March 17, 2015

PERHAPS IT WAS A DISTRESS SIGNAL

British Airways flight to Dubai forced to return to London due to ‘a smelly poo’ that stunk up entire plane

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Trent Whitney)

Posted by Dave on March 17, 2015 at 08:48 AM
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GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Urine-fuelled distress signal

(Thanks to Judy B.)

Posted by Dave on March 17, 2015 at 08:46 AM
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TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

Dancing, beer-drinking Florida man found inside beachfront mansion, claims he co-owns home with Mariah Carey

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says, "In that case, sir, you are free to go.")

Posted by Dave on March 17, 2015 at 08:44 AM
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MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

The National Gallery announces its first ever naked tours

ADVISORY: Naked guy you might not want to see naked.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Posted by Dave on March 17, 2015 at 08:30 AM
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March 16, 2015

WE'D NEED LONGER THAN THAT

Japan holds 24-hour festival to celebrate the penis

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

Posted by Dave on March 16, 2015 at 03:59 PM
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SSSSSburpSSSSS

A deadly Eastern Brown snake has been found in a backyard in Adelaide's northern suburbs with its head stuck in a beer can.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

Posted by Dave on March 16, 2015 at 03:57 PM
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WE'VE HAD THESE IN FLORIDA FOR DECADES

Flying car will go on sale in 2017

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on March 16, 2015 at 03:55 PM
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TOOL COMPANY OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Tool Company of the Week.

(Thanks to manual tomato)

Posted by Dave on March 16, 2015 at 03:52 PM
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WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

When Georgia police caught three boys loading a stolen goat into the bed of a pickup truck, one of the thieves said that he was planning to ask his girlfriend, “Will you goat with me to the prom?”

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

"Goat with me?"

Posted by Dave on March 16, 2015 at 09:38 AM
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LOOKS GOOD TO US

Police Ask For ‘A Little More Effort’ In Bad Crash Drawing

Sutton-police

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on March 16, 2015 at 09:36 AM
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THE REMAINDERS FINALLY HIT THE BIG TIME

The Sunday Washington Post Crossword puzzle is here.

SPOILER ALERT

The answers are here:

Unnamed

(Thanks to Howard from Broward and laser moe)

Posted by Dave on March 16, 2015 at 09:30 AM
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AND WHILE YOU'RE WAITING FOR YOUR SKIN TO GET YOUNGER-LOOKING, YOU CAN ROB CONVENIENCE STORES

Want younger looking skin? A new bestseller suggests wrapping your face in clingfilm may be the answer

2675FE5D00000578-2996253-image-a-43_1426458573937

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Posted by Dave on March 16, 2015 at 09:26 AM
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ANOTHER EFFECTIVE TECHNIQUE IS TO CLOSE YOUR EYES

Police in California said a fleeing suspect attempted to "camouflage himself" by covering his face in black spray-paint.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on March 16, 2015 at 09:23 AM
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VOTE FOR BRITAIN'S NATIONAL BIRD

We know which candidate we support.

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

Posted by Dave on March 16, 2015 at 09:15 AM
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March 15, 2015

COLLEGE


2015-03-15 13.41.42.jpg

Posted by MiamiHerald on March 15, 2015 at 02:45 PM
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March 14, 2015

A STORY THAT SEEMS INEVITABLE

Meth lab discovered at Wal-Mart restroom in Indiana

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Posted by judi on March 14, 2015 at 07:22 PM
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IN FLORIDA, WE ARE EFFICIENT

Car crashes into emergency room lobby

(This happened last weekend, but again, we've been busy)

Posted by judi on March 14, 2015 at 01:34 PM
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AMAZINGLY, THIS IS NOT ABOUT FLORIDA

State Rep Moves to Keep Georgia Free of Werewolves, Mermaids, Centaurs

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

Posted by judi on March 14, 2015 at 01:23 PM
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REMAINDERS UPDATE

We performed last night at the Tucson Festival of Books, and the audience really seemed to enjoy the show. (The audience had been drinking.) Here we see Miss Amy Tan performing "These Boots Are Made For Walking" as Ridley and I look on somewhat apprehensively, knowing that before long Miss Tan will whip us with a riding crop and MAKE US LIKE IT.

