Dave Barry's Blog

FYI

Happy Endings Could Mess Up Your Brain's Decision-Making, Study Says

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "Most misleading headline of the day so far.")

THIS IS THE THANKS YOU GET

Man Arrested After Calling 911 To Alert Authorities About Alien Invasion

(Thanks to pharmaross)

EVENTUALLY HE'LL MAKE CHANGE

Gainesville police arrested a man who stole and ate a woman’s $5 bill.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU KNOW WHO IS BEHIND THIS

Walmart store evacuated when skunk wanders inside

(Thanks to Ralph)

THERE IS NO FUN LIKE SCIENTIST FUN

Scientists Drive Tiny Robot Around Inside Living Butthole

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

Escaped cloned female mutant crayfish take over Belgian cemetery

(Thanks to pharmaross and AmoebaStampede, who says "We might as well just shred the Crustatucean.")

STAND WITH ME, AMERICA

You can be in the cabinet.

AND THEN PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

'Hey, crap, this bird is alive!' Driver describes how bald eagle came back to life in back seat of his van

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER T-SHIRT

The World's Largest Air Cannon

(Thanks to John Lobert)

OOPS

A young couple who once dined at the Big Apple’s iconic Balthazar couldn’t bottle up their emotions after ordering an $18 Pinot Noir — but being served a $2,000 Mouton Rothschild instead by accident, the eatery’s owner recounted this week.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AS FORETOLD IN THE OLD TESTAMENT

A pig appears in Brooklyn.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who wants to send it to Washington.)

Related: The City of Tallahassee Animal Service Center says they have rescued a pig who was living in a fraternity house.

Statement made by a person who apparently has never been in a frat house: "...pigs aren't meant to live in frat houses..."

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

A giant inflatable Borat has taken over the Toronto waterfront

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO PUT ON A MASK AND GO

Florida man accused in cocaine bust was ‘only selling due to COVID’

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GET BACK TO US WHEN THEY LOCATE GOLDFINGER

Declassified Files Reveal a Possible Spy in Poland—Named James Bond

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SET FIRE TO THE BILL OF RIGHTS

Men arrested for alleged plan to shoot bowling balls out of cannon

Key Detail: Marijuana, two glass pipes and liquid THC were also found truck, according to the report.

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

CANCEL THAT TRIP TO THE MAGIC KINGDOM

Kalamazoo’s new $107K outdoor public restroom opening soon

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOUNDS KIND OF EXTREME

Court orders California to cut San Quentin inmates by half

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I’m wondering if the inmates get to choose which half they get to keep.")

CSI: HAWKINS COUNTY, TENN.

...a deputy noted handprints that “seemed consistent with a monkey"

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "send that monkey to Washington.")

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

We Finally Know What a Dinosaur’s Butthole Looks Like

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and pharmaross)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Ft. Pierce woman claims wind blew cocaine into her purse

(Thanks to pharmaross)