Dave Barry's Blog

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WENT EXACTLY AS PLANNED

Giancarlo was just trying to help. But he set the dog on fire, the dog set the couch on fire, the couch set the curtains on fire, and before long, residents of a five-story, 114-unit apartment building in San Francisco were fleeing for their lives down a fire escape amid a blaze that sent two people to the hospital.

(Thanks to Malcolm Hoar)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Swedish Guillemot Mistaken for Spy Bird in Ethiopia

(Thanks to Ralph)

'OLIVIA'S WATER HAS BROKE'

Schenectady news anchor goes into labor on air, but delivers the news

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TODAY'S SUBSTACK TOPIC

It's important.

THAT SHOULD DO IT

Snakes released in condo hallway in protest against noisy dog

(Thanks to pharnariss)

ATTENTION PULITZER BOARD

Chicago Paper Publishes ‘Summer Reading List’ of Fake Books Created With AI

(Thanks to John Lobert)

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Toilet Scrolling Is Hurting Your Butt

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DIDN'T ASK US TO DRIVE

Wienermobiles to compete in inaugural ‘Wienie 500’ at Indianapolis Motor Speedway

(Thanks to Ralph and The Perts)

REMINDS US OF COLLEGE

This Austin book club has been reading the same book for 12 years. They’re not even close to done.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, who says "Maybe they should get off their phones.")

HE WILL FIGHT FOR YOU

A Charleston personal injury attorney was arrested last week after police say he was downtown yelling at the top of his lungs without any clothes on.

(Thanks to Actual Name)

'URBAN?'

CNC Research Forest team is looking for public help with collecting urban bear poop

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ATTENTION MEN:

GP issues urgent warning over 'summer penis' phenomenon that could destroy intimate moments

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CAUSING HIM TO 'SUFFER PERSONAL INJURIES'

Texas man sues Whataburger for nearly $1 million because restaurant didn’t hold the onions, he says

(Thanks to EricY)

WHO'S HUNGRY?

Stir-Fried Cassia Caterpillars

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS CANNOT BE GOOD

NASA Scientists Uncover Giant Glowing Life Form in Ocean, Visible From Space

(Thanks to The Perts, who say "We saw this movie back in '62.")

WE NEED TO BUILD A WALL

Texas officials introduce bill aimed at stopping New World screwworm

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

BEST CLASS EVER

Primary school evacuated after student brings in a grenade for show and tell

(Thanks to Ralph)

MAYBE HER INSURANCE WAS DENIED

Moose gives birth on the grass outside Alaska hospital

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Almost made it.")

WHY HIS ROLLS-ROYCE WAS WEARING A TOWEL WE'LL NEVER KNOW

Florida man tries to stop his Rolls-Royce from being towed wearing only a towel

(Thanks to Ralph)

The video is pretty great.

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

31 million tons of supercharged seaweed is creeping toward beaches in Florida and around the Caribbean

(Thanks to Ralph)