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Posted by Dave on March 14, 2015 at 12:28 PM
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REMAINDERS UPDATE

They don't mind if you read while they play.

(Thanks, Mulletman)

Posted by judi on March 14, 2015 at 12:42 AM
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March 13, 2015

REMAINDERS IN TUCSON!

The band is here and had an actual practice today, in which we attempted to learn several new songs, one of which includes a chord named "B flat.".

DSC01053

Here we see Mitch Albom and his wife Janine Sabino, who's actually a good singer but we let her perform with us anyway. Looming behind them is Greg Iles, and off to the right is our sax player, Erasmo Paolo. In the background you can sort of see Amy Tan, who has an entirely new hair color. If you're in the general Arizona area and this the kind of musical excitement you're looking for, come on out to the Tucson Festival of Books tonight.

I don't know if you can all see this, but our manager, Ted "The Mullet" Habte-Gabr has posted some more photos of the rehearsal on Facebook here. "I'm sure they'll have this sorted out by tonight," states Ted, with unwarranted optimism.

Posted by Dave on March 13, 2015 at 06:29 PM
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SPEAKING OF PENISES...

Go ahead... We'll wait.

OH... Me first? Okay.

Men, you don't want to read this story. If you don't believe us, perhaps you will be convinced by viewing the illustration that accompanies the article:

Pencil

(Thanks to Bill Jones and Jon Harris)

 

Posted by judi on March 13, 2015 at 02:42 PM
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GUESS THE STATE

Pilot draws giant penis on radar map with private plane

Sorry, that should be "private" plane.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Danny R., and Gary Kennedy)

Posted by judi on March 13, 2015 at 02:35 PM
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WHILE THE BLOG'S AWAY...

Ummmm, sorry... we've been busy.

Outlander-Fan-Event-Sam-Heughan-photo-gallery-sexy-5

Posted by judi on March 13, 2015 at 02:31 PM
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EXCITING BEHIND-THE-SCENES ACTION SHOT FROM TED IN TUCSON

Dave sits on a couch, while Amy Tan smiles at something unseen, and her husband Lou naps.

Dave and Amy

 

Posted by judi on March 13, 2015 at 02:28 PM
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March 12, 2015

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Another great crowd last night, this time for Copperfield's Books in Santa Rosa. Thanks to all who came out. Tonight I will be at the Peoria Center for the Arts in Peoria, Arizona -- that is correct: Peoria, Arizona -- for the Poisoned Pen. From there I'll head to Tucscon, where members of the Rock Bottom Remainders are already gathering for our performance tomorrow night. We haven't played in a while, so some of us are seriously considering tuning our instruments.

Posted by Dave on March 12, 2015 at 12:03 PM
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WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Man allegedly tries to avoid arrest by rolling in dog feces

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Andrew Mendez and Charles Cates)

Posted by Dave on March 12, 2015 at 11:39 AM
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WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Researchers nearly double the size of worker ants

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, The Amazing Steve and The Perts)

Posted by Dave on March 12, 2015 at 11:35 AM
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DOWN, BOY

Dog’s giant penis shocks viewers on This Morning

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on March 12, 2015 at 11:33 AM
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FLORIDA GOLF REPORT

Fore.

Download

(Thanks to Azaliah Yadinah-Parker and Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on March 12, 2015 at 11:31 AM
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FLORIDA EDUCATION REPORT

Orange County principals under fire for “Vaginas on fire” text

This has been the Florida Education Report.

Posted by Dave on March 12, 2015 at 11:29 AM
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March 11, 2015

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Thanks to all the folks who came out to Kepler's in Menlo Park; that was a really nice event.  Today at noon I'll be joining my little brother Sam for a literary luncheon at Book Passage in Corte Madera. Tonight at 7 I'll be at the Flamingo Conference Resort and Spa in Santa Rosa for Copperfield's Books, which is promising that THERE WILL BE BEER. So wear a helmet.

