Dave Barry's Blog

FLORIDA DEMANDS A RECOUNT

New study ranks Nevada as state with most psychopaths, other dark personalities

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

HOLD OFF ON THAT MORTGAGE PAYMENT

The Earth could be soon flung out of orbit or into the sun

(Thanks to Ralph)

TECHNICALLY HIS FULL NAME IS LOONY JOHN FRANKLIN TOON

Police identify suspect in Eastmoreland Golf Course search as 'Loony Toon'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CSI: MARION, KANSAS

Squad car lights stolen

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

THE BATH IS A NICE TOUCH

Florida man broke into random house, ran bath, cooked dinner to avoid going home to angry wife

What  choice did he have?

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

DECOMPOSITION?

Why ‘old people smell’ happens — and the superfood you can eat to help prevent it

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW B.C.O.M. OPEN FOR DISGRUNTLED MONKEY

Florida Sheriff Warns Beachgoers to Ignore Bizarre Clumps of Manatees Near Shore for NSFW Reason

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

BOLO

Thieves steal €30,000 in bull semen from farm in northern Germany

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE ANIMALS

Disgruntled monkey tears down 'No Feeding' banner in apparent protest

(Thanks to Ralph)

VERY HARD PASS

CARBONATING TUNA FISH

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Tempting, but no.")

TWO WORDS THAT DO NOT GO TOGETHER: 'BREAKFAST' AND 'ADVENTURE'

The father, John Tolkien, sat down with his family for what was marketed as an unforgettable dining experience—the Princess Breakfast Adventure. When the bill arrived, it totaled a staggering $937.65 for five people, which included a hefty tip of $150.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and pharmaross)

IRREFUTABLE

I waited 50 years for loch trip – and took a photo of ‘Nessie’ in just minutes

(Thanks to pharmaross)

LETTER TO A BRIDE-TO-BE

Do not screw it up.

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi Name,

We saw your book, "Book," on Amazon and think it deserves even more attention!

BOTH THE MAN AND THE CAMEL WERE RELEASED AFTER ETC.

In an unusual and dangerous incident, a visibly inebriated man was seen riding a camel on the PV Narsimha Rao Expressway in Hyderabad, terrifying motorists.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Poisonous hammerhead worms rising in Texas. When chopped in two, they double

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

IT PRODUCED A VALID ETC.

At Virginia motel, an odd guest checks in: A six-foot alligator

(Thanks to Gary Shcroeder)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE SO-CALLED 'BILL OF RIGHTS'

No-nonsense Texas judge scolds man for wearing ‘World’s Best Farter’ shirt in courtroom

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

WHAT *CAN'T* HE DO?

Jack Bauer, who has thrown 102 mph pitch, flips from Virginia to Mississippi State baseball

(Thanks to  [of course] The Amazing Steve, who says "p.s. Edgar is still dead.') 

IT WAS THE MOST DIRECT ROUTE TO FLORIDA

An 80-year-old drives a luxury Mercedes sedan down Rome’s Spanish Steps and gets stuck

(Thanks to John Lobert)