Dave Barry's Blog

DATELINE, LOBOMBA

It's good to be king.

(Thanks to Bruce Webster)

PRESIDENTIAL JUGGERNAUT UPDATE

If you want to read random answers to strange questions find out where I stand on the issues in the presidential campaign, you can go here and click on "Dave Barry for Prez." Or not!

THE JUGGERNAUT IS ROLLING

(Thanks to Field Coordinator Ted Habte-Gabr)

WE MAY BE A SURGING CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT

But there's always time for shopping!

(With sincere gratitude and the promise of some graft 'n stuff to graphic artist and image designer Mike Seidel)

NOTE: Bumper stickers will be printed in about 2 weeks; we'll be offering them on the website, as we did for the last campaign. Buttons will be available as soon as Mikey finished the round design.

THE '08 BANDWAGON IS ROLLING

Here's Field Coordinator Ted Habte-Gabr, at the wheel.

BUMPER-STICKER SLOGAN DECISION

I have painstakingly reviewed all 16 million entries in the bumper-sticker-slogan contest, in consultation with a distinguished panel of experts consisting of Mrs. Blog, judi, and Mr. Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post. After literally weeks of thoughtful consideration, the panel and I have decided to go with the following slogan, which was one of the first ones sent in:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Yes, of the United States

This slogan was submitted by "Dad-O-Lot," who will receive, as punishment a token of our gratitude, a bottle of this high-quality prank product, if we can figure out a way to send it without violating the Homeland Security Act.

There were many strong runner-up slogans, including:

-- "Or Are You Too Chicken?" from Steve Jens, who also submitted "Basically, He Wants Attention";

-- "The Rest of the World Is Laughing at Us Anyway," by Meanie the Blue, who also submitted "It's Not Like You Care";

-- "My Kid Is an Honor Student," by Chris Knight;

-- "If He Shoots a Lawyer in the Face, It Will Be on Purpose," by Beppie;

-- "Puttin' the 'Mock' Back in 'Democracy'," by JP;

-- "He's Actually a Black Woman," by gfunksizzle;

-- "Because Nothing Isn't Going to Do Itself," by tuxmask3.

...and many, many more excellent ones, including the one that you, personally, submitted, which I liked the best but which was vetoed by judi so blame her.

Anyway, our next step is to have the winning slogan printed on a bumper sticker, which ideally we will have done before election day. After that the campaign will really kick into "high gear" under the direction of the Campaign Field Coordinator, Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr, who will be out in the field doing his horizontal level best to gauge the mood of the voters.

Thanks to all of you who participated in the contest. Now let us join together in making this country a better place for me future generations.   

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.