Dave Barry's Blog

FINALLY, A REASON TO GO ON LIVING

(Thanks to Joe W.)

IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT JACK BAUER IS UP TO LATELY

He's is in Baltimore.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and DavCat)

A DAY OF NATIONAL MOURNING

"24 works best 24 hours in a row. I don't think we'll see it until 2009."

(Thanks to funniegrrl)

AND THE SO-CALLED "FEDERAL GOVERNMENT" DOES NOTHING

For '24' fans, the strike's hours drag on

(Thanks to Dock Rick, who notes that, incredibly, this blog is not mentioned)

HOW DID HE GET PAST THE TASER?

Chloe is pregnant.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

GUARD YOUR THIGHS, PEOPLE

(Thanks to Siouxie)

UPDATE: Everybody is getting out.

OF COURSE, 93 PERCENT OF IT IS FROM AUDREY

Jack Bauer's getting a lot of prison mail.

(Thanks to Michelle in Houston)

HE'LL BE OUT BEFORE THE FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

(Thanks to kibby F5 and The Amazing Steve)

24

The Early Years

(Thanks to fivver and Cathy Seidenberg and Jonathan Gilette)

UPDATE: You will also enjoy this Japanese commercial.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

CALLING THE AMAZING STEVE

According to the Los Angeles Times, when the writers' strike began only "eight or nine" of next season's "24" episodes were complete. Of course, that was also pretty much the situation last season, but they went ahead and broadcast 24 episodes anyway.

24

In last week's episode, Jack and company ended up on Sesame Street, and it was (and we mean this in a good way) weird, even for The Amazing Steve. Tonight, if we understand T.A.S. correctly, will be the final episode of  24 -- Two Days Later.  So let's all give a big hand to Steve for all the amazing work he has done this season. We'll see you all here again when the regular season begins and the professional writers take over.

Edgar is still dead.

24

In last week's episode, Jack Bauer ended up on The Jetsons. Edgar is still dead. Ridley and I are somewhere on book tour. Give it up now for The Amazing Steve.
 

OHMIGOD

Jack is on trial! CTU is gone! Jack is on his own! Except he has a hot partner! And TONY IS NOT DEAD! Which means.... there may be hope for Edgar!

YouTube link here (Thanks to Dock Rick)
 

WHY DON'T THEY JUST SET UP A PERIMETER?

Smoke cancels 24 filming.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-*cough/hack/wheeze*-here, who says, quote, "Wusses.")

24

In last week's episode, Jack ended up in an episode of The Flintstones, where for a while he became Jack Boulder of the Cro-Magnon Tactical Unit, in which capacity he produced an early prototype of the taser, consisting of a piece of carpet and a pair of socks. Edgar is still dead. We give you now The™ Amazing™ Steve™, who has done a fine job with the plotting so far, without even once jumping the shark.

(Photo from Herald Hunt slideshow by Patrick Farrell)

24

In last week's episode, Jack Bauer was sentenced to 48 days (or 1,152 episodes) in jail.

No, wait, that's what happened to Jack in real life. What happened here on the blog last week, in the mind of the Amazing Clue-Detective Steve, was that Jack ended up in an episode of Bewitched and ended up, after the traditional flash of light, in a gravel pit. Edgar is still dead. We give you now The Amazing Steve™.   

CHLOE WILL HAVE HIM OUT OF THERE IN MINUTES

You know she's already getting the schematics.

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy™ and Annette Gaudreau and Joel Thomas and Catherine and Kym Kent)

24

In last week's episode, Jack and his team wound up interacting with the cast of either I Dream of Jeannie or Alien. Edgar is still dead, and still refusing to go away. Meanwhile Andy the TropicHunt.com guy has turned up yet another photo of The Amazing Steve™ and his teammates attempting to solve a Hunt puzzle. This photo appeared in the Miami Herald following the 1993 Hunt:

If you would like to hang out with "happening dudes" like these while enjoying a high-caliber brand of recreational fun, then you will want to head to South Beach on Sunday, October 21 to participate in this year's Hunt. For now, though, let's all enjoy the prose stylings of The Amazing Steve.

24

In last week's episode, Jack Bauer and the gang found themselves on the set of Happy Days, hanging out with The Fonz. They ended up (Why not?) on top of a rocket. Edgar is still dead. Before we pick up tonight's episode, take a look at the article and photo below, which appeared in the Miami Herald the day after the 1994 Miami Herald Hunt, which was then called the Tropic Hunt.

This photo was supplied by Andy the Amazing TropicHunt.com Guy, who keeps an archive of all things Hunt-related. Note the name of the guy in the middle of the photo, who is pressing his ear against a giant inflated pool ball in hopes of hearing a clue (there was no clue inside the pool ball). That guy is Steve Pietrowicz, also known as The Amazing Steve™. So he did not go insane just recently. We don't know if Steve is planning to attend this year's Hunt, but we hope to see him, and you, too, Sunday, October 21 on Miami Beach.

But getting back to 24: We now give you The Amazing Steve™, who will tell us what he is hearing inside the giant inflated pool ball of his imagination.

UH-OH

(Thanks to hrunting)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Key Quote: Under California law if he's convicted he must serve a mandatory minimum of five days in jail.

Wait a minute... that would be five seasons.

(Thanks to many people)

24

In last week's episode, Jack, Chloe, Bill and Morris ended up in The Office. Incredibly, they did not kill Dwight. Speaking of being dead: Edgar still is. We give you now The™ Amazing™ Steve™.

IT'S CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK!

Apparently, next season on 24 they're going to try having a plot.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

24

In last week's episode, Jack ended up dressed as Batman. (Don't ask.) (And don't tell.)  Edgar is still dead. We now give you The Increasingly Amazing Steve™.

FOR THE FINAL EXAM, YOU HAVE TO KILL THE OPPOSING COUNSEL USING ONLY YOUR TEETH

24 goes to law school.

(Thanks to the Perts; here's the course description, thanks to The™ Amazing™ Steve™)

24

In last week's episode as imagined by the Amazing Imagining Steve, Jack Bauer and Chloe wound up helping Buffy the Vampire Slayer slay some vampires. Edgar is still dead.

We give you now The™ Amazing™ Steve™.
 

