Dave Barry's Blog

A FRIEND TO MAN?

It turns out there is a fly out there that causes lumpy squirrels.

(Thanks to Isabelle Briand)

(And, yes, this blog is well aware that "Lumpy Squirrels" would be a good name for a rock band)

GOOD POINT

With reference to the story about the group urging people in Las Vegas to practice sexual abstinence, Tom Mould points out that the message may be a tad late for at least one of the people seen in the photograph.

A GOOD CAUSE INVOLVING MUSIC AND HEIFERS

Really.

WEAVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE

Scientists study spiders on drugs.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

AHA!

It turns out that -- as this blog has long suspected -- there is a direct connection between Barry Manilow and squirrels.

(Thanks to Michael Harris)

FURTHER PROOF THAT THE END IS NIGH

UH-oh.

(Thanks to Robert Butwell) (Robert Butwell?)

FINAL UPDATE ON TRACEY THE PRODIGAL PYTHON

Everybody is safe and happy, except for, quote, "a couple of rabbits."

(Thanks to Jennifer Mills)

A BOOKMARK FOR THE FOURTH

Pretty cool.

(Thanks to Pat Hilliard)

WHY NOT?

Virgins in Vegas.

Thanks to Jeff Arch)

WHY WE NEED MASSIVE CLASS-ACTION LAWSUITS

To deal with injustices like this.

(Thanks to Courtney Brewer)

ALARMING TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the squirrels are recruiting snakes.

LABOR UPDATE

Well, this sure makes sense.

(Thanks to Marlo Dianne)

EMAIL FROM EUROPE (A CONTINENT)

On the subject of America leading the danged world in every danged thing, I need to point out that Europe has reached the amazing, yet still believable productivity level of 5735. Nikolaj Schumacher

This blog frankly has trouble believing that score, and suspects that over in Europe they are using metric scoring.

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE UPDATE

In reference to the time-management application this blog linked to yesterday, Russ Fletcher offers this tip to productive professionals:

Try "slinging" the attackers.� In other words, use your mouse like you are casting a fishing rod.� You can sling the guys off the screen.� My personal best was slinging one WAYY off the screen.� A few seconds later he landed on the BACK side of the castle with a splat.� It was great!

This kind of innovative thinking is exactly why America leads the danged world in every danged thing.

THIS BLOG DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT YOU...

...but this is exactly what high school was like for this blog.

(Thanks again to Mike Zlotnick)

RELIGION UPDATE

We're saved! Back to drinking beer!

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

DEPARTMENT OF PERFECTLY NORMAL HOBBIES THAT DO NOT SUGGEST THERE IS SOME KIND OF WEIRD OBSESSION INVOLVED

We see nothing at all odd about this.

(Thanks to Mike Duggan)

WHEW

Tracey the python is safe at home.

ATTENTION, MEN OF THE KINGMAN, ARIZONA, AREA

Anybody missing anything?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

PRODUCTIVITY ALERT

Hardworking office professionals are finding they can definitely improve their time-management skills using this application. For maximum productivity, pick up the little attacking guys with your mouse pointer and hold them up as high as you can before you release them. When they hit the ground, you will get a satisfying and productive splat.

(Thanks to Daniel Smith)

WE'RE ALL FOR HAVING YOUR NEIGHBOR OVER FOR A BITE

But this is ridiculous.

(Thanks to Christina Forster)

HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

This blog does not know what this means, and does not want to know.

(Thanks to Dan Sauberlich)

JUST A THOUGHT

What if this is a trick? What if operators are standing by?

CRIME OF THE CENTURY

OK, this Vietnamese guy got some iron, and he used cow fat to make it look like bronze, and he was going to sell it to these other guys for 900 million dong, and... OK, just read the story.

(Thanks to Ron Rogell)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WITH DECEASED MICE YOU ARE NOT USING

Here is a worthy cause.

