February 28, 2015

HE WILL RECEIVE A COMPLIMENTARY FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Hospital sorry for texting dead man asking him to rate his A&E experience

(Thanks to John Finn, DaninDallas and Azaliah Yadinah-Parker)

Posted by Dave on February 28, 2015 at 09:45 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

MEN

Do NOT click here. Really.

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

Posted by Dave on February 28, 2015 at 09:43 AM
Permalink | Comments (11)

THE NEWS FROM KENT

Potato shaped like a man's penis found by Dick Humphreys, of Addisham Green, Kemsley

This has been The News From Kent.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Posted by Dave on February 28, 2015 at 09:41 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

February 27, 2015

'OH *MOM*' (EYEROLL)

Texas mom pulls gun on 14-year-old daughter's rival during playground girlfight

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 10:32 AM
Permalink | Comments (16)

WHERE IT WILL BE ISSUED A DRIVER'S LICENSE

Rat lungworm parasite makes its way to Florida

(Thanks to R&L Stevenson)

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 10:31 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

NO

Would you go out wearing 'nothing' but a few strategically placed pom-poms?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 10:28 AM
Permalink | Comments (15)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE LOOSE LLAMAS

Beware, the sheep-eating plants of Chile

(Thanks to Azaliah Yadinah-Parker)

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 10:27 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

'GO TO JAPAN TO BUY A TOILET SEAT'

Chinese tourists flooded Japan last week, spending an estimated $959 million in Japan’s shopping malls and department stores, according to Chinese state-run newspaper Global Times. While many splurged on luxury goods, the hot item this season was Japanese toilet seats.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 10:25 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

NATURE: NOW IT'S JUST MESSING WITH US

Meet 2 New Spider Species: 'Skeletorus' and 'Sparklemuffin'

Maratus_jactatus_male_photo_1

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 09:30 AM
Permalink | Comments (11)

WE DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS REAL

And we don't care.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 08:53 AM
Permalink | Comments (9)

THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH OUR REACTION TO THE BOOK

A FIFTY Shades fan caused the entire audience at a cinema to be evacuated after losing control of her body.

“She lost control of everything, including all bodily fluids. The whole cinema stank.”

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 08:36 AM
Permalink | Comments (10)

WHAT COLOR IS THIS DRESS?

Some people see blue and black; others see gold and white. Both perceptions are perfectly normal. If you see anything else, you should seek medical help immediately.

Download

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 08:27 AM
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WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR TONY ORLANDO

Loose llamas lassoed after running amok in Arizona, Washington

(Thanks to Judy B., Janice Gelb, Jon Harris and Jenny Kellner)

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 08:23 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

HELLO? HELLO?

Woman gets MOBILE PHONE stuck in her vagina after using it to pleasure herself

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

Posted by Dave on February 27, 2015 at 08:21 AM
Permalink | Comments (17)

February 26, 2015

SAD BUT TRUE

My parents had more fun than I did.

(From my new book, which will be on sale March 3, in exchange for money.)

Posted by Dave on February 26, 2015 at 10:51 AM
Permalink | Comments (22)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

New police squad aims to curb drug use, shoplifting, defecating

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Posted by Dave on February 26, 2015 at 09:24 AM
Permalink | Comments (17)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

A 23-year-old Florida woman found passed out behind the wheel of a running car said drugs found in her possession were to treat the back pain she gets from pole-dancing, authorities said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on February 26, 2015 at 09:18 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

MEN:

Do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, click here.

("Thanks" to Kevin Smith and Jan in Grimsby)

 

Posted by Dave on February 26, 2015 at 09:15 AM
Permalink | Comments (15)

WITH EVERY PASSING DAY, WE LOVE ROB FORD MORE

The notorious former Toronto mayor and now city councilor is auctioning off some of the memorabilia he has collected over the years, including what appears to be the football tie he wore when he admitted to smoking crack cocaine.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on February 26, 2015 at 09:09 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

WE DELIBERATELY RAM CARS SPORTING THE BUMPER STICKER 'CAUTION: SHOW DOGS'

A new poll conducted by PEMCO Insurance found that about one in five motorists in the Northwest admit they are less courteous to drivers sporting bumper stickers with messages they oppose.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Posted by Dave on February 26, 2015 at 09:07 AM
Permalink | Comments (16)

BUT THEY *LET IT IN*

Customs and Border Protection apprehends baby squirrel at Texas airport

(Thanks to John Mayson)

Posted by Dave on February 26, 2015 at 08:52 AM
Permalink | Comments (4)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Why a coffee is more likely to spill than a latte

(Thanks to Judy B.)

Posted by Dave on February 26, 2015 at 08:50 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

WHOA

Watch this octopus surprise-attack a crab

We do not ever want to be attacked by an octopus.

Advisory: Bad, yet appropriate, word at end.

