Scene in the Tropics

The List (hint: you're not on it). Art Basel parties you can't get into

Art Basel Miami Beach has an artist acceptance rate of 38%, yet a party crashing, freeloader acceptance rate of 100+% That being said, it's not going to be easy to worm your way into all the parties even if you go dressed as a hobo--er, boho, an eccentric art person or Olsen twin.

The following are the parties we'd be very impressed if you were able to crash; this list will be updated as more information rolls in, but in the meantime, let's not forget The Greatest Art Basel Party in the History of Mankind, Vanity Fair's 2011 homage to the bacchanalian absurdities:

 

December 3

Arts Club Welcome Reception hosted by Princess Alia Al Senussi at the W South Beach

A member of the Libyan royal family currently in exile, Princess Alia Al Senussi has devoted her time to promoting Middle Eastern art and there's no way you're infiltrating her invite only party. Not even if you say your name is Jill Kelley.

 

December 4-9

Le Baron

Previously held at the Delano--specifically in The Florida Room and its newest incarnation FDR, the uber exclusive satellite of famed Paris nightclub Le Baron is being a bit trickier and nomadic this year to avoid the crashers. The traveling Le Baron will stop at a different location every night from December 4-9. The address will be a secret until 6 p.m. each night and revealed on its new Where is Le Baron iPhone app, its website, Twitter and Facebook. As for those locations, a PR rep tells us, "A mix of old school unexpected Miami venues and brand new ones opening just in time for Basel." Regarding celebrities, says the PR rep, "while we are in talks with people it is our policy not to discuss when they are coming." For the app, go to www.whereislebaron.com. Note: downloading the app and finding out the location does not guarantee entry say the Le Baronites.

Silencio at FDR

The Basel-branch of the Paris club of the same name, Silencio picks up where Le Baron left off, taking over FDR from December 4-8. The only things being silenced here are the whines of those not on the list.

December 5

Jeffrey Deitch / LA MOCA and Vanity Fair's  Annual Beach Party at The Raleigh

This one's always a good one, where true VIPs scope out their own kind to the soundtrack of the latest 'it' band. This year's marquis a decidedly Scandinavian theme, with all Swedes performing:  Andrew Wyatt Blakemore and Pontius Johan Winnberg of indie pop band Miike Snow, pop singer Lykke Li, and Bjorn of Peter Bjorn and John.

  

Chanel & Art.sy Beachside BBQ at Soho Beach House

Hosted by Art.sy (the so-called Pandora of the art world) CEO Carter Cleveland, art dealer Larry Gagosian, Art.sy investor and wife of Rupert, Wendi Murdoch, Pay-Pal co-founder and hedge fund manager Peter Thiel and Russian socialite Dasha Zhukova, this invite only BBQ promises to be a celeb-sizzler, with Drew Barrymore (whose husband, Will Kopelman, is an art dealer), Owen Wilson and Russell Simmons on the guest list.

Valentino's Pop Pois capsule collection launch at The Webster

Valentino and Interview Magazine along with Sofia Sanchez Barrenchea, fashion consultant, creative director and founder of UnderOurSky.com, which sells the latest from Argentinean designers, and the fashionista's DJ Chelsea Leyland, are throwing a private party in celebration of the launch of the luxe label's new polka dot collection. Not even a Dalmatian sporting Valentino is getting into this one unless it's accompanied by, say, Anne Hathaway.

December 6

Visionaire Magazine and Net-A-Porter Art Basel Party at Hyde Beach at the SLS Hotel South Beach

 Uh, next.

NADA VIP Opening Preview at Deauville Beach Resort

This, plus the NADA pool party on the 8th, and if you're not on the list, you're, wait for it and accept our apologies in advance, nada getting in.

Dom Pérignon, Alex Dellal, Stavros Niarchos and Vito Schnabel's late night Luminous Rosé party at Wall

This is the big one that follows the equally hard to penetrate Aby Rosen dinner at The Dutch, an A-lister's, name dropper's nirvana, the one where, last year, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta Jones, Sean Penn and Naomi Campbell all shared the same smoky air with their young, hip art world scions and sirens along with some starlets, stalkers, wanna be's and CW network castoffs. Schnabel, 26, may bring his own A-lister: rumored paramour Demi Moore, 50.

