

WALES: A PLACE WITH VERY LITTLE TO DO?

We report, you decide.

(Thanks to Ben Studtmann)