Beer for the economy, Pfund, cheating Billy the Marlin, mouth of Ricky, Elly May Clampett and more

  A brand new pile of miscellania for your consideration...

     Help solve the economic crisis. Drink beer: If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left today. With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left. But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, consumed all of the beer, then turned in the cans for an aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214 like this guy.

     Octoberfest: Baseball playoffs begin Wednesday after White Sox beat Twins tonight 1-0 in a playoff for the eighth and last spot. I rooted for the Twins, solely because Chisox manager Ozzie Guillen (right) seems like sort of a gasbag idiot. Check this blog tomorrow morning for a poll on who you hope wins the World Series.

     Pfund escapes the gargantuan shadow: The abrupt resignation of Heat GM Randy Pfund (pictured) was unexpected but not real surprising. How much pfun fun can it be to serve in that role under an omnipotent team president (Pat Riley) who possesses complete control over all personnel decisions? Pfund leaves amicably, but the fact he leaves in search of another NBA job tells you he finally grew tired of Riley's immense shadow and wants to be where he'll have more say. Can't blame him.

     Mascot Hall of Fame screws Billy the Marlin: The three newly announced 2008 inductees into the Mascot Hall of Fame (yes there is such a thing; click here) are Rocky (Denver Nuggets), Slider (Cleveland Indians) and Smokey (University of Tennessee). However Random Evidence has learned that another nominee, Billy the Marlin, was snubbed by selectors despite leading all pro-team nominees in online fan voting. An outrage! UM's Sebastian the Ibis also was nominated and denied entry but did not lead in fan votes. Billy is pictured here, appearing to smile but weeping inside.

      Dear Greg, Your blog is OK, but...: "...it would be much better if at some point you would show a picture of actress Donna Douglas -- Elly May Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies -- today at age 75. Thanks very much."

     If it came down to Uggla or Olsen...: Click here to find today's column by me on the Marlins' planned makeover that will sacrifice home run power for speed and defense. The two most prominent players who might not be back are second baseman Dan Uggla and pitcher Scott Olsen. If the club spends to keep just one, who would you wish it to be? I'd pick Olsen but doubt most fans would. (By the way, Jorge Cantu finished fourth in NL comeback player of the year voting announced today. Cantu got my vote for the Marlins MVP award that went to Hanley Ramirez).

      Tattoos for Really, Really Old People or the Incredibly Unhip, one in a series:

      Well, no bleepin' duh!: Showtime's Inside the NFL will include, in its Wednesday show, a segment in which former offensive tackle Tony Mandarich (pictured), one of the all-time draft busts, reveals he used to use steroids. What a shock! Gee, don't some things sort of go without saying? Which reminds me...

     Ricky admits pot temptation: Dolphin Ricky Williams revealed he still sometimes has the urge to spark some weed. Is that news? I love Ricky's honesty, but wish, for his sake, he'd self-edit a bit more. A guy trying to mend his image and outlive all the pot jokes probably ought to tell a little fib and say he's past all that. Sort of reminds me when President Jimmy Carter once made headlines by admitting he lusts in his heart. Too much information, Jim!

     Giants running back arrested for standing in traffic drunk!: Click here.

     Where's Waldo? Where's Grego?: Many of you, in comments and e-mails, have expressed concern that The Herald's website redesign has made it more difficult to find my blog. You are correct and I'm not too pleased, either. I'm hoping for a remedy; stay tuned. Meantime, if you don't see my ugly mug as one of the two featured blogs on the Sports homepage, simply click on 'all blogs' to find me. I'll keep trying to make it worth the effort.

Comments

[Kurt]

Ricky Williams mis-took the "Bye Week" for the "Blunt Week"

Jimbo is a closet flamer.

Hope you suckers enjoyed the past week - NE is coming back REALLY PISSED OFF this Sunday and Miami will LOSE!

You heard it here first.

[Buffalo Billy]

Look, I don't know who you guys are talking about. I live here in Miami. I went to school at the University of Buffalo. I was up there during the Kelly four Superbowls. I'm back in Miami but I'm still a Bills fan. I know it's early and I realize the Bills tend to be snake bitten but I'm pretty excited. We share one thing I cant stand the Pats.