Posted by Dave on March 11, 2015 at 11:32 AM
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FINALLY, A REASON TO GO ON LIVING

David Hasselhoff to play Ian Ziering’s father in ‘Sharknado 3’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on March 11, 2015 at 11:27 AM
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GUYS IN ACTION

To Dave Barry:
 
I am a big fan of yours, and just found a 1995 book of yours I had not read, and something in it prompted me to think of an hilarious article about an event that happened last winter in Tomahawk WI, 40 miles north of where I live.  The book is Dave Barry’s complete Guide to Guys. In the book you related a story about 3 guys who went down a ski jump in a canoe.
 
In the winter of 2013-2014, there was an article in our Wausau Daily Herald about three (hopefully) other guys who were arrested on a county road near Tomahawk.  Apparently they were out in the middle of the night driving an ATV (also known in Wis. as a “four-wheeler”) to which they had hitched an old refrigerator and were pulling it around on a county road.  They had taken the door off the refrigerator.  One guy was driving the ATV, and two others were riding in the refrigerator in the dark.  Residents called the sheriff’s department to report this.  The deputy  who responded said that when he arrived on the scene, all he saw on the road were lots and lots of sparks.  All 3 of the guys were wasted, which just means they were very drunk.  The deputy made them walk away and come back the next day for the ATV.  Oh, and he did arrest them.
 
Dave Guilliom
Wausau Wisconsin

Posted by Dave on March 11, 2015 at 11:22 AM
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WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE CONSTITUTION

Florida woman arrested after getting naked at Dunkin' Donuts as a dare

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ron G.)

Posted by Dave on March 11, 2015 at 11:20 AM
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WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE MONKEES

Stressed Badger Holds Hotel Guests Hostage For 40 Minutes

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on March 11, 2015 at 11:18 AM
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March 10, 2015

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Don't touch our 'Butthole', say residents

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on March 10, 2015 at 02:03 PM
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EMAIL OF THE DAY SO FAR

So what did you do yesterday? I arose and killed 26 Weevils with my special solution squirter. Had some quail eggs and Spam for breakfast, read Walter Winchell's column in the Herald, and set out for ABC Liquors. I arrived at 10;45, and bagged my usual of Pinnacle vodka and Gilby's Gin. D. and I have separate drinks, cheese, chips, and sometimes different dinners. Placed jugs in the car and rolled basket towards the first parking spot. Just as I lifted the Ensure Plus to my lips, the clerk came out to re-park the basket. He is too young to remember Ray Milland in Lost Weekend, but I'm sure that is the vision he had of his early morning customer. Finished trip at Publix, where I grabbed .5 and .5, whip cream for strawberries and another package of cholesterol. Talked to a bunch of kids in baskets, as I tried to avert my eyes from mom's enticing cleavage. Back home, I assassinated  37 more weevils. They prefer sweet goods, so I left a bait of an Ensure tainted lid. Accurate translation of Tapas is a Lid. Few centuries ago, the Spanish bartender would place a piece of toast or ham on patron's drink to prevent flies from scavenging - hence;  a lid or Tapas.
Your welcome. el Sid

Posted by Dave on March 10, 2015 at 01:53 PM
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IT TASTES AS GOOD AS IT LOOKS

Japanese nature museum launches FROG burgers to celebrate new poisonous creatures section

2675EB8C00000578-2986230-image-a-36_1425902852952

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Thanks, but I'll just have a salad.")

Posted by Dave on March 10, 2015 at 01:44 PM
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BOLO

Trailer with tons of mozzarella stolen from truck stop

(Thanks to Gordon Anderson and Jon Harris, who says we're gonna need a bigger pizza)

Posted by Dave on March 10, 2015 at 01:28 PM
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BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Great crowd last night in Dallas. Thanks to everybody who came out on a rainy night (I'm starting to think of this as the All-Precipitation Tour). Among those attending was -- Celebrity Alert -- Mr. Randy Brooks, who wrote the classic and deeply moving holiday spiritual "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." His business card says Milking "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" since 1979

Today I'm on my way to California to end the drought there by my mere presence. Also I will be doing a bunch of events in the San Francisco area over the next couple of days. I hope you can attend one. I'll be the person covered with mildew.

