Scene in the Tropics

Faux Real & Holy Matriphony: A Real Housewives of Miami wedding & other bamboozlery

If only feigned drama caused faux frown lines, the women of The Real Housewives of Miami would save a lot of time and money on injections. But enough about Botox. We're hearing a whole lotta nonsense going on in an attempt by some of the women to emerge either as relevant or, as they all not so secretly wish, as the coveted 'breakout star'. And what lengths some will go in a vain attempt to achieve that. According to our on and off set sources, a huge chunk of drama once again centers around a blog post we did back when the second season came to a flaccid finish.

It all started back in January when a tweet by a sleuth named Beth from Texas revealed that cast member Adriana de Moura (who, incidentally, was also allegedly married to someone else in Texas) had already been married to her so-called boyfriend, Frederic Marq since November 4, 2008. While the news created a tiny rumble in the Neverland that is reality TV, it allegedly solidified de Moura's place in the show's third season. That wasn't always the case, however.

"Some of the cast members got wind of the fact that they were going to be axed and conspired to try to get Adriana fired from the show for lying to Bravo in order to save their own asses," says our reality television Deep Throat. "They put it out there and it backfired because Adriana was asked back."

Lying is putting it midly, considering the fact that de Moura was moaning and groaning for two seasons on the show as to whether or not marry the man to whom she was secretly betrothed. While she won't win any Oscars for her performance, she did win a third season despite her lying to the network and to her own publicist, who told us back in January that de Moura and Marc got married on a whim and that there was a typo in the marriage certificate.

Let's break this down, shall we? A whim doesn't take 30 days to apply for as does a marriage license. Miami may have its debauchery, but it ain't Vegas. And as for that typo, it had something to do with the difference between her real maiden name Moura and her assumed maiden name de Moura. Semantics is all it was. de Moura is a married woman whether she likes it or not. We can't wait to hear how she spins this on season three. Hopefully she won't bring in her young son as a dramatic device. That would just be tacky.

Now it seems that de Moura, unbeknownst to her, has aligned herself with at least one of the spreaders of the news that has now become her official season three storyline, one that would have Shakespeare rolling over in his grave. What de Moura fails to realize is that her marriage certificate is public record. No leakage necessary. "Adriana blames Lea Black for leaking the story to the press," says our insider. Black, for those who were wise enough to avoid the show's freshman season, was once de Moura's very own Norma Rae. But that was then. Betrayal, only by Bravo.

In the meantime, however, de Moura is going along with her own story, having a May 17 wedding at the Coral Gables Congregational Church, followed by a reception at The Biltmore, despite the fact that she's been married since Beyonce released her women's empowerment anthem 'Single Ladies.' We got our hands on a copy of the lengthy 9-page Evite--er, invitation, which has strict instructions on how to attend a pretend wedding.

"Adriana and Frederic's wedding and the reception are being heavily featured on Season 3 of 'The Real Housewives of Miami,'" begins the "Wedding Reception Dress Code Inspiration" written by "the producers and event producer" Rick Campbell. "We are planning a beautiful affair and your participation is an important part of our special day. Your wardrobe selections will play a significant role in the overall look, feel and ambiance of the scenes, so we have attached an inspiration mood board to give you an idea of the dress codes we are requesting . . . Bravo has become known for their high profile events and weddings on camera, so we want to be sure that Adriana and Frederic's event goes down in the Bravo history books."

Nothing says love and romance like an an inspiration mood board! One that goes on almost as long as this post featuring photos of Sofia Vergara, some unrecognizable royals and assorted Vogue photo spreads. This certainly will go down in someone's book, that's for sure! Oh, and the not-so-newlyweds are registered at Saks. Click here for that invitation, obtained by an invitee who claims they "don't even know these people."

"Adriana is doing whatever she can to become the breakout star," says the source. That even includes her fianc--er, husband, Marq, who has been spotted frantically running around town asking anyone who would listen if they knew of any high end fabulous types who'd be willing to appear at this grand affair. Yep, he's casting for his own wedding. Can you say holy matriphony?