[Jimbo]

Kurt, where ya been?? If pats would have beat fins you would have been on here before game was even over telling us how brilliant you are , etc.
Face it, your team is getting worse by the week. Damn, not even close, 38-13, losing by 25 at home to what you call the worst team in the league. Hope you got the Brady highlights taped, he's done, dynasty is done. Didn't even come close to Steelers, Dallas, 49er dynasties.
Kurt, I was right about Super Bowl and first Miami NE game, right , right said Fred right. Miami will win both games against patriots this yr.
By disappearing for a week, you showed how unmanly you really are. You are a weak fan of the game Kurt. Weakass Kurt

[Jimbo]

Bronco Billy, look out for a homo troller named Kurt, he'll be given ya a Dirty Sanchez before ya know it. He runs with Jim Nabors these days.

[Jimbo]

Greg Cote, You ruined my night showing a current pic of Donna Douglas.

Greg, also, good luck with getting this blog back to where it needs to be.
Is that a tatoo of Bob Barker?

[Jimbo]

Kurt, I know your upset, as upset as you were getting lockjaw on Valentines Day.

[Tom]

Jimbo

I agree that picture of Ellie Mae f***** up a great memory.

Kurt's back. Hold on I have to get up off the floor I'm laughing so hard. I can't write now Kurt's presence is killing me. Thanks Kurt for the laugh.

[ginrai]

Riley, Fund deserves extra special funds at his job. You should of made the job more cozier for him. You should of talked him out from leaving. He's a great gm. There's not many like him around.

I always had the hots for Elle May Clampett.
She's a real cutey. Donna Douglas still looks maturely attractive. Even for a 75 year old.

Ricky please don't smoke that grass. It reduces the brain and destroys the lungs.
Don't waste your talents on dope. Don't want to be either thinking or running later on a short fuse.

Give me a stamp of that Bob Barker tat on a blank shirt of mine anytime. I don't wear tats on the skin but on my shirts. It's so much healthier. The glands of the skin are free from the ink poison.

[ginrai]

Oh and I would go with Uggllllllllllahhhhhhhh! Andrew Dice Clay quoting "He's so unbelievable!"

[ginrai]

Bozokurtis are you on pms again? Kurtis your red scottish skirt smells again. Looks like you have a leakage again. Feel bad for the old worn skirt having to put up with your stinky boswack self.

[Dave in VA]

I would still poke Elli Mae in the keester.

[Kurt]

Hey Jimbo, that's not right. I was not able to get to Cote's blog (a) because I could not locate it at first and (b) because I was too busy at your mother's house laying pipe.

Thank her again for me, will you?

[Dave in VA]

Kurt, why would you lay pipe to Bostonian at Jimbo's mom's house?

The Pats looked really good against the Phins, had them right where they wanted them. I'm sure you're very encouraged about the rest of the season.

[Jimbo]

Yeah Kurt whats up with the Mom stuff. You like 70 yr old women? She was a looker in her day but, jeeze, that's not right.

Face it Kurt, you were in Thailand buying boy sex with Michael Jackson and Jim Nabors.

Dolphins 38 Pats 13. How quickly the Pats will fall. That team will not make the playoffs this yr.

[Kurt]

We shall see, Jimbo you piece of crap.

A loss is a loss, doesn't matter if it is 1 point or 100.

Patriots will still win the division.

[Kurt]

Jimbo, YOU brought my buttocks into the conversation, more than once, so I thought I would bring your mother along for the ride!

[ginrai]

My sense of logic is now telling me that both dean and kurt is actually the same individual with an identity crisis.

[r. duke]

Kurt you ever been in Jeff's Sports Vortex? I hear it's damp and smells like a sewer sort like Brady's breath since he hurt his tootsie and stopped attending to his personal hygiene. I got to say though I do like this Cassel kid...

[r. cote]

Cote did circle get the square because they're moving you all over the place on "all the blogs page?"

[r. duke]

r. duke, r. cote I like it. may just use it as alternate identity.

[naplesjackpatsfan]

All hands are on deck, let the fun begin!!!!

[George Takei]

Truth tell I've had Kurt (aka the Bostonian) locked in my Gay Man Cave the past 10 days. Me and Brad, my new husband, have been laying the wood to Kurt. Damn what a screamer. That vortex of his is big enough to drive a truck through. I'll tell you this, that boy is no amateur when it comes to buttplay. He is one magnificent buggerer.

So please leave Kurt alone. He's sensitive and can't take this abuse.

