THESE THINGS SHOULD ALWAYS BE DONE IN THIS ORDER
(Thanks to Samuel Sprague)
(Thanks to Samuel Sprague)
(Thanks to Dr. Doug and Onterrible)
Yesterday we adopted a dog from a shelter. Her name is Lucy, and she's mostly Lab, around 8 months. She's very sweet and has quickly adapted to our home and yard. Especially our yard, which she finds absolutely fascinating ("Hey! A dog urinated here! Wow! A dog urinated HERE, also! Ohmigod! A dog also urinated HERE! Wait a minute! A dog ALSO urinated..." etc.). The one troubling thing is that Lucy has discovered Walter.
(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)
We just hope no one shows this story to Walter.
(Thanks to fivver)
Here in South Florida we are hunkering nervously by our TV sets and bracing for Tropical Storm Fay. Already we are seeing devastation in the form of downed leaves.
Moments after this dramatic photo was taken, Walter the Weather Oosik was struck by several pieces of what appeared to be water falling from the sky.
We will hold out as long as we can.
(Thanks to CJrun)
(Thanks to sjhaller)
Key Quote: "She isn't married yet, this one," he said. "She's still a virgin."
(Thanks to jon harris)
From funniegrrl: "During the credits of Antiques Roadshow tonight, they showed a couple of teenagers (brother and sister I think) who had an oosik which had carving on it. They described an oosik as a "petrified whale bone." hmmm. They also said it had been appraised at $1200."
Makes a person wonder what Walter is worth. Not that Walter is for sale. Walter is way too cool to sell.
The temperature in Florida is seventeen thousand degrees below zero. We are fighting for our very survival.
Miami-Dade schools are closed today, so Sophie went to a park with some friends. She came home very excited because they found a squirrel skeleton, and Sophie got two bones. ("Stella got the skull," she said, a bit ruefully.) Here is an exclusive CrapCam photo of the squirrel bones with Walter, who is looking unusually masculine by comparison.
This blog has obtained an advance review unit of the new Apple "iPhone," which as you can see has an exciting new form factor, making it almost more of a fashion statement than a telephone. You can use it to watch video or TV, play music, surf the Internet, navigate the roads, massage your gums, brew tea and prod cattle. The only thing it can't do is send or receive voice communications, but who has time for that anyway?
(Thanks to Afkat)
I'm taking off to spend Christmas week at a Secret Undisclosed Location that might not have the Internet, which as you know requires a series of tubes. Judi is also out o' town, so for a while there may be sporadic posting here, or even no posting. But before I go, I want to wish you all happy holidays, on behalf of our entire staff.
Here's the CrapCam photo I was trying to post here, which I somehow posted to Greg Cote's blog.
(Greg, if for any reason you wish to publish a photo of a walrus-penis bone, or for that matter the penis bone of any other mammal, on my blog, I will not stand in your way)
Here in South Florida we are continuing to gird for
Tropical Wave Tropical Storm Hurricane Tropical Storm Moth Fart Tropical Storm Potential Hurricane Ernesto. We are so girded that our loins ache. The TV people are already hoarse from standing outside gas stations, supermarkets, Home Depots, massage parlors, etc. informing us that we are all girding. On the fuel front, every man, woman, child and household pet in Florida currently possesses -- counting vehicle tanks, generators, and gas cans for generators -- at least 350 gallons of gasoline. God help us if anybody in this state lights a match. Here in Miami-Dade County school has been canceled until Halloween, just in case.
In case you were wondering -- and we know you were -- Walter is ready:
Mr. Gene Weingarten is visiting Miami, and as you can see is deeply impressed with my oosik.
Walter is ready.
I recently learned that my old friend Gene Weingarten, who writes for the Washington Post, and, in his spare time, works as a fashion model, owns a walrus-penis bone, or oosik, which Gene says he bought in Alaska from (this is a direct quote) "an eskimo named Larry."