Posted by Dave on March 10, 2015 at 10:21 AM
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March 09, 2015

UPDATE FROM DALLAS

I ran into Big Bird. Apparently he has a drinking problem,

Big Bird

Posted by Dave on March 9, 2015 at 03:41 PM
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BECAUSE THE SQUIRRELS TOLD THEM TO

Field Cameras Catch Deer Eating Birds—Wait, Why Do Deer Eat Birds?

(Thanks to Eric Y)

Posted by Dave on March 9, 2015 at 08:03 AM
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'IT'S PEEBACK TIME'

Walls in Germany Pee Back on Public Urinators With the Most Hilarious Use of Superhydrophobic Coating

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

Posted by Dave on March 9, 2015 at 07:55 AM
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March 08, 2015

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Thanks to the many people who came out to my signing last night at Temple Judea in Coral Gables. Here's an artistically blurry photo taken by Judi of me explaining, with the aid of my high-school yearbook photo, why I am deeply insecure about my appearance.

Dave and Dave

That's me on the left. Also on the right.

Tomorrow night I'll be in Dallas for an event at the Highland Park United Methodist Church. The fact that I am appearing at two religious venues in a row is yet another indication of the worsening moral crisis in this nation. But I hope you Dallas folks attend anyway.

Posted by Dave on March 8, 2015 at 02:41 PM
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March 07, 2015

LASSIE

The Blog has oft remarked (in print and otherwise) that we think collies are smart because we grew up watching Lassie. Today the s.b. was spinning the dial and found an episode of the early show with Jon Provost as Timmy. In this episode, June Lockhart, aka Mom, had her foot caught in a cougar trap (for obvious reasons). Lassie heard her calling and came a'runnin'... This is the actual dialogue that June Lockhart had to say to her co-star, a dog:

"Do you remember the c-clamp that the trapper brought? I think I left it on the kitchen counter. Go get it, girl! And hurry!"

That is all.

Posted by judi on March 7, 2015 at 12:26 PM
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BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Lovely turnout last night in Atlanta. During the Q&A everybody prefaced his or her Q by telling me what year he or she graduated from high school. I don't know why. Maybe it's an Atlanta thing. Anyway, it was a fine evening. Thanks to all who came out, especially my brother Phil (class of '70) who confirmed the stories I told about our amazingly funny mom.

Today I'm heading back to spend the weekend in South Florida, where winter is not a problem. Which is not to say we don't have problems with nature:

Python on airboat

Tonight at 7:30 I'll be appearing at Temple Judea in Coral Gables for my local bookstore -- which is also the best bookstore in the world -- Books and Books. I promise it will be a python-free event, although I cannot completely rule out manatees.

Posted by Dave on March 7, 2015 at 08:40 AM
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March 06, 2015

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY

To The Blog's daughter

Posted by judi on March 6, 2015 at 01:04 PM
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BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Despite the hideous weather and the total shutdown of the federal government that has paralyzed the nation, a fine crowd turned out last night at Politics and Prose:

  Politics and Prose

There was even a celebrity appearance, as we can see when we zoom in on the right side of this photo:

  Gene

Yes, that is Mr. Gene Weingarten, making a friendly gesture of welcome. Thanks to Gene and everyone else who came out.

Tonight at 7 I'll be in Atlanta doing an event for A Capella Books. Rumor has it that it is NOT SNOWING IN ATLANTA. I will believe this when I see it.

Posted by Dave on March 6, 2015 at 08:59 AM
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March 05, 2015

UPDATE FROM D.C.

There's nobody here. There are penguins wandering among the snowdrifts covering what was once the Department of Commerce. BUT I AM HERE AND I WILL BE AT POLITICS AND PROSE TONIGHT AT 7 DAMMIT. There will be free pizza and wine. We can offer this because the government has shut down, so this area is totally lawless and we can do WHATEVER WE WANT.

If that's not enough of an inducement, Mr. Gene Weingarten claims he will be there. He doesn't say whether he plans to bring his oosik. But this is definitely an oosik kind of evening.

6a00d83451587d69e200e551b181948833-800wi

Posted by Dave on March 5, 2015 at 03:24 PM
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