Dave Barry's Blog

AND IN SPORTS

Football referees trapped in locker room, door blocked with vending machine, file charges

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE BILL OF WELSH RIGHTS

Tourists have been warned against taking selfies with goats on cliffs in a Welsh seaside town.

Huh: The coastguard said the goats are safe and urged people to stay away.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AFTER SPENDING THE SUMMER ON TOUR WITH COLDPLAY

Carnivorous hammerhead worms invade local lawns

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TURNS OUT AL GORE WON

POLK COUNTY, Fla. (WFLA) – A Polk County girl thought she had won the top title in a statewide pageant this past weekend, but the Miss Rodeo Florida Organization has informed the family that it was a mistake.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Dear Dave,

Just checking in one last time to make sure we don't get overlooked in your inbox.

GOOD LUCK, ME HEARTY

This Guy Running For Canadian Parliament Wants Men Not to Ejaculate

(Thanks to Unholy Slackarrrrr)

MATEYS:

DO NOT CLICK HAARRRRR

(Thanks to way too many people)

 

AHOY THE POOP DECK

Nebraska students stealing soap dispensers, toilet seats as part of TikTok challenge

(Thanks to Asher Scheinarrrrr)

ARRRR

Arrrrr.

ADVICE FOR AUSTRALIANS PLANNING TO DO THE LAUNDRY:

Don't.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BOLO

Colorado town pleads for return of stolen phone booth

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

PRECISELY THE PURPOSE FOR WHICH 911 WAS CREATED

Man Kept Calling 911 To Report He Was Tired

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE KNOW WHO *NOT* TO CALL

Whale carcass prompts emergency response at Great Kills Park

(Thanks to Jane Linderman and pharmaross)

EMAIL TO THE BLOG

Because there was once a time when I cared about such things, I will occasionally still get emails from a group that tracks academic publications.  Supposedly (meaning I have to believe these folks) when they spot my name, they send a query to make sure I am the author.

Here is an actual real life question I got today: Are you the Craig Magee who wrote  "Diachronous sub-volcanic intrusion along deep water margins: insights from the Irish Rockall Basin"?

I replied:  No, you've got me confused with the Craig Magee who wrote about diachronous sub-volcanic intrusions in SHALLOW water.  Easy mistake.  Happens all the time.

-- Craig Magee

'BEPANTED?'

Bepanted shovel-toting farmer wins privacy payout from France TV

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Wouldn't that mean with pants?

TIME TO START HOARDING

Earth’s oxygen is projected to run out in a billion years

The toilet paper will be long gone by then.

(Thanks to Roberto)

WHAT NOW

Shopkeepers urged by police not to sell baked beans to children due to new TikTok trend

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT BE TOMARRRRRRRROW, ME HEARTIES

Arr.

IN THAT CASE, SIR, PLEASE RESUME FIRING

Kentucky man shoots out of hotel window, says he was aiming at aliens

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'COREGASMS'

10 per cent of gym goers have had an orgasm while exercising, study finds

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Please wipe down the equipment when you are finished.")