July 23, 2015

SEND SOMEONE TO WASHINGTON

Someone built a meth lab inside a federal research facility, and it exploded

(Thanks to David Emery)

Posted by Dave on July 23, 2015 at 10:28 AM
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WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE DAMN CONSTITUTION

Your Butt-Dials Can Be Recorded, Federal Court Says

(Thanks to Judy B.)

Posted by Dave on July 23, 2015 at 10:24 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

Man walks out of ocean naked, sits on boardwalk in Palm Coast, cops say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 23, 2015 at 10:21 AM
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...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

Machete-wielding man threatened teen for disciplining Chihuahua

(Thanks to John Mayson and Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 23, 2015 at 10:19 AM
Permalink | Comments (3)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Winter Haven man head-butts bus, loses

(Thanks to Ron G., Fabian Marson and Ralph)

Posted by Dave on July 23, 2015 at 10:16 AM
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FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Massive swarm of grasshoppers and beetles picked up by radar, headed to Oklahoma

(Thanks to Charles Cates and Ron G.)

Posted by Dave on July 23, 2015 at 10:15 AM
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July 22, 2015

WE'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT

These Burgers Are Made of Flies and They Are Amazingly Nutritious

(Thanks, appropriately enough, to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 01:45 PM
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NOT TRUE! I PART MY HAIR ON THE OTHER SIDE NOW.

My son, who has been going through old family photos, just emailed this to me with the observation "The haircut literally hasn't changed in 50 years."

Haircut

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 01:09 PM
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IT FEATURES "A UNIQUE SHOT CALLED A 'BONK'"

'Fowling' warehouse in Detroit suburb combines football, bowling

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 12:33 PM
Permalink | Comments (4)

THIS WAS NOT US. BUT WE TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

Florida man shoots teen daughter’s boyfriend after boy dares him

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 11:56 AM
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'IF YOU DON'T MIND FEELING DIRTY FOR A FEW DAYS...'

New York City tourists can book a van down by the river on Airbnb — for $22

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 11:54 AM
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THUS QUALIFYING TO BE AN INSTRUCTOR IN FLORIDA

A 58-year-old woman taking a driver's examination Friday morning, July 17, struck three vehicles at the Missouri State Highway Patrol Troop I's driving exam parking lot.

(Thanks to John Mayson)

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 11:48 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Scientists Think They've Figured Out What Makes a Good-Looking Penis

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 11:43 AM
Permalink | Comments (11)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Mahon takes it on the chin in first ever Sheep Dung Spitting contest

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 11:39 AM
Permalink | Comments (1)

ANOTHER TERM FOR THEM WOULD BE 'MUSIC LOVERS'

Thieves make off with Shoreline musician's beloved bagpipes

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 11:38 AM
Permalink | Comments (3)

SLOW DOWN, DUDE

Marijuana found growing in Vancouver traffic circle

(Thanks to The Perts)  

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 11:29 AM
Permalink | Comments (2)

MODESTY PREVENTS US FROM SAYING THAT THIS IS TOTALLY ACCURATE

Dave, I just sent the following pack of lies to Joe O'Neill, some guy with The Expert Institute's (don't you just love the modesty of that name?) Blog Contest. E-mail me if you win the $500 first prize. Far be it from me to say that if you do, I should get a $20 cut. I would never suggest such a thing.
 
Ciao, Bella 
 
(Read on...)
 

Continue reading "MODESTY PREVENTS US FROM SAYING THAT THIS IS TOTALLY ACCURATE"

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 11:28 AM
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CSI: FREMONT COUNTY

Party reports she is 'being invaded' by raccoons

(Thanks to Bryan M.)

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 11:17 AM
Permalink | Comments (3)

THE NEWS FROM WEST ICELAND

Fire Breaks Out From Outdoor Pooping

This has been the West Iceland Report.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says "I've had that happen after eating Thai food.")

Posted by Dave on July 22, 2015 at 11:15 AM
Permalink | Comments (4)

July 21, 2015

WE'RE HAPPY FOR THEM

Taking a bath in warm crude oil is a popular spa treatment in some parts of the world

(Thanks to West Coast Rod)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 03:31 PM
Permalink | Comments (7)

THIS IS AWESOME

Spider catches breakfast on weather cam on the air

(Thanks to Don Faber)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 03:30 PM
Permalink | Comments (7)

THEY MEAN 'STEER CLEAR' LITERALLY, AS THEY ALL HAVE DRIVERS' LICENSES

Experts warn Floridians to steer clear of armadillos to avoid leprosy exposure

(Thanks to Dave Roe)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 03:27 PM
Permalink | Comments (7)

THE NEW ZEALAND TRAFFIC REPORT

Wellington's Mt Victoria Tunnel was closed after a man did a poo on the road.

This has been The New Zealand Traffic Report.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 02:50 PM
Permalink | Comments (9)

MAKE IT A DOUBLE

Pottsville motorist crashes through wall of Mazlooms Bar

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 11:08 AM
Permalink | Comments (9)

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SCREEN?

