Dave Barry's Blog

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Wooden Dialogue Time.

Be here, or be an extremely large brassiere.

WAIT A MINUTE... ISN'T THIS THE GUY WHO JUST SHRUGGED OFF A STAB WOUND TO THE STOMACH?

Kiefer has been taken out of action by a cyst.

(Thanks to many people)

GET READY

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Vaguely Related Item: We can't wait for the movie version of this.

(Thanks to Joe Hicks)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Renee "went dark" (if you catch our meaning) (our meaning is "had sex") with the Russian mobster Vladimir in an effort to get him to arrange the sale of the Deadly Nuclear Rods of Death to Jack, who is posing as a non-credible German. Vladimir tried to have his henchpersons whack Jack, but of course that didn't work, so Vladimir has agreed to meet with Jack in what we are sure will be an amicable get-together.

Meanwhile in subplot action:

-- Bazhaev the kingpin Russian mobster, a believer in the tough-love school of parenting, shot his son Oleg, thus ending that particular subplot.
-- Highly qualified agent Dana Walsh met with her pondscum ex-boyfriend Kevin and gave him a keycard so he can go steal impounded drug money and then leave her alone forever, which of course will not happen, as Kevin is the persistent yeast infection of ex-boyfriends.
-- President Woman President and Generic Islamic Republic President Sham continue to blather ponderously about whatever in dramatically lit rooms.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments after for the always helpful wrapup by the always Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

Do we think Renee will survive this season?
	Yes.
	No.
	I'm not sure she'll make it to the first commercial break.
	This is off-topic, but: I have never once heard the Geico gecko say anything remotely clever.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE:  Which is creepier: The Wolfman, or the E*Trade baby?

UPDATE: "Jack seems to be in control." Har.

UPDATE: The more psychotic Renee gets, the more men want her.

UPDATE: Somehow I think Kevin will find a way to screw this up.

UPDATE: 4660! That's MY code!

UPDATE: Section 3101! That's MY section!

UPDATE: Math is not Kevin's strong suit.

UPDATE: Jack so so going to kill this man.

UPDATE: Wait... he shot Oleg like 20 minutes ago, and already they're burying him?

UPDATE: The Semi of Doom.

UPDATE: Does Eric Clapton really need the money?

UPDATE: I mean, he's Eric Freaking Clapton.

UPDATE: Advertising a cellphone.

UPDATE: President Sham is a badass.

UPDATE: This is why you so rarely see Nobel Prize winners who live in trailers.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: Where is Jack? Where is Chloe? Marwan?

UPDATE: Are these people not on U.S. soil? They can't detain anybody, right?

UPDATE: Renee IS Anthony Perkins.

UPDATE: Jack threw that knife BACKHANDED.

UPDATE: Just a stab wound to Jack's abdomen. The equivalent of a zit for a human.

UPDATE: I think Jack and Renee really could be a happy couple, except that he could never sleep safely when she was around.

UPDATE: The Rod People are coming!

UPDATE: That's a nasty fake shirt stain.

UPDATE: This show would not be able to exist without secret underground tunnels.

UPDATE: The thing about the Charles Barkley Taco Bell ad is, it raises the issue that if you eat at Taco Bell, you could look like Charles Barkley.

UPDATE: Next week: Jack gets jump-started. Take it, Amazing Steve.

24

Here is where we stand:

Renee, with the help of the cooperative Ziya, has convinced the Russian mob that she has a buyer for the lethal nuclear uranium rods of death. The buyer is of course Jack, wearing a disguise.

The Russian mobster son who got careless with the rods, Oleg, was taken by his brother to get medical care from a doctor, who will no doubt be rewarded for his cooperation.

In other subplot action, highly qualified CTU agent Dana Walsh is being blackmailed by her ex-boyfriend Kevin.  Meanwhile President Woman President, Generic Islamic Republic President Sham, and the officers of CTU are all like blah blah blah international crisis blah blah blah extremely urgent blah blah blah.

Edgar is still dead.

Advisory: My wife, who has bizarre priorities and thus values human interaction above watching 24, scheduled a dinner engagement for us this evening. I made her promise that we'll be home by 9, but sometimes her scheduling is a little off, so I may be a few minutes late. Feel free to start without me. And of course be sure to stay tuned in the comments after the show for the amazing recap by The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

What do you think will happen in the subplot involving Agent Walsh and her despicable boyfriend Kevin?
	He will kill her.
	She will kill him, ideally by using a uranium rod as a suppository.
	Chloe will kill them both.
	I don't care, as long as they keep showing Agent Walsh.
	Like maybe she could go swimming, if you catch our drift.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: OK, I am here. But I will be honest: They were selling beer at the restaurant.

UPDATE: I'm gathering I didn't miss much.

UPDATE: Are there any commercials that are NOT for Geico?

UPDATE: Why do the Republic of the Generic Republic of Islam Republic people speak English when they are just generically hanging out with each other?

UPDATE:  He in fact DID stare at Chloe's ass as she walked away.

UPDATE: Kevin's van was provided by Central Redneck Van Casting.

UPDATE: Renee wears her communications device in the shower!

UPDATE: Renee is going dark, if you catch our drift.

UPDATE: The Russians also prefer to speak English, except for "Da." ("Yo.")

UPDATE: I barely recognized Jack in the glasses.

UPDATE: I'm thinking I could have had several more beers.

UPDATE: It is not clear whether Renee and Vladimir did It or not. But if they did, It was rapid.

UPDATE: The Russians need to agree on an accent.

UPDATE: He's dead, Jim.

UPDATE: "I am pulling you out." Heheheheheh.

UPDATE: Take it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Digit Removal Time. Be here, or be a Mousketeer.

SOMEBODY'S THIGH IS GONNA BE HAMBURGER

(Thanks to Bryan and sjhaller)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack and Chloe and Special Agent Freddie Prinze Jr. thwarted the plot to kill Generic Islamic Republic President Sham, whose brother was planning to buy deadly nuclear rods from the Russians, who have brought the rods to New York City, a flagrant violation of city health ordinances. So now the Russians are looking for a new buyer. Fortunately, ex-FBI-agent and hot person love interest from last season Renee just happened to be in New York City, and -- in another extremely believable coincidence -- she used to work undercover with the Russians.

At the end of the previous episode, Renee removed a parole bracelet from a lower-level Russian mobster by putting his hand in a vice and using a circular saw to cut off his thumb, an action that totally shocked Jack inasmuch as Renee -- in flagrant violation of CTU regulations -- was not wearing safety goggles. So now Jack realizes that, in addition to being hot, Renee is a psychotic homicidal lunatic. He has never wanted her more.

In subplot action, highly qualified CTU agent Diana Walsh is probably going to go kill her slimebag ex-boyfriend. Or maybe she's going to get her laundry. We don't really care, as long as she continues to get screen time.

Edgar is still dead.

Be sure to stay tuned in comments after the show for the authoritative recap from The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

What do you think of the new Renee?
	She is insane.
	But in a good way.
	We should send her to Washington.
	If she and Jack end up in bed together, there will be no survivors.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Nothing has happened yet.

UPDATE: Why don't the makers of V-8 just throw in the towel and start putting alcohol in it?

UPDATE: What still bothers me about last week is, when Renee was cutting off the guy's thumb, why didn't he use his other hand to, I don't know, try to stop her?