THE DEBATES WOULD BE VERY SHORT, AND WOULD END WITH MOST OF THE CANDIDATES LYING ON THE FLOOR, SCREAMING IN AGONY, CLUTCHING THEIR WOUNDED THIGHS

Jack Bauer for President

(Thanks to Kevin Goss)

IF JACK BAUER WERE A LIBERAL

Key Quote: Al Gore enters, gun pointed at his own head.

(Thanks to Sansam)

UPDATE ON THE AMAZING STEVE'S 24 RECAP

The Amazing Steve has posted his recap of last night's imaginary episode in the comments section here.

24 UPDATE

The Amazing Steve has sent in the following image of the Jack Bauer game card:

24

In last week's episode, a lot of stuff happened. Still dead: Edgar. We give you now The Amazing Steve.

24

In last week's episode, the cast of 24 ended up in New York City, where they ran into agents Mulder and Scully of The X-Files. They all spent the entire episode trying, without success, to get across town.

No, sorry, that's what always happens to me in New York. But the important thing is:Edgar is still dead.

We now turn you over to the Amazing Steve.

24

In last week's episode from The Amazing Steve, the cast of 24 ended up on the Lost island, so things were even stranger than usual. Edgar is still dead.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

24 UPDATE

Many people have sent in various versions of this article, which states that "the seventh season of 24 will take steps to reduce and offset the carbon emissions from the show's production, with the goal of having the season finale be entirely carbon-neutral."

If you ask this blog, the best way to do this would be to cut WAY down on the amount of harmful, environment-destroying gases emitted by actors in the form of hideously bad dialog. Ideally, the only two characters allowed to talk on 24 would be Jack Bauer (who mainly says "Dammit!") and Chloe, who talks to Jack when he needs to download schematics to his phone so he can locate terrorists and shoot them.

Speaking of shooting: this blog is heartened by this item from Page Six (thanks to Eleanor S.) which states:

...shooting of the next season of the hit Fox series "24" had to be delayed two weeks to give the writers more time to come up with suitable scripts for Jack Bauer and his counter-terrorist unit.

Whoa... suitable scripts! It's crazy... but it just might work.

It remains to be seen if the show will improve next season. We'll be closely monitoring the situation, in our 24 lounge pants. (Thanks to Annie Where-but-here).

24

In brief: Edgar is still dead. Audrey is getting naked for Vaseline. (Thanks to Karl Bade for that link.)

Coming up: The Amazing Steve.

24

In last week's episode from the mind of The Amazing Steve, Jack Bauer ended up in an episode of Green Acres, during which Arnold the pig disabled a terrorist bomb. Edgar is still dead. We now turn you over to The Amazing Steve.

24

In last week's episode as conceived of by The Amazing Episode-Conceiving Steve, Jack Bauer traveled backward in time to 1968 and found himself in an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies. He ended up clinging to an armored car that went into a mysterious tunnel and wound up on a dirt road. Edgar is still dead.

We now turn you over to The Amazing Steve.

FOX TV EXECS: DUMB, OR JUST STUPID?

We report, you decide.

(Thanks to FunnieGrrl)

SHE GOT THE WAY TO GROOVE ME

(Thanks to many alert bloglits)

24

At the end of last week's episode as broadcast to Earth from the Planet Amazing Steve, Jack Bauer had landed in a swimming pool after being thrown from the belfry of the Addams Family house by -- Why not? -- Darth Vader.

Edgar is still dead.

We now turn you over to the amazing brain of The Amazing Steve.

THEY WANT IT TO HAVE A PLOT?

When did that start to matter?

(Thanks to Michael Cohen)

24

Here, from London, is your abbreviated summary of the plot so far:

Edgar is still dead.

This has been your abbreviated summary of the plot so far. We now turn you over to The Amazing Steve.

24

In last week's episode as cooked up in the brain of The Amazing Steve,  Jack and his fellow terrorist fighters wound up hanging with the cast of Star Trek, and Jack, using space-age weaponry, vaporized a terrorist's entire thigh. There were many other dramatic moments, including this one:

11:46 pm - Kirk says, “We have to go after them!”  He opens his communicator, “Kirk to Enterprise!   Beam me aboard!” A 2 by 4 materializes at Kirk’s feet.    Kirk says, “That gets less funny every time they do that.”

In other plot highlights, Edgar is still dead.

We now turn you over to our regularly scheduled The Amazing Steve.

24

Here is where we stand:

In last week's episode, as imagined by the Amazing Steve, the cast of Cheers showed up. We don't know why, and we don't want to know why. All we really know, in this crazy uncertain world, is that Edgar is still dead.

We give you now, unless he forgot, the Amazing Steve.

24

Here is where we stand:

-- Edgar is still dead.
-- Chloe is pregnant.
-- Tony Soprano either was or was not whacked, although this blog thinks he was.
-- But that had nothing to do with Chloe's being pregnant.
-- As far as we know.
-- In last week's episode as it exists inside the mind of The Amazing Steve, the cast of 24 somehow encountered the cast of Gilligan's island.

We give you now The Amazing Steve.

24

Whoops! My bad! I was traveling today and I forgot all about 24! I am scum. I hope the Amazing Steve is still out there, somewhere.

Here is the situation: Blah blah blah Edgar is still dead.

24

Here is where we stand:
A lot of stuff happened last week (go here under "comments" for details) and then at the very end there was suddenly somebody named "Cindy."

Edgar is still dead.

Audrey is still in a coma.

REMINDER

Even though 24 has finally been put out of its misery reached its spellbinding conclusion for this season on TV, it continues on this blog, thanks to the festering psychosis vivid imagination of The Amazing Steve. Tune in here at 9 Eastern Western time to see his plot summary in the lunatic asylum comments.

24

Here is the situation:
-- Jack is on a cliff, at a crossroads, on the horns of a dilemma.
-- Audrey is in a coma.
-- Chloe is pregnant.
-- The Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom has been destroyed, and with it the last remnants of the plot.
-- Darth Boothe is still acting president.
-- Edgar is still dead.
And now we present The Amazing Steve, with the Rest of the Story.

