Dave Barry's Blog

THEY'RE UPGRADING TO FAX MACHINES

Military has phased out the use of floppy disks to coordinate nuclear launches

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE'RE WITH THEM

He called the fire department, but firefighters said the snake was "big" and left, Siemon said.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

WE SAW ENT OPEN FOR ELO

British soldier jailed for excessive nipple twisting

(Thanks to Peter M)

WHY?

Anheuser-Busch InBev has accused rival brewer Miller Coors of obtaining the secret recipes for Bud Light and Michelob Ultra

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Wouldn't just letting them have the recipe be getting even?")

WHY THE HELL NOT?

Team Builds A Massive 3,168 Square Foot Ouija Board

(Thanks to John Lobert, who wants to send it to Washington)

VITAMIN C

46 pounds of cocaine found hidden in shipment of oranges in Florida

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

A Franklin County patrol deputy saw an unusual sight last week: a car driving down the road with a street sign sticking out of the front.

This is right out of Reno 911:

The video jumps forward to Ferrell outside of the vehicle and the deputy asking him how much he’s had to drink.

“Two….mellow bellows,” Ferrell struggled to say.

“Mellow Yellows?” the deputy responded.

“No…nobody drinks ‘em, so they don’t know how to pronounce them,” Ferrell said, before exclaiming, “Malibus! Twenty-one percent – two Malibus.”

“Two bottles?” the deputy asked.

“Two crates,” Ferrell responded.

“Pints?” the officer suggested.

“If that,” Ferrell said.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ENOUGH TO KEEP THE DOCTOR AWAY FOR 60 YEARS

Farming family says someone stole 22,000 apples from their orchard

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Florida man swims with, rescues 9-foot-long 'real mellow' alligator from pool

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Fastest ants in world found in northern Sahara

(Thanks to Dave N., who says "Next Olympic event?")

THEY SEEM FUN

Oklahoma couple stages 'It' photo shoot reenacting scenes from the creepy film

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, who says "There's not much else to do in Oklahoma.")

MEN:

Do NOT click here.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Al Barkafski)

WE PLAN TO BE DEAD

Pizzas of the future will be made with with insect dough and lab-grown meat, futurist says

(Thanks to DaninDallas and John Gregg)

And yes, Pizzas of the Future toured with Phish.

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Venomous snake found hiding in toddler's toybox

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, who says "In Australia, we call this 'interactive learning.'")

'EVERYONE IS WEIRDLY CALM'

Pelican waddles into fish and chips restaurant in Australia, waits in line

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT

Excessive brain activity linked to a shorter life

(Thanks to many people, quite a few of whom noted that there are a lot of old politicians)

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN!

Iowa family discovers horrifying basement filled with blood from neighboring meat locker

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOMEBODY IS *SO* GROUNDED

14-year-old wrecks $250G Lamborghini with stolen car

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT CRACKERS

Lemoore police arrest men accused of stealing $50,000 dollars worth of cheese

(Thanks to pharmaross)

KIND OF LIKE THE GOVERNMENT

Paris zoo unveils the "blob", an organism with no brain but 720 sexes

(Thanks to Ralph, pharmaross, Alkali Bill, Doug Ogg, Alan Kubbs and Dave N.)