Scene in the Tropics

Faux Real & Holy Matriphony: A Real Housewives of Miami wedding & other bamboozlery

If only feigned drama caused faux frown lines, the women of The Real Housewives of Miami would save a lot of time and money on injections. But enough about Botox. We're hearing a whole lotta nonsense going on in an attempt by some of the women to emerge either as relevant or, as they all not so secretly wish, as the coveted 'breakout star'. And what lengths some will go in a vain attempt to achieve that. According to our on and off set sources, a huge chunk of drama once again centers around a blog post we did back when the second season came to a flaccid finish.

It all started back in January when a tweet by a sleuth named Beth from Texas revealed that cast member Adriana de Moura (who, incidentally, was also allegedly married to someone else in Texas) had already been married to her so-called boyfriend, Frederic Marq since November 4, 2008. While the news created a tiny rumble in the Neverland that is reality TV, it allegedly solidified de Moura's place in the show's third season. That wasn't always the case, however.

"Some of the cast members got wind of the fact that they were going to be axed and conspired to try to get Adriana fired from the show for lying to Bravo in order to save their own asses," says our reality television Deep Throat. "They put it out there and it backfired because Adriana was asked back."

Lying is putting it midly, considering the fact that de Moura was moaning and groaning for two seasons on the show as to whether or not marry the man to whom she was secretly betrothed. While she won't win any Oscars for her performance, she did win a third season despite her lying to the network and to her own publicist, who told us back in January that de Moura and Marc got married on a whim and that there was a typo in the marriage certificate.

Let's break this down, shall we? A whim doesn't take 30 days to apply for as does a marriage license. Miami may have its debauchery, but it ain't Vegas. And as for that typo, it had something to do with the difference between her real maiden name Moura and her assumed maiden name de Moura. Semantics is all it was. de Moura is a married woman whether she likes it or not. We can't wait to hear how she spins this on season three. Hopefully she won't bring in her young son as a dramatic device. That would just be tacky.

Now it seems that de Moura, unbeknownst to her, has aligned herself with at least one of the spreaders of the news that has now become her official season three storyline, one that would have Shakespeare rolling over in his grave. What de Moura fails to realize is that her marriage certificate is public record. No leakage necessary. "Adriana blames Lea Black for leaking the story to the press," says our insider. Black, for those who were wise enough to avoid the show's freshman season, was once de Moura's very own Norma Rae. But that was then. Betrayal, only by Bravo.

In the meantime, however, de Moura is going along with her own story, having a May 17 wedding at the Coral Gables Congregational Church, followed by a reception at The Biltmore, despite the fact that she's been married since Beyonce released her women's empowerment anthem 'Single Ladies.' We got our hands on a copy of the lengthy 9-page Evite--er, invitation, which has strict instructions on how to attend a pretend wedding.

"Adriana and Frederic's wedding and the reception are being heavily featured on Season 3 of 'The Real Housewives of Miami,'" begins the "Wedding Reception Dress Code Inspiration" written by "the producers and event producer" Rick Campbell. "We are planning a beautiful affair and your participation is an important part of our special day. Your wardrobe selections will play a significant role in the overall look, feel and ambiance of the scenes, so we have attached an inspiration mood board to give you an idea of the dress codes we are requesting . . . Bravo has become known for their high profile events and weddings on camera, so we want to be sure that Adriana and Frederic's event goes down in the Bravo history books."

Nothing says love and romance like an an inspiration mood board! One that goes on almost as long as this post featuring photos of Sofia Vergara, some unrecognizable royals and assorted Vogue photo spreads. This certainly will go down in someone's book, that's for sure! Oh, and the not-so-newlyweds are registered at Saks. Click here for that invitation, obtained by an invitee who claims they "don't even know these people."

"Adriana is doing whatever she can to become the breakout star," says the source. That even includes her fianc--er, husband, Marq, who has been spotted frantically running around town asking anyone who would listen if they knew of any high end fabulous types who'd be willing to appear at this grand affair. Yep, he's casting for his own wedding. Can you say holy matriphony?

"Frederic is trying to recruit beautiful people as their 'friends' to attend the wedding. Adriana is determined to be the star of the show and outshine Joanna at all costs. She's begging and bartering, all to appear fabulous!" Correction: it's not a wedding and, if anything besides a gratuitous attempt to attract attention, it's more like a vow renewal, if anything.