MeUndies + Curtis Kulig "Love Me" at the new Freehand Miami

What do you get when you combine a unisex underwear delivery service with a hot NYC artist and photog at Miami's most hotly anticipated hipster hotel? This party, DJ'ed by--who else--Chelsea Leyland--and one that's not so free for you and me.

Midnight in Miami Celebrating Perrier Presents: The Black Lords by Desi Santiago, a BOFFO project

NYC's philanthropic party planner Josh Wood is doing this one at The Lords South Beach, and while he may be charitable, he's probably not letting you in.

Diane von Furstenberg's Evian Art Basel luncheon at Soho House

You can wrap yourself up like a mummy in DVF, but consider lunch somewhere else unless your name is Barry Diller.

Westway pop-up at the Shore Club

NYC's hipster hangout Westway and SVEDKA Vodka will take over the Red Room from Thursday through Saturday nights. Not stopping there, Westway's Matt Kliegman and Carlos Quirarte will also take their talents to the daytime with their Westgay Pool Party from 4 p.m. to 11 p.m. on December 8. Frankie Sharp hosts and Scissor Sisters' Jake Shears, LE1F and Brooke Candy will perform.

Julian Lennon and Nur Khan host an evening with The Morrison Hotel Gallery at Dream South Beach

The son of John is an arteest in his own respectable right and his party , along with NYC nightlife macher Nur Khan, who is popping open a Basel branch of his Dream Downtown boite Electric Room on the roof of Miami's own Dream, will feature some rare music pix as well as a DJ set by The Kills' Alison Mosshart. Imagine if you got in. Keep dreaming.

Kelly Klein celebrates POOLS photo book launch @ The Webster presented by Caliche Rum

Perhaps if this one was actually taking place at or near a pool, you'd be able to crash via submarine. Alas, nothing, not even an invitation, will likely come between you and Klein.

Arts for a Better World and Overture's Warhol Collector's Dinner

We're sorry, but that tattered poster of Warhol's Marilyn isn't enough to get you into this one. Even if you look like you were just scraped off the floor of Warhol's legendary Factory, we highly doubt you'll get into this one. Same goes for the December 4 VIP opening of “100 Warhols, an Overview: Painting, Drawing, Collage, Unique Work on Paper, Trial Proofs and Edition Prints,” which is being billed as An Evening at Rao's in Miami benefiting the Mt. Carmel-Holy Rosary School of East Harlem. Not even the third cousin of a Corleone can get into Rao's in NYC so why would this be different?

Bentley & Baxter at Internum

The favored ride of ballers and billionaires has teamed up with Italy's swank home design brand to create something you still can't afford. Same goes for the party, to which they are flying the latest Bentleys as well as the people who buy them. We've seen the guest list and while none of us are on it, it's pretty rich.

December 7

Art of Basketball: Heat Wave Exhibition party with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh

If it's Miami, it must be basketball and why not during Art Basel, via a collection of graffiti and street art of the team's biggest ballers? “The creativity is something that I’m very into and I love,” Bosh told NBA TV at last year’s Art Basel Miami Beach, during which he hosted an “Art of Basketball” party. “To have this vision in your head and go for your imagination out on a canvas to what people can see what’s in your brain, I’m really moved by that.” While the exhibition runs from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. December 5-9 (from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.) at 2048 Northwest Miami Court, the party, featuring--who else--DJ Irie, and food from Shake Shack, is as hard to get into as a net being guarded by Udonis Haslem.

Bombay Sapphire Artisan Series Finale at The Moore Building with Russell Simmons

Simmons and his Rush Philanthropic Arts Foundation will unveil the two winning artists who will get to show their works at his Rush Arts Gallery in NYC. Prior to the unveil, Simmons, along with the thinking woman's Real Housewife Ana ("Spell 'Misogynist') Quincoces, will be at a dinner party in Coconut Grove raising money for another non profit, Penn Medicine. Rush not, it's all invite only.

Moncler's 60th Anniversary Party

Down jackets in December isn't that uncommon in Miami contrary to popular belief, but less common is an invitation to the 60th anniversary of the high end French clothing company at an undisclosed location. also impossible to get into is the grand opening of the label's Bal Harbour Boutique featuring Pharrell Williams singing copies of his book, Places and Spaces I've Been. Places he's been invited to. Unlike most people to this party.

VIP Dinner at SLS Hotel South Beach Honoring Domingo Zapata, sponsored by Ferrari and Hublot

Among those expected to be wined and dined: Pat Riley, Ron Burkle, Sofia Vergara, Tommy Hilifiger, Pitbull (!) and Zapata's BFF, Scarlett Johansson. Now that's a motley crew, but not motley enough for someone to notice you don't belong.

