Dave Barry's Blog

SOUNDS SCHOLARLY!

Two Bayeux scholars at loggerheads over whether dangling shape depicts dagger or the embroidery’s 94th phallus

(Thanks to The Perts, Unholy Slacker and Jan in Grimsby)

EVERYBODY HOLD STILL

Earth’s Orbit Is Not as Stable as We Thought

(Thanks to The Perts)

YOU KNOW WHO'S BEHIND THIS

Woodpecker damages more than 20 vehicles in Massachusetts town

(Thanks to Ralph)

AUSTRALIA FINDS THIS HILARIOUS

Man in The Hague finds 2-meter snake in his bathroom; Days before animal is caught

(Thanks to Ralph)

JUST AS WE HAVE LONG SUSPECTED

Giant prehistoric kangaroos preferred to ‘chill at home’ and didn’t like to go out much, scientists say

(Thanks to Ralph)

'RIVAL BOFFINS ARE AT ODDS'

'Proof' of alien farts on distant planet questioned as scientists may be full of hot air

(Thanks to Ralph)

Rival Boffins WBAGNFARB.

THEY CAN DO THAT?

Experiments to dim the Sun will be approved within weeks

(Thanks to Geoffrey Scott, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

COCKTAIL OF THE DAY: STINGERS

Terrified bar-goers engulfed by swarm of 3,000 bees

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "The bar-goers wanted to catch a buzz, so what are they complaining about?")

WHICH FORTUNATELY IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL

The perfect steak can be made in your dishwasher

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'HUMAN ATOMS?'

Extreme 'zombie star' capable of ripping human atoms apart is shooting through the Milky Way — and nobody knows where it came from

(Thanks to Steve Thompson, who says "Obviously, it came from Florida.")

AND IN SPORTS

Lake County toilet seats a hit

(Thanks to Ron T)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

A Florida man casually offered pursuing deputies a vodka spritzer in the middle of a car chase after he allegedly stole several items from a convenience store, authorities said.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT RESEARCHERS?

Yawn contagion in fish

(Thanks to Alberto)

HERE COMES PETER (burrpppp) COTTONTAIL

Belgians hunt for hidden beers in Easter event

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "his was followed by the famous Beer Bottle Roll on the lawn of the Belgian White House.")

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE:

6th grader's science experiment answers, 'Do cat buttholes touch every surface they sit on?'

(Thanks to Ralph and wiredog)

UPDATE: It has been alleged in the comments that this story is old and we already blogged it. We frankly do not have time to investigate this allegation, but as a precaution judi will be forcibly brought out of retirement and fired.

THIS USUALLY WORKS

Man urinated and told cops 'I will make you lick that pile of pish'

(Thanks to Actual Name)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS AN UNEVENTFUL FLIGHT

Delta passengers forced to hold plane together after ceiling collapses mid-flight

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT

Man sets off on 53-mile walk dressed as a curlew

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEN THEY HIT THE CLUB

Wild chimpanzees filmed by scientists bonding over alcoholic fruit

(Thanks to The Perts)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

4:48 p.m. Someone called to turn himself in “for everything.”

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

That will lighten the caseload.