October 12, 2012
October 05, 2012
Looks like The Real Housewives of Miami audience is shrinking faster than the post partum waistline of a bona fide Hollywood celebrity. Last night's 9 p.m. numbers were a dismal 847,000, dropping a whopping 120,000 viewers from the previous week's 967,000. This, despite the TMZification of some of the cast members (see: Joanna "I'm Not a Hooker" Krupa and Alexia Echevarria's son's heinous, criminal behavior), which failed to lure in viewers. Unlike previous weeks in which Bravo tries to catch a later crowd, there was no prime time repeat last night.
Those numbers are, again, worse than the lowest rated episode of the DC edition of the Bravo franchise (1.1 million), which was eventually canceled. Though no one offical is saying anything about cutting Miami from the network, some are saying that it looks to be inevitable. Again, for perspective, a very dubious perspective at that, Jersey Shore's season premiere last night had over 4.6 million drunk people tuning in. The horror.
September 28, 2012
Last night was a big TV night, but not for the ladies of The Real Housewives of Miami, unfortunately. The show's viewership has tanked again, this time going from last week's 9 p.m. numbers of 1.025 million viewers to last night's 0.967 which, in ratings talk means 967,000 viewers. Yikes. According to BravoRatings.com, that's worse than the lowest rated episode of The Real Housewives of D.C. (1.1 million), which Bravo cancelled.
To compare, though there's really no comparison, The Real Housewives of New Jersey on Sunday scored a whopping 3.4 million viewers; Wednesday night's finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo brought in 2.7 million and last night's Grey's Anatomy premiere, airing at the same time as RHOM, had 11.7 million people tuning in, according to TV By the Numbers.
The RHOM rerun at 10 p.m. also lost viewers compared to last week: last week's rerun had 815,000 viewers while last night's dropped to 711,000.
Despite the numbers (or lack thereof) speaking volumes and a general apathy about the show, the Twitterverse was abuzz last night over the debut of drag personality Elaine Lancaster, who eventually gets into it with the show's main sideshow, Elsa Patton. Maybe they should have put her on the first episode and, come to think of it, on the first season? Oh well. Perhaps Lancaster's celebrity BFF Pamela Anderson can help bring in some viewers now that she has some free time on her hands after being booted from Dancing With the Stars. Stay tuned. We dare you.
September 21, 2012
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child, it isn't. Nor is it Pawn Stars, though some would say it's alliteratively something like it). Looks like The Real Housewives of Miami is a niche novelty for a handful of viewers, most who likely come from the city of Miami, watching purely as they would a car accident on the Palmetto during rush hour. Then again, most Miamians you talk to want nothing to do with Bravo's latest. Whatever the case, the numbers were down last night from the previous premiere week.
Viewership during the 9 p.m. time slot last week was 1.066 million as compared to last night's 1.025 million. That's a loss of approximately 41,000 viewers. To the show's credit, however, the in-your-face immediate rerun aired at 10 p.m. last night attracted (or repelled) an additional 815,000 viewers or people still sleeping from that confounding, mind numbing, nonsensical texting caper "plot" of the original airing, according to TV By the Numbers.
To put it into perspective, last night's episode of Glee, the Britney one, airing against RHOM in the 9 p.m. slot, garnered a whopping 7.42 million viewers, some who may have tuned into the RHOM repeat at 10. In fairness, the Housewives don't rake in numbers like that; The Real Housewives of NYC's Monday episode brought in 1.989 million viewers. Honey Boo Boo's Wednesday night episode had 2.157 million voyeurs. When Honey Boo Boo meets Elsa Patton, the ratings will be through the roof.
September 14, 2012
The Real Housewives of Miami's premiere episode was as if the city of Miami went out on a long bender of stereotypes and spent the entire next day hurling over the toilet bowl. We've got the fiery Latinas, the smarmy, "wealthy" boyfriends, the boobs, the waterfront estates, the boobs, the models, and more boobs. As another housewife from another city famously said, "Money can't buy you class," and everyone knows that The Real Housewives franchise is to class as Teen Mom is to abstinence.
That being said, there are hints of class in some of the cast members, namely Lea Black, wife of famous attorney Roy and about whom many wonder what the hell she is doing on the show besides promoting her skin care line (or surgeon) that has obviously been very good to her. In terms of class, Black is truly out of her element. But we'll see if that remains so as the trainwreck starts careening out of control off the track.
