February 04, 2016

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH SO FAR

Following an alleged prank call at the Morro Bay Burger King on Saturday evening, a restaurant employee crashed his car through the front entrance and then crashed into part of the drive through.

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

Posted by Dave on February 4, 2016 at 06:03 AM
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PAGING DOCTOR TERMINIX

Indian girl has had ONE THOUSAND giant ants removed from her ears after the insects got inside and began breeding... with ten emerging EVERY DAY

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

Posted by Dave on February 4, 2016 at 05:57 AM
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February 03, 2016

THE WASHINGTON POST HUNT

It's on.

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 04:24 PM
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ONE OF THE GREATS IS GONE

Bob Elliott died. My dad was a huge fan of Bob and Ray, so I grew up listening to them. They were as good as any comedy team ever -- a wonderful combination of smart and silly.

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 01:28 PM
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APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Kim Kardashian's Poll About Kanye West Got More Votes Than Iowa Caucus

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 12:28 PM
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BRILLIANT

The Jolly Roger Telephone Co. was created by Roger Anderson, and it's a robot that talks to telemarketers (or anyone you want) by starting with “hello?” and keeps the conversation going by responding during silent moments with affirmatives like “yeah,” “uh-huh,” and “right.”

(Thanks to James in NC)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 12:26 PM
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GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Makers of 'mindblowing' sex robot with virtual vagina swamped with orders

(Thanks to Dave D and Jeff Schneider)

Vaguely Related: Kim Anami can lift coconuts, household objects and even a surfboard using her vagina and believes that vaginal weightlifting can empower women

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 12:22 PM
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YOU SHOW SOME INITIATIVE, AND THIS IS WHAT YOU GET

A student at Emerson College in Boston says he's facing disciplinary action after renting out his dorm room on Airbnb.

(Thanks to funny man)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 12:06 PM
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IN MIAMI HE WOULD LAST MAYBE 30 SECONDS

A Queens man is taking matters into his own hands when it comes to law-breaking motorists by slapping their cars with “I park like an A–HOLE” bumper stickers.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 12:03 PM
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WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

North Korea bombards South with used toilet paper

(Thanks to John Mayson and W. von Papineau)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 12:01 PM
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GOOD BOY

Watch This Badass Dog Save Its Owner From A Sneak Attack By One Of The Most Venomous Snakes In The World

(Thanks to Rick Day)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 06:26 AM
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GOOD LUCK WITH THE PAPERWORK

A man named Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop, 34, is accused of assaulting an Evergreen State College police officer and a Thurston County deputy in Olympia, Wash.

(Thanks to Steve K and John Mayson)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 06:23 AM
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MAYBE THEY SHOULD PAY COUNCIL MEMBERS NOT TO PASS BILLS

The D.C. Council voted unanimously Tuesday to approve a bill that includes a proposal to pay residents a stipend not to commit crimes.

(Thanks to Madeleine)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 06:20 AM
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PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

First test-tube MEATBALL revealed

(Thanks to Will Dooley and Dan Barr, who saw them open for the Ramones)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 06:12 AM
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YOU KNOW THE SQUIRRELS WERE BEHIND THIS

Raccoon boards Toronto subway during morning rush

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 06:09 AM
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THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

St. Cloud homeowners find catfish in mailboxes

(Thanks to Madeleine, Stan Ruth, Jeff Schneider, coscolo, Patty Villanova and Ralph)

Posted by Dave on February 3, 2016 at 06:06 AM
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February 02, 2016

THERE IS ONLY ONE POSSIBLE STATE

Woman posts live video of herself after being shot in Opa-locka Burger King drive-through

Posted by Dave on February 2, 2016 at 06:30 PM
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GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Scientists have discovered what causes Resting Bitch Face

Posted by Dave on February 2, 2016 at 06:11 PM
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WE NEED A HERO

Manly ferry passenger throws girl’s vuvuzela overboard, prompting a complaint to police