24 ADVISORY

As some of you may recall, last year, when the 24 season ended on TV, it continued on this blog, thanks to the clinically insane awe-inspiring efforts of The Amazing Steve, who each Monday night continued to present a detailed summary of the ongoing plot of the show, which was going on only in his mind. Steve has advised this blog that he plans to continue that tradition this year, so tonight at 9 Eastern Central Mountain Pacific Daylight Perimeter Time we will present a brief summary of the situation, followed, in the comments, by The Amazing Steve. Feel free to join us.

24

Only two hours to go, people. Even less, if you subtract the commercials, which will be worth watching tonight (more on this later). During the actual show, we loyal viewers are hoping that the writers at last answer the key questions regarding the plot, namely:

1. What is the plot?

2. There are writers?

3. How much do they make?

4. What will be the the "cliffhanger" ending  that sets us up for next season?

5. Will it involve either China or Audrey?

6. If so, where can we get some cyanide?.

These are the questions that are swarming in our brain as we prepare for tonight's finale. As you recall, last week ended with former child Ricky Schroeder grabbing Jack's evil dead brother's annoying mopey son Josh and putting him on to a helicopter to take him to Jack's evil mastermind father Farmer Hoggett. Ricky is supposed to trade Josh for the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which Farmer Hoggett was originally going to trade for Josh with the evil Chinese mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng, who managed to escape from CTU last week for like the 11th time despite the fact that CTU set up a perimeter.

The reason our government is trading Josh, aside from the fact that he is annoying, is that we really want to obtain the circuit board, because if it falls into the hands of the Chinese, the Russians will -- pay close attention here -- attack the United States. No, we don't understand why, either, although the writers have written many riveting White House scenes attempting to explain it. You would think the Russians would be in more of an apologetic mood, since a Russian nuclear bomb went off in the Los Angeles area earlier in this very season, but nobody seems to remember that. Everybody is like, "The nuclear blast in Valencia? That is so 9 a.m.-10 a.m." 

Anyway, last week Ricky and Josh took off in the helicopter, so of course this week Jack has to go after them to rescue Josh. No doubt wherever they wind up will be swarming with Chinese paramilitary troops, who apparently make up 60 percent of the population of California. We know from the previews that there will be boats, helicopters, jets, shooting and explosions. So get ready, and when it's all over, stay tuned for The Amazing Steve.

Bonus Reason to Watch Tonight: Mrs. Blog, a professional sportswriterette who covers, among other sports, professional tennis, informs this blog that tonight's episode will feature the premier of a Canon camera commercial, shot at Cher's old house in Miami, featuring tennis star Maria Sharapova, who is smoking hot, although of course nowhere near as hot as Mrs. Blog. The commercial also features a small white male dog who thinks in a foreign accent. Plotwise, it could well be the highlight of the season.

UPDATE: How come there's a boys' choir singing in the helicopter?

UPDATE: We'll get you back, Josh! Nothing EVER goes wrong with our plans!

UPDATE: Ho-hum. Jack in custody again.

UPDATE: This here is some solid oak dialog.

UPDATE: Bill can't BELIEVE what has happened to the plot since he left.

UPDATE: So Karen, who works for the White House, and who fired Bill, is now asking Bill to foil a White-House-ordered operation. OK!

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett has an uplink. They're going to have to keep a REALLY WIDE perimeter.

UPDATE: Do you think that if they showed all the scenes from this season in reverse order, it would make more sense?

UPDATE: It would end with Jack really suddenly growing a beard. That would be the least-realistic part.

UPDATE: You have to hand it to Marilyn Bauer: Even when she's really upset, she retains her inability to act.

UPDATE: Actually, given the competence of CTU security, Marilyn could easily take over using just her fingernails.

UPDATE: This is shocking. Jack managed to get out of custody again.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if Jack and Bill decided the hell with it and went bowling?

UPDATE: Milo's brother! Welcome to the plot!

UPDATE: Milo's brother's job, apparently, is to pad the plot.

UPDATE: "Any sign of Phillip Bauer yet?" Good of Nadia to take a few minutes out of her busy schedule at CTU to check in on the CTU operation that's supposed to avert world war!

UPDATE: "Agent Doyle, be careful!" Thanks, Nadia!

UPDATE: Oh man. Not another White House scene.

UPDATE: This is sure to go well.

UPDATE: Hard to believe such a foolproof, well-thought-out plan could have gone wrong.

UPDATE: "It blew!" Yes, it did.

UPDATE: Just to recap: CTU, the nation's crack counterterrorism unit, which has a huge staff and vast computer capacity as well as helicopters and satellites, and which knew exactly where the bad guys were going to strike, was once again easily defeated, this time by two guys in wetsuits and a motorboat.

UPDATE: I still can't believe Melinda got voted off American Idol.

UPDATE: Another White House scene. Padpadpadpad.

UPDATE: The old Bloomfield Oil Platform! That's IT.

UPDATE: Three Hummers! He's still in the plot!

UPDATE: If anything bad goes down on the oil platform, the actors can just grab chunks of dialog and use them as flotation devices.

UPDATE: Do we think Chloe is pregnant?

UPDATE: One more hour, people.

UPDATE: "The submarine is on schedule." "How soon before they pick us up?" "Thirty minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: So they can't find the motorboat with three people in it, even knowing where it left from... but they CAN find human body heat on the oil platform.

UPDATE: Phillip Bauer and confederates! They can tell by the body heat who the people are!

UPDATE: And that they're confederates!

UPDATE: "Get the kid, Jack!" That's exactly what people say after bombs go off in their faces.

UPDATE: Hey! A helicopter! Do you think...

UPDATE: I think Maria should have gone with the bikini.

UPDATE: "We'll be in range in 22 minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: I suppose it would make way too much sense to have the fighter jets take out the submarine.

UPDATE: A five-mile perimeter. That's a big perimeter.

UPDATE: Those have to be the slowest fighter jets ever.

UPDATE: Catch them off guard? In a helicopter?

UPDATE: Ummm... Why did Cheng give the component to Phillip? Does that make any sense? Never mind! Who cares!

UPDATE: Shooting. Good.

UPDATE: Whoa! Josh!

UPDATE: Boom! Yay!

UPDATE: OK, the truth is that the Russians have no proof whatsoever that the component was destroyed. But who cares? Not us!

UPDATE: OK, there are 25 minutes to go. Cliffhanger time.

UPDATE: Aww. Chloe downloaded Morris's schematics.

UPDATE: Please let this be the last White House scene.