UPDATE: They could at least get the radiation brother a Netflix account.

UPDATE: Renee seems surprised that the guy is bleeding from where SHE CUT OFF HIS THUMB.

UPDATE: WHO ARE YOU CALLING UNSTABLE?????????????

UPDATE: What a baby! He loses one lousy thumb and he's all "Waahhh, I lost my thumb."

UPDATE: I wonder if they smuggled the rods into the country in their underpants. No, wait! I bet they put them in clear, one-quart, resealable plastic bags! Those fiends.

UPDATE: The severed-thumb guy's mood sure perked up fast.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: Seriously, this is the fastest thumb-severing recovery ever.

UPDATE: Hey! Russians say "I'm just saying."

UPDATE: OK, a half-hour gone, and nothing has happened.

UPDATE: I want a thing in my ear that tells me what to say.

UPDATE: Renee is in the Trunk of Radio Silence.

UPDATE: Still no actual action.

UPDATE: Have I mentioned that I totally do not see the appeal of the Geico gecko?

UPDATE; Now THIS is how you get health care.

UPDATE: A CTU operation! Nothing can go wrong!

UPDATE: Jack of course knows exactly where Newton Creek is in New York City.

UPDATE: I am totally strunned and shocked and surprised that Vladimir did not kill Renee, a featured character.

UPDATE: In other words, nothing happened this week.

UPDATE: Next week: Round glasses! Renee in a towel! Take it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Power Tool Time.

Be here. We wouldn't want anybody should lose a digit. 

BELATED ANALYSIS OF LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE OF 24, WHICH I JUST WATCHED

Regarding the ending: Whoa.

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack had planned to move to Los Angeles with Kim and her family to lead a quiet life, but just as he was about to leave New York and cause the entire season to end in the first 30 minutes, Jack got sucked into a plot to kill the head of the Generic Islamic Republic, President Sham, who has been negotiating a nuclear treaty with President Woman President and also bonking a professional journalist who has been set up as the fall person for the plot by the real plotters. Jack and Chloe tried to explain this to CTU Director Brian Hastings, who does not believe them because, in keeping with established CTU-director tradition, he has the anti-terrorism instincts of lasagna. So now Jack and Chloe are Going It Alone against a terrorist group that will stop at nothing, including using duct tape on innocent civilians.

Also there is a personal subplot involving highly qualified CTU agent Dana Walsh, and although we have no idea what this subplot is, we strongly urge the writers to continue developing it, even if it requires eliminating the scenes involving terrorism.

Edgar is still dead.

I cannot join you tronight; as you read these words, I am on an airplane bound for a secret desert location to engage in professional work activities. But as always you are welcome to post your thoughtful analysis in the comments, where we also hope to see the traditional post-episode recaps by The Amazing Steve, who was even more amazing than usual last night, which makes us frankly wonder how the heck he does it.

24 SEASON PREMIERE

Here is where we stand:

Last season, there were many developments in what we like to call the "plot." The main one was of course that the White House was taken over by terrorist frogpersons. That was definitely the highlight of the season, and possibly of all human history.

Other than that, we honestly don't recall much of what happened last season, except that at the very end Jack Bauer was continuing to die, as he had been for months, from exposure to the Deadly Death Canister of Lethal Doom. Fortunately, in the off-season he was cured, thanks to a risky experimental medical procedure that involved being pressed from both sides by live human bosoms.

Jack is now living in New York City, so we can safely assume that there will be a terrorist attack there. If the authorities had any sense, they would immediately evacuate any metropolitan area within a 50-mile radius of Jack. (Of course if the authorities had any sense, they would not be on 24.) Meanwhile Chloe is back working for the CTU, which is now headquartered – Here's a coincidence! – in New York City. The president is still President Woman President. Edgar is still dead.

We'll attempt with little success to analyze the action here; stay tuned in the comments at the end when The Amazing Steve will briefly remove the syringe from his arm and explain what happened.

ADVISORY: Be advised that tomorrow night at (we think) 8 Eastern Perimeter Thigh Stabbing Time there will be another two-hour episode. Be further advised that we personally will be on an airplane at that time, so we will be unable to blog it. In fact, under current TSA anti-terrorist regulations, we will be unable to even think about blogging it. Or, pee. Or, think about peeing. So tomorrow night you will be on your own. (To answer a question in the comments: There will be a post here tomorrow night where you can post your analyses.)

UPDATE: This is not directly related to the season premiere of 24, but: It appears as though Hulk Hogan is going to get his prized toilet seat back.

UPDATE:The show that's on before 24 looks a lot like 24.

UPDATE: Here is the best comment so far, especially considering that the show has not started. From Jeff Tompkins: "I have established a perimeter made up of various types of Lance™ crackers. Ready."

Also this, from a sonnet written by ford79:

So how's Kim's DNA affecting Jack?
His hair's now blond. He has a killer rack.

RELATED UPDATE: Meanwhile on the Golden Globe awards: Bazooms!

UPDATE: OK, about the parachute thing on the show before 24: Are you kidding me?

UPDATE: I thought crack was illegal in New York City, along with trans-fats.

UPDATE: This is a lot of corpses during the opening credits. A good sign!

UPDATE: Good to know you can still hot-wire any random car by touching any two random wires together.

UPDATE: Jack was a millisecond away from ripping the head off that stuffed animal.

UPDATE: The president (or whatever he is) of the Middle Eastern nation looks like Sam, of Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs.

UPDATE: Good to know the Wooden Dialogue Generator is still working!

UPDATE: I can take only so much of Jack being mellow.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if the mole turned out to be... Jack's granddaughter?

UPDATE: Is that a gun in your pants?

UPDATE: He's going to reinstate her credential, if you know what I mean, heheheheh.

UPDATE: OK, do we know Victor? I have no memory of Victor. Or, for that matter, last week.

UPDATE: "There's a big hit going down." That's how they really talk! Really! They use hep lingo!

UPDATE: CTU looks like a sports bar, only tackier.

UPDATE: CTU porn!

UPDATE: Why is the blond CTU amazon babe wearing a cocktail dress? Not that I am complaining.

UPDATE: "The Islamic Republic?"

UPDATE: Ethan is taking his Viagra.

UPDATE: "I ain't dead yet." Thanks for the foreshadowing, writers!

UPDATE: So.... rather than just go get Jack and Victor, they have Jack walk Victor through the streets of New York. OK! Nothing can go wrong with that plan!

UPDATE: Helicopter = bomb.

UPDATE: Suddenly, for no reason I can think of, I want to buy a Sprint brand phone.

UPDATE: He shot off the lock! They are pulling out ALL of the stops.

UPDATE: Thanks for playing, Victor!

UPDATE: Why couldn't there, just one time, be a good journalist?

UPDATE: 23 hours to go.

UPDATE: Seriously, that is a cocktail dress.

UPDATE: A half-hour! I guess they can get the interview done in that time.

UPDATE: Chloe has yearned for the moment when she could debrief Jack.

UPDATE: We're supposed to suspect the wife. Therefore, we should suspect the daughter.

UPDATE: Or the little rodent guy with the bad hairstyle.

UPDATE: Rodent guy it is.

UPDATE: Hot babe subplot!

