July 15, 2014

LIVE MAS

Taco Bell employee shoots customer angry over lack of service

(Thanks to Alkali Bill and The Perts)

(We saw Alkali Bill and the Perts open for Creedence.)

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:40 AM
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NATURE

Stay classy, baboons.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:37 AM
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IT'S *EVEN BETTER* THAN THE ORIGINAL!

'Sharknado 2: The Second One': TV review

Talk about a creative title.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:35 AM
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INCLUDING IPHONE COVERS

Japanese Artist Megumi Igarashi Arrested for 3D Printed Artwork Based on Her Vagina

Advisory: Not 100% SFW.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:33 AM
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IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Connecticut man arrested after stabbing watermelon

(Thanks to Focalpoint)

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:29 AM
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THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Weaponized can of tomato paste used in robbery

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:28 AM
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VERY FUNNY, UNTIL IT GETS BEHIND THE WHEEL

Squirrel Gets Drunk On Fermented Pumpkins

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:22 AM
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FOR A SECOND WE THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT WILLIAM SHATNER

What happens if you eat 112-year-old ham?

(Thanks to Peter Metrino, who says "I think I ate some of this ham in the college cafeteria back in the 70s.")

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:21 AM
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AFTER A VERY BRIEF CHASE

67 giant African snails, meant for human consumption, seized at LAX

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, The Perts, Allen at Division, Jon Harris and Craig Roberts)

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:11 AM
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IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Possible voodoo chicken head closes down Florida road

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko, who says "I think I saw them open for the New York Philharmonic.") (Also thanks to Alkali Bill and Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:09 AM
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WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Heights serial pooper could be back

(Thanks to Dan Barr, Jeff Meyerson and Rob Simbeck)

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:06 AM
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GUYS IN ACTION

A Star Trek obsessive has has boldly gone where no fan has gone before and built a replica Starship Enterprise in his basement - worth a huge £300,000.

As opposed to a small £300,000.

(Thanks to funny man, who says "sorry ladies, he's married with kids.")

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:05 AM
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24: THE NEXT DAY

Thanks to all of you who participated in this season's Jack-a-thon.

No, wait, that doesn't sound right. You know what I mean.

Thanks especially to The Amazing Steve, who was unusually amazing this year. I think we can all agree he did better than the writers, who should have followed the First Rule of Dramatic Plotting, as explained by Euripides: "When your hero has defenestrated the main villain and her son, it's time bring down the curtain."

Anyway, Audrey's gone, Chloe's free and Jack's in Russian captivity.

Above all, Edgar is still dead. For now.

Everybody get back to work.

 

Posted by Dave on July 15, 2014 at 11:02 AM in 24
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July 14, 2014

24: THE FINALE

Here is where we stand as we finally head into the SEASON FINALE THANK GOD:

Jack Bauer and highly competent agent Kate Morgan are on the trail of Jack’s evil torturer nemesis Cheng, who has gained possession of the Magical Override Device, which has the power to launch any weapon from any nation anywhere on Earth as well reverse the Earth’s rotation and make long-distance phone calls for free. Cheng is working for the Russians, who have used the Device to put the USA and China on the Brink of War, and the EARTH IS DOOMED BWAHAHAHA unless Jack can save it with the aid of Agent Kate Morgan, who as we pointed out earlier is remarkably competent.

Chloe escaped from captivity by performing Chloe Fu on some of Cheng's henchdudes and is currently hiding in one of the many dense wilderness forests found around central London. We assume that tonight she will join forces with Jack and of course Agent Kate Morgan.

President William Devane, having fully recovered from death, is breaking new ground in the field of comically overdelivering his lines. In the preview for tonight's episode President Devane is seen collapsing, and he can't even do that believably. Meanwhile his annoying yet tedious daughter Audrey has fallen into Cheng's hands. In the last episode she held a secret meeting with a Chinese person for reasons we do not totally understand, after which Cheng's snipers wiped out EVERYBODY BUT AUDREY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?

