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April 19, 2003

MEANWHILE

Frogs are missing in Hungary.

TURTLE UPDATE

They're all over Detroit.

April 18, 2003

WAR UPDATE

Just wait until the Marines have to face Saddam's elite Republican gazelles.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Gordon)

AT THIS SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR...

...let us not forget what Easter is all about.

OFFICE TOUR UPDATE

We have now added fact-filled explanatory captions to the photos in the slickly packaged "high tech" virtual tour of my office.

WHOOPS

Got to keep track of those domain names.

(Thanks to PurpleLMS, I think)

SPORTS UPDATE

You can have your NASCAR. Here is a sport for the real (burp) man.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AN OUTRAGE

What, now it's illegal to make a little money traveling through time?

(Thanks to Mike Lindsey)

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

Here's a perfectly normal thing to think about.

(Thanks to Lane Closure)

MORE ON THE TIME CUBE

I have no idea what this is all about. I'm only linking to it out of fear that it might turn out to be TRUE or something.

(Thanks to Stephen Clouse)

HUSH MY DARLING, DON'T FEAR MY DARLING

The lion poos tonight.

(Thanks to Lew Greer)

EXCELLENT TIMEWASTING SITE

Let's all go here and see if we can't take our national productivity down a notch or two!

(Thanks to Sacha G)

THOUGHTFUL GIFT IDEA

For the really, really secure man on your list.

(Thanks to Ken Wheaton)

STOP PUNCTUATING INCORRECTLY, YOU MORON'S!

Here's a good guide to using the apostrophe.

(Thanks to Peter Hesse)

AWESOME SITE

Also it's sweet.

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan and others whose names I have lost and I'm sorry so please don't cut off my head. Thank you.)

OUR BLOGGING STANDARDS

Here is another example of the kind of sick, not-funny story that I refuse to link to.

(Thanks to Roger Dooley)

MUSICAL JUGGERNAUT UPDATE

The Rock Bottom Remainders continue to get massive publicity for our three-city tour next week to Seattle, San Francisco and Los Angeles. In this article, Amy Tan reveals why she dresses as a whip-wielding dominatrix. If you would like to see Amy strut around in black leather, and perhaps even strike Scott Turow on the buttocks, you can buy tickets here.

CLARIFICATION: In the post above, I don't mean YOU get to strike Scott's buttocks; I mean AMY does. If YOU want to strike Scott's buttocks, you will have to work that out privately with Scott. Thank you.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET ME ANYTHING! REALLY! OK, MAYBE A YACHT.

Today is National Columnists Day.

HIGH SEAS UPDATE

The Coast Guard rescues a turtle in distress.

PYTHON UPDATE

Arrest him? I'd give him a medal for valor.

NOW WE CAN RESUME LOOKING FOR OSAMA

The New Zealand terrorist toadhunt may be over.

April 17, 2003

MAN, I FEEL AWFUL

The French ambassador is not happy.

WHO NEEDS THE MIDDLE EAST?

We can run our cars on turkey guts!

(Thanks to Bob Silver, who will be attending the Seattle performance of the semi-legendary Rock Bottom Remainders)

NEWS BULLETIN FROM GHANA

The Ghanian navy has freed a giant turtle that was rescued from a sorcerer. (You think I'm making this up)

WACKY MISTRESS OF COMEDY STRIKES AGAIN!

Now this is funny.

JAPANESE FASHION UPDATE

Who wouldn't want a golden turd?

(Thanks to rcnotes)

SAFETY ADVISORY

When people ask me, "Dave, why on earth do you never cook pork chops next to your keg of gunpowder?" I direct them here.

(Thanks to Julia Kohn)

A TOUCHING STORY

Here's a good thing to show to small children at bedtime.

(Thanks to B. Durbin)

SCIENCE THRUSTS FORWARD

"Hey baby... your MRI, or mine?"

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

PERVERT GEEKS TAKE NOTE

Here's your site.

(Thanks to "A," who "stumbled across it I swear")

CIVILIZATION IS DOOMED

Another store selling cat hats.

(Thanks to Mike Lindsey)

THESE DANGED KIDS

Amish buggies racing out of control!

(Thanks to Crystal Weaver)

CULTURE UPDATE

Call me a sophisticate, but I really admire good singing technique.

(Thanks to Erin Lee)

WE GOT YER COMPUTER GAMES! ALSO YER PUSH-UP BRAS!

Here's an eBay site for the whole family!

(Thanks to Gerret Swearingen)

IF YOU CAN'T DO THE TIME, DON'T SENT THE 500,000 EMAILS

NASCAR fans: a breed apart.

(Thanks to Trey Geiger)

BEHIND THE SCENES

Here's a story about the amazing Honda commercial I linked to the other day.

THE GROUND IS SWELLING

More publicity for the legendary almost-all-author band the Rock Bottom Remainders in this story from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. Remember: The band will be playing next week in Seattle, San Francisco and Los Angeles, and if we sell all the tickets, we will be sold out. But we're not yet, so if you like good music, but you want to come hear us anyway, get yer tickets here.

April 16, 2003

NOW I GET IT!

This clears everything up.

(Thanks to Dan Koss)

PETA ALERT

If you want to see something that is very bad and not at all funny, click here.

(Thanks to Sarah John)

WE NEED TO SEND THE

WE NEED TO SEND THE MARINES HERE

My superb and well-staffed Research Department, Judi Smith, has posted a photographic tour of my office. In it you can see, among other things, the legendary Bob the Bear, as well as the extremely tasteful Last Supper Painting and Clock. Also there are huge stacks of unanswered mail dating back to the French and Indian War. Rest assured that I will be getting to this mail any day now.

CHER UPDATE

Her convoy is big news in Montana.

WHY I LOVE MIAMI, REASON 76,394

Police here have to receive special training in dealing with ritual animal sacrifice.

April 15, 2003

IF YOU'RE A CHRISTOPHER GUEST FAN (AND YOU SHOULD BE)...

...check out the trailer.

HOW, EXACTLY, IS THIS DIFFERENT FROM A BOOM BOX?

And shouldn't it be spelled "Devastator?"

(Thanks to Dan Koss)

PERSONALLY, I WANT A LOW SCORE

See how you rate!

ASTRONOMY UPDATE

"Black Tadpoles the size of Earth" would be a good name for a rock band.

THIS IS JUST SO TRUE

"There is no difference between a poop in a cake and a poop in an icecream."

This, and more wisdom about Romanian soccer, can be found here.

THE POWER OF DAVID HASSELHOFF

I say we broadcast this at at the Syrians, as a warning of what could be coming.

(Thanks to Walter Schlech)

April 14, 2003

THE JUGGERNAUT IS ROLLING!

The legendary Rock Bottom Remainders almost-all-author rock band will be playing in Seattle, San Francisco and Los Angeles next week, and we are starting to generate massive publicity in the form of an item at the very bottom of this column. The item dates back to the time when Bruce Springsteen got on stage with us and sang "Gloria." That was in 1994, and afterward he became a huge star. Such is the power of the Rock Bottom Remainders. It is incredible that there are still tickets available.

ART UPDATE

You talk about tasteful.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

 
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