"Frederic is trying to recruit beautiful people as their 'friends' to attend the wedding. Adriana is determined to be the star of the show and outshine Joanna at all costs. She's begging and bartering, all to appear fabulous!" Correction: it's not a wedding and, if anything besides a gratuitous attempt to attract attention, it's more like a vow renewal, if anything.

Speaking of the comely Joanna Krupa, whose own wedding to on again fiance and South Beach club owner Romain Zago will be filmed in Los Angeles, we hear that de Moura has been overheard complaining that RHOM is "becoming the Joanna show," so it sounds like she is going to have to work a little harder than having a faux wedding and a boozy bachelorette party at hip hop hot spot Bamboo, conveniently a client of castmember turned 'friend of the Housewives' Marysol Patton.

Yup, it appears Patton has been demoted. We asked her about it and all she would say is "It is that time of year when RHOM and my life collide." Speaking of colliding, what of Lisa Hochstein, Ana Quincoces and Alexia Echevarria? While Hochstein seem to be on Team Krupa, Quincoces, along with Patton, is on team de Moura. Echevarria seems to be a floater. Good grief.

"It is an extremely orchestrated, fictional account of the demented sense these women call reality," says one insider. Indeed. And one we have no doubt the show's producers will spin into a tantalizing television tizzy.

Beyonce dumps Jay Z's dog houses and three Miami Beach condos

You have to wonder what the purpose was for that tiny little studio Beyonce sold at the Green Diamond on December 12---shoes, weaves, Jay-Z when he was naughty? Whatever the case, that so-called cabana was nothing, y'all. Turns out the expectant mother unloaded 3 direct oceanfront units combined to make a total of 5,520 square feet and two cabanas in the Green Diamond. Though she paid $2.395 million back in 2002 for all three units, purchased directly from the developer, she sold 'em all for $2.9 million, according to Kevin Tomlinson, vice president of ONE Sotheby's International Realty. The cabanas were sold to two different buyers who own condos at the Diamonds, and the condos were bought for $2.7 by Miamians Martiniano and Sofia Perez after just two months on the market, Tomlinson said. Contrary to TMZ's reports that Beyonce paid $465,000 for a 190 square foot studio she then sold for $110,000, Beyonce cashed in bigtime, adding to her ever growing net worth. As for the reports of the Z's purchasing another place in Miami--not so says an inside source, not so at all.

Big hair, big egos & Miami posing as Hollywood: typical day or Rock of Ages trailer?

Here's the official trailer of Rock of Ages, the Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Paul Giamatti, Russell Brand, Mary J. Blige, Catherine Zeta-Jones and more movie filmed in Miami, which, in not too big of a departure, masked itself as gritty '80s Hollywood, CA for a bit. We had a grittier, more surreptitious trailer from the set of the movie, but Big Brother--er, Warner Brothers blocked it. Enjoy or something.

Celebrity magnet Beacher's Madhouse honing in on permanent Miami location

Big things come in small packages, indeed, especially when it comes to the celeb-packed Beacher's Madhouse, the bawdy sideshow currently housed in Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel, where anything goes--especially height restrictions. We have it on excellent authority that the show's creator Jeff Beacher, has been taking meetings in Miami for the past couple of months with several local hotel groups, looking for a permanent location for his madness. His partner and creative director Kelly Osbourne was in town a few weeks ago to scout locations. The theatre in Los Angeles has attracted every celebrity from Johnny Depp and Sandra Bullock to the young stars like Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato, both who recently celebrated their 19th birthdays there. Following his breakup with Courteney Cox and prior to his breakdown, David Arquette was spending lots of time amongst the show's burlesque dancers and dozens of little people performers including Mini Nicki Minaj, Mini Rhianna, and a mini mixologist making "Mar Tinys." Small folk and enormous egos. Sounds perfect for Miami. We'll keep you posted.