Dave Barry's Blog

UPDATE FROM SCHMANCE

The cars here are very small.

Q.How small are they?

A. You can park inside the restaurant.

On the other hand, the pencils are humongous.

The countryside is teeming with cute old cities like this one, which was built centuries ago and does not contain a single WalMart.

This bridge was built by the Romans. Eventually they went back to Rome, but they left the bridge here because it is extremely heavy.

BEWARE - THEY ARE GETTING SMARTER

Flying squirrel fakes his own death "for attention" 

(Thanks to John Lobert)

SHALL WE PLAY A(NOTHER) GAME?

Alien-like message sent to Earth in a test to prepare for the real thing

(Thanks to The Perts)

UPDATE

In Schmance, when people need to say that the plumbing is working properly, the phrase they use translates to English as "All the water is marching." We think this is a wonderful expression that we should adopt in America to just generally indicate that things are OK, as in this example:

Q. How are you today?

A. All the water is marching!

UPDATE

Schmance is a land of many mysteries.

Medical care here is free, but primitive.

This woman is wondering: "What percentage is my smartphone?"

Many top musical acts perform here.

There are zero vampires here. ZERO.

Here we are standing in a randomly chosen location with our old pal, co-author and bandmate, Mr. Ridley Pearson. The gentleman at right obviously awestruck, but he is pretending not to recognize us.

UPDATE FROM SCHMANCE

Here we are climbing the famous Eiffel Tower, which is named for the man who invented it, Gustave Tower. It is 18,427.5 hectameters high and is made entirely out of old rocks. In this photo I am catching my breath midway through the ascent, which is approximately nine steps. The view from here is spectacular. You can see all the way back to the ground.

GOOD LUCK DRIVING 'EM

Ford is...warning owners of nearly 143,000 Lincoln MKC compact SUVs to park them outside and away from buildings and other vehicles because they could potentially catch fire, even when not running.

(Thanks to Asher S.)

STICK WITH THE CHICKEN FINGERS

An arrest warrant states the woman bit into the hot dog from a Sonic Drive-In but ended up with a small plastic bag containing the drug in her mouth.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

WE MIGHT ALL EVAPORATE

Grateful we don't understand a single word of this news item.

(Thanks to Jim K.)

WHENEVER YOU WAKE UP...

Swamp Story in the Everglades

SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS

...or maybe The Blog.
Tomorrow.

RECENT SIGHTING

...at the local liquor store. 



(Thanks to Unknown Guy who let some random woman post his picture... as long as she didn't show his face.)

SHALL WE PLAY A GAME?

AI-Controlled Drone Decides to Kill Human Operator in 'Thought Experiment'

(Thanks to Steverino AKA Steve)

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

Reported alligator in Arizona was likely a beaver

(Thanks to Ralph K. and John Lobert)

TRAVEL ADVISORY

For approximately the next ten days, this blog will be on vacation in a foreign location that, for reasons of National Security, we will refer to only by the secret code name “Schmance.” During this time blogging from us will be limited and possibly nonexistent, because over there they use a completely different kind of electricity called “kilometers.”

We realize that for many of you, this blog is your primary source of news, and that is why we believe humanity is doomed are pleased to inform you that during our absence judi has graciously agreed to take a break from being fired retirement and post here occasionally when she comes across photos of men in kilts items of interest.

So for now we bid you adieu (literally, “gesundheit”) and remind you regular readers to keep taking those medications even if the voices are telling you not to.

BIG DEAL. WE'VE FORGOTTEN ENTIRE DECADES.

It sounds almost unbelievable, but many Taylor Swift fans are claiming to suffer from "post-concert amnesia".

(Thanks to Steve Bradford)

CANADA: NATURE'S WONDERLAND

Naked man attempts to dig out truck stuck in riverbed near Calgary park

(Thanks to Roberto)

THE FEEL-GOOD HIT OF THE SUMMER

Cocaine Crabs from Outer Space

(Thanks to Ralph)

SO IT DIDN'T STOP AT PETTING

New breed of sheep accidentally created at a petting zoo

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

WAIT... IT CHASED A TROOPER *WHILE ASSISTING A WOMAN?*

Turkey chases around state trooper while assisting woman whose car broke down

(Thanks to Robert Moats)