Critics are saying there will be a major shocking plot twist tonight, and the missing 12 hours will be explained. Also according to the preview there will be a coffin. We don't know who's in it, but we have our suspicions.

Speaking of dead: Edgar still is.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the recap by the only person on Earth, including the writers, who actually understands the plot: The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: The shocking plot twist is: Red velvet cake! No, wait, sorry. Too soon.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer just won the Home Run Derby, which has not even started yet.

UPDATE: If Jack Bauer competed on Master Chef, he would literally carve up the judges and THEY WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM.

UPDATE: "Sit." Good Audrey!

UPDATE: "We're condemning Audrey to death for nothing." FINALLY.

UPDATE: When Chloe offered to get Jack the schematics, that was HOT.

UPDATE: Wait... we own Okinawa?

UPDATE: The Ship Captain is wearing a Halloween Ship Captain outfit.

UPDATE: He manipulated Chloe. The bastard.

UPDATE: What if Audrey has to pee? (Doo-dah, doo-dah.)

UPDATE: "I'm gonna need you to draw the sniper's fire." This is why we love agent Kate Morgan.

UPDATE: THIGH! 

UPDATE: "My comm is open." Chloe you SLUT.

UPDATE: Is that Windows 8?

UPDATE: Why would the sniper fall OUT of the window? Wouldn't the laws of physics... Oh, never mind.

UPDATE: Audrey's thigh wound is already healed.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Well, we won't have her to kick around any more.

UPDATE: Jack is so sad he might not be able to go on killing people by the dozens.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Fire Extinguisher Fu!

UPDATE: Jack really DID win the Home Run derby!

UPDATE: Plot twist headed our way.

UPDATE: 12 hours later!

UPDATE: Aw. President Devane.

UPDATE: The Russians are in a WORLD of trouble now.

UPDATE: Well THAT was certainly... something.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

Posted by Dave on July 14, 2014 at 08:00 PM in 24
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IF YOU INTEND TO EAT AGAIN, EVER

...for God's sake do not click here.

(Thanks to funny man)

Posted by Dave on July 14, 2014 at 03:13 PM
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LOVE IS ALL AROUND

Couple Had Sex On Top Of Chipotle Restaurant In Delaware

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

Posted by Dave on July 14, 2014 at 02:20 PM
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BUT THEY'RE NAKED

Speed Dating Event Has Singles Cover Heads With Paper Bags to Find Out If Love is Blind

(Thanks to funny man)

Posted by Dave on July 14, 2014 at 02:18 PM
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THE 24 SEASON FINALE

It's tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Override Time. Be on this blog, or be some kind of repulsive snotlike frog.

Posted by Dave on July 14, 2014 at 12:24 PM in 24
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ASSUMING YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH APPLES

An Apple A Day Improves Your Sex Life.

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on July 14, 2014 at 10:23 AM
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CSI: SOUTH CAROLINA

Dollar General underwear thief flees in ice cream truck

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 14, 2014 at 10:21 AM
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ONE BY ONE THEY ARE STRIPPING AWAY OUR FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS

Man charged after jumping into aquarium tank with shark

Incredibly, this did not happen in Florida.

(Thanks to Monique)

Posted by Dave on July 14, 2014 at 10:20 AM
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THE HAPPIEST STATE ON EARTH

Officers used a stun gun to try and bring down an apparently drunken visitor at Legoland Florida.

He gave his name as "Pterodactyl."

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Posted by Dave on July 14, 2014 at 10:18 AM
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BECAUSE AIR TRAVEL IS NOT HIDEOUS ENOUGH

Welcome to: The future!

La-fi-airbus-seeks-patent-for-bicyclelike-airl-003

(Thanks to Jay "Oh hell no" Brandes)

Posted by Dave on July 14, 2014 at 10:16 AM
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July 13, 2014

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

An Easthampton man was arrested and accused of throwing large amounts of cayenne pepper at several customers inside Whole Foods in Hadley.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 13, 2014 at 04:42 PM
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NOTED

#ProTip When making uterus cookies, roll dough a bit thick, if not the Fallopian tubes will break.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

Posted by Dave on July 13, 2014 at 04:40 PM
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WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR HOLE

Selfie With The Bulls

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 13, 2014 at 04:38 PM
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SEND THIS COMMITTEE TO WASHINGTON

Prairie Village ‘Committee Structure Review Committee’ recommends eliminating committees

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on July 13, 2014 at 04:34 PM
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YOU LOST US AT 'WHOLESOME'

Chirps are made with wholesome beans, rice and cricket flour...