UPDATE: UH-oh... William Devane means... AUDREY.

UPDATE: I'm getting the feeling that this season is going to end with a whimper.

UPDATE: "I'm at a crossroads." Did he actually say that?

UPDATE: At least Audrey didn't get any lines.

UPDATE: Sigh.

24 ADVISORY

Be advised that tonight is the Big Finale of this season, wherein we are certain all of the various plot threads will be neatly tied up. It will be a two-hour show, starting at 8 p.m. Eastern Perimeter Time.

Be further advised that this blog was mentioned Sunday in the first paragraph of a serious New York Serious Times article about 24.  (Thanks to Eleanor for the link.)

24

Last week former child Ricky Schroeder led a Crack CTU Tactical Assaulting Attack Squadron on a raid of the old Bloomfield Copper Place. They were looking for the wily Chinese Subplot "Three Hummers" Cheng, who was believed, based on crack CTU intelligence work, to be hiding there, so of course he was not. It turned out that Cheng and his men escaped by -- The clever bastards! -- driving away in cars, which cannot be detected by CTU satellite technology. Cheng then had his men take the convenient and well-lit Los Angeles Municipal Sewer Terrorist Transport System (LAMSTTS) to the express stop located directly under CTU headquarters, easily the least secure building in North or South America. There Cheng's men cut the phone lines and quickly overcame the CTU security force, which consisted of retired school-crossing guards armed only with rolled-up copies of AARP, The Magazine.

You might think that, with attackers shooting their way into the building, somebody on the CTU staff might have contacted, say, the Los Angeles Police Department using -- it sounds crazy, but it just might have worked -- a cell phone. But apparently nobody thought to do this, which means that as we begin tonight's episode, the Chinese are in full control of CTU, which means that for the first time this season it is under competent management. Their first official act was to shoot Milo in the head, which was OK by this blog, because we have never cared for his little weenie eyebrow-size mustache. Either grow a real mustache or shave that thing off, that was this blog's opinion, and apparently the Chinese government agreed.

The Shocking Unexpected Plot Twist last week was that the Chinese, who must have reviewed the earlier episodes of this season on TiVo and thus rediscovered some of the fabled Lost Plot Threads, were actually after Jack's dead brother Graem's annoying son Josh, who is all mopey because his mom, Marilyn, has the acting skills of a lunchbox.

No, sorry, Josh is mopey because -- to quote the official 24 plot summary - he "is upset that his father was involved in killing twelve thousand people." This blog was amazed that Josh still remembered that particular plot element, as the writers clearly forgot about it long ago.

Anyway,  the Shocking Unexpected Plot Twist reason why the Chinese wanted Josh is that they're going to give him to Jack's dad, Farmer Hoggett, who is fixing the Top Secret Russian Nuclear Circuit Board of Doom, which the Chinese want, and which the Russians don't want the Chinese to have, and which the White House ALSO doesn't want the Chinese to have because this will create an International Incident, the mere mention of which causes the White House to soil its drawers. And if you think -- at a time when Chinese agents are shooting their way into a U.S. government facility in Los Angeles to get a circuit board that was brought into the United States by Russians who set off a nuclear freaking bomb in California -- if you think it's weird that our government gives a rat's rectum about hurting the feelings of either China OR Russia, well,  mister, then you have not properly prepared yourself to qualify as a viewer of this show.

Edgar is still dead. Whatshisname, Jack Bauer, is still rumored to be on the show, and may make an appearance tonight. He will also soon be appearing on The Simpsons, which at this point strikes us as a good career move.

Only two more episodes to go, people. We can do this. Just try to stay focused, and remember that eventually all will be made clear, or at least less incoherent, by the Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: How come, after 783 consecutive episodes of "House" in which House was right, the other doctors STILL argue with him?

UPDATE: Marilyn almost makes me miss Audrey.

UPDATE: This is a good sign, fighting and shooting and choking this early in the episode.

UPDATE: "I know the schematics of this building better than anyone."

UPDATE: That has got to be the best-lit sewer system in the world. The rats must wear sunglasses.

UPDATE: Come be Chinese with me, Josh!

UPDATE: Despite the perimeter, the wily Chinese Cheng will manage, once again, to escape and disappear into the vast untracked wilderness known as "Los Angeles."

UPDATE: Does anybody care about the Central Asian Theater? Because I sure don't.

UPDATE: I think, for a shocking plot twist, President Dark Powers and Karen should just get it on.

UPDATE: Whoa! Lisa! That saucy minx!

UPDATE: OK, now that Farmer Hoggett has doublecrossed Cheng, I can honestly say I have completely lost track of the plot. It's a liberating feeling.

UPDATE: Ben Cram? Did he say Ben Cram?

UPDATE: Right! This is a good time to run an investigation at CTU! Nothing else going on!

UPDATE: Lisa experienced a loss of oxygen to the brain. So she could become one of the writers.

UPDATE: After a strong start, this episode has slowed waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy down.

UPDATE: Seriously: Can anybody explain why the Russians are going to attack us because they're so upset at the Chinese? No? I didn't think so.

UPDATE: "None of this makes sense." Exactly.

UPDATE: All I have to say is: Enough with the circuit board.

UPDATE: Next week, things blowing up. Also: A jet AND a boat.

NOW THEY TELL US

Another reason to never watch "24" again: In what has to be the most careless slip of the tongue in recent memory (or a cavalier announcement of how stupid television really is), one of the executive producers of "24" told the industry magazine TV Week that the show hadn't mapped out its story lines in two seasons.

Uh, what? You're running a complex serial drama  --  albeit one that often makes no sense (which certainly makes sense now)  --  and you're admitting that nobody knows where the story is going? Unbelievable. And yet, not. This kind of disdain for the viewer, which came back to bite "24" in the butt this year as viewers revolted and ratings dropped, should not be forgiven. All promises of fixing the format next year should fall on deaf ears. The producers have admitted that they're not flying the plane and that they don't know where it's going, which is a dereliction of duty. Someone at Fox should be fired for not keeping better watch on one of the network's most popular shows.

(Thanks to marfie)

24

This summary might be even less accurate than usual. I missed most of 24 last week, which was a shrewd move because apparently it was Night of the Living  Audrey. Remember when this season was about nuclear bombs going off in U.S. cities? How did we get from that to Audrey? When this season finally ends, Congress had better hold hearings.

