Dave Barry's Blog

THIS IS UNSETTLINGLY ACCURATE

... for Miami.

(Thanks to ScottMGS)

IT'S FRIDAY

Time to get some work done.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

WHY WE (HEART) THE INTERNET

You can waste huge amounts of time in a productive manner.

(Thanks to ScottMGS)

BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT NOBODY SHOULD GET HURT

Go here.

Dave "Twenty Eyes" Barry

(Thanks to Jazzzz)

LET'S SEE IF WE CAN BE EVEN LESS PRODUCTIVE THAN NORMAL THIS HOLIDAY WEEK

(Thanks to Bryce Donovan)

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

It turns out you can make your own productivity-enhancement applications, according to the folks at this site, who claim they made this game in under 60 seconds (a claim this blog totally believes). "Dave Barry Escape" is a very realistic simulation of what happens when this blog is flying around over South Beach pursued by entities. This happens almost every night.

IT'S MONDAY, AFTER A LONG WEEKEND

Time to get productive.

(Thanks to ScottMGS)

19,497

(Thanks to Schadeboy)

THANKSGIVING IS COMING

Can we enhance our productivity and do something good at the same time, this week?

WHAT WE HATE ABOUT BLOGGING

What we hate is when people send us impossible productivity enhancers with comments such as "My personal best is 111.197 m" when we very rapidly determine that our personal best (after a frustratingly large number of tries because he seemed so enthusiastic about it) is 6.32 m.

(Gee thanks to Vol)

FOR PEOPLE WHO FOUND SPACE INVADERS TOO INTELLECTUAL...

...we give you Poo Dodger.

(Thanks to W. Scott Smith)

TOPICAL PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER OF THE DAY SO FAR

This didn't take long.

(Thanks to Doug)

IF YOU HAVE FAILED TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING MEANINGFUL SO FAR TODAY

Here is your chance to make sure you keep it that way.

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

IT'S STUPID, BUT IT'S A START

(Thanks to marfie)

WORK

Who needs it?

(Thanks to Barbara Hayes)

H _ _ _ O _ E E _ I S _ O M I _ _

(Thanks, a long time ago, to TCK)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Not to mention a great name for a rock band.)

(Thanks to Jeff Carrie's friend Jean and Janice Gelb, who sent in this version)

RE-UPDATE 1 (Earworm of the Century)

RE-UPDATE 2 (Productivity Enhancer of the Millenium)

IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY PRODUCTIVE ON COLUMBUS DAY

Remember the helicopter game? Which you got so good at? OK, Mr. or Ms. Eye-Hand Coordination: Try your eyes and hand at this.

(Thanks to J.D. Harper)

SPEAKING OF HAMSTERS

Here's a productivity enhamster. This blog cannot figure out how to line the hamster up with the pillow, so our hamsters keep splatting to the ground. This is fine with us.

(Thanks to Ian Woollard)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCEMENT ACTIVITY OF THE DAY

Lileks

(Russell Mc sent in a ham from the "Son of Cooking with Seven-Up" section, and the s.b. went on to sob her way through the "Patty Cake" book. Find your own way; the man's a genius.)

HEY, IT'S FRIDAY

You've done enough for one week.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

RUGBY HANDBAG UPDATE

You can play too!

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

SOMETIMES PEOPLE SEND IN THINGS THAT ARE NOT, TECHNICALLY, "FUNNY" BUT WE STILL ENJOY THEM, IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN, SO, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE BLOG IS ELSEWHERE, WE SOMETIMES POST THEM ANYWAY AND HOPE HE WILL NOT FIRE US

At least this one has clothes on.

(Thanks to Jessica)

WORKERS OF THE WORLD...

Produce.

(Thanks to John Rowland)

PRETEND-THIS-HAS-SOMETHING-TO-DO-WITH-"24" PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

Don't let stick-figure Jack die!

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

BORED AT WORK?

Get productive with The Blog.

UPDATE: For those who couldn't attend, but would still like to waste some time enhance their productivity.

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER OF THE DAY

While The Blog's away.

(Thanks to Schadeboy)

NOTE: Please post LINKS ONLY in the comments section if you make your own.

FOR THOSE WHO LONG TO BE MORE PRODUCTIVE

Don't Shoot the Puppy

(Thanks to Catherine Conner and wolfie)

WE SINCERELY APOLOGIZE

But it's really azred's fault.

