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September 22, 2009

Fish out of water: Dolphins with the stars


You would have thought last night's home opener featuring the Miami Dolphins and the Indianaopolis Colts was the Super Bowl based on all the hype and police-escorted black Escalades rushing through the parking lot and beating traffic. Alas, it was just a regular game, but this time in the new (new as in facelifted to the tune of, say, some Botox, a nose job and a new husband) Landshark Stadium, featuring the new celebrity owners and their closest friends. Oh, and an orange (get it?) carpet on which said famous folk strike a pose for fans who usually go nuts for big beefy guys in helmets. We must say it was quite the scene over there last night, like nothing this non football fan has ever seen. It was kind of exciting to drive behind the chauffeured Escalade that whisked Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony through the tailgating traffic and straight to the entrance of that orange carpet. It was also sort of thrilling to accidentally walk down that carpet much to the disappointment of camera phone toting fans expecting that famous couple or another one, the Estefans, or that other duo who now own a share of Miami's beloved Dolphins otherwise known as Venus and Serena Williams. Speaking of the sisters, they towered over the crowd in four inch heels and mingled for two minutes in the brand new Ocean Drive Club located on the field level where VIPs sipped champagne and nibbled on caviar up until kickoff. Was this really a football game or was it a football themed party put on by Barton G. on South Beach? We tried to ask the stadium's sugar daddy, Jimmy Buffett, but he was busy performing his hit turned Dolphins theme song for a dazzled, starstruck crowd. We also wanted to ask T-Pain, with whom we shared an elevator as we searched for signs that this was actually a real football game, but he was busy trying to figure it out for himself. As for Tiger Woods and Helio Castroneves, they're sports guys and were like human camouflage, blending right into the crowd in a way that J-Lo could never, not that she'd want to.  We looked to the TVs for an answer and saw a brief snippet of former US House majority leader Tom Delay getting jiggy to Wild Thing on Dancing With the Stars and that was when things really got confusing. It was only until we found our way into the Sideline Club, which is really just a cordoned off area on the 30 yard line for die hard football fans, that we realized this was the reason why everyone was here. The anthem, the flyover, and it was game on. And even though our team lost, there was a lengthy time when if you turned to someone sporting orange and blue out there and asked if they saw J-Lo, they may have answered, "who?"

Photo: Manny Hernandez