May 18, 2018

IT'S THE ONION, ALAS

...because we want one.

(Thanks to Patrick Lenon)

Posted by Dave on May 18, 2018 at 05:59 AM
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NAME THAT STATE!

Man bites dog to ‘establish dominance’

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)

Posted by Dave on May 18, 2018 at 05:58 AM
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SEEMS REASONABLE

Woman nailed with $7,000 shipping charge after ordering toilet paper on Amazon

(Thanks to Steve K and Rick Day)

Posted by Dave on May 18, 2018 at 05:56 AM
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May 17, 2018

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

Two airline passengers are arrested for smuggling TWO KILOS of gold bars in their rectums after Sri Lanka customs officials notice their 'suspicious movements'

(Thanks to Michael Moyer, who says "This is exactly why I have a strict policy of not accepting bullion as payment in my office.")

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 11:19 AM
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AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY

Hippos Poop So Much That Sometimes All the Fish Die

(Thanks to Chris Knight)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 11:17 AM
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BUT.... WHY??

Doctor surgically implants heart-shaped platinum jewellery into woman's eyeball in 'pain-free' procedure

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 11:14 AM
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DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

'Last seen humping any b***h in heat' Scorned wife shames cheating husband in 'lost dog' posters put up across Scottish tourist town

(Thanks to John Finn)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 11:11 AM
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AMAZINGLY, NOT AUSTRALIA

Bar employees yank snake from ceiling fan in front of screaming patrons

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 11:07 AM
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THEY WILL DO ANYTHING FOR ATTENTION

Squirrel rescued from inside toilet at London home

(Thanks to John Mayson)

How a wildlife expert rescued 6 baby squirrels in Elkhorn whose tails were knotted together

(Thanks to J.R. Absher, Al Barkafski, Greg Snow, Elseabs and Richard Houlihan)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 11:01 AM
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THERE IS HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

CUMBERLAND, Wis. (AP) - Police had praise for students who created an illusion for a senior class prank that appeared to show a car had crashed into the principal's office.

It's pretty great.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman, Not My Usual Alias, John Lobert and Fabian Marson)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 10:52 AM
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BOLO

South Carolina sheriff's office responds to calls of kangaroo sighting: 'I thought dispatch was joking'

(Thanks to al Bartkafski)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 10:48 AM
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O CANADA, EW

Seriously, ew.

Semi-NSFW.

Another version here.

(Thanks to B'game, Rick Day, Nelson from Michigan, Al Barkafski, Michael Huber, David Emery and Bill Carver)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 10:43 AM
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TRAFFIC ALERT

Truck spill spreads cookie dough all over North Carolina highway

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "We're gonna need a lot more milk.")

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 10:40 AM
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DEPARTMENT OF PEOPLE WITH A LOT OF SPARE TIME

‘Today I saw the tins in the cupboard and I thought “I wonder if them tins have got all of the letters of the alphabet in” so I thought I would find out.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Get that Nobel Prize ready.")

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 10:38 AM
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IT'S A TWO-STROKE PENALTY IF YOUR BALL GOES INTO THE CRATER

Golfers gonna golf.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Ralph)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 10:35 AM
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TENSION BUILDS IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

10:09 a.m. A man in Wisconsin accidentally called the 911 dispatcher in Kalispell. He was just as confused about how that happened as the dispatcher was.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 10:33 AM
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AND IN SPORTS

On Tuesday, the AFA held a course for players, staff and journalists about what to expect when they travel to Russia. Among the materials was a manual entitled Russian Language and Culture, which included a chapter on “What to do to have a chance with a Russian girl”.

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

Posted by Dave on May 17, 2018 at 10:31 AM
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May 16, 2018

STAND TALL, WISCONSIN

If you can stand, that is.

Posted by Dave on May 16, 2018 at 10:36 AM
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BUT WE HAVE MyPillow®

Chimpanzees have cleaner beds than humans, say scientists

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on May 16, 2018 at 05:57 AM
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THE ONLY RATIONAL RESPONSE

Shorewood Burger King was closed, so man stripped naked in street, police said

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

Posted by Dave on May 16, 2018 at 05:54 AM
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May 15, 2018

'YOU ARE NOW FREE TO.... YIKES!!'

A pilot is being hailed as a hero after he managed to safely land an Airbus A319 when the windshield blew out about 30 minutes after takeoff. The plane was cruising at 32,000 feet when the pilot, Liu Chuanjian, says that "the windshield just cracked and made a loud bang." He explained that he looked over and saw his "co-pilot had been sucked halfway out of the window."

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 03:10 PM
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'THERE MAY HAVE BEEN SOME PREVIOUS TENSION'

A 47-year-old Adrian woman lost her job after police determined she put laxatives in a departing co-worker's going-away brownies.

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 02:05 PM
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BE STILL OUR BEATING HEART

More 24 Is On The Way At Fox With Original Creative Team

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Form a perimeter, dammit!")

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 02:03 PM
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THE WISCONSIN DELLS: THE CHUCK E. CHEESE'S OF TOURIST DESTINATIONS

Wisconsin Dells water park melee erupts after chair taken from group's table

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 01:53 PM
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YOU KNOW WHO DIRECTED THIS OPERATION

Eagle drops debris, Juneau residents lose power

(Thanks to B'game, who says "Now the bastards have their own air force!")

