Dave Barry's Blog

MEAWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

Things are heating up.

(Thanks to Mary Smith and pharmaross)

IT WILL SOON BE COVERED IN SEAGULL POOP

Park bench dedicated to man who used to sit and shout at seagulls to 'f**k off'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

St. Pete woman charged with felony battery after throwing lettuce at someone

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND YOU THOUGHT THE NEWS COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE

A TikToker claiming to be a time traveller from 2236 has issued a stark warning to their followers, including a claim that Europe will be struck by a “deadly meteor” in autumn.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Dave, I think this guy is for real.")

(Agreed. If we can't trust time-travelers on TikTok, who can we trust?)

JUST WHAT WE NEED

Aggressive hamsters.

(Thanks to Josh Evans)

They definitely opened for somebody.

LET FREEDOM RING

A federal judge ruled Monday that North Carolina bureaucrats violated the Constitution when they tried to ban a Flying Dog beer over a possible penis on the label.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLORIDA EDUCATION REPORT

Large alligator blocks door to Central Florida elementary school

(Thanks to pharmaross)

COMING SOON TO THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK

Mind-Altering Parasite May Make Infected People More Attractive, Study Suggests

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

NO PRESSURE

Man with nine wives 'anxious' as all partners want to be first to bear his kids

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

ATTENTION, SOUTH FLORIDA SPORTS FANS WISHING TO JUMP ON THE HEAT OR PANTHERS PLAYOFF BANDWAGONS:

Here you go.

YOU KNOW WHO'S GIVING THE ORDERS

Hawaii is waging war on 'aggressive' feral chickens. The chickens are winning.

(Thanks to Barry Nester, Le Petomane and Rich Alpin)

NEW JERSEY POLICE CHIEF OF THE WEEK SO FAR

“You’re sleeping in the middle of the road… your pants are down.”

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THEY'RE ALSO A STRONG OPENING ACT

'Voracious' Jumping Worms Can Leap 1 Foot In The Air, Destroy Soil

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Man Invents The ‘Burrito Bumper’ That Collects All The Dropped Food And Places It Into A New Burrito

(Thanks to Ralph)

AT LEAST IT WAS DEAD

Horrified dad finds dead frog hanging out of McDonald's burger

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE BACON

35,000 pounds of eggs spill on Dallas freeway

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

DRAMA CLUB NEWS

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Drama Club News.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FOR AN EXTRA $250 THE SALESPERSON WILL SPIT ON YOU

Luxury Brand Sells $1,850 “Fully-Destroyed” Sneakers

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT STUDIES?

Women really do fancy men more if they’re richer, study confirms

(Thanks to Frank)

SACRILEGE

The water tower in Kingsland, the birthplace of Johnny Cash, bears a painted silhouette of the famous Man in Black — but an unknown person recently took careful aim at Cash’s crotch and pulled the trigger. Now the mural is perpetually leaking from that spot, video shared May 11 by the Cleveland County Herald shows.

(Thanks to Barry Nester and Doug Ogg)