Scene in the Tropics

Kardashians giving Miami back to its rightful owners

  
It's official. Kourtney, Kim and Khloe Kardashian, the Landers sisters (plus one) of the 2010s, will not be taking Miami again. Sources tell us the E! reality show Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami was going to potentially come back as Kim & Kourtney Take Back Miami but the idea was killed. “The New York show is performing really well so the girls will stay in New York to film the next season.” But don't get too excited disappointed. We're not getting rid of them completely. Despite the show not coming back, sources tell us that the sisters are thinking about opening a second Miami outpost of their money laundry boutique, Dash. “The [South Beach] store is packed everyday and doing insane amounts of business," says our source. Plus, adds the source, "The Kardashians love Miami and Khloe's husband [LA Lakers player] Lamar Odom owns a home in Miami." Word is they've got their eyes on Aventura Mall. No decisions or leases have been signed but scouting has begun. We will keep you posted if you can handle it.

Jersey Shore class acts to duke it out in Ft. Lauderdale

 
Though many of our DVRs have been long disinfected from the virus known as Jersey Shore, apparently many more are still inexplicably watching. Jumping on the germy bandwagon is Hollywood Boxing, who is offering J-Woww and Sammi $50,000 each to get into the ring and beat the you know what out of each other with "huge 24 oz. boxing gloves." Though there's a date set, March 19, a venue has yet to be announced. And while the two Shore skanks would be the star attraction or something, the event will also feature 16 women not on an MTV reality show throwing punches in the ring for cash and prizes. Class, unfortunately, is not one of them.

Jersey Shore viewing party: May cause extreme nausea or severe discoloration

Like a car accident on I-95, you know you can't help but look, if but for a quick second. Same goes for the trainwreck/90 car pile up called Jersey Shore, whose second season, partly filmed right here in Miami, will debut on MTV tomorrow night. However, like the Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, watching too much Jersey Shore will most likely induce severe nausea.  It seems like just yesterday that places like Mynt and pretty much everywhere else not located on Ocean Drive were so aghast, they basically said they'd sooner let a serial killer into their fine establishments than the cast of that show. And wisely so. According to People magazine, the "producers made Miami look as ugly as Seaside Heights, NJ." And that's not even including J-Woww's wardrobe or lack thereof. But if you're gonna watch, you may as well do so at the Catalina, the sister property of the hotel (the Metropole) that probably needed a Hazmat team to sterilize the place after the giddy gang o' guidos packed up their spray tan, Valtrex bottles and Aqua Net and left. And even though the Metropole wisely decided to 86 plans to charge thousands a night for the Snooki Slept Here suite, it doesn't mean they can't celebrate. Which they will tomorrow night at Maxine's Bistro and Bar at the Catalina at 9 p.m. with much food, drink and fanfare--for instance, go dressed as a Jersey Shore cast member and get a free Jersey Shore Situation cocktail. That's almost as good as dressing like a cow for a free sandwich at Chik-Fil-A, though we think we'd rather do that and pay for our cocktail rather than dress like a burnt, overinflated, puffy, pumpkin.

Open casting call on South Beach for bad girls and bachelors who love them

In an open casting call that sounds like an ad for a Pimps 'n' Hos party, the folks responsible for such mind numbing television as The Real World and Keeping Up With the Kardashians is looking for men and women to try out for the next installments of brain teasers Bad Girls Club and its testosterone-charged spawn, Love Games. Women and men 21 and over who missed the Jerry Springer Show bandwagon are encouraged to show up, photo and ID in town, at Finnegan's Way, 1334 Ocean Drive, on Friday, July 23 from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. For those unfamiliar with the Oxygen Network's "highest rated original series ever," Bad Girls Club, you must be in Mensa. As for Love Games, that one features former "Bad Girls Club stars vying for the man of their dreams." It's dating for the E-Harmony rejects! You've tried MySpace, you've even tried writing to some incarcerated criminals, so what do you have to lose?

Valtrex alert: Jersey Shore Season 2 flaring up for July debut

Jersey Shore

Poor South Beach, suffering from that not so fresh feeling after the inexplicably popular MTV virus known as Jersey Shore polluted our beloved beach town. And just when you thought we got rid of it, that virus is about to infect the airwaves when it relapses debuts on Thursday, July 29 at 10 p.m. on that channel that used to play music videos. We're itching from the trailer already. In a way, it's sort of like watching the JonBenet Ramsey story on Lifetime that show Toddlers and Tiaras in which innocent children are tarted up and pimped out for publicity. You can' t help but cringe, and you can't help but watch, either. At your own risk, of course.

Calling all jilted brides and grooms: your betrothed may have bailed, but reality TV wants you!

There may be few things worse than being left at the altar--just ask Kiefer Sutherland or the former fiance of the so-called Runaway Bride who staged her kidnapping just to avoid taking that big, scary matrimonial march. But we may have found something that could be worse: a reality show about it all. Yep, Beach Pictures and Pink Sneakers Productions (responsible for such TV gems as Hogan Knows Best, Brooke Knows Best and, best of all in the worst possible way, Miami Social) are casting for their newest reality masterpiece, Left At the Altar, and are on the hunt for brides and grooms who set the big date but chickened out at least a month before the wedding. From losing your bride to losing your pride, it could be considered cathartic for the jilted and the scorned to tell their stories on national TV. Or not. Those who dare to find out are asked to send a picture and their story to info@beachpictures.tv. One word of advice: make sure you sign a pre-nup.

