Scene in the Tropics

Canceled: Bombshell! LIV sinks to new lows, tapping Jesse James mistress as party host

In a move that makes Snooki and co. look like members of the noble class, LIV at the Fontainebleau has apparently tapped Michelle "Bombshell" McGee to host a party, "Bad Girl's Night Out," on Wednesday night. There's really not much more to say about it other than we guess Sandra Bullock won't be visiting the club anytime soon. You stay classy, Miami.

Update: since our original post and column in the Herald today, LIV has canceled the party. Says the club's operating partner David Grutman, "We didn't know about the Nazi stuff until today. We just thought she was some bad girl that was coming to town and wanted to host a bad girls night for the hipster Wednesday night party, Dirty Hairy. LIV is the place for the A-list to play. She does not fit with our regular programming." A-list and B.S. But Grutman, who clearly LIVs under a rock, insists he had no idea about the Nazi stuff. "I swear. I thought she was just some sex freak," he added.

Bienveguidos a Miami: Jersey Shore tsunami hits South Beach

Roll out the welcome mats, the red carpets, the parties hosted by Snooki with special guest DJ Pauly D', fashion shows by J Wowww, work out sessions with The Situation, spray tanning with the other ones whose names we forget but, you know, the ones riding on this gravy trainwreck, too, and, well you get the picture. They're heeere, them Jersey Shore kids, and Miami's about to get a lot more sensational, and you decide which definition of that word we're using here. Between the hush-hush nature of their arrival and the MTV lockdown on information you'd have thought it was a matter of national security. Even the details of President Obama's April 15 visit to Miami are less secretive than this tried to be. But anyway, the giddy gang of self professed juiceheads and their molls are staying, just as we expected, in the same place as the classy chongas casting we told you about the other day. Yep, as Miami hopefuls for the Latin version of Jersey Shore lined up to outclass each other in front of casting agents at the Catalina Hotel & Beach Club, in walked a well-oiled Ronnie Magro (that's his name!), who emerged from a minivan sporting headphones and a decent tan. Ronnie was pretty low keyed when he walked past Maxine's restaurant. And then, one by one, the rest of Ronnie's entourage arrived a la the Beatles at Shea Stadium circa 1965. The anticipated (?) arrival took a lot longer than expected, perhaps because they were detained by security out of fear they may have been carrying some communicable diseases or because their stashes of gel were over the 3 ounce limit. If you missed it, don't worry. They'll be here for the next two months. But don't go stalking them at the Catalina. That was just a temporary holding cell before their "permanent" digs at sister hotel, the Metropole, was ready for them.  But back to those Beatles. As all this excitement happened, none other than Sir Paul McCartney, a bona fide celebrity with talent and pedigree, quietly slipped into his hotel nearby with hardly any fanfarfe. Jersey Shore could end up being a great distraction for real talent who may actually dare to vacation in Miami for a change. In the meantime, who else will join Team Mynt as a Jersey Shore-free zone?  Stay tuned for details. We you know you can't wait even if you can't admit it.

And G-d said to Moses, "There shall be one plague more": a casting call for 'chongas and bros'

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, a casting announcement "for a major network" just went out for, and we quote verbatim because we could never come up with this, uh, prose: [sic]"Miami's Most Outrageous Chongas and Bro's! What we need: females & males, loud, funny and representing for Miami. It's a plus if you have: tattoos, hoop earrings, bass cars, spinners,  styled hair, good body, good looks, etc. We're not looking for actors posing as a chonga/bros but it is great if you are a chonga/bro and an actor!" Ummm. No words, really except, for those who have no clue what a chonga is, click here for the Urban Dictionary definition--it makes the term 'guido' seem like titled nobility. A bro, on the otherhand isn't as offensive and is more like, well, a guido. In other words, the Miami version of Jersey Shore, which we already have now, too. Good grief. Casting is at the Catalina Hotel & Beach Club (the place many believe the Jersey Shore crew to be staying, though we think it's more likely a sibling hotel), 1732 Collins Ave. Age range: 17-28. We did a little sniffing around and this is no joke. It's completely, sadly, legit. Think Biggest Loser, Blow Out and House of Boateng. And a ps from the casting folk, again [sic]: "We need characters people, so if you feel you are a character and want national exposure then be there this Saturday! Miami represent!" Um, hasn't Miami already been represented enough?