UPDATE: 22.5 hours to go.

UPDATE: CTU: Eight Straight Years, and Counting, of Being Wrong.

UPDATE: Gosh, I wonder what Jack will decide... Will he leave? Or will he... become involved with the plot?

UPDATE:Yes! Jack has joined the team and will do whatever it takes to keep this man alive.

 

UPDATE: Is that a polygraph machine, or a manicure device? 

UPDATE: I sense that this is the slow buildup to the slam-bang episode finale.

UPDATE: A little less than 22.25 hours to go.

UPDATE: Tick.... tick... tick....

UPDATE: THEY TOOK JACK'S SACK! THOSE FOOLS.

UPDATE: Whew for them. They gave it back.

UPDATE: Wow. A thigh shot NOT FIRED BY JACK.

UPDATE: OK, that finale was not much in the way of slam-bang.

UPDATE: Take it, Amazing Steve.

GET READY

It is on for Sunday night: Jack Bauer in the Big Apple, where he apparently has found work as a designer of ladies' evening wear, not that there is anything wrong with that.

(Thanks to Siouxie for the link)

Yes, this blog will be drinking beer and ranting closely monitoring the show Sunday night. According to our sources, the plot will be pretty much the same as it always is up to the high standards established in previous seasons.

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

(Sent in by many people)

SHOOT A HOLE IN THE THIGH OF YOUR CALENDAR FOR JAN. 17

Jack is back.

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy, who notes, ominously, that this trailer features both Kim and hip-hop)

HO HO HOOOOOOOOOO

Jack Bauer interrogates Santa

(Thanks to Ray, Rod Kirby, Matt Filar, Allen at Division and of course The Amazing Steve)

A DAY OF NATIONAL CELEBRATION

She's not coming back.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

WE CAN QUIT ANY TIME WE WANT

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT'S HARD TO COOPERATE WITH A BULLET IN YOUR THIGH

NEW YORK – Kiefer Sutherland's legal troubles for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer in a New York City nightclub are over.

The Manhattan district attorney's spokeswoman said Tuesday that misdemeanor assault charges against the actor are being dropped because the alleged victim wouldn't cooperate with prosecutors.

(Thanks to RussellMc and Jeff Meyerson. And nursecindy.)

WE GIVE HIM EIGHT MINUTES TOPS

Freddie Prinze Jr. joins '24'

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack is still dying, as he has been since approximately 1986. Last week he caught Tony, but two members of the evil cabal found Kim at the airport when her flight was delayed; they told Jack they will kill her if he doesn't let Tony go. Olivia -- played by actress Sprague Grayden, whose name can be rearranged to spell "Gay Dung Reapers" -- might get in trouble for hiring an assassin to kill Jon Voight, but frankly nobody cares about that subplot.

What we want to know is how the season will end. Will Jack die? Probably not, unless they intend to base the entire next season around his funeral. Will Tony die? Possibly, but he has died before, and he made a complete recovery. Will Kim die, either from getting whacked by the cabal or from starving to death waiting for a flight-status announcement? Will there be a mole in President Woman President's administration? Will Chloe exhibit a new facial expression?

All we can say with any certainty at this point is that Edgar will remain dead.

Be sure to stick around in the comments afterward for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve, who has been especially amazing this season. Meantime, here is your final scientific poll:

Kiefer Sutherland recently stated that the next season of "24" will be more realistic. What do you think he meant?
	The writers will smoke less crack.
	Jack will go to the bathroom.
	Jack's cell phone will lack supercomputer capabilities, and the battery will run low.
	The White House will have interior lighting.
	People traveling from Point A to Point B will obey the laws of physics.
	Nobody will come back from the dead.
	Sometimes an actor will read a line, then burst out laughing.
	When the bad guys shoot 37,000 bullets, one of them will hit something.
	Chloe will spend an entire episode waiting impatiently while Vista installs important updates.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Check out the summary of the season in haiku in the comments by Ford 79, an alumnus of this blog's college, Haverford (Motto: "Real World? WHAT Real World?").

UPDATE: So Hodges died, what, less than two hours ago, and they already, at this hour, have a full legal investigation under way? With lawyers? OK! Sure!

UPDATE: Why does the president always speak as if she is addressing Labador retrievers?

UPDATE: Yeah, a door would definitely scratch your neck like that.

UPDATE: YES!!! It has been SO long since Jack shot anybody in the leg.

UPDATE: So Jack actually COULD die, and next season could consist of the evil cabal releasing his pathogen-ridden organs into major cities, possibly disguised as, I don't know, McNuggets.

UPDATE: Pepsi Throwback? PEPSI THROWBACK??

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but I don't care about the Olivia subplot.

UPDATE: So the entire legal investigation took, what, 16 minutes?

UPDATE: Right, don't send the police to the airport or anything.

UPDATE: Seriously: Pepsi Throwback?

UPDATE: The other passengers are like, "Great, now we'll REALLY be delayed."

UPDATE: For the first time EVER, a cell-phone battery dies on 24!

UPDATE: I, for one, do not want to see Ethan strip-searched.

UPDATE: If they try to check his prostate, they are DEAD.

UPDATE: If you want my opinion -- and I know you do -- Jack has spent WAY too much time this season incapacitated.

UPDATE: So all of this is just so Tony can get to the top guy? Tony's actually GOOD??

UPDATE: "It was chaos!" Yep. That is exactly what shooting victims say.

UPDATE: "Hang on! Help is on the way!" Seriously.

UPDATE: Kim! Slinging the lingo!

UPDATE: "His field experience fills a knowledge gap in regards to our logistics and planning." How did she say that without losing some teeth?

UPDATE: YESSSSSSSSSSS

UPDATE: Even if they had removed all of Jack's vital organs, he would have kicked their asses.

UPDATE: I believe this is the second forklift to be used for violent purposes this season. The prop department must have gotten a deal.

UPDATE: I just want to fast-forward through the Olivia subplot.

UPDATE: Alan Wilson! I KNEW it! Or Allen Wilson.

UPDATE: They have not made the duct tape that can hold Jack Bauer.

UPDATE: Let's see: Jack, who is dying, has to get out of handcuffs, get rid of the bomb and overpower like 15 thugs. OK!

UPDATE: Renee knows the trigger mechanism and can disarm it! You don't let go of a gal like that.

UPDATE: I get the feeling Tony does not care for Alan. Or Allen.

UPDATE: So they got Allen or Alan, and Tony is in custody... So what happens in the final half-hour? It has to be a Big Surprise, yes? They certainly can't be putting all their chips on resolving the Olivia subplot, right? RIGHT??

UPDATE: "Do you regret anything that you did today?" "Some of the dialog, yes."

UPDATE: Oh, no. Not Henry. Please.

UPDATE: We are WASTING TIME ON THIS SUBPLOT, writers.

UPDATE: This would be much more powerful if we didn't know that Kiefer has signed for another season.

UPDATE: OK, this has turned into a soap opera.

UPDATE: Renee is now... Jack!

UPDATE: I guess we're all pretty shocked that Kim wants to do the stem-cell procedure.