[Liberace]

Oh George you are so much fun. You're right too. Kurt's vortex is reminiscent of the Grand Canyon. He needs to slow down a little.

[Truman Capote]

This is old fag's homecoming here. Welcome, welcome all you old queens. Great to be with you again. Kurt you are so damn cute when you're bending over. I didn't know you are a whore though. Is there any one of us who has not poled you until you screamed? Appears not. Glad to know you got out of Takei's Gay Man Cave so that you can get back to what you do best, servicing all of our community.

[Kurt]

You better hide, Jimbo.

You and your bullshit is getting pretty stale.

You and R.Duke seem to be the ones with the male bum bum fettish.

[Kurt]

Let's see how your team does this Sunday, ___ face.

I know your mom's face will be so pasted with man juice that you could stick her to the side of your 88 Corolla next to that pathetic Dolphin flag you so proudly wave.

[Buffalo Billy]

Bills will win the division.

[r. duke]

Remember when Bugs Bunny did Liberace with super moe voice asking his brother George to bring the candelabrum. Chuck Jones was fine animator writer and all around fine American. George Takei sounds like someone in that group needs towel to bite down on.

[r. duke]

Would prefer Dolphins take it but could live with Bills smashing NE's egos Buffalo Billy.

[r. duke]

Hey Kurt. Sticks and stones bud.

[r. duke]

Jimbo leaving Lance Bass out of Thailand party just made him cry and sing maudlin heartbreak song in front of his full length mirror...

[r. duke]

Rickey think twice no at least three times before sparking that spleeb! Get high on life that's what old raoul does and says he does just like Cote said. Think McFly. THINK!

[the shadow knows]

Tom and Jimbo,

yes, donna douglas had better days tendin' her critters by the see-ment pond; i too prefer the image of her in those very tight dungarees with the rope belt. hey, she made it to 75!!

[Jimbo]

Kurt, most of the very funny jokes at your expense weren't me. They are good tho. This blog is a lot more interesting with your dumb ass on here.

Where were you for the last week? Are you really that weak that you can't appear because you were beat by the better team???
Now that the Patriots are going on the skids for the season,, are you going away like a girl? Shoot, we have been on thru the leanest of times as dolphin fans. You CHOSE to enter a div rivals blog,, what do you expect? respect? You don't show any to us, a little until someone disagrees then the insults fly. You are a weak man, or should i say boy.

[Flipper72]

I hope you have my money ready Kurt?

I would like a nice crisp $50.00 bill please!!!

[Jimbo]

Flipper, Kurt wouldn't pay up. He is unemployed, living at home with parents, using public library computer.
He isn't making enough as a starving actor, he is the sole character of the on the knees guy at the Glory Hole. As the heat increases on him, the true idiot is showing.

Besides, a couple more Patriot losses and they -Bostonian, Kurt will disappear from here for good.

Funny tho, Buffalo Billy appears when Bostonian disappears. Kurt disappears for a week or so and this new character majically shows. could the Billy part be derived from my former posting of Little Crippled Billy? Bostonian is a copycat too.

I think Buffalo has a great shot at winning Division, which I did predict before wk 1. There is also a lot of games left and IF something should happen to their qb, injury or slump, I don't think they have enough savvy to keep winning. Jets could take over division eventually just because of the vet QB and enough talent to pull it off. Miami could too, small chance tho, by pulling off a few, 5 or 6 wins in a row. Patriots are done. The same O line that couldn't protect Brady isn't getting better, the D is old, coach is overated. Without the freakish sucess of Brady, Belicheck would have repeated his Cleveland experience and be coaching someone elses D somewhere.

Regrettably I am predicting a Dolphin LOSS this weekend. SD has too many O targets for a QB who is well protected and playing well. Like the AZ game, the -OPEN YOUR EYES- Obvious lack of talent in Miami's secondary is again the reason for the loss. Will fall behind and have Pennington throw 40+ and running game will be abandoned.

SD 35
Mia 17

[r. duke]

Jimbo using public library computor lol. Regarding Miami vs SD game, as soldier in "Platoon" said just before decending into Asha(sp?)Valley "I got a bad feeling about this one Bob."

[r. duke]

I think Sgt. Barnes response was "Everybody's gotta die sometime."

[r. duke]

Hmm wonder if he was referring to Pat's Dynasty as well.

[Jimbo]

obviously he was refering to Brady/Belicheck marriage.