Speaking of the comely Joanna Krupa, whose own wedding to on again fiance and South Beach club owner Romain Zago will be filmed in Los Angeles, we hear that de Moura has been overheard complaining that RHOM is "becoming the Joanna show," so it sounds like she is going to have to work a little harder than having a faux wedding and a boozy bachelorette party at hip hop hot spot Bamboo, conveniently a client of castmember turned 'friend of the Housewives' Marysol Patton.

Yup, it appears Patton has been demoted. We asked her about it and all she would say is "It is that time of year when RHOM and my life collide." Speaking of colliding, what of Lisa Hochstein, Ana Quincoces and Alexia Echevarria? While Hochstein seem to be on Team Krupa, Quincoces, along with Patton, is on team de Moura. Echevarria seems to be a floater. Good grief.

"It is an extremely orchestrated, fictional account of the demented sense these women call reality," says one insider. Indeed. And one we have no doubt the show's producers will spin into a tantalizing television tizzy.

Mr. Chow's kooky kitchen caper

The battle between South Beach's chichi Chinese restaurants Mr. Chow and Philippe has a new, wacky twist that's something out of a Scooby Doo episode. It seems that someone may have sneaked into Mr. Chow's kitchen last week dressed as a chef and was busted and photographed (see surveillance photos below) snooping around. The Chow team suspect it was an impostor acting in concert with their arch rival, Philippe at the nearby Gansevoort. Mr. Chow reported the incident to the police and filed an amendment to the original lawsuit that cited unfair competition by corporate espionage and civil trespass. “This incident further reinforces our suspicion of the deceptive practices and lengths the defendants will go to misrepresent themselves.  It’s not enough that they’ve tried to steal our signature dishes, but now they appear to be trying to update their menu with new ideas from our kitchen," says Alan Kluger, attorney for Mr. Chow. In response, Philippe partner Stratis Morfogen told us, "This is beyond bizarre and at this point we have no further comment describing Michael Chow's delusional and paranoid state of mind." As Shaggy would say, zoinks!

  

Singled out again: Miami not so hot for the unattached

 

Not a surprise to those on the market, Forbes.com just put out its annual ranking of America's Best Cities For Singles, and out of the 40 cities, Miami falls in at a sad 29. Number one? New York City. Rest of the top five: Boston, Chicago, Seattle and Washington, D.C. But it could be worse. Jacksonville came in last at number 40. As for the criteria: Forbes ranked 40 of the largest continental U.S. metropolitan statistical areas in seven different categories: coolness, cost of living alone, culture, job growth, online dating participation, nightlife and the ratio of singles to the entire population of the metro area. Duh! Of course we came in near the bottom. The list doesn't account for the massive population of single narcissists attached to themselves!

Was it something they said? Miami Social sinks to another ratings low

 

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse for Miami Social, we have the official numbers from its second week on air and it's almost as hideous as the show itself. Compared to its debut night which drew a mere 648,000 viewers, last Tuesday's episode averaged an atrocious 491,000 viewers according to our source, Rick Kissell of Variety. That's a loss of 157,000 viewers. So who is watching? Hardly anyone, really. To put it into perspective, Lancaster, Pennyslvania--Amish Country--- has a population of approximately 498,000 and we know for a fact those people aren't watching Miami Social either. In fact, based on the numbers it seems as if people would rather watch an Amish dude whittle a stick for an hour than watch that show. And if the ratings continue to tank, the stick wont be the only thing whittling away.

Brooke Hogan to debut ironically titled album tomorrow night @ Opium

 

It's been a while since we've seen or heard from Brooke Hogan, but for those who asked where she's been lately, it's all your fault because the reality blond is back, in town, and debuting her new album, The Redemption, tomorrow night at Opium at The Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. Don't be fooled by the trying to sound deep or artistically relevant title, either. Songs Hogan plans to perform off the album include, "Hey Yo," and "Ruff Me Up." As for whether she will achieve what her album title so presciently prescribes, hear for yourselves at midnight tomorrow night if you can stand it.

NYC had CBGB, SoFlo has Denny's

Forget velvet ropes and 'lists' and consider hitting Denny's, 300 Civic Center Way in Royal Palm Beach tomorrow night, where, from 9 p.m. until midnight, bands from the Vans Warped Tour---Breathe Carolina, Sing It Loud, Versa Emerge, TV/TV and Attack Attack! will party with fans in celebration of the punk rock show's 15th anniversary. In addition to sharing their Moons Over My Hammy with groupies, the bands may also break out in impromptu song. And unlike your drunken performances at 2 a.m., these may actually sound good. Denny's, for those wondering, is a sponsor of this year's tour and is hosting 23 late night fan parties across the country promoting music and its Allnighter program featuring a late night menu as well as initiatives supporting the music scene, including "Rockstar" menu items created by Rascal Flatts, Good Charlotte, Sum 41, Katy Perry, Plain White Ts, The All American Rejects and Hoobastank. In other news, we hear Nobu, we hear, is scrambling to roll out a new late night Grand Slam menu to keep up with the celebrity competition.