UPDATE: OK, that started off in a promising manner, but it totally deflated after they caught Allen, or Alan, and we didn't even get to see Renee beat him up. I don't know about you, but I do NOT feel satisfied. This season -- in many ways, my LIFE -- peaked with the frogpersons in the White House. Since then it has been, meh. I leave you now with The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

It's a two-hour show tonight, starting at 8 p.m. Eastern Season Finale Time. Be at this url, or be a person who is just about to hurl.

OK, BUT WE THOUGHT THE EPISODE IN WHICH FROGMEN TOOK OVER THE WHITE HOUSE WAS TOTALLY BELIEVABLE

Kiefer Sutherland says the next season of 24 will be more realistic.

Key Quote: "It's going to be centered in one of the most realistic circumstances, because some of our stuff -- let's be fair -- has been kind of far-fetched."

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

24

Here is where we stand:

Tony -- who is now so evil that at any moment his eyeballs are going to start glowing red -- and his evil girlfriend and fellow cabal-ster Cara are about to release the Deadly Fatal Swine Pathogen of the Apocalypse of Doom on the subway. Their plan is to frame an innocent Muslim person named Jibraan, whose brother, Hamid, was being held prisoner by one of Tony's thugs until Jack (who is still dying) and Renee came bursting in, at which point Hamid suddenly went Full Ninja, leaping up, punching a mirror, grabbing a glass shard and stabbing the thug in the neck. It was refreshing to see somebody stabbing a bad guy, since in recent episodes Jack has pretty much confined himself to stabbing his own personal arm with a needle.

In other action last week, Jon Voight was converted to subatomic particles in an SUV explosion, so he is probably out of the plot for good, although you never know. First Daughter Olivia, who is currently the president's acting chief of staff as well as Secretary of State, Surgeon General and CEO of Chrysler, had hired an assassin named Martin to kill Voight, but then she changed her mind, so she called Martin to find out what happened, and he said he wants to meet her in a park, where presumably he will kill her or (remember, this is Olivia) they will have sex.

From the previews, we know that this week Kim and her stem cells will (Surprise!) return. We also know that, for the third time this season, Jack will be pointing a gun at Tony. And of course we know that Edgar is still dead.

Speaking of tragedies: I am unable to join you this evening, because I'm in California attempting to break into show business. But I'm sure you'll all do a fine job of analyzing the plot down in the comments section. Be sure to hang around for the post-show wrapup by The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here is your scientific poll:

Do you think this time Jack will actually kill Tony?
	Yes.
	No.
	Jack had better kill SOMEBODY.
	He'll be just about to shoot, but instead they'll embrace in a passionate, long-overdue kiss.
	And then Olivia will join them.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Hostile Time. Be on this site, or be infected with potato blight.

 

24

Here is where we stand as far as I know from reading the official plot summary because I missed last week:

Jack is now in something like his 17th consecutive week of dying from the Fatal Swine Pathogen of Death. He and Chloe -- who is FINALLY back in the plot, no doubt thanks to the overwhelming scientific poll results reported in this blog -- are trying to stop a secret cabal that communicates by Twitter and is trying to take over the country by secretly staging terrorist attacks, the theory being that after a while the American public will say, "Enough already with these terrorist attacks! Let's turn the country over to a secret cabal!" Tony is working for the cabal, along with his girlfriend, Cara, who suddenly materialized in the plot. They're going to release the Canister of Doom and frame an innocent  Arab immigrant, Jibraan Al-Zarian.

Jack is starting to lose his mental faculties, either from the effects of the pathogen, or from trying to understand the plot.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned afterward in the comments section for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here is this week's Scientific Poll:

As we near the end of this season, what would you say has been the highlight?
	Jack killing that guy with a screwdriver.
	Frogpersons taking over the White House.
	The paramedics, acting on Jack's medical advice, slicing open that guy and removing his memory chip.
	FBI agent Renee emerging from the Potomac soaking wet.
	The Victoria's Secret Dream Angel Push-up Brassiere commercial.
	Chloe tasering that guy in the bar. (I know this was several seasons ago, but I don't care.)
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: It is never too early to have that first crucial beer.

UPDATE: It's a good thing that all the computers have gigantic fonts so that we, the viewing public, can keep up with everything.

UPDATE: The old Jack would have broken 78 percent of Janeane Garofolo's bones.

UPDATE: Jack wants to spend his last hours in peaceful reflection, killing Tony.

UPDATE: I keep thinking that something is going to happen. And then: It doesn't.

UPDATE: Bagelfuls? BAGELFULS??

UPDATE: In Jack's world, nobody is innocent.

UPDATE: Is an "envelope" the same as a "perimeter?"

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

UPDATE: To compensate for this, they are going to need to blow up, at minimum, the Lincoln Memorial.

UPDATE: That was not enough.

UPDATE: I know I'm supposed to care who killed Jon Voight. I just can't remember why I'm supposed to care who killed Jon Voight.

UPDATE: OK, they're going to throw us a small bone of action at the end, here. And yes, "Bone of Action" would be a good name for a rock band.

UPDATE: Little brother is very quick with a glass shard.

UPDATE: So THAT'S why Vice President Biden wants us to stay off the subway!

UPDATE: Next week: Kim "Stem Cells" Bauer is back.

UPDATE: OK, this week, not to put too fine a point on it, sucked monkey gonads. It will surely seem better when processed by the mind of The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Secret Cabal Time. Be here, or be a horse's rear.

24

Here is where we stand:

When last we saw Jack, he was twitching helplessly on the ground, not unlike the way many of us ended our evenings when we were college students, except in Jack's case it's because he's in his third week of dying from the Incurable Fatal Killer Pathogen of Perishing to Death, which only his daughter Kim can save him from, except she's on her way to the airport, but somehow we think she will return for the risky stem-cell curing procedure.

When Jack started twitching he was holding a gun on Tony, who definitely seems to be evil, which probably means he is NOT evil, although he did kill Larry just when we were starting to like Larry. In an effort to appear non-evil, Tony shot himself, which would sideline most actual humans for at least an hour, but since Tony lives on Planet 24 he was back in action within minutes.

Tony helped Galvez escape with the Canister of Doom after setting off a massive explosion that killed a bunch of people, all of whom fortunately were extras. Tony said that the canister is worth a lot of money to the people he's working for, who apparently are the mystery puppetmasters who ordered Jon Voight to take a suicide pill last week, which he did, although apparently it was a generic brand because according to the previews he will still be alive this week for a dramatic confrontation with Jack.

Chloe seems to have completely disappeared from the plot. Edgar is still dead.

Tragically, I will not be joining you this week, as I am traveling. I'm sure you'll all do a fine job down in the comments section of analyzing the plot, and of course after the show The Amazing Steve will tie up any loose ends. Meanwhile, feel free to take this scientific poll:

Is it about time that Jack stopped being sick and vulnerable and start KICKING SOME BUTT?
	Duh.
	Also: WHERE THE HELL IS CHLOE???
	I think Jack is more appealing when he's vulnerable. I also think he should wear a skirt.
	I refuse to participate in a poll with a flower motif.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Visual Time. Be here, or be a cauliflower ear.

24

Here is where we stand:

Tony is a mole. Last week he suffocated FBI Agent Larry in a dramatic 17-minute suffocation scene involving two commercial breaks for the new Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere.