Anyway, Jack is all mopey because the evil Chinese subplots turned Audrey into a zombie, on top of which her father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, last seen drowning, reappeared to order Jack to keep away from his daughter. But before  that happened, Audrey said "Bloomfield," which turned out to be... a clue! To quote from the Official 24 Site "Plot" Summary:

There is a Bloomfield Copper Company that used to have a facility in Los Angeles. Forensics found copper particles on her clothes, so this may be where Cheng was hiding her. LAPD is locking down the building but Doyle is heading there now.

Sounds like a showdown at the old Bloomfield Copper place! (It's one of the many abandoned copper operations in the Los Angeles area.) CTU needs to capture the wily mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng before he can give his government the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom (thanks to Fred for the link) which could create... an international crisis. Already Russian troops are moving into Central Asia, and you know what that means. I don't know what it means, either, but it sounds bad, especially if you are a Russian troop.

Meanwhile back in Washngton, Acting President Dark Powers has discovered that Lisa, the White House vixen who has been on his staff, has also been on the staff of a Russian agent. This is very significant, because... OK, it just is. I'll be honest: whenever they show the Washington scenes, I go to the bathroom, even if I don't have to.

Edgar is still dead (although he got right on the horn to his agent when he saw William Devane reappear).

Morris has broken up with Chloe for good.

Christopher shot Tim Daly. (This happened last night on the Sopranos, but I'm including it here because,  whoa.)

Meanwhile, according to this column (thanks to Michelle Jameson) the producers of 24, apparently recognizing that this season totally bites is not quite up to snuff, are going to give it a "complete remodeling." Good idea! Maybe they could hire some writers!

Nah, that's crazy talk.

Anyway, we've given this season thousands of hours of our time, so we're not going to quit until it's over. We will be watching closely tonight, and of course waiting for clarification from the Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: A restraining order! THAT will certainly deter a legal stickler like Jack.

UPDATE: Dammit, Nadia!

UPDATE: Jack is a coiled spring, waiting to uncoil like... like a spring that is uncoiling.

UPDATE: A FIVE-BLOCK PERIMETER!

UPDATE: Real-time tactical feeds will be uplinked to their PDAs! They must have Cingular.

UPDATE: The Venus Breeze looks like a fine ladies' razor.

UPDATE: Can we just get to the shooting?

UPDATE: CTU's motto should be "D'oh!"

UPDATE: So basically, in a locked-down city, with CTU looking for him, Cheng can move a small army on CTU... undetected!

UPDATE: Dropped data fields in Sector 8, I HATE that.

UPDATE: Can we all agree that Chloe's new hair color is a major mistake?

UPDATE: Lisa needs to create an opportunity for Bishop to access her PDA. If you know what I mean.

UPDATE: This season is all about stalling for time, isn't it? Reminds me of baseball, when the manager goes to the mound and scratches his butt while the relief pitcher warms up. Only not as exciting.

UPDATE: What, exactly, do women mean when they say they're going to "freshen up?" Never mind, I don't want to know.

UPDATE: If I were the hospital that employs House, I'd fire him, because wherever he goes the patients are messed up.

UPDATE: "We're in." Wow! Even the Chinese say that! They must have watched a lot of movies.

UPDATE: Milo is hurt because there might be something between Nadia and Doyle. Seriously, do you believe the amount of this stuff that goes on at CTU?

UPDATE: Honestly, CTU is the single most clueless government agency in the history of government agencies. THEY CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT THAT THEY'RE UNDER FREAKING ATTACK.

UPDATE: NOW we are talking.

UPDATE: I'll be honest: I was never attached to Milo. But seriously: Should we not be a little bit troubled by the fact that CTU -- the agency responsible for protecting the nation from terrorists -- could not protect its own building from terrorists?

UPDATE: So it's Jack against, what, 25 killers? This thing is over.

UPDATE: The air duct! That is so... unexpected.

UPDATE: The costume designer said, "OK, the attackers will wear matching tank tops. And we will glisten their bodies with sweat."

UPDATE: Modern buildings have PA systems in the air ducts, for exactly this reason.

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett! That old so-and-so.

UPDATE: This was the best episode for a while. Utterly preposterous, but less White House and more Jack. Which is why we watch. Coming up: The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: An excellent analysis from commenter Wes S.:

OK, wait a minute...Farmer Hoggett, the superpatriot, is going to defect to China on the spur of the moment because he thinks his country is ungrateful.

And the Russians are getting ready to go to war with the United States because the Chinese got their hands on one of their nuclear weapons components...from a Russian nuke that was smuggled into the USA, by a Russian general, to be used to take out an American city. And the Russians are allegedly doing this because they're afraid of a war with CHINA!

Is this show making even less sense than usual?

24

Last week was a thrilling nonstop roller-coaster ride crammed with high-energy action, drama and suspense. Here's one of the big scenes, as described on the official 24 website: 

12:31 AM -- Karen goes to see Lennox, rationalizing that Reed is using anything he can to bargain his way out of the death penalty for treason. Hock wants to distance the President, and needs either Karen or Buchanan to be blamed. Lennox says that Buchanan is already in the crosshairs and will ultimately be responsible because his signature is on the Fayed release. Karen considers resigning again, but Lennox advises her to not risk her own job since she can’t save Buchanan.

If that doesn't make your sphincter contract, I don't know what will. And tonight promises to be just as good. Here's where we stand:

As you recall, Jack, having managed to escape from Special Agent Former Child Ricky Schroder, was going to meet the evil Chinese Subplot Cheng, who is holding Audrey hostage. Jack's plan was to trade the Top Secret Circuit Board of Doom for Audrey, then blow himself and Cheng and the circuit board up. But Special Agent Ricky showed up at the last minute with a CTU response team and, with typical CTU precision and effectiveness, screwed everything up. Cheng got the circuit board and was able to escape via the fiendishly brilliant tactical tactic of using three black Hummers. That's right: Not only were there three of them, but THEY WERE ALL BLACK!! If the Hummers had been different colors, or if one of them had the words "CHENG IS IN THIS CAR" painted on the roof, CTU might -- I  stress might -- have been able to catch him. But three black Hummers? Fuggedaboudit!