The situation has suddenly improved: Jersey Shore heading back to the Garden State

We've been punked! MTV pulled off a clever little prank, and it turns out that it was just a very special Jersey Shore Soils South Beach episode and the cast of guidos and guidas will soon enough be returning to Seaside, NJ where they belong, according to MTV spokeswoman Emily Yeomans. "Once the boardwalk heats back up, the series will return to the Jersey Shore to complete the season," they said. It was 60 degrees there today, so hopefully it'll be sooner than later even though we were told they are here for the next two months which, in reality show years, is an eternity. No wonder MTV didn't officially announce that season 2 was taking place in Miami. It was all just a little field trip and an elaborate ruse to throw us off (or Miami's lack of enthusiasm) and it may have been the smartest thing MTV did since canceling The Hills. 

Bienveguidos a Miami: Jersey Shore tsunami hits South Beach

Roll out the welcome mats, the red carpets, the parties hosted by Snooki with special guest DJ Pauly D', fashion shows by J Wowww, work out sessions with The Situation, spray tanning with the other ones whose names we forget but, you know, the ones riding on this gravy trainwreck, too, and, well you get the picture. They're heeere, them Jersey Shore kids, and Miami's about to get a lot more sensational, and you decide which definition of that word we're using here. Between the hush-hush nature of their arrival and the MTV lockdown on information you'd have thought it was a matter of national security. Even the details of President Obama's April 15 visit to Miami are less secretive than this tried to be. But anyway, the giddy gang of self professed juiceheads and their molls are staying, just as we expected, in the same place as the classy chongas casting we told you about the other day. Yep, as Miami hopefuls for the Latin version of Jersey Shore lined up to outclass each other in front of casting agents at the Catalina Hotel & Beach Club, in walked a well-oiled Ronnie Magro (that's his name!), who emerged from a minivan sporting headphones and a decent tan. Ronnie was pretty low keyed when he walked past Maxine's restaurant. And then, one by one, the rest of Ronnie's entourage arrived a la the Beatles at Shea Stadium circa 1965. The anticipated (?) arrival took a lot longer than expected, perhaps because they were detained by security out of fear they may have been carrying some communicable diseases or because their stashes of gel were over the 3 ounce limit. If you missed it, don't worry. They'll be here for the next two months. But don't go stalking them at the Catalina. That was just a temporary holding cell before their "permanent" digs at sister hotel, the Metropole, was ready for them.  But back to those Beatles. As all this excitement happened, none other than Sir Paul McCartney, a bona fide celebrity with talent and pedigree, quietly slipped into his hotel nearby with hardly any fanfarfe. Jersey Shore could end up being a great distraction for real talent who may actually dare to vacation in Miami for a change. In the meantime, who else will join Team Mynt as a Jersey Shore-free zone?  Stay tuned for details. We you know you can't wait even if you can't admit it.

Weekend forecast: Sunny, bunnies, with a chance of guidos

Poor Easter Bunny. He's about to be upstaged (or poisoned) by the carrot-colored cast of Jersey Shore, which is en route to Miami and expected in town at some point this weekend. Perhaps the bunny will mistake Snooki, The Situation and co. for a snack and devour them before they have a chance to soil our shores. Wishful thinking, because we all know rabbits can't digest Power Bars, Red Bull, spray tan, Aqua Net, Axe Body Spray and Got2B Max-Control Styling Gel. And if the rabbit tried to consume these toxic ingredients, PETA would be down here faster than Kelly Bensimon can say "I’m not abusing animals. I’m just wearing fur." Anyway, we know what they did last summer and frankly, we're scared. We also think we know where they're staying and possibly "working" but we were told if we reveal that before they arrive, they may keep the cast from the gym and No Lines Tanning for a week and then sic 'em on us. Uh, no thank you. We'll just have to wait until they make their grand entrance to find out what places to avoid for the next month or so. In the meantime we never thought we'd say this, but the Kim Kardashian is suddenly looking like Grace Kelly in our eyes (with her sisters as the princess's lesser minions), though we wonder if they'll pull a cross-pollinating Happy Days visits Laverne & Shirley (Lenny, Squiggy and the Fonz were, after all, precursors to this whole Jersey mess) and bring the two reality shows together for one big, bad publicity stunted photo-op. And while they're at it, maybe the crew from "Miami Social Club" can stop by for a cameo. And then there's the Bad Girls Club. And then[Lost reference alert] a deceased Locke, possessed by forces of evil, will blow through here and smoke 'em all away and all that will remain will be flowing, breezy palm trees and a very hungry Hurley. The end.

Kim Zolciak and Tracy Young: The Sapphic Friends Network

After the dust settled on a rumor that no one but us on slow news day, her kids, and maybe Andy Cohen and NeNe Leakes seemed to care about, The Real Housewives of Atlanta's drag queen Doppelganger Kim Zolciak has admitted to Life & Style that she's bisexual. Sort of like the anorexia and bulimia of tabloid confessions of years past, the bisexual card has been played by several bona fide celebs and at the end of the day no one really cares which way these celebs swing. But Zolciak is no celebrity and some say that's why she's coming out, no pun intended, with this latest bit of TMI. According to Zolciak, she and former Miami-based DJ Tracy Young had sparks the first time they met, when the two were in the studio together remixing the aural sludge that was Tardy For the Party, a project that arose via Twitter, of all places. Zolciak had split with the elusive Big Poppa for the umpteenth time and, according to her, Young just ended a 3-year-relationship. "Tracy made the first move. Our kiss was passionate and exciting," Zolciak says in an interview she was probably paid to do. Our source isn't really buying it. "She sounds honest enough to me [in her confession], but I believe it is just another ploy to keep the 15 minutes alive." Perhaps we can see for ourselves as Young is in Miami for Winter Music Conference and Zolciak, never tardy for a publicity party, is said to arrive in Miami sometime tomorrow.