Tony's accomplice, Galvez, made off with a cannister of the Deadly Death Fatal Pathogen of Doom, which is capable of killing thousands of people, including, tragically, many potential customers for the new Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere. If we have learned anything from watching 24 over the years, aside from the fact that 62 percent of all federal employees are moles, it is that the government needs to ban cannisters, because they never seem to contain anything that would benefit humanity -- Yoo-Hoo, for example -- and sooner or later the terrorists ALWAYS get hold of them.

Jack Bauer, who is still dying from the pathogen, had an extremely boring moving reconciliation scene with his estranged daughter Kim, who strikes this blog as the kind of gal who would know her way around the new Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere. Kim wants to give Jack some of her stem cells. But Jack won't let her, because the experimental cure is risky and could, we don't know, wreck her stem.

Jon Voight was arrested and claims he is a cog in a much bigger machine. What this machine is, and whether it has any connection with the new Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere is anybody's guess.

Edgar is still dead.

After tonight's episode -- which may or may not feature commercials for the new Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere -- be sure to stick around in the comments for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here is this week's scientific poll:

What do you think is the "much bigger machine" Jon Voight referred to?
	Organized crime.
	China.
	Evil billionaires connected to the vice president, who has mysteriously disappeared from the plot.
	The military.
	The producers of "Heroes."
	An actual machine.
	Microsoft.
	The New York Yankees.
	Oprah.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE:Hey, what happened to House?

UPDATE: The lookalike-blond-babe-lawyers switcheroo.

UPDATE: When will they stop with the perimeters?

UPDATE: Did Tony just shoot himself in the thigh?

UPDATE: How come, when a character on TV is told that somebody is dead, that character always responds, quote: "What?"

UPDATE: If I had about a day to live because of a deadly pathogen, I would go to Vegas. Whereas Jack chooses to debrief.

UPDATE: Evidently Tony missed his thigh.

UPDATE: So they check the lawyer's thumbprint, but they don't search her briefcase?

UPDATE: The Lozenge of Death!

UPDATE: We are climbing the puppetmaster chain.

UPDATE: It's amazing how quickly people on this show recover from gunshot wounds.

UPDATE: You know what would have been great? If they had pulled back the sheet that was supposed to be over Larry's body, and underneath was: Edgar.

UPDATE: Awww the li'l Kimlet.

UPDATE: Is a "secure net" different from a perimeter?

UPDATE: Still no commercial for the Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere, at least none that we have had a visual on.

UPDATE: Jack wants a map overlay.

UPDATE: Boom.

UPDATE: Renee might need a second Band-Aid.

UPDATE: I kind of like Jack when he twitches. It makes him human somehow.

UPDATE: Tony says global warming is bad, which must mean... global warming is good.

UPDATE: Next week: Explosions, Jack vs. Jon Voight (doesn't anybody ever really die in this show?). Take it, The Amazing Steve.

GIRD YOUR THIGHS, MANHATTAN

Jack is coming.

(Thanks to Virgil Hidges Jr.)

LAST NIGHT'S 24

There was some kind of problem last night with the blog software -- we think it was a bad algorithm in the carburetor -- so not everybody got to see the wrapup by The Amazing Steve. You can find it by going here and scrolling down. We apologize for the inconvenience, and will of course have judi fired.

24

Here is where we stand:

I'm not sure. I missed last week because I was in Colorado doing tax-deductible research on the condition of the ski industry. But as I understand it, the key plot developments are as follows:

Jack still has a bad case of Fatal Death Biodisease Of Doom, which is incurable, except now the doctors are saying that (Surprise!) it might NOT be incurable, but to cure it they need stem cells from Jack's annoying yet watchable estranged subplot daughter, Kim. Jack doesn't want to contact Kim, but we're guessing that Renee the extremely capable FBI agent is going to track Kim down and get some stem cells from her, ideally in a scene that involves mud wrestling.

Meanwhile Olivia, in her capacity as acting White House chief of staff, had sex with a TV reporter (Leon Panetta did this dozens of times). Olivia recorded the act on her cellphone so she could blackmail the reporter into not releasing the bioweapon story. He appears to have agreed, but Olivia will probably put the video on YouTube anyway, because that is how she rolls.

Meanwhile, President Woman President ordered an air strike on the Starkwood compound, but Jon Voight called her up on the White House Evil Puppetmaster Hotline and told her that if she didn't abort the raid he would shoot bioweapon missiles at three Eastern Seaboard cities, so she said, "Fine, as long as one of them is Newark."

No, seriously, she aborted the raid, and tonight she's going to meet with Jon Voight personally in the White House. Maybe Olivia will blackmail him, if you catch my drift.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned after the show in the comments, where The Amazing Steve will somehow make sense of everything. Meanwhile, you can take this scientific poll:

What, in your view, is the main problem with this season of "24?"
	The decision to broadcast it.
	Jack is not doing enough shooting.
	Specifically, shooting the writers.
	There is not enough Chloe.
	And her new hair color is terrible.
	Remember when Chloe tasered the creep in the bar? Now THAT was television.
	They should have kept Juma and the frogpersons in charge of the White House.
	"Juma and the Frogpersons" would be a good name for a rock band.
	I miss Marwan.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: House plays the harmonica!

UPDATE: Is "exfiltration" a word?

UPDATE: Hah! Renee didn't know that RP7 is a propellant used in surface-to-surface missiles. Pathetic.

UPDATE: Jack is going in.

UPDATE: Looks like they patched up all the bullet holes in the White House from the massive firefight there roughly four hours ago.

UPDATE: Wait.... so they leave the president alone in the Oval Office with a homicidal terrorist lunatic? OK, then!

UPDATE: Greg had brochures.

UPDATE: The dramatic percussion soundtrack is making Tony testy.

UPDATE: Jon Voight does his fishlike best to act stunned.

UPDATE: There's a puppetmaster puppetmastering Jon Voight. I knew it.

UPDATE: Jack is weak from the pathogen. Also from not eating since roughly Halloween.

UPDATE: They're sweeping the compound on a grid-by-grid basis.

UPDATE: Tony is OK! Good old Tony.

UPDATE: Jack is having a personality change. This could be very bad.

UPDATE: OK, there was the one explosion, but other than that so far this episode is feeling a lot like Days of Our Lives.

UPDATE: The Dream Angels Pushup from Victoria's Secret is definitely the highlight so far.

UPDATE: "I'm OK." Dying, but OK.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: Can't anybody hold a gun on anybody in this show?

UPDATE: SWAT Team Alpha! They're very good.

UPDATE: TONY!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE: Next week: Explosions! "Renee! Renee!"

UPDATE: So to summarize the highlights: Tony is evil, and Victoria's Secret has a new Dream Angels Pushup. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

POSTSCRIPT: In last week's poll, only 2 percent of the respondents voted for Tony as the mole, vs. 11 percent for Colonel Mustard and 15 percent for "An actual mole."

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Stand Down Time. Be on this blog, or be an unusually unattractive dog.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack found out that he has a case of Deadly Fatal Bioweapon Disease of Death, which is incurable, so he will be fine. To Jack Bauer, a fatal incurable disease is the equivalent of shingles.