Responding swiftly to the blown mission and Cheng's escape, Special Agent Ricky (Why not?) arrested Jack, who begins this episode in custody for, what, the 273rd time. He is blue because Audrey was brainwashed and doesn't recognize him. Neither do I. The Jack I know and love would have shot the entire CTU response team last week and right now would be bouncing along some dark mountain road, clinging to the back bumper of a black Hummer with one hand while using his other to call Chloe on his cellphone so he could download some schematics.

Come back, Jack. We miss you. And the old Chloe. And Marwan.

Meanwhile President Gary Payton of Your Former World Champion Miami Heat Who Really Stunk It Up in the Playoffs is still in a coma. Acting President Dark Powers has responded to the looming international crisis by declaring to his aide Lisa his desire to show her his executive branch. She was totally willing. So there they were, alone together, in the middle of the night, touching each other, and as you might expect, Lisa... went home to get a change of clothes. Of course! That's exactly what would happen!

Edgar is still dead.

So that's where we stand. I may be joining you late tonight, because Mrs. Blog is being honored at a University of Miami School of Communications banquet, and if you think you can miss a banquet honoring your wife because you have to watch 24, then you are a man who has never been even slightly married. I will set this to auto-post at 8:30, and I'll join you as soon as I can. Until then you're on your own. As always we await the moment when The Amazing Steve shows up and makes everything clear.

UPDATE: Well, it was a long banquet. They gave plaques to everybody in North America. But now I'm here. What's going on?

UPDATE: Bloomfield! Just as I thought.

UPDATE: Man, has this whole thing been about Audrey? I'm going back to the banquet.

UPDATE: What? Lisa's a slut?

UPDATE: William Devane is back!

UPDATE: I'm with William Devane. I don't think Jack should go near Audrey ever again.

UPDATE: "Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead." Yes! What's your point?

UPDATE: Wait a minute... that was the end? Where's the shocking episode-ending plot twist? Did they put that at the beginning this week?

24

Nothing really happened last week, unless you count President Gary Payton of Your World Champion For At Least Another Few Hours Miami Heat lapsing into roughly his 14th coma. Other than that it was pretty much blah blah blah until the very end, when Jack pulled a gun on former child Ricky Schroder and went off on -- Surprise! -- a Rogue Operation. He's going to see Cheng, the evil Chinese subplot who's holding Audrey hostage somewhere in -- Surprise! -- the Los Angeles area, where pretty much every other building contains at least one terrorist mastermind.

Jack's Rogue Operation plan is to save Audrey by giving Cheng the Top Secret circuit board that he got from the suitcase nuclear bombs that at one time we hoped -- How young and stupid we were! -- would develop into some kind of plot, but which turned out to be mainly a circuit-board delivery device. Jack's plan is to blow himself and the circuit board and Cheng up once he has freed Audrey, but color us doubtful. Jack's plan is of course opposed by acting president Darth Boothe, whose entire domestic and foreign policy consists of opposing Jack's plans.

Edgar is still dead. Let's face it: This season is, too, ever since the writers made the clinically insane decision to replace the threat of nuclear devastation with the threat of something bad happening to Audrey. At this point the only thing that keeps us watching is the hope that the good people at Victoria's Secret will continue their commendable campaign to keep the public informed regarding the new Extreme Plunge Push-Up Brassiere. So we will be hanging in tonight as best we can, awaiting clarification from the Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: Here's my badge, extra!

UPDATE: All available resources, against Jack? Hahahaha.

UPDATE: I know I have said this before, but: CTU could not track an elephant through a closet.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: "Policy-wise, we are in alignment." This is also how Tom picks up chicks.

UPDATE: Wow. Even the Chinese dialog sounds wooden.

UPDATE: Darth Boothe, you HOUND DOG!

UPDATE: "The White House is telling me that if the Chinese get hold of this subcircuit board, we'll have an international incident on our hands." Thanks, Scriptwriters!

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: New subplot time!

UPDATE: Ah! Jack Bauer! So he's still in this series.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but I don't care whether Bill or Karen goes down. Which is not in any way a reference to what is going on in the Oval Office.

UPDATE: That's IT??? We see TWO SECONDS OF JACK and then it's BACK TO THE FREAKING WHITE HOUSE?????

UPDATE: They should change the name of this show to "White House Gasbags."

UPDATE: JACK GOT BILL'S VOICEMAIL!

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but that just struck me as funny. I mean, this is a show where no matter WHAT situation Jack is in -- including clinging to the undercarriage of a nuclear terrorist garbage truck -- Jack always can get through immediately to anybody, anywhere, including the president. But THIS time he gets voicemail.

UPDATE: This is an excellent time for Bill to be pondering personnel matters. Nothing else going on!

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: This is the worst episode padding EVER.

UPDATE: "The public will make assumptions that don't exist." Huh?

UPDATE: Of course agent Ricky has no backup whatsoever. That would be crazy!

UPDATE: Don't ask any questions! I'm part of a subplot!

UPDATE: I have wasted the best years of my life watching this season.

UPDATE: So, do we think we're building toward the One Minute of Actual Action, and then the Shocking Plot Twist? Or what?

UPDATE: Wow! They are going to send help for Ricky! Having shrewdly waited until it is way too late.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be cool if Jack said, "Whoa! Audrey! Have you gained weight?"

UPDATE: Ummm.... Couldn't the 97 Chinese guys just, you know, shoot Jack?

UPDATE: OK, if this guy gets away from CTU, then this is officially the least competent federal bureau EVER.

UPDATE: Wow! THREE CARS!! That is so CLEVER!! No way could the entire United States government successfully track THREE CARS!!!

UPDATE: The only explanation is that the writers, when they developed this "plot," were smoking a very high grade of crack.

UPDATE: Next week, Jack is under arrest. For a change! We now turn you over to the Amazing Steve, the lone ray of hope in this hideous formless mass of a season.

IF THIS BLOG WERE CAPABLE OF WRITING AN INTELLIGENT CRITIQUE OF THIS SEASON OF 24...

..it would look like this.

Warning: You may have to deal with some kind of ad or something to read this.

(Thanks to funniegrrl)

24

There is no way to sugar-coat this: Audrey is back. It makes us yearn for the good old hours when all we had to worry about was nuclear devastation.

