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February 15, 2003

TASTEFULNESS UPPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, is there some humor so low-rent that even YOU will not stoop to it?" I direct them here.

WE SHALL OVERCOME

Don't try to tell ME that Americans don't care about social injustice!

February 14, 2003

TOURISM UPDATE

If this doesn't cause huge throngs to flock to Soap Lake, Wash., I don't know what the hell will.

CONNIE CHUNG UPDATE

Alert blogger Howard Owens has obtained the actual transcript of Connie's hardcore journalistic grilling of two "American Idol" contestants, and it turns out that her questions were even tougher than I thought.

NAKED FESTIVAL UPDATE

As the old saying goes, "Sake and men in loincloths don't mix."

VALENTINE'S DAY POEM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you duct-tape me
Then I'll duct-tape you

February 13, 2003

JUST A THOUGHT

What if, for the past year or so, terrorists, working in U.S. factories, have been putting lethal biochemical agents on... duct tape?

URGENT HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

You had better buy one of these right now.

VEGETABLE UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, can the Internet be a force for good?" I direct them here.

WILDLIFE UPDATE

OK, this is just sick.

WHY SOUTH FLORIDA IS NOT LIKE WHERE YOU LIVE

Our big issue, in these troubled times, is: bull flipping.

February 12, 2003

HOMELAND SECURITY ALERT UPDATE

I don't know about you, but I'm taking this thing seriously. I'm wrapping duct tape around the Heineken.

EXTREMELY URGENT BREAKING LOS ANGELES NEWS UPDATE

It is even raining at the airport.

URGENT WEST COAST UPDATE

I am (briefly) in Los Angeles, where a HUGE story is breaking: Rain. Yes. It is coming from the sky and landing on the ground, and the TV news people cannot get over the extreme amazing urgency of this. They have reporters in rain slickers all over greater Los Angeles, and they're all reporting that, no matter where they go, incredible as it sounds, it is raining there too. And even more incredibly, the roads are wet. Some areas are expected to get more than an inch.

I will have updates on this incredible breaking story as developments warrant, or I get really bored.

February 11, 2003

JOE MILLIONAIRE UPDATE

He still has not made up his mind! This is because he faces a very difficult choice. Also, he has the IQ of a lawn ornament.

OSCAR OUTRAGE

How, in the name of justice, could the Academy Award nominators have ignored this film?

February 10, 2003

JOURNALISM UPDATE

I just watched Connie Chung interview two "American Idol" contestants. I may have some of this wrong -- I'm a slow note-taker -- but, as I heard them, here are some of the tough, hardball questions Connie fired off:

Q. Both of you are so good!

Q. I saw your mother hug you! It was so sweet!

Q. If you win, do you think you'll still be a nice person?

Q. Good luck to both of you! I'll be watching!

A CALL TO ACTION

How will you answer when, years from now, your child asks you: "Mom or Dad, what did you do to combat the evil of squirrel hazing?"

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

We are in a Heightened State of Alert. Our official national-security status has been raised to Level IX, or "Buttpucker." Everybody needs to be ALERT and HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS. Like, if somebody at the supermarket asks you, "Paper of plastic?", your correct response is: "Who wants to know?"

JOE MILLIONAIRE UPDATE

He has a big decision to make tonight. My prediction? He's going to choose the person who, when all is said and done, really and truly makes him happy. And that person is the butler.

February 09, 2003

AMERICA IS DOOMED

They're also squirrel-fishing at Penn State.

(Thanks to Fred Coppersmith)

MUSIC UPDATE

What I want to know is: How, exactly, is this different from opera?

(Thanks to Leah Meredith)

HIGHER EDUCATION

Sure, it can cost well over a hundred thousand dollars to go to Harvard. But look at the results.

(Thanks to Christy Smedley)

February 08, 2003

A SONG FOR TODAY

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
But the lines are really HUGE

ADVISORY

No posts today: We're at Fisney Forld's Fagic Fingdom, experiencing the fantastic whimsical fun of paying nine dollars for a hot dog.

February 07, 2003

NATIONAL SECURITY UPDATE

Cuban troops have invaded Key West.

URGENT MESSAGE TO AMERICANS

If you are not passing, GET OUT OF THE LEFT DAMN LANE.