December 8

Teenage Paparazzo: A screening and exhibition

The National YoungArts Foundation and YoungArts alumnus, former Entourage star Adrian Grenier hosts a screening of his documentary along with a Q&A on whose panel this writer will proudly sit, answering questions, perhaps, about the cult of celebrity along with our newest celebrity resident, Christian Slater and Seth "Don't Call me a Paparazzo" Browarnik. Also on the guest list not so ironically but oh so fittingly: former Real Housewives of NYC's Jill Zarin. Tickets were limited and now, apparently, sold out.

LCD Soundsystem Book Launch on the roof of the Hotel Victor

For over seven years, photographer Ruvan Wijesooriya has had complete access inside the world of James Murphy and his LCD Soundsystem--unlike you.

Rico Love's Big 3-0

No, it really has nothing to do with Art Basel, but the uber producer who has the numbers of Beyonce, Fergie and Usher on speed dial enters a new decade with a splash--rather, a magnum or twenty--at a private dinner for 100 friends at Katsuya.

Follow @LesleyAbravanel for the latest in Basel BS.

Escape from the tool shed: Ryan Lochte's & The Situation's LIV-ley new bromance

Much parodied Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte was in Miami Sunday for the Dolphins/Jets game where he spent most of the game at Liv’s Sun Life Stadium spot, and then later asking his followers on Twitter where he should go to party despite hash tagging Liv along with his bizarre, toolish, trademarked, uh, catchphrase “Jeah.” Turns out, Lochte took his own advice and did party at Liv “all night” says our source, who added that he “shot the CO2 gun all over The Situation, who had an instant bromance with him. The two hung out all night after having their pick of model-like girls rushing over to both of them all night.” Uh, jeah?

The Real Housewives of Miami loses viewers in its second week

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child, it isn't. Nor is it Pawn Stars, though some would say it's alliteratively something like it). Looks like The Real Housewives of Miami is a niche novelty for a handful of viewers, most who likely come from the city of Miami, watching purely as they would a car accident on the Palmetto during rush hour. Then again, most Miamians you talk to want nothing to do with Bravo's latest. Whatever the case, the numbers were down last night from the previous premiere week.

Viewership during the 9 p.m. time slot last week was 1.066 million as compared to last night's 1.025 million. That's a loss of approximately 41,000 viewers. To the show's credit, however, the in-your-face immediate rerun aired at 10 p.m. last night attracted (or repelled) an additional 815,000 viewers or people still sleeping from that confounding, mind numbing, nonsensical texting caper "plot" of the original airing, according to TV By the Numbers.

To put it into perspective, last night's episode of Glee, the Britney one, airing against RHOM in the 9 p.m. slot, garnered a whopping 7.42 million viewers, some who may have tuned into the RHOM repeat at 10. In fairness, the Housewives don't rake in numbers like that; The Real Housewives of NYC's Monday episode brought in 1.989 million viewers. Honey Boo Boo's Wednesday night episode had 2.157 million voyeurs. When Honey Boo Boo meets Elsa Patton, the ratings will be through the roof.

The Real Housewives of Miami 2.0 gets off to a slow, rubbernecking start

The Real Housewives of Miami's premiere episode was as if the city of Miami went out on a long bender of stereotypes and spent the entire next day hurling over the toilet bowl. We've got the fiery Latinas, the smarmy, "wealthy" boyfriends, the boobs, the waterfront estates, the boobs, the models, and more boobs. As another housewife from another city famously said, "Money can't buy you class," and everyone knows that The Real Housewives franchise is to class as Teen Mom is to abstinence.

That being said, there are hints of class in some of the cast members, namely Lea Black, wife of famous attorney Roy and about whom many wonder what the hell she is doing on the show besides promoting her skin care line (or surgeon) that has obviously been very good to her. In terms of class, Black is truly out of her element. But we'll see if that remains so as the trainwreck starts careening out of control off the track.