GET PRODUCTIVE

Let's touch some balls.

(Thanks to blog king Ken Layne)

POST-OLYMPICS PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

Because it's Friday, and we're bored.

(Don't tell The Blog.)

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

UPDATE: For those whose productivity can only be enhanced by weirdness, try this one, sent in by Drew Harchick.

YOU HAVE NOTHING IMPORTANT TO DO TODAY, RIGHT?

So see if you can get this site (thanks to Claire "Spare Time" Martin) to work. I tried tapping in (My Baby Does the) Hanky Panky by Tommy James and the Shondells, and it responded with the following songs (I am not making any of these songs up): Can't Stop (Red Hot Chili Peppers); How High the Moon (Les Paul and Mary Ford); Walk This Way (Aerosmith); Take Me Home Tonight (Eddie Money); Pour Elise (Beethoven); Norwegian Wood (The Beatles); It Had To Be You (Harry Connick Jr.); 1985 (Bowling for Soup); Danny Boy; and Super Mario (Nintendo).

WE KNEW IT WOULDN'T TAKE LONG

But this is fast.

(Thanks to Eli)

ATTENTION, LADIES LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT MAN

You could search your entire life and never find someone like this.

(Thanks to Karen W., who recommends the "hair" option.)

TWO...TWO...TWO POSTS IN ONE

Bloglit #1: I like the posts about 24.

Bloglit #2: I like the productivity enhancers.

<CRASH>

Bloglit #1: Hey, you got your productivity enhancer on my 24.

Bloglit #2: You got your 24 on my productivity enhancer!

Bloglits #1 and #2: HEY! Let's get Mikey! He hates everything!

Mikey: Tastes great!

Mr. Whipple: Less filling!

Kid at the door: Mothers are like that. Yeah, they are.

Bloglits: Come on, geeez, just post the damn link.

(Thanks to Mark Tobin)

I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING...

But not like this.

(Thanks to Atticusser)

SPEAKING OF BADGERS

This one's a much better song.

ATTENTION, ANYONE WHO CAN READ JAPANESE

Is the yellow ball thingie™ twitchy but benign, or is it some sort of evil force with the power to suck tiny humans into its vortex?

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WORKING THIS WEEKEND?

No doubt you will accomplish a lot.

(Thanks to Bryce Donovan)

THE MOST DISTURBING PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

EVER

(No thanks to Drew Harchick)

"DENY DENY DENY"

What is "What you do when The Blog asks you if you've been playing Throw Paper for the last 17 hours"?

(Thanks to Blair Keel)

A CHRISTMAS TRADITION

Ho Ho Hwhooaaaa <hic>

(Thanks, this year, to Kafaleni)

AND ON THIS HOLIDAY OF GIVING THANKS FOR THE GOOD THINGS IN OUR LIVES...

Let's take time out to shoot ourselves some turkeys.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

GET BUSY

Time to produce.

(Thanks to Amanda Wolfe)

THE MOST MINDLESS PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER EVER

Totally skill-free!

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

HALLOWEEN IS COMING

Here's a cute Halloween productivity enhancer.

(Thanks to MOTW)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER OF THE DAY

What doesn't kill you makes you faster.

(Thanks to Andy the tropichunt.com guy)

A PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER FOR LOVERS OF PEACE

And quiet.

(Thanks to Barry from the message board)

FAIR WARNING

This was sent in by Brainy Jello, who comments: If you haven't seen this, it will suck you in pretty fast. If you have seen it, another look will probably cause you to push your monitor off your desk.

PRODUCTIVITY TIME

OK, this is old. But it's still old.

REASON WE WISH THE INTERNET HAD BEEN INVENTED IN THE 60's

Number 48.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

BECAUSE IT'S FRIDAY

,,,and we're feeling nostalgic.

42

(Thanks a big freaking bunch to Justin Barber)

POOM

(Thanks to Laura Wenham)

HAPPY MONDAY

Get to work.

(Thanks to Laguito Mojito)

NO, THANKS

Who has time for productivity on a Sunday?

(Thanks to triller)

GOT SOMEONE YOU DON'T LIKE?

Send their children this productivity enhancer.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

NEWS THAT MAKES YOU GO "DUH!"