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks)

Posted by Dave on February 26, 2015 at 08:48 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

WE ASSUME SHE'S RELATED TO TONY SOPRANO

New Jersey woman stole lunch money from children, ages 3 to 5, on school bus

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on February 26, 2015 at 08:45 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

February 25, 2015

DAMN CONVENTIONEERS

Sword fight at Dubai hotel leaves 4 men hospitalized

(Thanks to Poker)

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 01:50 PM
Permalink | Comments (13)

ALSO, FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Funerals are being held for ROBOTIC dogs in Japan because owners believe they have souls

(Thanks to George Byars)

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 01:46 PM
Permalink | Comments (7)

COLLEGE

It has changed.

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 01:38 PM
Permalink | Comments (21)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

London’s firefighters say sun rays refracted by a Nutella jar likely caused a house fire.

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 12:33 PM
Permalink | Comments (11)

HE HAD HIS REASONS

An angry Idaho man has been arrested for destroying property at a hotel in Jackpot after he allegedly jumped over the front desk and sprayed shaving cream on a computer and video camera screens.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 12:00 PM
Permalink | Comments (9)

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH THINGS TO EAT

KFC to offer edible coffee cups

(Thanks to Will Dooley, who says "Tastes just like chicken.")

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 11:58 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Kim Kardashian Goes Five Days Without Washing Her Hair

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 11:50 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

'YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT I HAVE FOUND'

Pranksters in an English town installed a toilet, sink and toilet paper holder at an outdoor bus stop, local officials said.

B-iZqjiIQAArmLd

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 11:48 AM
Permalink | Comments (11)

DAILY SPORTS UPDATE

Kevin Garnett is not afraid to throw teammates' phones in the toilet

This has been your Daily Sports Update.

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 11:44 AM
Permalink | Comments (4)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

STUDY FINDS BEER COMPOUND TO PROTECT THE BRAIN, PREVENT ALZHEIMER’S

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

On The Other Hand: Heavy drinkers have the lowest IQs, study claims

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Bill Jones)

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 10:01 AM
Permalink | Comments (12)

OOPS

Paedophile teacher immortalised on school memorial gates with the words 'He touched us all'

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

Posted by Dave on February 25, 2015 at 09:32 AM
Permalink | Comments (13)

February 24, 2015

THE REALLY FRIENDLY SKIES

Jetstar passenger drinks, gropes seatmate, pleasures himself, gets arrested

(Thanks to Poker)

Posted by Dave on February 24, 2015 at 02:45 PM
Permalink | Comments (21)

YOU NEED IT

The Face Blanket. Seriously.

 (Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on February 24, 2015 at 11:37 AM
Permalink | Comments (19)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Mother, 29, who ran through hotel naked 'after her friend stole her pants' is slapped with an obscenity charge

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on February 24, 2015 at 11:33 AM
Permalink | Comments (12)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE MONKEES

The mysterious genes of carnivorous bladderwort reveal themselves

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

Posted by Dave on February 24, 2015 at 11:32 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

'LIKE GETTING HIT BY A CANNON'

Rhode Island bathroom explodes with New York man inside

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on February 24, 2015 at 11:17 AM
Permalink | Comments (10)

BUT WE ALL KNOW THE SQUIRRELS WERE REALLY BEHIND IT

After 8 centuries, rats exonerated in spread of Black Death. Gerbils implicated.

(Thanks to Rick Day, Alkali Bill, W. von Papineau and Bill Hudgins)

Posted by Dave on February 24, 2015 at 11:14 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Man tells cops he was drunk when he stole horse for ride to Mardi Gras parade

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

Posted by Dave on February 24, 2015 at 11:08 AM
Permalink | Comments (2)

February 23, 2015

ATTENTION, WEALTHY IDIOTS:

This chocolate costs £169 per bar and you have to eat it with wooden tongs

(Thanks to Alan at Division)

Posted by Dave on February 23, 2015 at 05:49 PM
Permalink | Comments (5)

IF YOU'D LIKE TO SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST AND GET *EVEN MORE EMAIL* THAN YOU ALREADY DO...

...please go here.

Posted by Dave on February 23, 2015 at 05:46 PM
Permalink | Comments (18)

LOOK! UP IN THE SKY!

Solar farm sets 130 birds on FIRE

(Thanks to Alan at Division)

Posted by Dave on February 23, 2015 at 05:37 PM
Permalink | Comments (10)

*RESEARCHERS* ARE SAYING THIS, DUDE

Marijuana may be even safer than previously thought, researchers say

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on February 23, 2015 at 05:26 PM
Permalink | Comments (3)

THEY PUT HER IN HANDCUFFS

Woman caught masturbating during ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on February 23, 2015 at 10:51 AM
Permalink | Comments (20)

FOR THIS YOU WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL

The federal government is looking for doctors to help monitor suspected smugglers’ bowel movements at John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Dad-O-Lot)

Posted by Dave on February 23, 2015 at 10:49 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Four out of five women don't shower every day

(Thanks to Ty Jones)

Posted by Dave on February 23, 2015 at 10:38 AM
Permalink | Comments (13)

WHERE THE HELL IS THE UNITED NATIONS?

Ontario town split on whether there's an apostrophe in its name

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on February 23, 2015 at 10:36 AM
Permalink | Comments (14)

 
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