(Thanks to David Shelton)

Posted by Dave on July 13, 2014 at 04:33 PM
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July 12, 2014

NEW JERSEY WILDLIFE REPORT

Enormous Boa Constrictor On The Loose In Lake Hopatcong

This has been the New Jersey Wildlife Report.

(Thanks to coscolo)

Posted by Dave on July 12, 2014 at 03:59 PM
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AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT

Walking Vagina Turns Heads in Vilnius

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on July 12, 2014 at 03:57 PM
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AW

Man takes left foot on farewell tour before amputation

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on July 12, 2014 at 09:57 AM
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CSI: FYFFE, ALABAMA

Drunk woman rides stolen horse to rob store

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

Posted by Dave on July 12, 2014 at 09:53 AM
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DEJA-MOO COUNTY FAIR

A town in WA's South West has udderly smashed the Guinness World Record for the largest gathering of people dressed as cows.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

Posted by Dave on July 12, 2014 at 09:51 AM
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FLORIDA DEMANDS A RECOUNT

Worst Drivers By State

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

Posted by Dave on July 12, 2014 at 09:45 AM
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WE NEED A PERIMETER *NOW*, DAMMIT!

Tarantula Might Spread Terrifying Spawn All Over Brooklyn Unless Someone Does Something Fast

(Thanks to Wiredog and Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 12, 2014 at 09:42 AM
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July 11, 2014

HE REPRESENTS WACKERNHEIM

A leading German politician who confessed to using crystal meth yesterday attempted to explain his actions, by claiming that they improved his performance as an MP.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 05:07 PM
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WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER OPEN THE HOOD

7-foot Python cause of truck troubles

(Thanks to Steve @ Secret Location)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 05:05 PM
Permalink | Comments (2)

SURF 'N' TURF

Swede finds wrapped sausage inside fish

Advisory: Unappetizing photo.

(Thanks to Ruth Anne Guymon)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 04:58 PM
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FRANCE ETC.

Turmoil in Irish parliament ‘beyond parody’ after Garth Brooks cancels five concerts in Dublin

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 04:54 PM
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TIMING IS CRITICAL

Uxbridge PD: Stop Pooping on Trains From Overpass

(Thanks to funny man and Unholy Slacker)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 04:50 PM
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AND THERE IS NO KNOWN CURE

'Ma'am, There Is A Lemur On Your Baby'

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 04:48 PM
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THE INTERNET: VITAL INFORMATION RESOURCE

Vaguely Rude Place Names Of The World

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch and Robert Shaw)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 04:45 PM
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WORLD CUP UPDATE

Bob the Sloth is picking Germany. And if you know anything about Bob the Sloth, you know more than we do.

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 04:42 PM
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THE LEBRON DECISION

Miami's taking it well.

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 03:07 PM
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GOOD NEWS FOR ELEVATOR RIDERS

Other people's flatulence 'may be good for you'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 10:46 AM
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FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Swede builds crossbow to fight vampires

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 10:36 AM
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WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Metro Vancouver sewage could heat hundreds of buildings

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 10:22 AM
Permalink | Comments (3)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Half-naked woman doing yoga in middle of Florida road gets arrested on drug charges

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 10:21 AM
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OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A FOOLPROOF PLAN

Long Island motorcyclist tries to give cops bogus name, can't spell it

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 10:19 AM
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IN THAT CASE, YOU ARE BOTH FREE TO GO

Allegedly drunken Georgia man tells officer that his dog drove him to the store

(Thanks to ASK)

Posted by Dave on July 11, 2014 at 10:16 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

 
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