Scene in the Tropics

Jersey Shore back to Miami for season 4?

Just when you thought Miami Beach was rid of the bad case of reality herpes known as Jersey Shore, rumor has it the cast may flare up again in these parts sometime this spring.  According to Page Six, producers want to film here again and their only issue right now is likely the egomaniacal greed fueling the cast members who may demand outrages fees to commit. Our source who helped us break the news of last spring's infestation says there's no news yet but wouldn't be surprised if they come back for another round of ugly episodes. And people wonder why Miami has been demoted on those "Cities With Beautiful People" rankings.

Jersey Shore viewing party: May cause extreme nausea or severe discoloration

Like a car accident on I-95, you know you can't help but look, if but for a quick second. Same goes for the trainwreck/90 car pile up called Jersey Shore, whose second season, partly filmed right here in Miami, will debut on MTV tomorrow night. However, like the Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, watching too much Jersey Shore will most likely induce severe nausea.  It seems like just yesterday that places like Mynt and pretty much everywhere else not located on Ocean Drive were so aghast, they basically said they'd sooner let a serial killer into their fine establishments than the cast of that show. And wisely so. According to People magazine, the "producers made Miami look as ugly as Seaside Heights, NJ." And that's not even including J-Woww's wardrobe or lack thereof. But if you're gonna watch, you may as well do so at the Catalina, the sister property of the hotel (the Metropole) that probably needed a Hazmat team to sterilize the place after the giddy gang o' guidos packed up their spray tan, Valtrex bottles and Aqua Net and left. And even though the Metropole wisely decided to 86 plans to charge thousands a night for the Snooki Slept Here suite, it doesn't mean they can't celebrate. Which they will tomorrow night at Maxine's Bistro and Bar at the Catalina at 9 p.m. with much food, drink and fanfare--for instance, go dressed as a Jersey Shore cast member and get a free Jersey Shore Situation cocktail. That's almost as good as dressing like a cow for a free sandwich at Chik-Fil-A, though we think we'd rather do that and pay for our cocktail rather than dress like a burnt, overinflated, puffy, pumpkin.

Valtrex alert: Jersey Shore Season 2 flaring up for July debut

Jersey Shore

Poor South Beach, suffering from that not so fresh feeling after the inexplicably popular MTV virus known as Jersey Shore polluted our beloved beach town. And just when you thought we got rid of it, that virus is about to infect the airwaves when it relapses debuts on Thursday, July 29 at 10 p.m. on that channel that used to play music videos. We're itching from the trailer already. In a way, it's sort of like watching the JonBenet Ramsey story on Lifetime that show Toddlers and Tiaras in which innocent children are tarted up and pimped out for publicity. You can' t help but cringe, and you can't help but watch, either. At your own risk, of course.

Good riddance, Guidos: Jersey Shore taking their baggage back to Jersey

Besides a few staged fights on Ocean Drive here and there and some gratuitous bikini shots on the beach, the cast of the Jersey Shore had a pretty uneventful, ordinary stay on South Beach. Like they usually do with tourists, locals ignored them just like the A-list clubs did. We now fondly bid the cast of Jersey Shore adieu and wish them well in their endeavors in the place they belong. Apparently the cast has officially moved out of the Metropole South Beach and are staying at the Catalina for their last night of feigned South Beach debauchery. Snooki and co. spent Wednesday afternoon striking poses for MTV at the Catalina's rooftop pool, where The Situation, who never did pop up after hours at Twist as some expected, was, according to our source, "using an exercise band in between takes to pump up his muscles."  Many of you asked us to wake you when it was all over, but for some reason, all we can do right now is just yawn and go back to sleep. Zzzzzzz.

Canceled: Bombshell! LIV sinks to new lows, tapping Jesse James mistress as party host

In a move that makes Snooki and co. look like members of the noble class, LIV at the Fontainebleau has apparently tapped Michelle "Bombshell" McGee to host a party, "Bad Girl's Night Out," on Wednesday night. There's really not much more to say about it other than we guess Sandra Bullock won't be visiting the club anytime soon. You stay classy, Miami.

Update: since our original post and column in the Herald today, LIV has canceled the party. Says the club's operating partner David Grutman, "We didn't know about the Nazi stuff until today. We just thought she was some bad girl that was coming to town and wanted to host a bad girls night for the hipster Wednesday night party, Dirty Hairy. LIV is the place for the A-list to play. She does not fit with our regular programming." A-list and B.S. But Grutman, who clearly LIVs under a rock, insists he had no idea about the Nazi stuff. "I swear. I thought she was just some sex freak," he added.