Speaking of which: The terrorists this year have been pathetic. They had all those suitcase nukes, and they managed to cause one lousy explosion, which at this point feels like it happened back in the Clinton administration. Last week Jack terminated the lone remaining terrorist submastermind that we know of, Fayed, following a dramatic sanitation-truck sequence, which, according to the Official 24 website episode summary, included this scene:

10:46 P.M.

Jack is clinging to the undercarriage of the truck, just inches from the asphalt that speeds past his head.

That's right: Jack was inches from speeding asphalt. Incredibly, he survived and managed to kill all the terrorist extras and get the suitcase nukes. But just when we thought the crisis was over and the season was going to end after 17 episodes, Jack's co-agent, Former Child Ricky Schroder, got a call for Jack. He handed his cell phone to Jack. On the other end was somebody Jack had been led to believe was dead: Edgar.

No, sorry, Edgar is still dead. On the other end was Audrey, and as Jack always does when Audrey rears her whiny head, he started having Feelings and turned into Mr. I-Have-To-Save-Audrey. She is being held prisoner in a Chinese Subplot by Cheng Zhi, who is obviously evil, although we do not yet know what evil rank he holds (submastermind, mastermind, or puppetmaster).

Meanwhile President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat turned out not to be a homicidal lunatic after all. That is the bad news. The good news is, he appears to be about ready to lapse back into his coma, which means we can at least hope to see the return to power of Vice President Darth Boothe.

Speaking of returning: Sooner or later Jack's father needs to reappear in the plot, right? Or was that last year? Not that it matters! The way it's going, we may even see Marwan. Whatever happens, we will be ready. And so will the Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: Right. Like Jack would go to a hospital.

UPDATE: I thought Ricky was going to kiss Jack.

UPDATE: Let her die, Jack! For the good of humanity, particularly the viewers!

UPDATE: I really hate the bunker.

UPDATE: Do you get the feeling the prez is about to keel?

UPDATE: "Jack, we both know that if we do this, it will create an international situation, big time."

UPDATE: Has there EVER been a federal bureau less secure than CTU?

UPDATE: Whoa! The Victoria's Secret Extreme Plunge Pushup is WAAAAYYYYY more interesting than the Boyfriend Trouser.

UPDATE: Is President Gary Payton the worst actor ever? Or what? And I include Lassie in that statement.

UPDATE: Actually, I guess Lassie was an actress.

UPDATE: Oooh. Morris has a logging program, and he knows about the downloaded updated schematics!

UPDATE: Whoever really is in charge of our nuclear security better be nothing at all like these people.

UPDATE: Jack vs. the entire US military... No contest!

UPDATE: Wow. Two whole soldiers guarding the bombs! No sense taking chances!

UPDATE: Don't worry! Just a severe blow to Jack's head! He'll be fine!

UPDATE: "Whatever you have planned, Jack, I can't let you do it." Har.

UPDATE: So after a nuclear crisis -- including a bomb going off in California -- the president sits around watching television?

UPDATE: Jack gives his Word to somebody about every nine minutes.

UPDATE: Right! Risk world war FOR AUDREY!!

UPDATE: We need more information on the Victoria's Secret Extreme Plunge Pushup.

UPDATE: He wants Ricky to help with Audrey's extraction.

UPDATE: Apparently Jack intends to kill himself. Smart! He will not have to deliver any more of this dialog.

UPDATE: Also apparently Morris is completely over getting electric-drilled in the shoulder.

UPDATE: Wait a minute: Cheng and Audrey are in Los Angeles?

UPDATE: Oooh! Darth Boothe! You rascal!

UPDATE: I am still predicting impending presidential keelage.

UPDATE: Told you.

UPDATE: Not Bethesda!

UPDATE: I for one welcome the Darth Boothe administration.

UPDATE: For the record: Basically no action in this episode so far.

UPDATE: I think when it's all over, they should show Bill in his condo, wearing a dress.

UPDATE: For the record: Drums in the soundtrack are not a substitute for action.

UPDATE: Well, that was lame.

UPDATE: Next week, at least some shooting, and a helicopter. Hey, we will take what we can get. And now... eventually... The Amazing Steve!

24

Here is where we stand:

We don't really know. We missed last week. But here's where we think we stand:

Lunatic Vice President Darth Boothe was going to launch a nuclear missile against a country that has not been named (although we have our suspicions). Fortunately President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat emerged from his coma, which was indistinguishable from his acting, to restore sanity to the government by... launching the nuclear missile anyway. So basically we have a struggle for power at the highest level of the U.S. government between two insane homicidal nuclear maniacs, which is a good thing because the terrorists have totally dropped the ball since their one lone nuclear strike, which was months ago.

The current ranking terrorist submastermind that this blog is aware of is Fayed, who edged ahead of Gredenko last week when Gredenko took one for the terrorist team in the form of having his arm whacked off, although apparently the only part of this that the TV audience got to see was the severed arm, played by the late Wally Cox. Apparently Jack will be interrogating Fayed this evening, so we are hoping for some excitement there. We are also hoping for fewer and shorter bunker scenes, and no mention whatsoever of the 25th Amendment. "Less bunker, more Bauer," that is this blog's feeling.

Edgar is still dead.

VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISORY: We have been warned by a number of sources that something much worse than total worldwide nuclear devastation may occur tonight.

UPDATE: There is nothing happening at this time.

UPDATE: Whoa. House is on Prison Break. There must have been a major plot twist.

UPDATE: House just spat on a surgeon! I hope he also shows up in 24.

UPDATE: I just can't imagine Bill and Karen having sex.

UPDATE: Jack's interrogating somebody and THEY'RE NOT SHOWING IT!!! What is WRONG with these people?

UPDATE: Could this dialogue be any more wooden? Really, could it?

UPDATE: It was a trick missile. I knew we couldn't trust President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat to be a homicidal lunatic.

UPDATE: Two words, Jack: (1) Power. (2) Tools.

UPDATE: They're in a kitchen! There's probably a fryer! Come on, show some initiative!

UPDATE: Who is General Habib again? Is he the Latest Terrorist Mastermind (LTM)?

UPPDATE: "We're all doing some learning today, aren't we sir." Blecccch.

UPDATE: I hope they remember to exchange insurance information.

UPDATE: How come sometimes the terrorists speak English to each other, and other times they do not? Hmm?

