Dave Barry's Blog

THE HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

Here's the video version, which is every bit as tasteful as the print version.

BUT VERY SLOWLY

Sloths Are Tearing Apart Suffolk County

(Thanks to Jim Perth, who says “maybe sloths are the new squirrels.”)

ALL OF THE OTHER DEER WERE LAUGHING AND CALLING HIM NAMES

Wildlife officials rescue deer with antlers wrapped in Christmas lights

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE WORD IS ‘TRAGEDY’

‘Spam figgy pudding’ sells out ahead of the holidays

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “we'll be forced to eat steak for the holidays.”)

BOLO

Giant tortoises stolen from the St. Augustine Alligator Farm

(Thanks to Rick Stevenson)

Or maybe the alligators ate them.

GUYS IN ACTION

Firefighters rescue three men who got trapped in an industrial tumble dryer after crawling in because it 'would be cool'

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

GO FIGURE

‘A dud’: European Union’s $500,000 metaverse party attracts six guests

The event, with its own virtual DJs playing music on repeat, was supposed to be so digitally enticing to young people that once they were there the EU would be able to educate them about its development policy.

Nothing excites youths like a chance to listen to virtual DJs while being educated on development policy!

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CLEARLY THIS SITUATION CALLS FOR NUCLEAR WEAPONS, ASSUMING CANADA HAS SOME

Banff struggling to manage Columbian ground squirrels in cemeteries

(Thanks to Nigel Grout)

AND IN SPORTS

Mississippi golfer bites off man's nose in argument over game, police say

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

A PARABLE FOR OUR TIMES

Missionary carrying a cross on his shoulder during 5,000-miles walk across America is arrested for getting into a fist fight with Montana motorist who 'threatened to shoot him'

(Thanks to Geoff Scott)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

6:27 p.m. A man who was hit by a truck called 911 and said “Help, I need a beer.”

(Thanks to pharmaross and Roberto)

ATTENTION HOLIDAY SHOPPERS

Elvis Presley’s Private Jet Is up for Sale, and the Original Red-Velvet Seats Are Still There

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

And don’t overlook this.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

‘Reckless driver’ turns out to be dog behind wheel in Texas crash

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

WE WILL BE BITTERLY DISAPPOINTED IF THIS DOES NOT BECOME A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Man Who Fell Off Cruise Ship After Winning Air Guitar Contest Can’t Recall Event, Claims He Fought Off Sea Creatures: ‘The Lord Was With Me’

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN AUSTRALIA

Venomous spider crawls into unsuspecting woman's ear while she's sleeping

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE'RE ON OUR WAY

The Biggest Zipper In The U.S. Is Here In Vermont And It’s An Unforgettable Adventure

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE'RE GOBSMACKED

Tattoo addict dubbed 'black alien' 'can’t find a job' due to employer reaction

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE'LL GET RIGHT ON IT, SIR

Man rides motorbike into lobby of Fukuoka police station, demands they crack down on rude driving

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Huge Snake Found Lurking in Man's Clothes Drawer

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AWW

Adorable black kitty called Burnt Toast stuns his owner by dragging ALLIGATOR HEAD into their Wisconsin home

(Thanks to Fabian Marson and Roberto)