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March 16, 2003

BAD TASTE UPDATE

Like you, I do not find this amusing at all.

(Thanks to Michelle Caswell)

HERE IT IS

It's Sunday, March 16, which means it's time for your Oklahoma Cockfighting Legislation Update.

(Thanks to Sharon Lurie)

March 15, 2003

BOOK YOUR TICKETS NOW

Joe Millionaire will be the April 5 headliner at Penguins Comedy Club in Bettendorf, Iowa, although, as this story notes, he is "not a comedian." Man, is Iowa "where it's at," or what?

WHY PEOPLE DISTRUST THE MEDIA

An Iowa columnist is dissing the Cheeto.

HOAX UPDATE

Alert person Carla Moquin has informed me that, according to snopes.com, the company I linked to yesterday that allegedly arranges "coincidental" meetings is a hoax. I apologize, and will have several people shot. But rest assured that the giant Cheeto is real.

March 14, 2003

LEGAL UPDATE

The amazing thing is that anybody would go to court to claim "credit" for this.

WHILE YOU'RE IN ALGONA, IOWA...

...checking out the Giant Cheeto, you will surely want to take a short drive to Wisconsin (another state) to marvel at this attraction.

(Thanks to Kathryn K. Andrews)

CONCIDENCES, INC.

OK, this is a little creepy.

(Thanks to Mollie Ireson)

CONSUMER ALERT

Do not mess with Sprint.

(Thanks to P. Carroll)

A GREAT DAY FOR AMERICA

Last night, to culminate the formal unveiling ceremony in Algona, Iowa, the giant Cheeto appeared live on national television.

March 13, 2003

PROGRAM NOTE

Good news! It appears that Bump of Chicken either will be performing, or already has performed, "Love & Porkin" on Live Shower.

MUSIC UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, what band are YOU listening to these days?" I answer: "Why, Bump of Chicken, of course!" (I am especially fond of Ninja Porking Tour.)

(Thanks to Kameko Tsukitaka)

SHOCKING NEWS

Wait a minute. These people are saying that Michael Jackson is NOT A FARMER?

MEDICAL UPDATE

NOW they tell us.

SEND IN THE TROOPS

We cannot, as a nation, stand idly by and allow this to happen.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE WORKING???

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE WORKING???

Today is offficially "The Giant Cheeto Day" in Algona, Iowa.

DEPARTMENT OF PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATIONS

So Don Johnson was shopping for a car, and, as any savvy consumer would, he took along eight billion dollars.

CONSUMER ALERT

If you are planning to attend a performance of a Norwegian death-metal band, you will want to wear your sheephead-proof helmet.

March 12, 2003

FERTILITY BREAKTHROUGH

Judging from their logo, these people are cranking out sperm the size of mature walleyes.

(Thanks to Julie Kohn)

MUSIC UPDATE

You would have to try very hard to come up with a better name for a rock band than this.

(Thanks to Julie Pitchford)

CULTURE UPDATE

If it is moving drama you seek, then seek no further.

(Thanks to Mark Manyen)

THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF CITIZENSHIP

If you care at all about the issues of the day, you will cast your vote.

(Thanks to Erin Lee)

CUISINE UPDATE If you eat

CUISINE UPDATE

If you eat here, be sure to try the prairie oysters.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)

HIGHER EDUCATION UPDATE

When people try to tell me that today's college students lack a sense of priorities, I direct them here.

(Thanks to Charles Hall)

A CALL TO ARMS

Forget Iraq. This time, China has gone too far.

MILESTONE

Today we received the one millionth email from somebody who (1) noticed that the Miami Herald lists my name under "LIVING COLUMNISTS" and (2) wrote to make a joke about how it's a good thing I'm not a DEAD columnist, ho ho ho.

SIX DEGREES OF THE HUGE MONSTER CHEETO

As you should be aware by now, the permanent home of the Huge Monster Cheeto is going to be Algona, Iowa. By incredible coincidence, Algona is one of the many places in Iowa lucky enough to have seen, on July 31, 1968, a performance by the legendary Notorious Noblemen.

March 11, 2003

STATURE UPDATE

Yes, a lot of the other presidential candidates have political experience, as well as actual positions on the issues. But, as a voter, you need to ask yourself this question: Do they have T-shirts?

DANGER DANGER

Whatever you do, do not click on this link.

FUN SITE FOR KIDS

PETA better not find out about this.

(Thanks to Cyrilla Baer Pond)

AMERICA'S FUTURE

When somebody tells me that young people today do not have lofty goals, I answer: "Oh, really?"

(Thanks to Gayle Wildman)

HIGHER EDUCATION UPDATE

We bring you this breaking news development from the University of Georgia.

URGENT ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY BULLETIN

It was inevitable that these two great talents would come together.

B.O. UPDATE

If these fabrics had been invented in the Sixties, I could have gotten all the way through college without doing laundry.

(Thanks to Susan J. Barretta)

WHILE WE FRITTER AWAY OUR ENERGY ON IRAQ

...tourists in Rome are being attacked by gladiators.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)

MONSTER CHEETO UPDATE

It is hitting the big time. It won't even return our phone calls.

March 10, 2003

STATURE ALERT

Hey, why the hell not?

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)

MY STANDARDS

This is tasteless and demeaning, and I refuse to link to it.

(Thanks to Julie Rathsack)

DON'T TELL ANYBODY

I think I have discovered Vice President Cheney's secret location.

(Thanks to Steve Pietrowicz)

March 09, 2003

FOREIGN POLICY

You know what nation we need on our side in this Iraq deal? The Rutland Isles.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Here, for the first time since its traumatic abduction and dramatic return, is a photograph of Cher's wig.

March 08, 2003

WARNING TO WOMEN II

Before performing the Heimlich maneuver, make sure the victim is not just looking for a cheap hug.

WARNING TO WOMEN

If a strange man wants to cover your bare feet in baked beans and take photographs of them -- even if he has a perfectly reasonable explanation -- be aware that he may be up to no good.

(Thanks to Greg)

FINAL CHER UPDATE FOR NOW

Gamely performing without her wig, Cher gave a terrific show in the Lafayette, La., Cajundome Thursday, according to this excellent and detailed story in the Lafayette Advertiser. Here is an excerpt:

When the lights came on, the crowd rose to its feet as a chandelier descended from center stage with Cher standing regally and singing “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” She wore a jeweled cape and a large, jeweled headpiece — both lined in white fur.

Costumed attendants helped Cher out of the cape and headpiece, which revealed an elegant pantsuit with a jeweled headband. Not unnoticed by the mostly middle-aged audience was a tiny mid-drift roll. It was the 56-year-old entertainer’s only physical flaw and it served to make her more human, some said.

Imagine! Cher being more human!

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I am attempting to get from California to Florida by air today, so I do not expect to be blogging ever again. Thank you for your patience.

CRIME IN (COUGH) THE (COUGH) UK

If this were illegal in the United States, nobody would ever pass a math test.

LET THE WORLD REJOICE

Cher's wig has been returned. We can now resume looking for Whoosits bin Whatsis.

March 07, 2003

CRIME UPDATE

I have reason to believe that one of these people may be in possession of Cher's stolen wig.

SOMEBODY ALERT PETA

This is just not natural.

(Thanks to Rob McCleave)

CULTURE UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, where are the great poets of today?" I direct them here.

 
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