 

Weekend forecast: Sunny, bunnies, with a chance of guidos

Poor Easter Bunny. He's about to be upstaged (or poisoned) by the carrot-colored cast of Jersey Shore, which is en route to Miami and expected in town at some point this weekend. Perhaps the bunny will mistake Snooki, The Situation and co. for a snack and devour them before they have a chance to soil our shores. Wishful thinking, because we all know rabbits can't digest Power Bars, Red Bull, spray tan, Aqua Net, Axe Body Spray and Got2B Max-Control Styling Gel. And if the rabbit tried to consume these toxic ingredients, PETA would be down here faster than Kelly Bensimon can say "I’m not abusing animals. I’m just wearing fur." Anyway, we know what they did last summer and frankly, we're scared. We also think we know where they're staying and possibly "working" but we were told if we reveal that before they arrive, they may keep the cast from the gym and No Lines Tanning for a week and then sic 'em on us. Uh, no thank you. We'll just have to wait until they make their grand entrance to find out what places to avoid for the next month or so. In the meantime we never thought we'd say this, but the Kim Kardashian is suddenly looking like Grace Kelly in our eyes (with her sisters as the princess's lesser minions), though we wonder if they'll pull a cross-pollinating Happy Days visits Laverne & Shirley (Lenny, Squiggy and the Fonz were, after all, precursors to this whole Jersey mess) and bring the two reality shows together for one big, bad publicity stunted photo-op. And while they're at it, maybe the crew from "Miami Social Club" can stop by for a cameo. And then there's the Bad Girls Club. And then[Lost reference alert] a deceased Locke, possessed by forces of evil, will blow through here and smoke 'em all away and all that will remain will be flowing, breezy palm trees and a very hungry Hurley. The end.

So here's The Situation: Jersey Shore is Miami's new OJ Simpson

If Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino wants to really get rich, he should find a way to bottle his self esteem, which would probably smell like what would happen if you mixed Axe Body Spray with Summer's Eve and a splash of Drakkar Noir. Oh wait, he's supposedly doing something similar and putting out a cologne which we'll call Yo De Toilet™. Anyway, even if it's overcompensation for assorted shortcomings, that pungent esteem was being boosted last night when the Jersey Shore's power tool hosted the party at LIV and then stopped by Mokai around 3 a.m. with a group of friends. According to our Mokai mole, The Situation was appalling busy sipping Grey Goose and bopping along to the sounds of Snoop Dogg and Beyonce as "hordes of girls crowded his table," many even squeezing his only asset well toned abs which, frankly, on South Beach are as common as, well, dudes on South Beach sporting Ed Hardy. After being fawned over for about 2-hours, The Sitch and his minions left. This, uh, situation, sort of reminds us of when OJ Simpson used to party on South Beach, only in this case, the only thing Jersey Shore has killed thus far have been a few billion brain cells. Back in the OJ-era of South Beach there were factions that refused to roll out the red carpet for him and factions that bent over backwards for him. We'd be willing to put brackets around the fact that during Jersey Shore's Very Special South Beach Spring Break, most factions will be in the 'if you can't beat em, join 'em" category. As for those who shudder at the thought of sharing space with people famous for doing nothing besides gym, tan and laundry just like everyone else but without a camera crew or a hefty paycheck, you can at least count on Mynt as a Jersey Shore-free safe house. Or you can always quarantine yourself to avoid this virulent strain of pop culture Ebola and hope that, unlike the flesh eating bacteria, it rips through our city swiftly and painlessly.

Move over Kardashians, here comes the Jersey Shore: Season 2 confirmed for Miami

 

Kourtney and Khloe may want to put a rush on their filming because from what we hear, it's a done deal. Despite protests from some locals, South Beach rolled out the Ed Hardy carpet and Jersey Shore jumped on it like, well, a reality star in an awards show gifting suite. Prep for Goons Over Miami the second Real World Miami MTV hit is said to start in two weeks, to be followed by the arrival of the cast. Though we're not 100 % sure on where the merry gang of guidos will be residing, depending on who you ask, it's either too close or not close enough. As for the welcome party, you can be sure it's not at Mynt. And as for the Kardashians, well Kim may have a bit of a beef with J-Woww, but one thing the two camps do have in common is their joint effort (along with a few other s*hitshows) in turning Miami into the country's official reality show landfill. Whatever the case, you can practically hear the fists pumping--some, up in the air in a joyful display of delight and others into various walls around the city. Get ready, Miami. And don't say you weren't warned.

