Dave Barry's Blog

HEY, MISTER OUTDOORSPERSON!

Wanna buy a boat?

(Thanks to Eric Carra)

IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHEN DRIVERS ARE ON CELL PHONES

But this is ridiculous.

(Thanks to Becky Barwick)

IS THERE NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN?

It turns out that, when researched by professional journalists, a story in the Weekly World News about the birth of an alien baby is not accurate!

(Thanks to Laurie White)

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY BASEBALL SUCKS

You can get arrested.

(Thanks to Michael Harris)

TERRORISM UPDATE

We need to raise the Threat Level to brown.

(Thanks to many people)

WHY MORE AND MORE TOADS ARE RETIRING TO THE ROCKIES

They like the condo lifestyle.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY UPDATE

This thing is getting big.

IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO VISIT WILLIMANTIC, CONN., WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

Williamantic boosters are parading around dressed as giant frogs to attract tourists to their town, according to this Hartford Courant article, which states that the frog-parage organizer "wants people in other communities to know that Willimantic has a lot more to offer than a reputation for heroin trafficking and prostitution."

This blog is calling its travel agent today.

FOREIGN CULTURE UPDATE

Presenting: The semi-military radish dance.

(Thanks to Alice Dick, M.D.)

REALLY USEFUL LABOR-SAVING SITE OF THE DAY

You know what this blog is sayin'?

(Thanks to Crisi Anne Harris)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

Hurry! Or you'll miss your chance to buy a nut encrusted with elephant shit!

(Thanks to Corey Friedman)

EXCITING NEWS FOR AIR TRAVELERS

UsAirWaysCorpGroup (or whatever they call themselves today) is going to start selling inflight food.

(Thanks to J. Stephen Clayton, who asks, "How about if they time/date stamp the turkey on a roll?")

ART FILM OF THE DAY

It's just so (burrrrrppp) artistic.

(Thanks to Susan Barretta)

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT

Mr. Ken Layne, who got this blog into blogging in the first place, and put this blog on BlogSpot, has now blogged (on his blog) that this blog should get off BlogSpot, as if this blog (which, this blog reminds you, would not even BE on BlogSpot without Mr. Ken Layne) would have any clue as how to accomplish such a thing.

WHY I LOVE SOUTH FLORIDA, NO. 54,376

Freedom-seeking rafters from Cuba wash up on South Beach, go to a bar, ask for asylum, and receive beer and T-shirts.

FOR A BAD BAND...

...the Rock Bottom Remainders sure get a lot of publicity.

OK, ENOUGH ALREADY WITH CAT ADOPTION...

...what about this cause?

(Thanks to Bob Holt)

EBAY ITEM OF THE LAST FEW HOURS

Pimp clothes for dogs

(Thanks to Brian Little)

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

...in Muttontown?

(Thanks to Ed Moltzen)

SQUIRREL UPDATE

It's getting worse.

(Thanks to Nancy Klingener)

WHAT KIDS ARE LISTENING TO

They are "getting down" to the "happening" sound of Food Safety Music.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

EBAY ITEM OF THE CENTURY

A pervert animal cracker.

(Thanks to Oscar Bartos)

YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET SOME GARLIC

...before you click here.

(Thanks to Melanie Thut)

DEPARTMENT OF SPARE TIME, CONT.

Important research on the topic of ink cartridges.

(Thanks to Plugo2K)

MUSIC LOVERS: STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW

And go here.

(Thanks to James Doy, who believes this artist could be "New Zealand's answer to Barry Manilow," and adds: "Let's face it, we all need an answer to Barry Manilow.")

GIANT SPIDERS ON THE WEB

Get it? On the "web?" Har! Sometimes this blog slays itself.

(Thanks to "Thornapple River")

MORE ON CAT ADOPTION, A TOPIC THIS BLOG NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE PRESENTING

On the subject of cat adoption, two friends of mine also adopted a cat from Petco's "rescue center".� They filled out paperwork, provided three personal references, and were subjected to an interview.� After this lengthy process (during which they were deemed "committed" to an indoor cat), they had to wait another week because Petco wouldn't allow them to pick the cat up from the store; one of their employees had to drop the cat off so that she could make sure the living conditions were proper.� I'm not entirely sure the process is so difficult to get a foster child, and certainly no one goes to such lengths when a woman is about to have a baby.� So Jeff from San Diego is correct in thinking this is way over the top, but maybe he'll feel better knowing he isn't alone. Lisa Rocci Philadelphia, PA

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

The House of Lords debates spam.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ART UPDATE

When people try to tell me that nobody is doing creative work in the medium of ham, I smile in a condescending manner and direct them here.