With no need to do a recap of the dizzying, mostly dull first episode, it's easy to sum most of the women up: professionals (some, allegedly, in more ways than one) whose current, impressive (dentist, lawyer, publicist) careers obviously aren't enough to satisfy them. They want more. More money, more fame, and by golly, they will do whatever it takes to stand out on this show even if it means coming off as a telenovela cast off who got fired for overacting. And who can blame them, really? But to achieve fame, they'll need to do a whole lot more than re-Tweet fawning fan mail ("Team [Insert Name of Fave Housewife as If She's a Derby Horse or an NBA Franchise]" hashtag, excamation points) from lonely, celeb-obsessed followers sitting at home alone with their cats unable to get replies from actual celebrities. A root canal is really cool, but it's not going to get you on the cover of Us Weekly. There's the rub.

What will get them on the covers of any magazines (including Modern Science if it still exists) is the elephant in the room: Elsa Patton, a dramatic device of Shakespearean proportion and someone without whom this show could never survive. Call it exploitative, call it cruel, call it scary, but Patton is the Honey Boo Boo Child/Big Ang/Snooki of this franchise and everyone else has no choice but to, er, pale in comparison. No amounts of plastic surgery, implants or even money can compete. For better or for worse, this show needs her. And it is due to that rubbernecking reflex that this writer, among many others, will continue to watch even if it is up against Glee a show about, you know, talent.

Patton, incidentally, will be laughing her own way to the plastic surgeon's office bank: She, of course, now has her own coffee line and her own Bravo web series, both which go by the name Havana Elsa.

As for the general public's consensus, it was all about Elsa with some sprinklings of comments about model Joanna Krupa's beauty and the irony of her upgrading, not downgrading remark considering where she's making them--on a television "reality" show.

Bravo definitely missed the Miami boat by not starting this series years ago, when people still had patience to follow the vapid, insipid lives of "regular" rich folk. Like some of the women on this show, it's past its prime. Today, people would rather commiserate with the real "real" people, following the so-called white trash, wacked out woes of the working class. The women on Miami aren't working, they're just working it (some really, really, painfully hard)--something that's a little too late for the reality TV bubble. 

[Full disclosure: A few of the cast members on this show are this writer's personal friends and/or acquaintances]

Real Housewives of Miami premiere ratings: 1.066 mil viewers compared to NFL at 8.5m, Pawn Stars 2.2m, Project Runway 2m, Snooki & JWoww 1.5m (Source: http://tvbythenumbers.zap2it.com/2012/09/14/thursday-cable-ratings-thursday-night-football-tops-night-awkward-sullivan-son-snooki-jwoww-project-runway-impractical-jokers-more/148643/)

Caption This: Elsa Patton strikes a pose for The Real Housewives of Miami

Although it was a benefit for The Little Lighthouse Foundation, a non-profit organization that "rallies volunteers and conducts high-profile events to benefit children and their families throughout South Florida," Saturday night's Hearts & Stars gala at the home of socialite Malinka Max (more on her later) and George Wallner turned out to be yet another opportunistic spectacle by The Real Housewives of Miami, namely Elsa Patton, who we are told was overheard complaining "What is this horrible event? I'm ready to go." We can't tell you whether or not the event was horrible--not everyone loves a splashy gala. What we can tell you is that the producers are completely exploiting "Mama Elsa" as a sideshow attraction in order to keep those rubbernecking viewers coming back for more. As for Malinka Max, a socialite whom some say would have been an excellent addition to this cast, we're told "She was horrible on camera." How much worse than the others could she possibly be?  Anyway, stay tuned as the cameras continue to film at the opening of every envelope and toilet lid around town.

When it comes to these Housewives shows, there's several sides of a story: hers, hers, hers, hers, the "truth" and the truth. Shortly after posting the above, we received this photo with a comment that Patton had a blast and danced all night. "She danced all night even after being accidentally kicked in the head by one of the new cast members," says our informant. Kicked in the head by one of the new cast members. Hey,the show must go on. Slapshtick only by Bravo.

Faux real: Jersey Shore's Situation with Boca Tanning Club

While the Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino may not be the poster child for Reading Is Fundamental or even Rosetta Stone, he is one of the most orange-hued quite the proponent of the fake and bake, which is why it makes sense that he is now a partner in Boca Tanning Club, the 24-hour franchise in NY, Florida and Texas.

“We are thrilled to have Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino join the Boca Tanning Club team as a partner in the company and we couldn’t be more excited about his enthusiasm and commitment to expanding the Boca Tanning Club brand nationally,” said Jen Boronico, owner of Boca Tanning Opportunities, Inc. “Mr. Sorrentino believes so much in the BTC concept that he has plans to open several of his own BTC franchises!”