Meanwhile Larry the FBI agent wrangled some helicopters and led a federal raid on evil puppetmaster Jon Voight's Starkwood compound to get the bioweapon canisters, but he and his men were met by armed Starkwood guys. Larry told them to stand down, but they were like, "We're not gonna stand down," so Larry was like, "You BETTER stand down," and they were all, "No, YOU stand down," and Larry was like, "WE'RE not standing down, because YOU'RE gonna stand down," and they were like, "If there's going to be any standing down around here, it is NOT going to be us." The episode ended without anybody standing down OR shooting. It sucked.

Speaking of which: Olivia the sneaky unlikable first daughter is now running the country. Edgar is still dead.

I'm in Colorado skiing, so tonight you will have to do without my penetrating analysis. Stay tuned in the comments after the show for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile feel free to take this scientific poll:

Who do you think will turn out to be the mole?
	Olivia
	Janeane Garofalo
	Tony
	Colonel Mustard
	The vice president
	Aaron the faithful Labrador retrieverlike Secret Service agent
	Ethan
	Some new character invented at the last minute because the writers need a mole
	An actual mole
	Henry
	Montpelier
pollcode.com free polls

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Stand Down Time. Be on this blog, or be a drain clog.

ANOTHER PROMISING CAREER DOWN THE TOILET

(Thanks to Brook)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack managed to steal the Deadly Fatal Bioweapon of Death from henchpersons working for evil puppetmaster Jon Voight. Unfortunately, the henchpersons got it back by shooting 153,000 rounds of ammunition at Jack from a helicopter. Fortunately, all of these rounds missed because Jack was crouching next to a pile of rocks. Unfortunately, Jack was exposed to the bioweapon, which means he might die, in which case the season would be over and we would have to spend future Monday nights reading the works of Marcel Proust instead of letting this show slowly turn our brains to risotto.  

Fortunately there's a good chance that Jack will survive, because he is contractually obligated to do an eighth season. Unfortunately we cannot be so certain about Tony, who was captured by the henchpersons and could be killed for the second time in his 24 career. Meanwhile President Woman President's hideously unlikeable daughter Olivia -- who is getting WAY too much screen time that should be devoted to Renee the highly competent FBI agent -- got poor old Ethan fired and is now basically running the country. In other bad news, Henry the First Dip has emerged from his coma and is delivering lines of dialog.

Edgar is still dead.

Be advised that analysis from me may be on the light side tonight, because Mrs. Blog is covering a tennis tournament, which means I am responsible for childcare, which means humanity is doomed I may be tuning in a little late.

Stay tuned after tonight's episode for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile here is a scientific poll:

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A BULLET EVER ACTUALLY HIT JACK?
	Jack would say "Dammit!", then resume torturing whomever he happened to be torturing at that time.
	The bullet would fall to the ground, screaming.
	The bullet would enter Jack, but the hole would heal instantly; later he would poop the bullet out.
	But only after the season ends, because he never goes to the bathroom.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: If they try to check Jack's prostate, they are DEAD MEN.

UPDATE: As a thoughtful commenter pointed out last week: If they could move the bioweapon via helicopter, why did they put it on a truck in the first place?

UPDATE: President Woman President is thinking, Not ANOTHER imminent homeland threat! This is like... a bad melodrama or something!

UPDATE: Renee is going to debrief Jack.

UPDATE: In the end, they'll vote to give Starkwood a bailout.

UPDATE: Hey! That guy! Who is that guy?

UPDATE: Time for that crucial third or possibly fourth beer.

UPDATE: Even as we speak, Jack's antibodies are shooting tiny bullets into the East Congo virus's tiny thighs.

UPDATE: Get me the White House Dithering Room!

UPDATE: A Seal Squad! Yes!

UPDATE: The northeast quadrant! I KNEW it.

UPDATE: Like they could EVER keep Jack from going on this raid.

UPDATE: It's important to wear safety glasses when you work on bioweapons.

UPDATE: That sly fox Jon Voight! The old Wrong Quadrant Gambit!

UPDATE: So to summarize: Nothing happened.

UPDATE: Seriously. Nothing happened.

UPDATE: Good luck with this pile o' nothingness, Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Bioweapon Time. Be on this blog, or be a Trogg.

Also be advised (thanks to The Amazing Steve and kc brady) that this season's plot apparently contains -- prepare to be shocked -- some geographical inaccuracies. We hope the Secret Service reads this article before it proceeds with the plan to build the $57 million White House Frogperson Defense System.

THE WORLD IS SAFE FOR ANOTHER YEAR, EXCEPT FOR THE UNAVOIDABLE 20,000 OR SO CASUALTIES

Jack's coming back.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff and Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy)

24

Here is where we stand:

At the beginning of last week's episode, Jack Bauer was a rogue agent on the run with the entire federal government trying to stop him as he fought a desperate lonely battle to save the nation from the the evil puppetmaster Jon Voight and his Thing of Death. At the end of the episode, Jack was a rogue agent on the run with the entire federal government trying to stop him as he fought a desperate lonely battle to save the nation from the the evil puppetmaster Jon Voight and his Thing of Death. In between Jack killed the assassin Quinn with a screwdriver -- it did not appear to be a Phillips -- after Quinn killed Sen. That Seventies Show, who had made the mistake of starting to trust Jack, which is almost always violently fatal.

As Quinn was dying, his cell phone received a Twitter stating that that the Thing of Death was going to arrive at the Port of Alexandria, so Jack called Tony and told him to meet him there with a Surveillance Package, which presumably Tony will pick up at the package store.

Meanwhile President Woman President's annoying daughter Olivia has been acting suspicious, which probably means she is innocent. But she is still annoying, so we hope that at some point she starts to trust Jack, if you catch our drift.

Tonight there will be helicopters.

Edgar is still dead.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the wrapup from The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here's a poll:

Do you think Jon Voight is the ultimate evil puppetmaster?
	Yes.
	No, there is an even eviler puppetmaster controlling him.
	And conrolling THAT puppetmaster is: Barney Frank.
	They need to show less of Olivia and more of Renee, preferably emerging from the Potomac again.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE:NOT HENRY! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE: "Maybe this day will end on a positive note." Sure! Aside from all the terrorist-caused deaths and the firefight IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

UPDATE: They better get to the helicopters soon.

UPDATE: Do you get the feeling that Carl the Security Guard is roadkill?

UPDATE: Jack has a way with people.

UPDATE: Even evil puppetmaster Jon Voight looks like a dweeb with a Bluetooth headset.

UPDATE: Why did Jack and Tony duct-tape Carl's mouth shut?

UPDATE: UH-oh. Carl is trusting Jack.

UPDATE: "You guys got my back, right?" "Yeah." HAR.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: Olivia is SUCH a vixen.

UPDATE: We were promised helicopters. WHERE ARE THE HELICOPTERS??

UPDATE: Larry wants to meet Renee halfway.

UPDATE: Larry wants Renee to sit tight.

UPDATE: Jack is going to save Carl.

UPDATE: Jack and Tony against nine guys. Har.

UPDATE: Jack does not say "Shoot." Jack says "Engage."

UPDATE: The old jump-on-the truck trick!

UPDATE: DON'T GO INTO THE TRUCK, JACK!

UPDATE: That makes, by my count,three million bullets fired at Jack without hitting him just today.

UPDATE: Jack was exposed!

UPDATE: Next week: Jack gets naked! Stay tuned for The Amazing Steve.