With no need to do a recap of the dizzying, mostly dull first episode, it's easy to sum most of the women up: professionals (some, allegedly, in more ways than one) whose current, impressive (dentist, lawyer, publicist) careers obviously aren't enough to satisfy them. They want more. More money, more fame, and by golly, they will do whatever it takes to stand out on this show even if it means coming off as a telenovela cast off who got fired for overacting. And who can blame them, really? But to achieve fame, they'll need to do a whole lot more than re-Tweet fawning fan mail ("Team [Insert Name of Fave Housewife as If She's a Derby Horse or an NBA Franchise]" hashtag, excamation points) from lonely, celeb-obsessed followers sitting at home alone with their cats unable to get replies from actual celebrities. A root canal is really cool, but it's not going to get you on the cover of Us Weekly. There's the rub.
What will get them on the covers of any magazines (including Modern Science if it still exists) is the elephant in the room: Elsa Patton, a dramatic device of Shakespearean proportion and someone without whom this show could never survive. Call it exploitative, call it cruel, call it scary, but Patton is the Honey Boo Boo Child/Big Ang/Snooki of this franchise and everyone else has no choice but to, er, pale in comparison. No amounts of plastic surgery, implants or even money can compete. For better or for worse, this show needs her. And it is due to that rubbernecking reflex that this writer, among many others, will continue to watch even if it is up against Glee a show about, you know, talent.
Patton, incidentally, will be laughing her own way to the plastic surgeon's office bank: She, of course, now has her own coffee line and her own Bravo web series, both which go by the name Havana Elsa.
As for the general public's consensus, it was all about Elsa with some sprinklings of comments about model Joanna Krupa's beauty and the irony of her upgrading, not downgrading remark considering where she's making them--on a television "reality" show.
Bravo definitely missed the Miami boat by not starting this series years ago, when people still had patience to follow the vapid, insipid lives of "regular" rich folk. Like some of the women on this show, it's past its prime. Today, people would rather commiserate with the real "real" people, following the so-called white trash, wacked out woes of the working class. The women on Miami aren't working, they're just working it (some really, really, painfully hard)--something that's a little too late for the reality TV bubble.
[Full disclosure: A few of the cast members on this show are this writer's personal friends and/or acquaintances]
Real Housewives of Miami premiere ratings: 1.066 mil viewers compared to NFL at 8.5m, Pawn Stars 2.2m, Project Runway 2m, Snooki & JWoww 1.5m (Source: http://tvbythenumbers.zap2it.com/2012/09/14/thursday-cable-ratings-thursday-night-football-tops-night-awkward-sullivan-son-snooki-jwoww-project-runway-impractical-jokers-more/148643/)
March 23, 2012
It wasn't enough for Dr. Michael Salzhauer to offer free nose jobs to anyone who could make a better video than the one made for The Groggers' questionable parody Jewcan Sam (A Nose Job Love Song). Today, the doc announced a plastic surgery scholarship for members of the Orthodox Jewish singles community. Salzhauer wants to do a mitzvah or two to "help singles in the Orthodox community who are struggling to find their perfect match." But there's a catch. "Applicants must be referred for the surgery through their local matchmakers or 'Shadchan' to determine their needs and for scholarship approval." “I was inspired to help after reading an article on JewishPress.com documenting a mother’s process of finding her son a wife. There are more women than men in the Orthodox community creating more competition to find their perfect man. I am more than happy to donate my expertise to help these men and women find their perfect match,” Salzhauer says. The singles scene is pretty cutthroat these days, so why not cut that throat and make it tighter while falling in love? Watch out, Patti Stanger, you may have some competition here.
March 13, 2012
Although it was a benefit for The Little Lighthouse Foundation, a non-profit organization that "rallies volunteers and conducts high-profile events to benefit children and their families throughout South Florida," Saturday night's Hearts & Stars gala at the home of socialite Malinka Max (more on her later) and George Wallner turned out to be yet another opportunistic spectacle by The Real Housewives of Miami, namely Elsa Patton, who we are told was overheard complaining "What is this horrible event? I'm ready to go." We can't tell you whether or not the event was horrible--not everyone loves a splashy gala. What we can tell you is that the producers are completely exploiting "Mama Elsa" as a sideshow attraction in order to keep those rubbernecking viewers coming back for more. As for Malinka Max, a socialite whom some say would have been an excellent addition to this cast, we're told "She was horrible on camera." How much worse than the others could she possibly be? Anyway, stay tuned as the cameras continue to film at the opening of every envelope and toilet lid around town.
When it comes to these Housewives shows, there's several sides of a story: hers, hers, hers, hers, the "truth" and the truth. Shortly after posting the above, we received this photo with a comment that Patton had a blast and danced all night. "She danced all night even after being accidentally kicked in the head by one of the new cast members," says our informant. Kicked in the head by one of the new cast members. Hey,the show must go on. Slapshtick only by Bravo.