Bienveguidos a Miami: Jersey Shore tsunami hits South Beach

Roll out the welcome mats, the red carpets, the parties hosted by Snooki with special guest DJ Pauly D', fashion shows by J Wowww, work out sessions with The Situation, spray tanning with the other ones whose names we forget but, you know, the ones riding on this gravy trainwreck, too, and, well you get the picture. They're heeere, them Jersey Shore kids, and Miami's about to get a lot more sensational, and you decide which definition of that word we're using here. Between the hush-hush nature of their arrival and the MTV lockdown on information you'd have thought it was a matter of national security. Even the details of President Obama's April 15 visit to Miami are less secretive than this tried to be. But anyway, the giddy gang of self professed juiceheads and their molls are staying, just as we expected, in the same place as the classy chongas casting we told you about the other day. Yep, as Miami hopefuls for the Latin version of Jersey Shore lined up to outclass each other in front of casting agents at the Catalina Hotel & Beach Club, in walked a well-oiled Ronnie Magro (that's his name!), who emerged from a minivan sporting headphones and a decent tan. Ronnie was pretty low keyed when he walked past Maxine's restaurant. And then, one by one, the rest of Ronnie's entourage arrived a la the Beatles at Shea Stadium circa 1965. The anticipated (?) arrival took a lot longer than expected, perhaps because they were detained by security out of fear they may have been carrying some communicable diseases or because their stashes of gel were over the 3 ounce limit. If you missed it, don't worry. They'll be here for the next two months. But don't go stalking them at the Catalina. That was just a temporary holding cell before their "permanent" digs at sister hotel, the Metropole, was ready for them.  But back to those Beatles. As all this excitement happened, none other than Sir Paul McCartney, a bona fide celebrity with talent and pedigree, quietly slipped into his hotel nearby with hardly any fanfarfe. Jersey Shore could end up being a great distraction for real talent who may actually dare to vacation in Miami for a change. In the meantime, who else will join Team Mynt as a Jersey Shore-free zone?  Stay tuned for details. We you know you can't wait even if you can't admit it.

Making us proud: Miami episode of America's Worst Driver airs Sunday

Airing this Sunday, April 4 at 10 p.m. on the Travel Channel is this Miami episode of America's Worst Driver. Contestants include two men and two women, all who contribute to our city's fine reputation as the capital of road rage. Says the Travel Channel: "Miami is famous for its nightlife, nearly nude beaches, and Art Deco, but it's also home to the 9th largest traffic congestion in the US. It has also been voted the most dangerous city for pedestrians in America and for the past two years, the capital of road rage." The network also offers some Miami driving tips including, "Be prepared to share the road with notoriously aggressive and unpredictable local drivers. Running red lights, cutting off other drivers, refusing to yield the right of way and many other unsafe behaviors are common in Miami." For the comprehensive list of unsafe behaviors common in Miami we'll defer to the cast of Jersey Shore.

Weekend forecast: Sunny, bunnies, with a chance of guidos

Poor Easter Bunny. He's about to be upstaged (or poisoned) by the carrot-colored cast of Jersey Shore, which is en route to Miami and expected in town at some point this weekend. Perhaps the bunny will mistake Snooki, The Situation and co. for a snack and devour them before they have a chance to soil our shores. Wishful thinking, because we all know rabbits can't digest Power Bars, Red Bull, spray tan, Aqua Net, Axe Body Spray and Got2B Max-Control Styling Gel. And if the rabbit tried to consume these toxic ingredients, PETA would be down here faster than Kelly Bensimon can say "I’m not abusing animals. I’m just wearing fur." Anyway, we know what they did last summer and frankly, we're scared. We also think we know where they're staying and possibly "working" but we were told if we reveal that before they arrive, they may keep the cast from the gym and No Lines Tanning for a week and then sic 'em on us. Uh, no thank you. We'll just have to wait until they make their grand entrance to find out what places to avoid for the next month or so. In the meantime we never thought we'd say this, but the Kim Kardashian is suddenly looking like Grace Kelly in our eyes (with her sisters as the princess's lesser minions), though we wonder if they'll pull a cross-pollinating Happy Days visits Laverne & Shirley (Lenny, Squiggy and the Fonz were, after all, precursors to this whole Jersey mess) and bring the two reality shows together for one big, bad publicity stunted photo-op. And while they're at it, maybe the crew from "Miami Social Club" can stop by for a cameo. And then there's the Bad Girls Club. And then[Lost reference alert] a deceased Locke, possessed by forces of evil, will blow through here and smoke 'em all away and all that will remain will be flowing, breezy palm trees and a very hungry Hurley. The end.

Dine and Dash: Kourtney and Khloe retake Miami

They're baaaaack. Seen being famous for doing nothing filming the new season of their E! "reality" show, Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian, having dinner at DeVito South Beach Friday night. We didn't realize they were back so soon and merely laughed when one of our sources told us they could swear they saw "those Kardashian Muppets" in Dash, the sisters' money laudering shell of an operation version of a lemonade stand Washington Avenue clothing store which never seems to have a soul in it until the camera crews arrive. Anyway, welcome back girls and enjoy the attention while it lasts because it's only a matter of time before Dash becomes a blip on the Jersey Shore  South Beach radar.

Super Bowl swag bags go missing vis-à-vis Snoop Dogg and Nick Lachey

 
While Nick Lacheywas busy bro-ing it up with Captain Morgan, andSnoop Dogg was busy performing, 15 bags of merchandise from the ALENE TOO Pop-Up Boutique at the Eden Roc went missing sometime after 10 p.m. After combing the hotel, the store's frantic staffers put out an APB and called HLN's Nancy Grace to help look for the bags. Lo and behold, they turned up this morning. Seems that all 15 of the bags were scooped up by the bodyguards for Lachey and Snoop, who thought the bags were for them and their clients. Not so much. Bags were returned this afternoon and all was swell. Because, really, besides the fact that they can afford it--well, Snoop, at least---who in their world needs 15 free bags of suntan lotion, T-shirts, and pool toys?