Posted by Dave on February 2, 2016 at 02:04 PM
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PHIL'S ALIBI IS THAT HE WAS WITH BILL MURRAY

Punxsutawney Phil's Canadian rival dies

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Posted by Dave on February 2, 2016 at 01:49 PM
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WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on February 2, 2016 at 01:42 PM
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THIS JUST IN

Florida man screams about penis size, then shows his off

Posted by Dave on February 2, 2016 at 10:04 AM
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'THEY'RE CERTAINLY NOT LOCALS'

Outbreak of female, vampire-like attackers in New Zealand

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

Posted by Dave on February 2, 2016 at 06:29 AM
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YOUTH FASHION UPDATE

A Bizarre Cat Tail Slash Butt Onesie From Japan

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on February 2, 2016 at 06:19 AM
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'I HAD TO BEAT A HASTY RETREAT'

A police community support officer was mistaken for a stripogram when he accidentally stumbled in on a 50th birthday party in Wiltshire.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on February 2, 2016 at 06:14 AM
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WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Ancient arachnid erection enshrined in amber

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on February 2, 2016 at 06:10 AM
Permalink | Comments (11)

February 01, 2016

*WE'RE* NOT SAYING THIS. *SCIENTISTS* ARE SAYING THIS.

Female brain is not wired for weight loss, scientists conclude

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

Posted by Dave on February 1, 2016 at 03:35 PM
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YES

Dutch Police Are Training Eagles to Capture Drones

(Thanks to DaninDallas and David Emery)

Posted by Dave on February 1, 2016 at 02:22 PM
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THE LOW-FLOW-TOILETS ISSUE THAT COULD DETERMINE THE FATE OF THE ELECTION

Dear Dave:

I was glad to see that you were again bringing the crisis of low-flow toilets to the American consciousness. Unfortunately, Jeb, statistically speaking, has only a slightly better chance than you of becoming POTUS.
You may be aware that our benevolent overlords, in addition to mandating low-flow toilets, also mandated low-flow showers. Manufacturers complied with the Federal idiocracy by putting plastic restrictor plugs into showerheads and shower massage-type handheld attachments. The manufacturers, in their instructions, clearly pointed out where the restrictor plugs were and that they could easily be removed, but that would be WRONG and AGAINST THE LAW. Americans enthusiastically still enjoyed their showers.
Apparently the Feds were unhappy about all this happiness and started pressuring (see what I did there?) the companies who made the shower faucet valves to reduce the total possible flow, and not with some part that a rebellious outlaw could remove. Oh, no. A fix to this requires lawless Americans to shut off their water, remove the valve, and engage in some precision drilling to once again enjoy our God-given right to adequate water flow in our shower. I will point out that I was probably NOT able to find, by carefully searching the Internets, step-by-step photos of the valve and what should NOT be done to alter the valve because it would be WRONG and ILLEGAL.

This has been your Low-Flow Crisis Update.

Allen at Division

Posted by Dave on February 1, 2016 at 02:12 PM
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IT GETS LONELY IN THE JUNGLE

National Liberation Army Terrorists caught in bikinis after performing bizarre midnight drag routine in the jungle

(Thanks to funny man)

Posted by Dave on February 1, 2016 at 02:09 PM
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DUDE, THAT'S LIKE, UMMM

Marijuana May Affect Verbal Memory

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Related: Women are putting marijuana into their whaddycallits.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Posted by Dave on February 1, 2016 at 02:06 PM
Permalink | Comments (11)

BRILLIANT

NAACP leader uses F-word to apologize for using T-word after N-word meeting

(Thanks to Phil Kelly)

Posted by Dave on February 1, 2016 at 06:28 AM
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'NO, *I'M* GONNA MAKE THE SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT!'