TO WIN THE GAME, YOU SHOOT IT

A 24 pinball machine.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week the evil African subplot Juma and his fighting frogpersons were killed in a firefight in the White House. Bill was also killed, causing Jack to experience angst, but he got over it in time to interrogate Ryan Burnett, the mole and aide to Sen. That Seventies Show. But while Jack was in the hospital room, an assassin named Quinn, taking advantage of the hospital's spacious and modern Overhead Assassin Walkway System, paralyzed Jack with nerve gas, and killed Burnett in such a way as to frame Jack. Quinn was sent by evil puppetmaster Jon Voight, who has acquired some kind of evil thing that has not been identified yet, which he of course plans to use to kill many thousands of innocent people.

So now Jack -- a rogue agent, pursued by his own government -- must singlehandedly save America from an evil mastermind puppetmaster in possession of a Thing of Death. We surely have never seen a plot like THAT before!

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned at the end of tonight's episode in the comments section for the return of The Amazing Steve, who will explain what happened. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll (for security reasons, the "h"s have been left out of Jon Voight's last name):

What the heck has Tony been up to while Jack has been going through all this angst?
	He's auditioning for another show where he will have more and better lines.
	He's secretly working with evil puppetmaster Jon Voight.
	He's PRETENDING to work with Jon Voight, but really he's a mole.
	Or, he's just hoping to meet Angelina Jolie.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free pol

UPDATE: OK, this is the previous show, but: Did Kumar urinate on House's chair?

UPDATE: Good thing Jack picked a car with the EZ HotWire option.

UPDATE: "Bauer is an extremely impressive operative." "You don't have to tell me that."

UPDATE: "Tell them to pack their pajamas and their toothbrushes." They had better be paying Jon Voight a LOT of money for this.

UPDATE: OK, did anybody just see the "Town Gown" commercial where the mannekins broke off their fingers? Or am I on LSD again?

UPDATE: Does everybody find Olivia as irritating as I do? Good.

UPDATE: They're going to Mirandize Renee! Those lucky bastards.

UPDATE: I love the way Sen. That Seventies Show, when he sees Bauer, says, quote: "Bauer."

UPDATE: So far, a half hour of our lives totally wasted.

UPDATE: IS that supposed to be the press corps? Applauding?

UPDATE: Olivia leaked about Ethan, right?

UPDATE: Remember when they used the power drill on Morris's shoulder? Now that was an episode.

UPDATE: Or maybe they just want us to think Olivia leaked about Ethan.

UPDATE: Blowfish 148! That's a very good encryption.

UPDATE: Could these computer screens look any faker? I didn't think so.

UPDATE: Let's see: 53 FBI agents vs. Jack Bauer. Hahahahaha.

UPDATE: Jack deeply regrets having had to shoot roughly 879 innocent people in the thigh, but he had NO CHOICE, DAMMIT.

UPDATE: Looks like the Thing of Death is... a bioweapon.

UPDATE: "Trust isn't my greatest asset." Right! A human would definitely say that!

UPDATE: Now Jack is in REAL trouble.

UPDATE: Yes! Front-End-Loader-Fu!

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but if a guy just killed me, I am NOT telling him what he wants to know.

UPDATE: Next week: "COVER ME NOW!!" Take it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Mole Time. Be on this blog, or be some kind of butt-ugly frog.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week was without question one of the finest 24 episodes in the history of the world, and the reason can be stated in just eight words: The White House was taken over by frogmen.

This was possible because of the following little-known facts:

1. The White House is much closer to the Potomac River than it appears to the naked eye. If the president had a decent casting rod, he or she could fish in the Potomac out the Oval Office window.

2. The White House is connected to the Potomac by an abandoned but well-maintained underwater express tunnel that nobody ever noticed before.

3. During a full-scale terrorist alert, it is possible for a boat full of enemy solders to motor up the Potomac to the White House without being noticed, as long as they are wearing camouflage.

4. Trained frogmen wearing soldier outfits under their wetsuits can swim underwater at a speed of approximately 50 miles per hour while carrying a large concrete-penetrating drill, explosives, combat boots, a laptop computer and automatic weapons with enough ammunition to fight a war.

Also as luck would have it, when the frogmen swam underneath and drilled into the basement, there was hardly anybody guarding the White House, because everybody was busy trying to figure out what would be the target of the impending terrorist attack on Washington. Everybody was like, "Where the HECK are those darned terrorists going to attack? It's got to be something important, something connected with the federal government, something right here in Washington... but what could it be?  Maybe we should send troops to guard the Air and Space Museum!"

And thus last week the evil General Juma and his men, in a totally believable maneuver, were able to take over the White House with little more effort than it would take to rob a 7-11. Jack Bauer was in the White House, and while ordinarily he could kill several dozen armed soldiers using only a short section of shoelace, in this case we was stuck with the job of saving President Woman President. The two of them went into a special Lockdown Room, where they had no contact with the outside world because Juma's underwater laptop computer has a program that blocks all White House communications (to access this program in Windows Vista, click START>ALL PROGRAMS>ACCESSORIES>TERRORISM>BLOCK ALL WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS).

Juma couldn't break into the Lockdown Room, so he called up Evil Puppetmaster John Voigt, who (needless to say) had access to the White House computer system. He told Juma that President Woman President's annoying subplot daughter Olivia was in the White House, so Juma found her and threatened to gouge her eyeballs out, so President Woman President ordered Jack to open the Lockdown Room door, so Jack gouged her eyeballs out.

No, he didn't. (Although he would if he had to.) He opened the door, and Juma slapped President Woman President in the face so hard that fake blood came out of her mouth. So now everybody is a hostage, including Bill and Senator That Seventies Show, who we all hope Jack has the legitimate need to administer a fatal chokehold to soon. Meanwhile Renee the highly competent FBI agent is outside the White House feeling helpless, because when she asked Vice President Weasel to order an attack he refused, most likely because like 83 percent of all federal employees on 24 he is a mole.

Edgar is still dead.

So that is the situation. We regret to inform you that The Amazing Steve™ has informed us that he has a prior commitment and will not be able to tell us afterward what the hell happened. You will just have to work it out on your own. Meanwhile, to pass the time, here's a poll:

What do you think will happen to the hostages?
	Jack will free them. In the process, they'll probably all be killed, but, hey, Jack had NO CHOICE.
	They will slip away one by one as their captors, lulled by the dialog, fall asleep.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

SPOILER UPDATE: In tonight's episode, there will be an explosion at the White House, and somebody will say, "There's been an explosion at the White House!"

UPDATE: Don't forget to vote for Space Node Buddy.

UPDATE: I note in the recap of last week's episode that Juma threatens to cut out Olivia;s eyes "one by one." Not to be picky, but: how else would he do it?

UPDATE: Oh, now Olivia is sorry.

UPDATE: "Just keep your eyes open." Did she really say that?

UPDATE: Wait... where is the natural gas coming from? I am SO confused, and it just started.

UPDATE: I hate to dwell on this, but seriously: If they swam to the White House, where did they get the combat boots?

UPDATE: Never in the history of 24 has any high-ranking federal official done the obviously logical thing.

UPDATE: Jack is feeling angst.

UPDATE: "How many people did we lose?" "Mostly extras, madam president."

UPDATE: I have a bad feeling about how early the shooting ended tonight.

