Dave Barry's Blog

AND IN SPORTS

Gardner Minshew Is Refusing To Poop Before His QB Battle With Trevor Lawrence

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BECAUSE YOU DON'T ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH TO BE ALARMED ABOUT

Two red things are hiding in a part of the solar system where they shouldn’t be.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

6:53 p.m. Dogs were heard barking on a butt dial.

(Thanks to Mary Smith)

UPDATE: 5:14 p.m. A suspicious male taking photos in the bathroom was just “taking pictures of the tile to capture the face of God.”

(Thanks to Roberto and Mary Smith) 

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A FAIRYTALE WEDDING

Groom allegedly shoots friend after wedding because he suspected affair with wife

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ATTRACTED BY THE SCENT OF HAMBURGERS

Hundreds of Sharks Are Swarming People’s Backyards Because of a Toxic ‘Red Tide’

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THIS SHOULD VASTLY IMPROVE OUR UNDERSTANDING OF CONGRESS

Chinese scientists hope to unlock secrets of human brain with high-res image from a monkey

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

IT ORDERED THE SALMON

A bear ran into a Gatlinburg restaurant Friday afternoon, according to visitors who witnessed the incident.

(Thanks to John Wheat, who says "Bartender says, 'You want to watch the Cubs?'”)

JUST KEEP DRIVING

If you see a squirrel laying flat on the ground, don’t panic. It’s probably just ‘splooting,’ officials say

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “If there are treadmarks on its back, it is 'splatting'.”)

PIGS MAKE RULES?

Bacon may disappear in California as pig rules take effect

(Thanks to Ranald Adams and Le Petomane)

SOUNDS… EXCITING!

Scientists develop male contraceptive that uses magnets, nanoparticle injections

(Thanks to ImNotDave and Michael Parry, who says “Apparently, the only side effect is that you get stuck to the refrigerator.”)

FIXER-UPPER

Mexico is raffling off one of El Chapo’s safe houses for $12.50

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY’RE EVERYWHERE

Here’s a YouTube video posted by this blog’s old pal Jeffrey Berkowitz, who swears this actually happened.

WE BLAME CLIMATE CHANGE

A dark gray-brown Bean goose flying upside down was snapped by an amateur photographer near the Dutch town of Arnhem.

(Thanks to ImNotDave)

CSI: COLUMBIA, S.C.

SCHP later told News19 that a truck carrying chicken had a relatively small spill on the road which someone apparently mistook for a deceased person.

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

THIS JUST IN

Senedd could consider Welsh dragon penis petition

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

AS RECOMMENDED IN THE OWNER’S MANUAL

A 31-year-old woman is recovering after she accidentally set herself and her car on fire this week while trying to kill bed bugs.

(Thanks to Geoff Scott and pharmaross)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Nasa to launch slime into space as part of ‘blob’ experiment

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

SO WHAT’S YOUR MAJOR?

Students Are Getting Paid to Poop at a South Korean University

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

Perfectly preserved 310-million-year-old fossilized brain found

(Thanks to EricY)

ALERT LEVEL: HIGHEST

French Courts Side with Rabbits Over Army

(Thanks to Ralph)