WHOOPS
"Hey, dear, thanks for making lemonade!"
"I didn't make any lemonade..."
(Thanks to Leslie Paul Davies)
« June 2003 | Main | August 2003 »
July 31, 2003
JUST BECAUSE THIS BLOG LIVES IN MIAMI AND IS MARRIED TO A UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI GRADUATE...
...does not mean that this blog would ever suggest that the University of Florida is stupid.
(Thanks to Paul Levine)
ANOTHER GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
...is "Abnormal Frog and the Area Waters."
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using poisonous monsoon toads, which would be a good name for a rock band.
WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?
Wild Norwegian bedroom action.
(Thanks to Catherine Conner)
IF YOU THOUGHT YOUR ADOLESCENCE WAS DIFFICULT...
...imagine being Fly Boy.
(Thanks to Adam Roach)
TODAY SHOW UPDATE
This blog thought it went darned well, thanks to heroic efforts on the part of the heroic Today Show makeup staff to subdue this blog's hair.
And it really is a terrific book.
July 30, 2003
THIS BLOG IS BACK!
It was a great vacation. Very relaxing. Because it was in Idaho. Yes: Idaho. Nobody ever honks in Idaho. Even if you want to honk, you can't. You press on the horn button, and the car just goes (languidly): "Oh, lighten up."
During the vacation this blog received roughly 200,000 emails, which this blog promises to, as soon as feasibly possible, delete. But thanks!
Right now this blog is en route (literally, "going") to New York City to appear on the Today Show tomorrow (Thursday) morning, to promote a book that this blog did not even write. That is how devoted to literacy this blog is. Tune it at roughly 8:30ish Eastern Clock Time to see the segment, which will feature a blue blazer.
WAR ON TERRORISM UPDATE
At the Miami International Airport and Drug Smuggling Facility, there are video monitors at the security checkpoints, showing you, with words and pictures, what you cannot take on the airplane. One of prohibited items is gunpowder. There's a picture of a wooden barrel, and the word "GUNPOWDER." No doubt this tough new rule has ruined many a family vacation for people who, naturally, thought they could take a powder keg through airport security ("Any laptop computers in that powder keg, sir? No? OK, put 'er through!").
You have to wonder what kind of John Ashcroft fascist police state are we living in.
July 27, 2003
THOSE SNEAKY BASTARDS
...at poetry.com have gone and legitimized the Freemont Project.
(Thanks for the alert to John Jewitt)
July 25, 2003
IT'S A GOOD THING THIS BLOG IS ON VACATION
...and thus is unable to link to a truly tasteless dog-eats-toes story such as this.
July 18, 2003
POETRY PROJECT UPDATE
The poetry.com site now has more than 500 poems by people coincidentally named Freemont concerning the consumption of mother's toes by the dog. Some of these poems are genuinely alarming. This blog is SO very proud of you all. Just think: If you were to take all that energy, creativity and talent, and apply it to something truly useful -- something that would benefit humankind -- this blog would be very disappointed.
And now for our:
VACATION REPORT
There is no vacation report. That's why it's called a "vacation." Thank you.
July 13, 2003
POETRY PROJECT UPDATE
You people are unbalanced. This blog admires that.
VACATION ADVISORY AND PROJECT ANNOUNCEMENT
For the next two weeks, this blog will be on vacation in a large rural western state that might not even have electricity, let alone the Internet. So there will be no blogging, or at most very little, until approximately August.
MEANWHILE, however, this blog has a little project to amuse anybody who is interested, involving a wonderful site called www.poetry.com, which was brought to this blog's attention by alert reader Laura Stark. Aspiring poets can go there and submit poems in the poetry contest, and maybe even -- incredibly -- have their poems selected for inclusion in heirloom-quality-bound volumes that are -- What are the odds of this? -- for sale!
So anyway, this blog was just thinking how interesting it would be if a whole bunch of people submitted poems that contained a certain key poetic phrase. To see how it might work, this blog submitted a poem under the pen name of "Freemont A. Harkins," entitled: "A Sad Day." Here's how it goes:
A Sad Dayi am sad, so very sad
the tears run down my nose
it was a happy day until
the dog ate mother's toes
You can see this poem at www.poetry.com, using the search engine to search for "Freemont Harkins." Wouldn't it be fun if a lot of people submitted poems using a Pen Name that began with "Freemont" and incorporating the phrase, "the dog ate mother's toes"? Then we all could search for poems written under the first name of "Freemont" -- currently, this blog is the only one -- and see how creative everybody was!
Or would that be wrong?
Anyway, see you in August.
Love,
Freemont A. Harkins
July 12, 2003
CONTROVERSY ERUPTS
Dave, After countless pokings of the penguin and the bunny on and off to try and figure out which was ultimately more entertaining, I discovered something fascinating : If you poke the penguin really hard and really fast for 15 seconds he gets pissed and hits you with a mallet. If you poke the bunny really hard and really fast for 15 seconds he gets pissed and bites your finger. Totally separate concepts it seems. I doubt they're related in any way. The ripoff claim has no basis. John
THIS BLOG STANDS CORRECTED
Dave: I think you should be aware that "Poke the Penguin" is a blatant ripoff of "Poke the Bunny," which has been around for far longer. Like since the beginning of the internet. No really. Well, a really long time. ;) Kris Host
BEATS THE HELL OUT OF THIS BLOG
Dave - Today on my way home from work the song "Kodachrome" by Paul Simon came on, which made me think - why would Paul worry that his momma would take his Kodachrome away? Just wondering Mark
MEDICAL UPDATE
The good news is, this experimental drug may improve men's sex lives. The bad news is, when they're done, their sex partners will eat them.