(Thanks to Julia Kohn)

A CAT PERSON ANSWERS

Hi Dave,

Cat advocacy organizations try to place cats in indoor homes to A) protect the cat from outdoor hazards, B) reduce the load on wildlife rehabilitators, who often get saddled with the countless wild animals and birds that pet cats injure, and C) reduce the huge feral (wild) cat overpopulation problem, which is fueled by pet cats that are lost or abandoned before they are neutered.

Check out HSUS's "Safe Cats" webpage (www.safecats.org) with a video on hazards to outdoor pet cats.

I owned a small wildlife control business in NYS that also manages feral cat colonies. My site is pretty lame, but you can link there if you want to give your readers a laugh in amateur web building and half-finished sites (www.americancat.org). I place all my rescued kittens in indoor homes, except for truly feral cats, whom we sterilize before returning the cats to their owners. This prevents them from contributing to the growing population of feral cats.

(Anticipated question: why don't we just humanely euthanize the wild cats instead of neutering them and letting them go again? Because most landowners won't let us near their cats if we are going to kill them. However, if I can find a vet who will fix their cats at a low cost, the cat owners happily give me access to their property. Kittens get homes; cats get neutered; no more feral cats. Next question!)

I had to smile at Jeff's comment about the shelter preferring to keep the cat in a little cage rather than adopt to him, because people ask me that all the time. No, my kittens won't be stuck languishing in a cage if I turn away an indoor/outdoor home. They'll just get adopted to the next indoor home that comes along. The majority of people who call me are happy to keep their pet inside. Who wants a pet that is "just fine" outside? The point of getting a pet is interacting with it, and that's best done indoors.

I absolutely understand why people would like to see their cat enjoying a warm nap on a sunny porch or in the garden. They sure are beautiful. But those of us who rescue animals out of our slim wallets need to think about the larger picture: What's safest for the cats, what's safest for the wildlife, and what will end the national problem with the growing feral cat population.

There you go! And no one is refusing to adopt Jeff a kitten. All he has to do is keep the cat safely indoors. I spend over $100 on each kitten I rescue. If I'm going to hand someone a $100 out of my wallet, I want to know that kitten is going to have a safe solid home. Jeff sounds like the kind of guy I'd adopt to---IF I were sure he'd keep the door shut.

Funny. I bookmarked your blog so I could think of something OTHER than cats at least once a day--like the Giant Cheeto. And hey, don't pick on Barry Manilow until you've heard him play Like A Virgin on the accordion.

Susan Greene
Wildrun
Spencer, NY
www.americancat.org

IF YOU WANT THIS BLOG'S OPINION...

...this whole hobby/collection business has gotten completely out of hand.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NO! I'M NOT WALKING FUNNY!

I've just been riding my bike.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HOWEVER MUCH SPARE TIME YOU HAVE

The person who did this has more.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

WHAT SQUIRRELS DO WHEN YOU ARE NOT LOOKING

They play the blues.

(Thanks to Laurie White)

ALL WE CAN SAY IS...

...It's about time somebody devoted a site to this.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IS THIS TRUE?

This blog has received the following email:

Dear Dave, I'm an "older dad" -- 49 with a 4-year-old.� We've been hunting for a kitten and we've encountered a disturbing cultural shift I think you could have a field day with. First, understand that I'm an animal lover and have had cats all my life.� I took my cat to college (it helped get me dates). Here's the deal: in seeking a kitten for my little girl, I filled out the 3-page questionnaire at the "pet rescue" adoption center (at Petco). One of the questions is "indoor"?� "outdoor"?� Or "indoor/outdoor"? I innocently checked off "indoor/outdoor" as all my cats have been and yes, an occasional skunk and possum have made it into my house, too. It's all part of the deal. I was then informed that the Pet Rescue people would only let me adopt if I would guarantee an "indoor" cat.� I queried and they said that yes, they would keep these cats alivein a 2' x 3' box for life if nobody chooses to adopt them.� They'd keep them indoors at all costs, no matter what.� Nice life. Last time I checked, cats were pretty good outside, that's one of the reasons I like them. I was then contacted by another organization -- after filling out the paperwork -- and interviewed for close to 1/2 hour.� They then called back later and informed me that I was not a candidate for adoption because I was "not committed" to an indoor cat. So, Dave . . . I hope you can shed light on a situation that is going wildly over the top. Regards, Jeff Lipscomb San Diego

This blog realizes it is probably going to get stomped on all over by the cat people, but sincerely would like to know why old Jeff can't adopt a cat.

JOE MILLIONAIRE UPDATE

You'll be pleased to learn that he's still a huge star, appearing in major venues.

WHO SAYS KIDS TODAY LACK GOALS?

Not us.

(Thanks to Bob Holt)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WITH SPARE TIME

Here you go.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

CRIME UPDATE

When goats are outlawed, only outlaws will have goats.