A Delta Air Lines flight from Los Angeles to Minneapolis had to make an unscheduled landing in Utah because two flight female flight attendants got into a fistfight at 37,000 feet.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

Posted by Dave on February 1, 2016 at 06:19 AM
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DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Watch a female shark eat a male shark at an aquarium because she's the boss.

(Thanks to Mike Ester)

Posted by Dave on February 1, 2016 at 06:13 AM
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WE'RE SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

UK police arrest suspect with 38 phones in his trousers

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on February 1, 2016 at 06:11 AM
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WE SAW SATANIC GOAT OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Mum forced to sell cottage after being terrorised by a satanic GOAT

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

Posted by Dave on February 1, 2016 at 06:09 AM
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January 31, 2016

DON'T TREAD (OR ANYTHING ELSE) ON ME

The Uncompahgre Valley Water Users Association must pay disability compensation to a former employee, whose supervisor previously tormented staff with “pranks” that included defecating in lunches, attempting to defecate on coworkers in the field and setting off homemade bombs.

(Thanks to Gerald S.)

Posted by judi on January 31, 2016 at 01:35 PM
Permalink | Comments (6)

AND THEY'LL COME WITH A COMPLIMENTARY DRIVER'S LICENSE

AK-47s to be manufactured in the Sunshine State.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Posted by judi on January 31, 2016 at 01:20 PM
Permalink | Comments (7)

UPDATE FROM IOWA

The big issue: Sod.

Posted by Dave on January 31, 2016 at 09:37 AM
Permalink | Comments (19)

January 30, 2016

DUUUUDE

Aggressive Coyotes may be high on shrooms

(Thanks to Madeleine)

Posted by judi on January 30, 2016 at 11:02 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

MY TARGET READER DEMOGRAPHIC

Here's Dylan Maxwell Barry, who calls me Bop Bop, critiquing one of my books.

 

Posted by Dave on January 30, 2016 at 10:49 AM
Permalink | Comments (24)

BECAUSE SCIENCE

Earth happened just like a Reese's peanut butter cup.

(Thanks to Dan B.)

Posted by judi on January 30, 2016 at 10:47 AM
Permalink | Comments (13)

THE FURRIES ARE AT IT AGAIN

This time they're porn-tweeting cereal icons.

(Thanks to judy b.)

Posted by judi on January 30, 2016 at 10:44 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

THEY JUST WANTED IT TO STOP

Police in Amsterdam mistakenly kicked in the door of a local opera singer after residents called in reports of a man screaming.

(Thanks to Ralph K., Jon Harris, and Jeff Meyerson)

In extremely vaguely related news, the tutu situation is perilous*.

(Thanks to Monique C.)

*The Perilous Tutus WBAGNFARB

Posted by judi on January 30, 2016 at 10:38 AM
Permalink | Comments (11)

January 29, 2016

UPDATE FROM IOWA

Try the chipped beef.

Posted by Dave on January 29, 2016 at 04:51 PM
Permalink | Comments (14)

GOING FOR THE GOLD

A Swedish sled dog was able to win a gold medal in the national championships despite taking time to relieve itself seconds before crossing the finish line.

(Thanks to Jeff S. and Kevin S.)

Posted by judi on January 29, 2016 at 11:50 AM
Permalink | Comments (24)

NEWS YOU CANNOT USE

But "Penis Panics" is fun to say.

(Thanks to funny man)

Posted by judi on January 29, 2016 at 11:43 AM
Permalink | Comments (20)

January 28, 2016

IOWA CAMPAIGN UPDATE

Here's how I got this T-shirt.

Rocky Shirt (1)

Posted by Dave on January 28, 2016 at 03:06 PM
Permalink | Comments (15)

THE LEAST WEIRD THING ABOUT THIS STORY

...is that flight attendants serve food and drink to dolls.

(Thanks to Steve T.) 

Posted by judi on January 28, 2016 at 11:20 AM
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BREAKFAST ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL

The key is nutritional balance.

20160128_100525

Posted by Dave on January 28, 2016 at 11:09 AM
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