(Thanks to Keith Mathison)
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now they're using rats, the rat bastards.
(Thanks to Ben and Mike Zlotnick)
IF HE HAD HIS LIVER AND HIS SPLEEN, HE COULD JUGGLE
A boy tosses his heart around.
(Thanks to John Dodds)
CRAZY IN THE PANHANDLE
This headline reminds this blog of the Sixties.
(Thanks to Doug Boeringer)
A PERSON WITH A LOT OF SPARE TIME
...might do something like this.
(Thanks to Sarah Engel)
July 11, 2003
ARTS UPDATE
For this blog's money, there is nothing that sends a person whistling happily into the night like a romantic musical comedy.
(Thanks to Mark lowercase d.)
PIRATE TECHNOLOGY UPDATE
(Thanks to Chris Miller)
"NIPPIT"-BRAND FEMININE NIPPLE COVERING PRODUCT UPDATE
The Japanese beat us to it.
(Thanks to many people)
A GUY WITH PRIORITIES
Hi Dave, I know that the Copter Game is all the rage on your blog, however, the Defend Your Castle game has managed to take up much, much, much more of my time. I devised a strategy of converting as many people as possible and only buying the Mana Pool - so far I have completed Stage 48, killed over 45,000 stick people, scored 9,190,160 points, and fortified my castle walls to 1,176,800. There is no end in site and the stick people are relentless. Since you can save your game, it is something that can be played day and night, nonstop (with the help of caffeine). My wife has begun divorce proceedings. I don't seem to care, just as long as I can still play the Defend Your Castle game. THE STICK PEOPLE ARMY MUST BE STOPPED! Do you know if there is a support group available? I may need professional help to cure this new addiction. Thanks, Justin Thompson Phoenix, Arizona
CANADIAN GOVERNMENT PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE
Just thought I'd let you know how far we've taken this Copter game "obsession". I introduced the game to the rest of my co-workers (government agency in Canada), and now everyone can't seem to get enough. Every day, about ten of us play a 5-min copter tournament from 3:55pm to 4:00pm, with the winner (highest score in the 5 minutes) claiming rights to the COPTER CHAMPIONSHIP BELT (please see attached image) which was designed by my co-worker, Kevin Black. Right now, the belt is being proudly displayed in my cubicle (personal best score: 2820). Anyway, thought you might be interested in this example of workplace UNproductivity at its best. Mark Rogers. Ottawa, Ontario
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF TASTELESS, JUVENILE SITE THIS BLOG IS TOO CLASSY TO LINK TO
...can be found here.
(Thanks to Betsy Sundquist)
WHAT GUYS WANT
They want a hat like this.
(Thanks to Lynn Moyers and Scott Kiekbusch)
CRIMESTOPPERS IN ACTION
This blog feels much safer after reading this.
(Thanks to L. Muller)
WHICH BLOG IS YOUR DADDY?
ONE REASON WHY PEOPLE MAY PREFER TO PEE ON THE CHICKEN
There could be a python in the toilet.
(Thanks to John Dodds)
A GIANT LEAP FOR WOMANKIND
Presenting: The Nippit.
(Thanks to Donald N. Pierce)
WHY OURS IS AN INFERIOR CULTURE
Because we have not produced anything like this.
(Thanks to Yeow Heong Chan)
NORWEGIAN UNDERWEAR UPDATE
Here's why they spend so much time outdoors.
(Thanks to Anna Louise)
AND IT STILL TASTED JUST LIKE CHICKEN
Yet another example of why we need CLEARLY MARKED supermarket toilets.
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using suicide chicken snakes (which would be a good name for a rock band).
July 10, 2003
ATTENTION, BUSINESS PROFESSIONALS
Do not get left behind! Your competitors are probably already benefiting from this breakthrough productivity-improvement application.
(Thanks to Mac O'Roni of the Dave Barry for President board, on those rare occasions when it is working)
DROP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING, EVEN IF YOU ARE AT THE CONTROLS OF A COMMERCIAL AIRCRAFT
THOSE BASTARDS
Now they're using caribou-eating sharks.
(Thanks to Ben)
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using water heaters.
(Thanks to Ben)
CRIME UPDATE
This blog does not want to raise children in a world where racing sausages are not safe from assault.
(Thanks to Russ Fletcher)
CANADIAN RESEARCHERS: NOT GETTING ENOUGH?
We report, you decide.
(Thanks to MW)
IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME
(Thanks to Brad Buset)
DEPARTMENT OF REALLY BAD IDEAS
Talk about your mad scientists.
(Thanks to Stephen Nielsen)
WHAT...
...they thought the Hulk would have a small willy?
(Thanks to 173 million people)
BIG FUN IN FAYETTEVILLE
The time has come to catch and freeze (freeze?) lightning bugs.
(Thanks to Doug Boeringer)
GIANT RUSSIAN PRESCHOOLERS
When this blog was a young schoolboy, this is the kind of child who sat on this blog's head.
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
MIDWEST SNAKE-SMUGGLING UPDATE
It is out of control. This blog is staying in Miami, where it's safe.
July 09, 2003
TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using rancid squid (which would be a good name for a rock band).
THIS SHOULD STRAIGHTEN OUT THAT PESKY IRAQ SITUATION
Danish troops are now armed with lawnmowers AND a snowplow.
(Thanks to John Dodds)