March 05, 2012
The castmembers of The Real Housewives of Miami continue to post pictures on assorted social media channels, trying to convince themselves everyone that all is swell and eagerly attempting to build up a speck or two of public interest, but we can't help but notice Rush Limbaugh's favorite drag queen, Elaine Lancaster, in many of them, unlike the first season, when many of the ladies were allegedly jealous of her, er, commanding presence. This season, however, producers don't care and want the jealousy. Says one insider "The ladies were so worried that Elaine would appear as the breakout star, so they complained to Bravo, who then forced Lancaster to lay low. Now producers want that jealousy, so they welcome Elaine." So who else will hover in the drag queen's shadow? A third new castmember has emerged and is pictured to Lancaster's left in this photo taken yesterday when the Housewives crashed the annual gay gathering known as Winter Party: Ana Quincoces, someone whom we know from our other job as editor of Eater Miami as a full time lawyer, part time chef and bigtime networker who managed to campaign herself all the way to last year's title of Eater's Hottest Chef in Miami. Says one castmember who is already exuding insecurities, "She's not too exciting, but sweet." That may be debatable, but what's not debatable is the fact that it took casting agents a helluva long time to find willing and able participants for the second go around, making many realize that maybe most Miami women are smarter than people think. And so it begins...
February 08, 2012
Proving yet again that Nostradamus may not have been so far off about 2012, Bravo is allegedly, actually, unbelievably going forward with a second season of The Real Housewives of Miami, but, like many of its castmembers, it's going to be a retweaked version of the hideous, poorly rated original. Hollywood Reporter has confirmed this, while Bravo remains noncomittal confirmed it a day later, but we also have it on excellent authority that two of the new "wives" are model and ex Dancing With the Stars contestant Joanna Krupa, who, we think is still engaged to Mynt nightclub owner Romain Zago (who ironically refused to allow Jersey Shore to film in his club), and Lisa Hochstein, the wife of plastic surgeon Lenny of the short-lived Bravo version of Nip/Tuck called Miami Slice. Beverly Hills it ain't, and although Miami has proven to be ratings posion for the reality show network, we hear that the real reason that a second season was even considered wasn't the new, willing and eager castmembers who were harder to find than Bin Laden, but the curiosity that is Elsa Patton, for whom Andy Cohen has a fancy or something. Still, others say it's not definite and it's just a test. "They're filming with these new women to see if it makes it more watchable, which compared to the first season, shouldn't be that hard," says one TV insider. We'd go to Bravo for confirmation, but they keep giving us the standard canned "No decision has been made on The Real Housewives of Miami." Their unwillingness to admit to this isn't surprising. Filming is set to start soon so keep an eye out for the cameras capturing all that feigned camaraderie and, they can only hope, more drama than the first season's slow, painful IV drip of, well, absolutely nothing.
Update: Bravo finally confirmed the second season, saying "The Real Housewives of Miami follows a group of the most beautiful, connected and influential women in town who work hard and play harder. This
season will give viewers an inside look at these aspirational women as
they juggle family, work and the fabulous social scene in a city where the food is spicy, and the drama is even spicier." Pass the Tums. We can't stomach the excitement.
January 16, 2012
In keeping with the whole 1%, and the rich just keep getting richer thing, for his 30th birthday, Dwyane Wade received a brand new, 2012 McLaren MP4-12C from Ken Gorin, president and CEO of Coral Gables luxe car dealership The Collection, who was not so surprisingly a sponsor in Wade's multi-sponsored birthday bash last night at The Setai (see: Hennessy, Belvedere, Dom Perignon--who gifted Wade with a 1982 vintage, Hublot Watches--who gave him a King Power Unico Gold Pave watch worth some peoples' annual salaries, and many more), attended by his Heat pals, Usher, Flo Rida, Rick Ross, Common, Kelly Rowland, and T.I., among others.
The custom ordered car was actually designed by Wade in "Fire Black" with two tone "Saddle Tan/Carbon Black" leather interior. The one-of-a-kind 12C boasts custom alloy wheel center caps with Wade’s signature logo as well as a specialty “WADE” emblem for the rear, WADE Limited Edition side badges and dedication plates on the inside door panels that read "Hand assembled in the United Kingdon in recognition of Dwyane Wade's 30th Birthday."
We asked Christy Cartaya, The Collection's director of PR, whether the car was actually a gift or a purchase, to which she replied, "It was a gift – Dwyane is our brand ambassador and spokesperson. We consider him part of our 'family'." Apparently so do many other companies as well.