Dave Barry's Blog

APRIL THE SOMETHINGTH OPEN THREAD

We welcome your thoughts.

Also: Should we keep the open threads going? Are people getting bored with them? Are people making comments purely out of pity? WE DON'T WANT PITY COMMENTS, DAMMIT.

Why yes, we have commenced cocktail hour. Why do you ask?

SUGAR CANE WAS INVOLVED

Man has penis bitten in roadside attack

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

A top German doctor recommends whiskey to protect against COVID-19

(Thanks to John Gregg)

WE ALREADY KNOW WHY: THE FIRST TWO WORDS IN THE HEADLINE

Florida woman put 400 Easter eggs filled with porn in mailboxes, deputies say. Here’s why

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEPARTMENT OF HEADLINES THAT WOULD HAVE MADE ZERO SENSE THREE MONTHS AGO

Michigan man wearing thong underwear as coronavirus mask assaults man who mocked him

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'WHERE THE **** ARE YOU GOING?'

Italian mayor uses drones to scream profanities at residents ignoring lockdown

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

RULES ARE RULES

A group of sunbathing nudists in the Czech Republic were recently told they needed to cover up, just not in the way that most would expect. While they were completely free to remain nude, local ordinances required that they keep their mouths covered due to the global coronavirus outbreak.

(Thanks to Phil Shortell, Maryann and pharmaross)

ATTENTION BORED FLORIDA PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A FUN ACTIVITY:

Here you go:

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S STARTING, PEOPLE

From Jim Esten:

Don't say this blog didn't warn you.

WHY IS THIS OPEN THREAD DIFFERENT FROM ALL OTHER OPEN THREADS?

Let's read the comments and find out.

IT'S GETTING REAL

A man in California was arrested Monday, accused of assaulting his mother after a family dispute over toilet paper dramatically escalated, according to officials.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WHAT POSSIBLE HARM COULD THIS DO?

Mum who gave birth during coronavirus lockdown calls child 'Covid Bryant'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IN THAT CASE, DUDE, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Man caught with rucksack of cannabis tells police 'I'm buying in bulk due to lockdown'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PENDING A REVIEW OF THE EVIDENCE

Naked man arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure in Lincoln

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says, "Suspicion?")

HAPPY PASSOVER!

Here's a special Coronavirus Haggadah.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

And for those wishing to have a more traditional seder, there's always this classic. 

IF WE EVER GET OUT OF SHELTERING AND CAN GO TO BARS AGAIN...

...you should definitely order this drink.

It's a Facebook link, so it might not work for everybody.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

OH *THAT* ROSE BUSH

Alleged drink driver loses licence after police spot rose bush attached to car

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THESE SHOULD BE RESTRICTED TO THE MILITARY

Cops: Woman Assaulted Man With SpaghettiOs

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

HE ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA LICENSE, SO THERE WAS NO NEED TO ISSUE HIM ONE

A Florida man who drank a bottle of wine that he was unable to pay for at a Winn-Dixie then fled the store, ran a red light and caused a hit-and-run crash all with an 11-year-old girl in tow, according to the DeLand Police Department.

Sounds legit: The suspect denied driving the vehicle and instead pointed the blame at an unknown man named “John,” but a woman and an 11-year-old girl who were in the black Hyundai let officers know that Roe was indeed behind the wheel, the report said.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

AT LEAST *SOMEBODY* IS ENJOYING THIS

Pandas mate in lockdown at Hong Kong zoo after ten years trying

(Thanks to pharmaross and Charles Cates, who says "Ah, adolescence!")