Dave Barry's Blog

IF I CAN MAKE IT THERE

In the moments after New England’s dreams of Super Bowl glory went down the drain with Tom Brady’s failed last-second Hail Mary toss, toilet use spiked a staggering 13 percent in the city, according to Department of Environmental Protection.

(Thanks to Lani)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Mysterious ‘manure foam’ causes pig farms to explode

(Thanks to Justin Beland)

GOOD TO KNOW

Half of single women carry a pair of sexy knickers in their handbag… just in case

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

THE WEIRD THING IS, SLEEPING WHALES TALK IN YIDDISH

Dolphins Reported Talking Whale in Their Sleep

(Thanks to funny man)

NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT ONE

Dry cleaning clerk in St. Charles stabs robber with seam ripper

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

AND STILL OUR MISSILES GO UNUSED

Jersey City clears 'Jersey Shore' spinoff starring Snooki, JWoww

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

PARTY TIME, KALAMAZOO-STYLE

An official says four people got stuck in a Kalamazoo parking ramp elevator for about an hour because they apparently were jumping up and down.

(Thanks to Dan Barr)

THIS IS NOT FUNNY, BUT IF YOU HAVE A LITTLE TIME:

It's interesting, and moving: The 9/11 boatlift from Manhattan.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOTHING SAYS 'HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY'

...like edible meat underwear.

(Thanks to The Perts)

STAND TALL, CEDAR RAPIDS

...the acronym of CR App has turned out to be a rather effective marketing tool.

(Thanks to Trent Whitney)

A WATERPROOF FLORIDA LICENSE...

...is on the way.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AS PROKY THE PIG WOULD SAY

(Thanks to queensbee)

JUST THE DOORS, THOUGH

Brothel opens its doors to homeless

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE DON'T KNOW THE FRENCH WORD FOR THIS, BUT:

Oops.

KINKY

Zoo to 'marry' sheep and deer

(Doo-dah, doo-dah)

(Thanks to Ralph)

BECAUSE THEY'RE IDIOTS?

Why do people dress up their pets?

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THIS WILL SURELY MAKE HER LOVE HIM EVEN MORE

Dorian Ford, 19, claimed he staged his own kidnapping and asked his mom to pay the bogus ransom to see if she loved him enough to pay, authorities said Wednesday.

(Thanks to Tagman)

APPARENTLY THEY ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH 'JERSEY SHORE'

British Scientists Show Vegetables Can 'Talk'

(Thanks to Ralph)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

Fake rhino attempts zoo escape

Do not miss the video.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

WE SHALL NEVER FORGET WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THE AWFUL NEWS

Woman with the longest fingernails in the world breaks them all in a car crash

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE HUGH HEFNER

Mating call of an extinct bush-cricket rings out again after 165m years

(Thanks to The Perts)

PHARMACY TECHNICIAN OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Pharmacy Technician of the Week.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TODAY'S TIP FOR CHINESE MOTORISTS

If parking is really cheap, there's probably a reason.

(Thanks to The Perts)

OK, WE'RE LISTENING

What If All the Cats in the World Suddenly Died?

(Thanks to The Perts)

THEN, HAVING ADVISED HIMSELF OF HIS RIGHTS, HE TASED HIMSELF

An undercover policeman "chased" himself for more than 20 minutes after a CCTV operator mistook him for a suspect.

(Thanks to Another Ralph, Mike Zlotnick, The Perts and ligirl)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Purple Squirrel Found in Pennsylvania

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

CSI: IOWA CITY

Iowa Police Seek Public's Help In Armed Robbery Of $250 "Mega Masturbator"

Advisory: Not 100 percent SFW.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

We considered a headline about catching him red-handed, but decided we are better than that.

WAIT... WHOSE WIFE? THE JUDGE'S?

Judge Orders Florida Man To Take His Wife on a Date

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, funny man, Jeff Meyerson. Janice Gelb and Another Ralph)

SOMEBODY ELSE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO CURE THE COMMON COLD

Chinese researchers create piglets with glow in the dark trotters

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PASS THE TARTAR SAUCE

Whoa.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE HAVE ALWAYS FOUND IT TO BE A RELIABLE SOURCE

U.S. Rep. John Fleming has deleted a post on his Facebook page about a Planned Parenthood "Abortionplex" after discovering it was from The Onion.

(Thanks to The Perts)

GOLF:

It's a man's sport.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Minister caught watching porn in Karnataka Assembly

Key Name We Are Not Making Fun Of: Laxman Savadi

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

MY KIND OF TOWN

Miami police find 10 grenades and a pig in home

(Thanks to Mrs. Blog)

Update: Mrs. Blog just passed along this email, which she received from one of our friends:

Michelle,

I just needed to pass this on to Dave. Tony just called me from his office on Alhambra Circle in Coral Gables. He was looking out the window and saw a pig walking down the street. It was followed by a few cop cars. Some of the cops were out of their cars, with lassos trying to get the pig. Apparently it got out of a nearby house  where some people were squatting.  The squatters had  grenades, marijuana, cocaine and the pig.

Julie

TREND ALERT:

The Squoob.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Austin man could face charges after accepting liquor delivery in the nude, police say

(Thanks to Dan)

NOTED

Clark is sometimes known as "the frog licker" because she often does just that.  But she's quick to add that "I don't recommend this because if you lick the wrong frog it can be very bad."

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

THERE SHE IS....

Sausage Blooper Anchor Woman

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Frozen sauerkraut causes German motorway chaos

(Thanks to jon harris, RussellMc and ligirl)

INCREDIBLY, IT'S NOT KEITH RICHARDS

'Oldest living thing on earth' discovered

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Chris Elzi, who notes that it is also not Cher)

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, OFFICER?

He was driving a Bentley convertible with the license plate: SAUCED.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Blue balls mystery solved by scientists

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

SPEAKING OF BAND NAMES

Putrid goo to combat roof riders

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

California crook used McDonald’s apple pies to rob bank

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WASN'T THIS ON 'THE TWILIGHT ZONE'?

Garage door openers stop working on St. Charles County street

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

Beetle Sperm Teams Up To Navigate Females' Bodies

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

TIP OF THE DAY

Don’t Make Hulk Constipated

(Thanks to funny man)

AND STAY OFF HIS LAWN

89-year-old convicted for shopping cart assault

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

FUN GAL

"I make my assistant wear a penis outfit when I am sad."