(Thanks to Corey Friedman)

DANG

If this blog had had this, this blog could have skipped college altogether.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson)

AND AFTER WE MAKE BUTT DARTS AN OLYMPIC SPORT...

...we can turn our efforts to unicycle basketball.

(Thanks to Mike B.)

I'M FINE WITH IT! REALLY!

I know they spell things differently in Great Britain, but this seems a little extreme.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)

BUTT DARTS UPDATE

Ron Petrie, a columnist for the Leader-Post in Regina, Canada, writes to inform this blog that way back in 2000 he proposed that Butt Darts be made an Olympic sport. Ron calls the sport "Bum Darts," because Canada uses the metric system. Here are some key excerpts of the columns he wrote during his crusade:

And don't you dare go all purse-lipped in feigned disgust at me, Mr. or Mrs. or Ms. Too-Lah-Dee-Dah-To-Admit-You-Ever-Participated. What? At those high-school bon fire parties on the weekend, your preferred entertainment was a spirited Tchaikovsky duet for cello and flute _ is that what you're saying? That you were never at a house party among good friends when the conversation ran dry and no one felt like charades and then one guy slapped down all the change from his pockets on the coffee table and the next thing you knew, you were waddling across the carpet in the fashion of TV comic genius Steve Erkel and havingthe belly laugh of your life? That you are somehow better than the rest of us? Bum darts. You know: the game wherein the object is to carry as many coins as possible across a set distance for deposit in a cup, and the catch is: no use of body parts north of the beltline. Pinching the money between the knees is certainly one technique, but as any accomplished bum-darter, or "Saskatchewanian," will tell you, championship form consists of _ how to put this delicately? _ of imagining the change as the $10-million salary of a major-league shortstop batting a woeful .178 and yourself as the ballplayer who takes to heart the frustrated fans' advice on what he might do with his aforementioned contract. The trip to the cup, the goal, is matter of personal shuffling preference and the key to winning mostly self-composure, as in the determination to block out the surrounding gut-busting laughter and to concentrate, taking each step slowly, deliberately and methodically _  to "keep your pants on," so to speak, figuratively, and also, if I failed to mention it earlier (although a fellow would like believe that, sheesh, it goes without saying): literally. Cupping the maximum coinage requires both a keen aim and a deft release....

Lori wrote: "Since 1989, the Housewives from Hell have gone on a yearly ski adventure, and après ski, inevitably the game of choice was bum darts. Most of the Housewives have become quite proficient at the sport, some even way ahead of their time. Consider Judy (The Change Maker) who can even cha-ching the quarters one at a time, or Pam, who can climb a set of stairs and not lose a cent. The crack of Dawn has seen more change than most slots in Vegas.
"We have welcomed anyone to participate, and men and women from all over the world have joined us in a lively game. We've even had international competitions with the U.S. against the Canucks. Usually we Canadians would win."
Usually we Canadians win.
How often do you hear that said about any of the so-called legitimate international sports? Hello, Canadian Olympic movement! Hello? Anybody home?

This blog urges everybody in the world to join with this blog in support of Mr. Petrie's proposal. This blog would much rather watch Olympic Butt Darts than, for example, "biathlon."

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS, CONT.

"Stick 'em up! Now write me a check."

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Innocent civilian has his van cheesed.

(Thanks to R. Holt)

FASHION UPDATE

Everyone looks better in a meat hat.

(Thanks to Mark "Markzilla" Chatham)

A REAL MAN COULD HAVE BEEN SERIOUSLY INJURED

We have to assume these heroic animals were weinerdogs.

(Thanks to Linda Anderson and Mike Seidel)

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

Bog snorkeling.

(Thanks to Peter Kieselbach)

FASHION UPDATE

Hey, pretty lady! You're looking fiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE

(Thanks to Wendi Martin)

HERO WEINERDOGS: THE LEGEND GROWS

Like most of us, I also have a true inspiring weinerdog story. I was living in Lake Tahoe, CA, at the time, and bears were often seen rummaging through the trash bins in our condo parking lot. The people next door to us had a weinerdog, and one day it charged out of its house toward a large black bear which was in the garbage. The bear took off into the woods, with the weinerdog in hot pursuit. There was a long pause, in which all one could hear were the sounds of birds chirping. Then, from the woods, came the weinerdog -- running madly back toward the house, with the bear now the pursuer instead of the pursuee. Somewhere, deep in the woods, it must have dawned on the bear that it was being chased by a freakin' weinerdog.

The funniest part to me was that the weinerdog flew back into the house -- and I swear, I don't know how this happened, because no one was home -- the door
slammed shut behind him.

Rick Chandler

ENOUGH ALREADY

With Jayson Blair. Also American Idol.