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 01:45 PM
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POLLY WOLLEN EINEN PUNCH IN DER BEAK?

Domestic dispute in Germany: Man arguing with a parrot

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger, Le Peromane, Allen at Division, John Gregg, Bill Hudgins and John Lobert)

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 01:38 PM
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'INCOMING TRAFFIC HAS RIGHT AWAY'

Traffic signs outside Montgomery County Home Depot has motorists shaking their heads

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who says: "Like, NOW!")

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 01:36 PM
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THE GOOD NEWS: SHE DIDN'T HAVE FAR TO WALK

Indianapolis woman crashes brand new car into her own apartment

(Thanks to Rick Day)

Related: Woman wearing only bra and panties slams SUV into Queens home

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 01:34 PM
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IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Snakes in his pants — that's how a Greenwood man explained to police why he was running naked down the street Saturday.

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 06:09 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

SEND THESE GEESE TO WASHINGTON

WATCH THESE BADASS GEESE CHASE AN ALLIGATOR OFF A GOLF COURSE

Advisory: Bad word.

(Thanks to John W.)

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 06:07 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

'Memory transplant' achieved in snails

(Thanks to Stella Rondo and MOTW)

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 06:05 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

NO WORD ON SQUIRRELS

American Airlines Announces New Support Animal Policy: Goats Not Allowed, Trained Mini Horses Are

Autoplay.

The list is here. (What the hell is a "Sugar glider?")

(Thanks to Chris Elzi, John Criswell and Ralph)

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 06:03 AM
Permalink | Comments (13)

'I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS'

Small truck carries two cars at once in Arkansas

(Thanks to Gary, who says "And all three are undoubtedly heading to Florida.")

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 05:59 AM
Permalink | Comments (2)

EW

Would you wear underpants you only have to wash once a fortnight?

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

 

Posted by Dave on May 15, 2018 at 05:57 AM
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May 14, 2018

GUYS IN ACTION

Video of son peeing during Michigan proposal goes viral

(Thanks to Alan Dean and Jim Kenaston)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 03:04 PM
Permalink | Comments (5)

‘OWNERS GREW SUSPICIOUS WHEN ANIMAL SHOWED TALENT FOR WALKING ON TWO LEGS’

Pet dog raised by Chinese family for two years turns out to be a black bear

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 03:01 PM
Permalink | Comments (4)

WHEEEE

Winds in the High Desert blow bounce house with child in it onto a highway

(Thanks to funny man)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 02:58 PM
Permalink | Comments (6)

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THEY ALL HAD VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

German police bring in crane to get 5 buffalo off autobahn

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 02:32 PM
Permalink | Comments (6)

THE INTERNET: WHERE CRUCIAL ISSUES ARE DEBATED

Beauty expert slammed for her vagina whitening advice - which includes using lemon and eggs

(Thanks to Le Petomane and John Lobert)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 02:30 PM
Permalink | Comments (5)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Squirrels stash 50 pounds of pine cones under car hood in Northern Michigan

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 02:26 PM
Permalink | Comments (3)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

A woman locked in a contentious divorce with her bond-trader husband took a Picasso off his wall — and replaced it with a forgery she made herself.

She also took “a 7-foot, 300-pound rabbit sculpture.”

(Thanks to James Flynn)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 02:22 PM
Permalink | Comments (11)

SEND THIS PYRAMID TO WASHINGTON

After having its written payment notifications ignored by a client, a utility company in Russia came up with an ingenious way of coercing the debtor to pay his dues – it dumped a three-tonne concrete pyramid in front of his luxurious villa.

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 06:14 AM
Permalink | Comments (16)

MIAMI HIGH SCHOOLS: NOT LIKE YOUR HIGH SCHOOLS

Caged tiger displayed during prom in NW Miami-Dade, sparking outrage

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 06:09 AM
Permalink | Comments (10)

HEY, IT COULD HAVE BEEN AN ASSAULT BASSOON

Springfield man's bassoon mistaken for gun by 911 caller.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 06:06 AM
Permalink | Comments (17)

CANADIAN NEWS ROUNDUP

In Canada, Theories Swirl With the Tide as 14th Human Foot Washes Ashore

(Thanks to Howard from Boward)

Canada sent beavers to Argentina, and it was a huge disaster

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 06:02 AM
Permalink | Comments (9)

FLORIDA: EVEN THE POPCORN IS VIOLENT

Popcorn machine mistaken for gunshots, prompts theater evacuation

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

Posted by Dave on May 14, 2018 at 06:00 AM
Permalink | Comments (9)

May 13, 2018

THOSE CAN ALSO BE HAZARDOUS

This Massachusetts school had a ‘bomb’ scare after police misheard a caller reporting a ‘bong’

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on May 13, 2018 at 10:06 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

FORGET TO GET MOM A GIFT FOR TODAY?

It's not too late!

(Thanks to Elseabs)

Posted by Dave on May 13, 2018 at 10:02 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

HOLD OFF ON THAT MORTGAGE PAYMENT

Asteroid Possibly Longer Than Football Field Will Soon Have Near-Earth Encounter

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on May 13, 2018 at 09:59 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

HE HAD A TRUNCHEON IN HIS BAG

Giant vegetable enthusiast is stopped at US customs after officials mistook a harmless gardening tool he uses to measure his prized marrows for a TASER

(Thanks to Roberto)

Posted by Dave on May 13, 2018 at 09:47 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

 
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