This latest gig will be among many of Sorrentino's money making endorsements and endeavors, including a fragrance and his own line of Valtrex men's formalwear.

The Real Housewives of Miami season 2? And you thought bad things came in threes.

Rumor has it that the hot mess known as The Real Housewives of Miami is being given a second chance. But before you Baker Act Andy Cohen, we're told that the show's original producers and casting agents have been axed and that Bravo's bringing its own staff. That staff, incidentally, is in Miami this weekend to reevaluate and re-interview the original cast to see if they are Season 2-worthy. As those of us who watched wondered, were they ever Season 1-worthy? Rhetorical question. "Not everyone will be back," says our source. Well that's a good start. We contacted Bravo for comment and, says Bravo's Senior Press Manager Kristen Andersen, "We haven't made any announcements regarding a second season."

Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin heading down to film Rock of Ages--in Ft. Lauderdale

 
Who can forget Tom Cruise (and wifebot Katie Holmes) boogeying down in the front row of the J-Lo concert during the Super Bowl a few years ago? Or that night the Cruises headed over to the unfortunately named, now defunct night spot Snatch? For those holding on to those memories, new ones may be available when Cruise heads down south next month to film the big screen version of the hit Broadway musical Rock of Ages, (shameless name drop alert!) whose producer Scott Prisand incidentally happens to be an old  a still very youthful high school chum and fellow Model UN delegate  student, of course. Thing is, if you want to stalk, you may have to schlep as the movie, says the Sun Sentinel, will be filming entirely in the Fort Lauderdale area. FLL, it seems, best resembles Venice Beach, CA, where ROA is set. They may be right, though we think the Hollywood Beach Broadwalk would be the best location. Anyway, joining Cruise in FLL are castmates Alec Baldwin, Paul Giamatti, Julianne Hough and Mary J. Blige. While the cast may indeed pop down to Miami during the two month shoot for a little R&R, we'll be surprised if Baldwin does. At a Hamptons Film Festival party a few years ago, the 30 Rock star told us unabashedly that he was no fan of the Magic City. Perhaps he's just holding a grudge over the reviews for his 1990 flick Miami Blues?

Guess? who? Not Lady Gaga, say fans

 

It was the Tweet heard round the Twitterverse--"OMG (thanks, Oxford), Lady Gaga is on Lincoln Road!!!!!!!!!!!!" And before you had a chance to laugh, it was followed up by another Tweet saying she was not only on South Beach's most populated commercial thoroughfare the morning after performing in Vegas, but she was shopping at Guess? Many things have been said about this Lady Gaga phenomenon, you know, that she's a Madonna ripoff  whole is she a he or a she thing, among other things, but most people and her fans are in agreement about one thing: the musical slash fashion enigma would never be shopping in Guess? That said, it didn't stop the clothing store from jumping on the opportunity to promote the unconfirmed sighting, sending out the above picture with the following item:

Spotted – Lady Gaga along with her assistant and five security guards were seen shopping at the GUESS by Marciano Lincoln Road store on Sunday, March 27 at approximately 12:15 pm. The crowd was getting so out of control that security needed to shut down the store so Lady Gaga and her assistant could browse the latest deliveries. After trying on an assortment of dresses and skirts, Lady Gaga purchased the Lucy Lace Skirt before exiting the store.

Here's the skirt. Says one Gaga insider, the only way this person was born, (sorry, we couldn't resist), was as a born imposter. "Nope..that's not Gaga....that's some tacky ho... plus Gaga would never be at Guess...she just modeled at the Thierry Mugler fashion show in Paris." If there were camera crews there, maybe it was for the Lady Gaga Lifetime movie? Someone should introduce faux Gaga to that faux Rod Stewart who seems to have found his own sort of fame around town. We're pretty sure he's shopped at the Guess? store, too.

Valtrex alert: Jersey Shore Season 2 flaring up for July debut

Jersey Shore

Poor South Beach, suffering from that not so fresh feeling after the inexplicably popular MTV virus known as Jersey Shore polluted our beloved beach town. And just when you thought we got rid of it, that virus is about to infect the airwaves when it relapses debuts on Thursday, July 29 at 10 p.m. on that channel that used to play music videos. We're itching from the trailer already. In a way, it's sort of like watching the JonBenet Ramsey story on Lifetime that show Toddlers and Tiaras in which innocent children are tarted up and pimped out for publicity. You can' t help but cringe, and you can't help but watch, either. At your own risk, of course.