Jersey Shore's Inglourious Basterds spoof confirms season in Miami?

As painful as this may be, we think it pretty much confirms our worst nightmares and will probably create a few new ones as well. Our inside source tells us we'll know for sure by the end of today. But don't hold your breath. As we type, Mynt is ordering Fort Knox-caliber locks for its doors, while some other South Beach establishments begin vacuuming its red carpets. Brace yourselves.

Miami's not the only city with a Jersey Shore allergy

 
Seen posted outside Republic, a live music venue in New Orleans. 'nuff said.

Jersey Shore creeping closer to South Beach & some other reality show rumors

 

Tanning salons, laundromats, Wet Willies and Mango's shouldn't get too excited over the rumors that Jersey Shore's second season on South Beach is a done deal---yet. Despite reported rumors that a house near Lincoln Road is being renovated for the inexplicably popular MTV reality smash, we can 100 % squash that one and tell you that said house is being all pimped out possibly for  HGTV's Color Splash instead. In fact we hear the show's comely host David Bromstad has moved here for it. That said, we do know locations are being scouted close to or on Ocean Drive for Jersey's most controversial gang since The Sopranos. In fact, some of the show's scouts were seen sniffing around The Clevelander recently. As much as some tourism officials may not want to admit it, Ocean Drive screams Jersey Shore. A better location may not exist for them down here, really. Think The Birdcage meets Saturday Night Fever with a bit of Night at the Roxbury thrown in and, if they continue to fry their faces in the tanning beds, Scarface, too. Says our uber inside source, the chances of the show being filmed here are "Looking solid, but not one hundred percent." 

And based on the amount of fist pumping going on at STK Miami last night when Shore-mates The Situation and Pauly D. showed up, we have a feeling South Beach, despite some protests like those made by Mynt owner Romain Zago, who refused to allow Shore scouts to film inside his club, will embrace them with open fists. According to our sources, The Sitch and Pauly "snapped pictures with every female that approached them." And, scarily, there were a lot. While Pauly stuck with water, The Sitch guzzled Grey Goose and Red Bull. The duo was overheard yapping about how much fun they had in Florida, and "how beautiful the tan ladies are." What, you expected Kafka?

Meanwhile there's an even bigger South Beach connection to Jersey Shore and that's the person responsible for Snooki, The Situation and co. None other than former crobar doorman Doron Ofir, now a hugely successful reality show casting agent, was responsible for that original-in-more-ways-than-one cast. He sure knows how to pick 'em and, if they do come down here, we guess everything really does come full circle, though he probably would never have let 'em into crobar way back when. Only now will those velvet ropes part like the Red Sea for them. Except at Mynt, of course.

In other news, although its inaugural season was not even one percent watchable, Miami Social, we hear, is not entirely dead in our waters, but if Bravo were to ever consider breathing life back into that mess, it will be with a completely new cast.  Also rumored: more Hogans in Miami, another E! reality show, and, of course, Kardashians, because Miami without them is like Miami without sand and palm trees. Stay tuned for more developments as we get them.

The horror! Jersey Shore to film second season in South Beach?

Although they hardly ever went to the beach during their tenure in Seaside last summer, the cast of Jersey Shore is rumored to be packing their bags and readying for a winter in South Beach for their much-talked about second season. According to Bill Zwecker of the Chicago Sun Times, " I'm also hearing that South Beach in Miami is the most likely new setting for the ''Jersey Shore'' troupe -- given taping episodes this winter in New Jersey would be far from beach-like! Los Angeles area communities are also being considered, but Miami Beach is the most likely site." Great news for those who frequent the clubs with no purpose other than hooking up. Now they can take home an STD and a cameo appearance on MTV. 

Update: MTV has asked all Jersey Shore cast members to make sure they had passports, which means they are definitely filming in Miami. Or not. Mynt owner Romain Zago says he declined a request by the show to film footage at his club. Said Zago on a Facebook post, "Let's see who takes that stuff. Replying  to a comment that said "They are not Mynt crowd. Yuck!" Zago added, "Unless we block them at the door."