As if This Blog didn't know.

(Thanks to Brian Bell)

WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING 24

You'll have plenty of time for shooting the sheep.

(Thanks to cydstep)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WITH NO LIVES

Here's a good way to waste a fine Sunday afternoon.

(Thanks to Kevin Gamin)

THE MOST PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCING PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER EVER

(Thanks a big freaking bunch to Gabe Weintraub)

WHEN IT'S COLD OUTSIDE...

You might as well use your computer to be productive.

(Thanks to Ian Woollard)

GETTING READY FOR MONDAY

(Thanks to Brian Giovannini)

ROCK BAND PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

It involves beer.

(Thanks to LabSpecimen, who says that Jet is not a particularly gnfarb. The stealth bloggerette argues that Jet is a grb, so it's ok about the name.)

THE HALLWAY OF PAIN

Go somwhere.

(Thanks to the son of the bloggerette)

HO HO HO

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

MOO

(Thanks to Leetie)

THE MOST FRUSTRATING PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER EVER

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

ANOTHER SEASONALLY-APPROPRIATE PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCEMENT APPLICATION

(Thanks to Tabitha Sanborn)

SEASONALLY APPROPRIATE PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCEMENT APPLICATION OF THE DAY SO FAR

This is demanding, but important.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, ANYONE WHO HAS TIME TO DO THIS

We want your job.

(Thanks to Alanboss)

FEELING AGGRESSIVE?

Go for it.

(Thanks to BigMur from the message board) (and Graz from the same place, for fixing it)

HALLOWEEN PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

It may be Halloween by the time it finishes loading, but come on, do you want to heave bowling balls at cats or not?

(Thanks to Laura Crook)

ARRRRRRRRRRRRR

It would be frustrating to find out this is not a challenge for other people.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

AREN'T THESE SUPPOSED TO GET EASIER?

(Thanks to all who sent it in)

PONG

(Thanks to my son)

JUST FOR FUN

Because girding, bracing, and hunkering, while necessary, can be sort of ... boring.

(Thanks indirectly to schnooky34, who also sent this, about the GirdMaster.)

YLIMPICS UPDATE

This should take a while.

(Thanks to Mike Weasel from the board, who says: click English (unless you want to play in another language), then click on the pentathlon. Then scroll down and hit pentathlon again. you do all 5 in succession.)

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH

We definitely did not spend 15 minutes trying to do this; we are far too busy. Besides, we already have a Florida driver's license.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

DAVE, THAT IS SO, LIKE, YESTERDAY

Not!

REMEMBER PONG?

It's updated.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

SUMMER DOLDRUMS = LOW PRODUCTIVITY

We'd better get busy enhancing it and/or improving our skills.

(Thanks to Brian McRae and Marty Mauldin)

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

Moo.

(Thanks to Derek Breid)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

For the record, the stealth bloggerette has not wasted inordinate amounts of time on this game, sir. The frustration expressed is the perceived frustration on the part of players yet to play it, sir. And we are not anxious to punish the person who sent it to us, one Yuval Shabo. No, sir. That would be pointless. JUST LIKE THIS *($&)(*&)($ GAME. Sir.

DON'T LET GO

"Shamelessly ripped off from holdthebutton.com."

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

WORKERS, UNITE

Some People insist on rubbing it in that they are on vacation, while the rest of us are hard at work.

UPDATE UPDATE

Updating is over for the moment. Please get back to work.

ALL-STAR BREAK

Go, some parts of Mr. Snail!

(Thanks to Zach of the Metro East)

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

We're not even going to attempt this. We're just going to link to it, and go on about our business.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster, who claims this is "not as hard as the Crimson Room.")

PRODUCTIVITY (BURRRRP) TIME

Here's an application appropriate for a Friday.

(Thanks to Jacob Aldridge)

THIS IS WAY TOO HARD FOR US, BUT WE REALIZE THAT A LOT OF YOU ARE A LOT SMARTER THAN WE ARE, AND IF YOU WANT TO ENHANCE YOUR PRODUCTIVITY FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, FAR BE IT FROM US TO STAND IN THE WAY

So, here.

(Thanks to Gil Graybill)

SPANK THE MONKEY

(Thanks to Graz.)

(This game is unrelated to the previous item. We think.)

