Dave Barry's Blog

WE READ THE STORY, AND WE STILL HAVE NO IDEA

“We’re not crossing our fingers, we’re pressing our buttocks,” the organizers shouted to Roselyne Bachelot

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER THE HORSES PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Florida man accused of trying to steal horses, riding them home, deputies say

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

APPARENTLY THEY USE THEIR WINGS

Scientists have finally worked out how butterflies fly

INAUGURATION DAY

Here's a story about the time I marched in a presidential inaugural parade, back when we had those.

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Edwin Poots issues jelly and gravy shortage warning

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to Ralph)

APPROACH WITH CAUTION

Cumming man accused of trespassing naked

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CSI: MYRTLE BEACH

The couple, who live in Myrtle Beach, were arguing when McCoy allegedly “brought up how the victim only has one testicle which caused the victim to get upset.”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THESE JUST IN

Wiltshire referral centre treats world-first dual penis dog successfully

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE 2021 MEN'S FASHION COLLECTION

...will make you long to have 2020 back.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Finally in 3-D: A Dinosaur’s All-Purpose Orifice

(Thanks to Steve K. and vee)

We think "all-purpose orifice" might be a good replacement for a cruder term we sometimes use to describe people we do not care for.

Another Way of Putting It: Scientists Have Described a Dinosaur's Butthole in Exquisite Detail

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet and Jim Kenaston)

Also: This fossil reveals how dinosaurs peed, pooped and had sex

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Also: 1st preserved dinosaur butthole is 'perfect' and 'unique,' paleontologist says

(Thanks to Doug in Sacramento)

THIS JUST IN

Paleontologists Detect 50-million-year-old Fossil Bug Penis

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

THEY CAN LEGALLY VOTE AND DRIVE IN FLORIDA

Army is working on Frankenbots with living tissue to better robot capabilities

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

IN THAT CASE, SIR, PLEASE RESUME SPEEDING

’I would have crashed:’ Fleeing suspect claims he was driving too fast to pull over, police say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

LIKE, WOOF, DUDE

Great Falls veterinarian reports spike in marijuana ingestion by dogs

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND IN SPORTS

Zimbabwe Manager Accuses Cameroon Of ‘Witchcraft’ After Finding Dead Bat On The Field

(Thanks to Roberto)

HEEL

Dog owner on crutches spends £300 on vet bills for limping lurcher… only to find out he was simply copying him

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CLEARLY EN ROUTE TO FLORIDA

Flaming truck speeds through town

(Thanks to Steve K)

FRANCE ON HIGHEST POSSIBLE ALERT

Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-scented candle explodes into flames causing an ‘inferno’ in a woman’s living room

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY CONTRACT IT IN AN AIRPORT

Man found living in Chicago airport for three months 'due to fear of Covid'

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says "I've spent three months circulating the passenger pickup loop, but never been inside that long.")

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

12:09 p.m. A woman reported her brother was manufacturing drugs and messing with her Wi-Fi.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)