UPDATE: Bill might not really be dead. I mean, sure, his heart stopped beating 15 minutes ago. But this is 24.

UPDATE: They're going to handcuff Jack AGAIN???

UPDATE: What a shock! They're letting Jack go AGAIN.

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. We need to get to the taser.

UPDATE: Right! Less than a half hour ago, there was a firefight in the White House, and naturally now the president is talking about adding her daughter to the staff.

UPDATE: Renee looks good in a Band-Aid.

UPDATE: Is it hot in here, or is it that agent Larry keeps talking about Renee going behind his back?

UPDATE: President Woman President just declared that 24 is, quote, "a work of fiction."

UPDATE: The old "kill-the-extra" diversion.

UPDATE: Quinn is using the OQO UMPC. Preferred by assassins everywhere.

UPDATE: "Martha and I were... close." Heheheheh.

UPDATE: There has been a LOT of talking since the shooting.

UPDATE: Jack is going to rip out the little twerp's eyeballs using only his mind.

UPDATE: Quinn is taking advantage of the convenient man-sized well-lit ductwork to frame Jack using... paralysis gas.

UPDATE: WUH-oh. Looks like Jack is going to be wrongly accused by his own government AGAIN.

UPDATE: DAMMIT!!

UPDATE: Next week: Renee showing cleavage; Jack ordering Senator That Seventies Show to TAKE A SEAT.  No Amazing Steve tonight. Find somebody you love and hug that person hard enough to draw blood. Or, have a beer. Good night.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Hostage Time.

THAT'S A LOAD OFF THIS BLOG'S MIND

It turns out that, according to 24 executive producer Howard Gordon, frogpersons can't actually swim under the White House and break in:

"We all know there's a fairly hardened environment and a very hard target to hit and so yes, obviously you have to suspend [disbelief]," Gordon said. "For one thing obviously these guys are in scuba gear, like breaking through the subterranean rock."

The water was based on the idea that Washington "essentially is wetland; it's swampland so I have this fantasy that maybe there were some ... sealed off tunnels from various construction phases so I just sort of said what if."

"I've done really no research on this that," he said, adding, "I'm sure these tunnels don't exist."

24

Last week the evil Dubaku was killed in a carbon-neutral car crash, but not before paramedics, acting on medical advice from Jack, sliced him open and removed his internal memory chip, which revealed the names of all 287,500 moles working in the federal government. For a minute there it looked as though the whole season was about to end, but at the last minute Tony appeared with a new subplot involving the evil Juma, who is very upset at the U.S. because he's about to lose control of his imaginary African nation, Sangala, which, as alert commenter Mike pointed out last week, is an anagram for "lasagna."

Juma is about to launch a strike on Washington, D.C.. The units are in place, and the operation is on schedule. We know this because at the end of last week's episode, one of the top moles, Ryan Burnett, who is chief of staff to Senator That Seventies Show, received a text message that said, quote: "Units in place. Operation on schedule." That is exactly the kind of terse, no-nonsense, emoticon-free text that professional terrorist moles are always sending each other.

According to the trailer our sources, the target tonight is the White House, which of course the terrorists will penetrate easily because, hey, it's only the White House. There will be shooting and a threat to kill President Woman President. We don't know if Jack will rekindle the flame with Renee the highly competent FBI agent, but we certainly hope so. We do know that Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments after the show for the recap by The Amazing Steve™. Meanwhile, here's a survey:

Do you think the terrorists will whack President Woman President?
	Fine by me.
	Maybe they could just put her into a coma, so she doesn't have to keep delivering her lines.
	No. Jack will kill the terrorists JUST BY SHOUTING AT THEM.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

In case the buttons aren't labeled right: the first one is for voting; the second one is for viewing the results; and the third one indicates that you need to stop drinking, because there is no third one.

UPDATE: Chloe and Janeane: A couple of cybergals, talkin' datatbases.

UPDATE: Wait... IS BILL A MOLE?????????????????

UPDATE: Perhaps I am an idiot, but: I have NO idea why Jack is choking Bill.

UPDATE: OK, I'm going to the comments to see if anybody understands what the hell is going on.

UPDATE: Apparently nobody else does either.

UPDATE: When did Jack change into a suit?

UPDATE: TASE HIM, BRO!

UPDATE: I know this is wrong, and I feel terrible saying it, but: the best parts of this show almost always seem to involve Jack violating pretty much the entire Constitution.

UPDATE: Those Geico ads? With the little pile of money with eyes? Enough, already.

UPDATE: Only a fool messes with Chloe.

UPDATE: Somebody needs to shoot the White House Wooden Dialog Generator.

UPDATE: "I can pull the trigger 128 more times before this battery dies." Must be lithium ion.

UPDATE: They never listen to Jack.

UPDATE: Wait... is he suggesting Jack tasered the Blessed Virgin Mary?

UPDATE: By my calculations, this is the 3,879th time Jack has been taken into custody.

UPDATE: When a man loves a woman, he scrambles a chopper for her.

UPDATE: Wherever agent Renee goes, there's a guy a few feet ahead with a hair blower.

UPDATE:  Aqua-Woman!

UPDATE: I still don't get why Jack choked Bill. Maybe he just hadn't choked anybody for a while, and Bill happened to be the closest person.

UPDATE: OK, it is not possible for a boatload of guys to attack the White House. Right? RIGHT??

UPDATE: Frogpersons!

UPDATE: So they're drilling into the White House from the Potomac River? OK! Sure!

UPDATE: "Let's move." Smart! As opposed to: "Let's just stand here dripping wet from being frogpersons."

UPDATE: OK, looking ahead: The nation is on high alert, because they know there's about to be a terrorist attack in Washington. So probably there are not very many people guarding THE ACTUAL WHITE HOUSE.

UPDATE: At least the Park Ranger got to deliver several lines of dialogue before he was perforated by terrorism.

UPDATE: Bill is not trained in coercive techniques.

UPDATE: A secret entrance into the White House! Sure!

UPDATE: On TV, computers can do anything.

UPDATE: OK, so there are, like, eight people, total, guarding the president?

UPDATE: Agent Renee is shovel-ready.

UPDATE: This may be the most preposterous episode ever. And that is saying something.

UPDATE: There's this little enemy army running around the White House! Sorry, but I just can't get past that.

UPDATE: "They know we're here." Har!

UPDATE: Those bullets are doing serous damage to the wallpaper.

UPDATE: "How is it possible that they were able to get around our security protocols?" Simple, madam president: The writers are smoking crack.

UPDATE: John Voight is expecting a Shipment.

UPDATE: "Stress is the fertilizer of creativity." Along with the crack.

UPDATE: On 24, nobody in authority ever wants to do anything.

UPDATE: Morse code? MORSE CODE??

UPDATE: I mean, doesn't anybody have a cell phone?

UPDATE: Jack is going to shoot climate change in the thigh.

UPDATE: There is no drama like eyeball-cutting drama.

UPDATE: From now on, they're going to be much stricter about guarding the White House.

UPDATE: Next week: explosion!

UPDATE: Take it, the Amazing Steve.

24 ADVISORY

Tonight. Two hours, starting at 8 p.m. Eastern Shooting Time. Be here, or be a steer.

24: THE PIE CHART

(Thanks to funniegrrl)