STATEMENT MADE BY MY DAUGHTER EXACTLY FOUR MINUTES INTO A 250-MILE CAR TRIP

"We're not there yet."

ADIOS

We're leaving now, for a 250-mile trip in an enclosed car with a two-year-old. At least we're starting out with her in the car.

WHO KNEW?

Turns out they also race zucchini in Boulder.

February 06, 2003

INSECT UPDATE

You know what ticks me off? It ticks me off that TV executives get credit for thinking up shows like "Survivor" and "Fear Factor," where contestants try to make money by eating insects. My former editor, Gene Weingarten, who is clinically insane and now works for the Washington Post, thought this idea up MORE THAN TEN YEARS AGO. Here is proof, in the form of a column I wrote at the time, which my Technical Support Group, Judi Smith, somehow figured out how to put on the Internet.

TRAVEL UPDATE

Posting here may be light or nonexistent for the next day or so, because I will be on a trip to a Secret Undisclosed Location that I will refer to by the Code Name "Fisney Forld."

URGENT BACHELORETTE UPDATE

As you know by now, if you follow world events, Trista dumped Russ. Afterward, she said she knew she had made the right decision, because -- as I interpret her remarks -- Russ did not react to the news by immediately committing suicide.

AN ARGUMENT FOR MOVING TO SAN JUAN

They race zucchini.

WHY I LIVE IN SOUTH FLORIDA

The Miami Herald reports today that the chief of police of my town, Coral Gables, accidentally shot his gun in the bathroom of the police department Wednesday. Last year he accidentally shot his gun in a fitness club. Sooner or later, he is bound to hit a criminal. I say this because our criminals are not the sharpest knives in the drawer; if you scroll down from the police-chief item -- past the item about the trial of the gastroenterologist charged with having sex with a patient who was under anestheisia while being treated for varicose veins -- you come to the item about the sentencing of a man who robbed a bank and then, during the getaway, shot himself in the pants.

Two items below that is an update on an injured pygmy sperm whale, Kokomo, who had been staying in the swimming pool of a motel.

These items all appear well inside the paper, because down here they are fairly unremarkable. This is not the planet Earth.

February 05, 2003

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

We have obtained the full text of Secretary of State Colin Powell's speech on Iraq to the United Nations. You can see it, and sing along, here.

ECONOMY UPDATE

People say these are hard times. But I say bold new enterprises are springing up all over.

ART UPDATE UPDATE

"Young Canadian Lard Sculptors" would be a good name for a rock band.

ART UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, why aren't young Canadians sculpting with lard?" I direct them here.

February 04, 2003

ANOTHER STANKY UPDATE

I could be mistaken, but I don't think this has anything to do with the polka community.

TOAD UPDATE

I can't believe I am just now finding out about this. I am reminded of the old folk saying: "Do not become intimate with a toad wearing a radio transmitter."

STANKY UPDATE

Like an idiot, I assumed that Joe Stanky, of Joe Stanky and the Cadets, was the only "big name" Stanky in the polka business. Boy, is my face red!

CULTURE UPDATE

If ever two people deserved to be together, for ever and ever, with no possibility of escape, those two people are Joe Millionaire and the Bachelorette.

February 03, 2003

WILDLIFE UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, what is a good argument FOR owning an SUV?" I direct them to the video clip at the top of this page.

HUMOR UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, where can I find some hilarous polka-related jokes?" I direct them here.

Columbia

I have an odd little connection to the Columbia: It once carried a book of mine into space. This was on a 1995 mission, STS-73, Oct. 20 to Nov. 5. An astronaut named Marsha Ivins, a neat lady with whom I've corresponded over the years, gave the crew of that mission a copy of Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys to read in space. All seven crew members -- none of whom was on the shuttle for its final mission -- wrote little inscriptions to me in the book. For example, the pilot, Kent Rominger, wrote: "You are right, the Space Shuttle is the ultimate gizmo!" After they landed, Marsha gave the book back to me. I always thought it was very cool, to have a book that had gone into space. Now it means something different, of course. But I'll treasure it.

February 02, 2003

POP MUSIC UPDATE

OK, if there is a better name for a polka band than this, I would like to know about it.

February 01, 2003

"They believed in what they

"They believed in what they were doing."

-- A NASA spokesperson

 
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