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

Here's an excellent application. Draw the bow back.

(Thanks to Laudio)

PRODUCTIVITY PLUS

That's all, folks!

(Thanks to Lee Foster)

WE GOT YER PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER RIGHT HERE

Now that's what I'm talking about.

(Thanks to Bill Crider)

BECAUSE WE'VE HAD SOME REQUESTS FOR PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCEMENT APPLICATIONS

Here's an old one, but still a very productive one.

(Thanks to Mahatma Kane Jeeves)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER FOR A BEAUTIFUL FRIDAY

Panda Golf.

(Thanks to Catherine Connor)

MORE FERTILITY INFORMATION

It's Pac-sperm.

(Thanks to Kori Langlie)

PARENTS, TAKE HEART

They're not wasting their lives, they're preparing for their future careers.

(Thanks to Glenn Schein and Steve Regn)

SOME PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCEMENT APPLICATIONS ARE SO DISGUSTING THAT EVEN THIS BLOG REFUSES TO LINK TO THEM

A good example is this

WARNING: You will be disgusted.

(Thanks to Louis in Tulsa)

RAW-FISH-RELATED PRODUCTIVITY APPLICATION OF THE DAY

Sushi racing!

(Thanks to Jon Alperin)

FUN AND EDUCATIONAL PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY

It's time for: The Head-Lice-Killing Game!

(Thanks to Dale Smith)

NOW THAT'S SOPHISTICATION

A whole new level of presidential politics. Apparently not fake.

(Thanks to Eric Jensen)

MEDICAL ADVICE

Please make sure your doctor has graduated from the 3rd grade.

("Come on... let's go for it"?!)

(Thanks to Glen Ebbing)

WEIRD PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER OF THE DAY

Neena Kalyani Vemuri claims that this application is "addictive," although this blog finds it to be kind of strange and incomprehensible. It kind of reminds us of Windows.

PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCEMENT UPDATE

This semi-Easter-themed application is demanding, but worthwhile.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCEMENT

This one actually helps you develop a useful skill.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

SEASONALLY APPROPRIATE PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCEMENT APPLICATION

This is quite challenging.

(Thanks to Chris Davis)

BRAIN TAKEOVER ALERT

This is worse than Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Dawn.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

JOHNNY DEPP, NAKED

Why wait for the movie?

(Thanks to Dawn Bailey)

THE MOST FRUSTRATING PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER ON THE PLANET

Enjoy!

(Thanks to Robert Krpoun)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

For zombie lovers.

(Thanks to Denis McKervey)

ATTENTION, CRICKET FANS

Have we got the productivity-enhancing application for you! It's just like the real thing.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz is right.

(Thanks to Bill Crider)

PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCING APPLICATION OF THE DAY SO FAR

Attack of the Killer Broccoli

(Thanks to sookeyjane)

FORGET ALL THE OTHER PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCING APPLICATIONS

This is the best game EVER! This blog is REALLY GOOD at it!

We can't wait to see you commenters posting your tips on how to beat it!

Be sure to stick around for the credits.

(Thanks to Sarah John)

STILL MORE PENGUIN PRODUCTIVITY

This update courtesy of Jacob Aldridge and Ed Adkins.

SERIOUSLY ANNOYING PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

Involving bees.

UPDATE: Looks like the site is down. Good work, workers!

(Thanks to Rob Russell)

ATTENTION, WORKER BEES

You can get a lot accomplished with this application.

(Thanks to Lacey James)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER FOR THE LADIES

No, it's not a game, but it's still lots of fun. And then there's this. We could do this all day, couldn't we, ladies?

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

Jason "Some Guy In Oregon" Lewis sends this exciting enhancement to the penguin-whacking application, and notes that there is also this version, and this entire page devoted to this important ongoing effort.

And people have the nerve to say this country has gone soft.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE

To separate the sheep from the goats. Or something.

(Thanks to Daniel Stoddart)

PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCING APPLICATION UPDATE

Anybody who doesn't think this is a truly great land in which our lives are improved every day by groundbreaking technical innovations needs to check out this new version of the penguin game.

(Thanks to Gene Weingarten's chat)

STILL TESTING -- NO NEED TO READ THIS

We will now attempt a post that has a link in it. Pay no attention to us. Go on about your work.