So Gene and I got to talking about our oosiks, and naturally the question arose: Whose is bigger? Gene measured his, and sent an email stating:
My oosik, sir, is 21 and a half inches, end to end. The little ivory caps add another one and a half inches.
So I measured Walter, and was stunned to discover that Walter is also exactly 21 and a half inches long. Walter does not have "little ivory caps," but then Walter, unlike some, is confident enough in his masculinity not to need them.
But anyway, the question arises: Is it mere coincidence that, statistically, 100 percent of all the Walrus-penis bones that I know of are exactly the same length? Or are all male walruses, in fact, equally male? How do the lady walruses feel about this? And what should Gene call his oosik? Incredibly, he hasn't thought to give it a name. I'm thinking he should call it "Shorty." But I welcome your suggestions.
Update: Commenter Bumble notes that, to judge from the specimens on this page, Gene and I have unusually big oosiks.
Here in South Florida we are under both a Severe Weather Warning and (I am not making this up) a Wind Chill Advisory. Yesterday the temperature was in the low sixties, and last night it dropped INTO THE FORTIES. The perky TV-news people cannot stop talking about it. They have been giving us all kinds of tips for surviving this brutal environment, such as: If you go outside, wear clothes.
It’s COLD here! Can I visit you and hang out on your patio? I can’t stand this weather another second. HELP! You can see from the picture that my bag is packed—I’m ready to go. Are there female walruses in Florida? Write soon!
(Via Sandy Beach)
We have a report of a stolen walrus penis bone (second item).
(Thanks to Justin Barber)
We suspect Walter.
I'm in Washington, D.C., this weekend with my family. We were planning to fly home tomorrow morning, but our flight is canceled. So unless the forecast is even more inaccurate than usual, we're going to miss Wilma. Good luck to everybody down in Florida. We wish we could be there. But at least we know our house is well-protected.
This blog thinks that if the president wanted a woman with a firm grasp on the issues, there were better women available.
No doubt you have been asking yourself: "What happens if Rita slams into Miami and causes the walrus penis bone on Dave's patio to become a 150-mile-per-hour airborne missile? Might not somebody get hurt, or -- worse -- become pregnant? (Judi would be SO jealous.)
Not to worry! I have taken the precaution of securing it to the patio, using two pieces of masking tape.
As you are well aware, Monday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, the day on which all the peoples of the world set aside their differences and join together in saying "Arrrr," which is pretty much the only pirate expression anybody remembers. This year I'm going to be observing Talk Like a Pirate Day by appearing on the Paul and Young Ron Show on Big 105.9, where Paul and Ron and I will be raising money for victims of Hurricane Katrina by holding an auction. One of the items we will be auctioning is a beautiful Gibson SG Special electric guitar, which was donated by the good folks at Gibson thanks to the ceaseless efforts of Ted "I Do NOT Have a Mullet Hairstyle, Even Though the Entire World Believes That I Do" Habte-Gabr. This very guitar will be played by members of the Famous Despite Being Really Bad "Rock Bottom Remainders" almost-all-author rock band when we appear at the Miami Book Fair in November; we will then sign the guitar and give it to the high bidder. Or, if the high bidder prefers, we will refrain from even touching the guitar, to avoid getting our musical cooties on it. Whatever the high bidder wants, we will do, unless it involves underage sheep.
So anyway, if you're in the South Florida area, please tune in to Big 105.9 FM Monday morning around 8, and please bid. To give you an idea of the size of this guitar, here's a photograph of it on my patio, next to the bone from a walrus penis:
Judi will be SO jealous.
UPDATE AND CORRECTON:
Commenter AXL sends this:
Dave, that guitar is an SG not an SG Special...
the Special has only two knobs, a tone and volume, and is only a single cutaway, not a double
it is however a very very beautiful guitar with an awesome tone, i own and play the doubleneck version of the SG and it is a really lovely guitar, whoever wins it will not be disappointed.... helping people and getting a lovely guitar