Lenny Kravitz is outta here

 Lenny Kravitz has sold his last piece of Miami property, this time his recently renovated Biscayne Point Island house, for $2,450,000. The house was on the market for three months and listed at $2,850,000, according to the South Beach Real Estate Blog. Apparently the buyer is just a regular person, no one famous. Kravitz bought the place in 1997 for $725,000, so he made a nice little profit, not that he needs it. But what inquiring minds want to know is, why is Lenny fleeing the beach? Did he also catch an episode of the abominable Miami Social and just, well, run? 

 

Burn Notice star burnt in DUI arrest

 A big fan of places like Clarke's and The Florida Room, Burn Notice star Jeffrey Donovan was arrested for alleged drunk driving in Miami on July 12. According to the police report, Donovan's car swerved to avoid hitting the police car. He also told cops he had three drinks at the Fontainebleau, claiming he was "only borderline and not too drunk," failed a sobriety test and after posing for this mug shot, was released several hours later. "The only mistake I made tonight was drinking Benadryl with 3 glasses of wine," Donovan told the cops as he was taken into custody. Benadryl! Borderline drunk! Oy! Is it part of a star's Miami street cred to be busted for DUI here? Perhaps, but what this really says about our fine city is that not all celebrities get preferential treatment down here so don't be surprised if Burn Notice tries to burn us back for this and take their show back to LA.

Real Housewives stars not getting along so swimmingly as usual

 "Real Housewife" of NYC, Kelly Bensimon made a quickie appearance at the Shay Todd 2010 Swim show at the W South Beach Friday night and the weather wasn't the only thing that was inclement. Bensimon, who dashed inside to save her borrowed $5,000 dress from the deluge, refused to pose for pictures with New Jersey's "Real Housewife," Dina Manzo. Meanwhile, not exactly making a splash on the party scene, Tara Reid, who showed up with a new guy and double fisted cocktails while yapping loudly about how much money she has. At least, unlike Reid, the fashion show wasn't a total washout.

  

Bottom three photos: Seth Browarnik

Little people, big mall, big(ish) trouble

 

Leave it to our childhood pal Jeff Beacher, the PT Barnum of the Paris Hilton generation, to make headlines in a mall in Plantation, of all places. In town for Jeff Beacher's Madhouse show at the Seminole Coconut Creek tomorrow night, one of the show's main mini players, Oompa Loompa impersomator Donnie Davis, was detained by cops after he was caught promoting the show at the Westfield Broward Mall without permission. Slow news day at the mall, for sure, but from what we heard, the cops were such fans of the show, hearing about them via Howard Stern, that when the rest of the merry gang of self promoting Oompas came into the holding cell in support of their pal, the cops asked them to pose for a few photo ops and then let 'em go. See, Randy Newman? Short people do have reason to live after all.

W (TF)?

 

Seems like the W in the new hotel, W South Beach, doesn't exactly stand for 'welcome'. Turns out, one of our readers ventured to the property last week for a little lunch and a look see and was approached by a security guard and asked to leave. According to the reader, non guests of the hotel do not have access to the restaurants, bars and clubs. An email the reader forwarded to us from the hotel's general manager, Eduardo Fernandez confirms that, saying, "I apologize if you feel that our staff was not courteous to you during while you visited our establishment. Due to the large volume of people coming and going to the beach and attempting to use our hotel and our restrooms, we have implemented a policy limiting the use of the lobby, living room, and pool areas for guests and residents only." The pool we get, but the lobby and living room areas? Please! We understand if the owner of Mr. Chow arch nemesis Philippe wants to come hang out in the lobby giving threatening looks to customers, but as for the rest of us, the nerve! Wait! That's circa 1996-era Delano calling and asking for their policy back.

In all fairness, we went to the W South Beach last night expecting to be booted, but, shockingly we weren't met with any resistance despite the fact that a fashion show was pending at the pool and despite the fact that the new club Wall was previewing. Perhaps it's just during daytime hours that the W is off limits. We are still waiting on the official word from the hotel's pr reps so stay tuned. In the meantime, the W, for those who  have yet to go, is a hot looking place, if not a mini-Setai.