(Thanks again to Ben)

ATTENTION, MEN WHO ARE ATTRACTED TO WOMEN HOLDING DECEASED WILDFOWLS

Quack.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CELL PHONES: LEADING CAUSE OF AXE ATTACKS?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Erik Love)

OTHER THAN THAT, THE OPERATION WENT FINE

A surgical patient's head caught on fire. But this is described as "rare."

(Thanks to Ben)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND SENTENCED AFTER INVESTIGATORS SECRETLY RECORD HIM SINGING ABOUT A PLAN TO STEAL AMMUNITION FROM THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT

Best lyrics:

When they go to lunch, hi ho!
Hi, ho! There the ammo go.

(Thanks to Ben)

A MOMENT OF QUIET REFLECTION

Too often, we get caught up in worrying about things like international tension and the state of the economy, and we forget about the things that are really important, not only to each of us as individuals, but also to the human race as a whole, such as the fact that today this blog got 1786.

ONE MORE TRY

We are having Technical Difficulties with this post, but we will attempt one more time to alert you collectors out there that you can purchase a photograph of Ed Brown, model-rocket technician, for just $1,000, or $5,000 signed. This kind of a deal comes along once in a lifetime, at most.

(Thanks to Joe Dunworth)

OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

Time for you productive professionals to fling the cow.

(Thanks to ruach13)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Now they are targeting Tucson.

(Thanks to Dan Sauberlich)

ANOTHER SITE THAT GUYS WILL BE DISAPPOINTED WHEN THEY CLICK ON

www.knobsandknockers.co.uk

(Thanks to a lot of people with a lot of spare time)

UNCHARACTERISTIC MOMENT OF ACTUAL SINCERITY

James Lileks, a friend and a terrific writer, has had a setback. As he recounts in his journal, his wife lost her job. So, does anybody out there need an attorney? Here's James' description:

Three years Department of Justice in DC, eight years Assistant Attorney General for the State of Minnesota. Smart as they come, rigorous and diligent, astonishingly hardworking, and a you-can-turn-the-world-on-with-your-smile smile that makes Mary Tyler Moore look like exhibit A at a dental convention’s “Crones and Gingivitis” seminar.

URG

Do not click here.

("Thanks" to Claire Martin)

SUPERB

This blog gives five stars to the Amazon book reviews of Henry Raddick.

(Thanks to Emily Anna Smith)

ATTENTION, MEN

It's time.

(Thanks to Tiffanie Luckett)

YOU ARE NOT LIKELY TO GET A BETTER DEAL

...on a Weepy the Wee Wee.

(Thanks to Dan Kuhn)

WE CANNOT WAIT FOR THE MOVIE

We see Ben Affleck and "J-Lo" in the title roles.

(Thanks to John Dodds)

HMMM

Linda Anderson alertly points out that, now that they're making clear duct tape, things could get MUCH more interesting here

GOVERNMENT IN ACTION

Palmyra, N.Y., tackles the issues.

(Thanks to many people)

SPIRITUAL ART UPDATE

When people ask this blog, "Where can I get a nice tasteful photograph of myself with Jesus?" this blog directs those people here.

(Thanks to Jen)

SQUIRREL BOOTS

We thought this meant they were going to put boots on the squirrels, but unfortunately they are not.

(Thanks to many people)

ANOTHER GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND (HEAVY METAL) FROM THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

Here.

(Thanks to Bryan Bean)

OK

It turns out to be easy. Good job, Blogger! Of course, it does not hurt that, technologywise, this blog is a massive studly mound of manliness. We will now resume posting random tasteless items.

UH-oh

They have totally changed the way Blogger works, and this blog frankly does not know how to post items under the new system. One thing is certain, though: This blog will not be clicking on "Help," because this blog is a guy. "Death Before Clicking on Help," that is the guy motto.

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

A major advance in guy technology.

(Thanks to T.L. Ferrell)

SPORTS UPDATE

When people ask this blog, "Where can I purchase erotic sexual rugby songs?" this blog replies, "Right here."

(Thanks to Ben)

ART UPDATE

A janitor accidentally threw away some art that he thought was garbage, because it was garbage.

(Thanks to a bunch of people, not including Claire Martin)