Device Turns iPad Into Sperm Tester

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Madeleine)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 11:06 AM
Permalink | Comments (13)

UPDATE ON 'KING LEAR' WITH SHEEP

Here's a review.

Then, with a startling, stage-covering suddenness, they are there, decked out in little ermine-trimmed costumes and coronets and contradicting the director's version of events by turning their backs to him and flurrying away in abrupt fits of what looks like low dudgeon. “Guys? Team?” he implores, bemuses.

(Thanks to Chris Knight)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:43 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTZZZZZZZ

Snails slug it out in world racing championship

(Thanks to Ron G.)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:34 AM
Permalink | Comments (3)

OK, BUT WE STILL HAVE THE KARDASHIANS

Grizzly bear pushes glass box with screaming woman inside for bizarre Japanese game show

(Thanks to funny man)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:30 AM
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INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Man stuck penis through letterbox, ‘terrified’ mother and daughter in ‘impulsive act’

(Thanks to funny man)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:25 AM
Permalink | Comments (12)

VE VILL, VE VILL, ROCK YOU

Romania is tapping into the Dracula legend, offering concert-goers free tickets in exchange for their blood.

(Thanks to funny man and Madeleine)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:23 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Manchester police baffled after reports of a dead animal in the canal turns out to be a duvet filled with coconuts

(Thanks to Ralph, who asks, "Duvet Filled with Coconuts opens for Red Hot Chili Peppers?")

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:21 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

HELL. NEXT QUESTION.

Where did city squirrels come from?

(Thanks to John Mayson)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:18 AM
Permalink | Comments (4)

THE NEWS FROM CANADA

Schneiders hot dogs not made with 'lips and snouts,' says former employee

This has been The News From Canada.

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:16 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT

‘Man-bun’ may have helped prevent more serious injury

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:12 AM
Permalink | Comments (4)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Drunk driving suspect found naked on barn roof

Incredibly, this did not happen in Florida.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Rick Day)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:09 AM
Permalink | Comments (3)

A FLORIDA ATC LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Intoxicated air traffic controller found shirtless, unconscious on floor of control tower

(Thanks to Malcolm Hoar, Jay Brandes, funny man and Madeleine)

Posted by Dave on July 21, 2015 at 10:07 AM
Permalink | Comments (4)

July 20, 2015

SUGGESTION OF THE DAY SO FAR

Cats

Thanks for the suggestion, Henry. But you should know that such a column probably would not be well received by the cat community.

For example, this is something I wrote about cats many years ago:

Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent.

(This is code. It means: "Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.")

Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $3,200,000, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know.

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 05:51 PM
Permalink | Comments (12)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Chinese Woman, 30, Found Guilty Of ‘Assaulting Police Officer With Her Breasts’

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 02:00 PM
Permalink | Comments (9)

NAME THAT STATE!

Man, 68, padlocked mom in home while going out for crack

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 01:57 PM
Permalink | Comments (3)

FROM THE IMMORTAL BAAAAAARD

King Lear Goes On Tour In The Uk With Sheep Instead Of Human Actors

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 11:06 AM
Permalink | Comments (11)

DON'T WORRY: THE TREES WERE WEARING CONDOMS

In Berkeley, protesters get naked to try to save trees

Advisory: Naked people 'communing' with trees.

(Thanks to Julia Denton)

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 11:00 AM
Permalink | Comments (16)

GUYS IN NATURE

Bear downs 36 beers, passes out at campground near Mount Baker

(Thanks to Mr. Michael)

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 10:56 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

SEND THESE BACTERIA TO WASHINGTON

Researchers have discovered how to let bacteria control the movement and behavior of a robot, just like what the brain does to the human body.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 10:55 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

SEEK ELSEWHERE, GW

GW seeks volunteers to let parasitic worms burrow into their skin.

(Thanks to Judy B.)

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 10:49 AM
Permalink | Comments (13)

'HE AIN'T GOT NO GUTS. HE AIN'T GOT NO HEAD'

Zombie fish!

(Thanks to The Fourth George)

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 10:38 AM
Permalink | Comments (10)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

10-foot-tall chicken sculpture may have to leave Easton

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 10:35 AM
Permalink | Comments (3)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man, 72, shot in buttocks by 'crazy' drunken man while protecting sea turtle habitat

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

Posted by Dave on July 20, 2015 at 10:34 AM
Permalink | Comments (4)

July 19, 2015

GUYS IN NATURE

These Salamanders Get Into Groups And Go On Sperm-Release Raids

(Thanks to Charles Cates, who says "just like back in college.")

Posted by Dave on July 19, 2015 at 02:46 PM
Permalink | Comments (11)

STAND TALL, DUBOIS

DuBois man a finalist in potato chip contest

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Posted by Dave on July 19, 2015 at 02:44 PM
Permalink | Comments (8)

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Man uses flame thrower to set motel on fire

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 19, 2015 at 08:21 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

 
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