UPDATE: A fake! Good one!

UPDATE: See? Why are they all of a sudden speaking English?

UPDATE: No! Don't involve the president!

UPDATE: I keep hoping they'll slip up and name the country they're all talking about.

UPDATE: Milo is too jealous to be uplinking for Nadia.

UPDATE: I think they should let the viewers vote on the target.

UPDATE: Thanks for joining us, President GPOYWCMH!

UPDATE: A code! Those sneaky terrorist mastermind bastards!

UPDATE: Jack has a visual on the target vehicle and is going to engage.

UPDATE: "I'm on my way to you now." Thanks, Mister Screenwriter!

UPDATE: The Sanitation Truck of Nuclear Doom!

UPDATE: I hate the bunker.

UPDATE: That was a crunchy neck.

UPDATE: These terrorists are horrible shots.

UPDATE: Biting, headbutting AND a chain! AND "Say hello to your brother." THIS is why we watch this show.

UPDATE: UH-oh....

UPDATE: Our worst fears have been realized. Audrey AND the Dreaded Chinese Subplot.

UPDATE: Well, except for our worst fears being realized, it was a good episode. Much more Jack. Thanks for joining the blog tonight; stick around for The Amazing Steve.

24

OK, so I finally read up on last night's episode (great job by you commenters, and, as always, The Amazing Steve) and I have a couple of questions, the main one being:
Gredenko had his own personal ARM cut off?? On PURPOSE????
Whoa. That is some serious dedication to terrorism. Anyway, it sounds as though, after he had it cut off, he wandered around quite a bit, which leads to my follow-up question:
HOW DO YOU WANDER AROUND IF SOMEBODY JUST CUT OFF YOUR FREAKING ARM?????
Did they make any effort to make this seem even remotely plausible?
Also, do we now think President Gary Payton is evil? Or merely insane? Either one is fine with me.

24

Here is where we stand:

Vice President Darth Boothe, the only ray of hope in this steaming heap of a random-tangent, padded-plot season, is determined to launch a nuclear missile against a country that nobody seems capable of naming. Maybe it's a hard-to-pronounce country, such as Krzyzewskistan. But whatever it is, Darth wants to nuke it, and this blog supports him 115 percent, because we want to see some country other than Los Angeles get nailed for a change. At the end of last week's episode, President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat, who had been in a coma caused by listening to himself speak, was revived so he could call off the nuclear strike, but veep Vader is claiming the president is unfit, so we will probably have to listen to a lot of bunker blather about that tonight.

On the bright side, we know from the previews that there will be shooting, and Jack will be PINNED DOWN.

Edgar is still dead.

As I advisoried you earlier, I will be unable to watch tonight's show with you, but you're welcome to comment here. And as always we await the summary of the Amazing Steve. Until then, sit back and enjoy the show.

UPDATE (from the s.b.): GO GATORS! Shoot 'em in the thigh!

NOOOOOOOOOOO

According to the Internet -- and if we can't trust the Internet, whom can we trust? -- Audrey will make her surprise return to 24 tomorrow night, having managed to escape from a Chinese prison in bad shape.

WHY WE LOVE CHLOE

We have no choice.

Via Geek, thanks to Steve "The Amazing Steve" Pietrowicz)

24

Last week the terrorists, after much delay during which the plot got padded almost beyond recognition, finally launched a drone carrying a nuclear bomb. Needless to say they launched it from the Los Angeles area, because that is where everything happens. You might think that CTU, which is also located in Los Angeles and has satellites that can detect and track pretty much all earthly movement down to the level of individual gnats, would have detected the launch and sent somebody -- at minimum, California state troopers -- to the site to, you know, apprehend the perpetrators, maybe ticket them for drone-launching without a permit. But no. Not only did CTU not send anybody to the launch site, but it also somehow lost track of the drone.

Seriously: Has there ever been a less-competent federal agency than CTU? And yes, we are including FEMA in that statement.

Fortunately the terrorists this year also suffer from Tiny Brain Syndrome, so they decided to locate the guy who was piloting the drone three blocks from CTU headquarters. Yes! We are still trying to imagine the meeting during which the writers conceived of that. So our boy Jack Bauer, despite floating rib fragments, was able  to terminate the drone pilot with extreme killitude, take over the joystick, and, using what appeared to be Microsoft Brand Flight Simulator, land the drone (Why not?) on the deck of an aircraft carrier in San Francisco.

Vice President Powers Boothe, it goes without saying, decided to retaliate by launching a nuclear strike against... OK, we are not sure where. But we're going to launch a nuclear strike against somebody, unless Jack can do something. We don't really care: We're just grateful for Vice President Powers Boothe, who is (a) acting as president, and (b) a complete raving loon, which means he is our best current hope for the plot, unless the terrorists can pull it together.

In other news: Jack found out that Audrey died in China, but we don't believe Audrey can be killed that easily. Edgar, on the other hand, is still dead.

That is where we stand. I am again on childcare duty tonight, but I will make every effort to be here, ready for action.

UPDATE: Wow. That one guy on Prison Break finally killed that other guy.

UPDATE: No, wait, he just impaled him. False alarm! Sorry.

UPDATE: Fresh plasma! The best kind.

UPDATE: How come they call Fayed's country "Fayed's country?" Is that its name?

UPDATE: I got a phone call, if you can imagine. What happened? Why did Fayed choke Gredenko? Who are these people? Why does this person not eat red food? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

UPDATE: Ah! Mark Hauser. I knew it.

UPDATE: Jack's going back Into the Field. Good.

UPDATE: The Old Navy Shorts are WAYYYYYYYYYYy better than the Boyfriend Trouser.

UPDATE: How will they be able to tell when he's out of the coma?

UPDATE: So our missiles are so lame that we can't hit the Middle East without moving the submarine right up next to it?

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. Let's get back to Jack, in the Field.

UPDATE: Thigh shot! It's been too long.

UPDATE: "I'm gonna talk to him first." Heheheheh.

UPDATE: A nuclear power plant! NOW we are getting somewhere.

UPDATE: You'll be fine, Brady. Nobody ever gets hurt with Jack Bauer around.

UPDATE: Did you ever just really need some protocols?

UPDATE: Has there ever been a more dysfunctional workplace than CTU?

UPDATE: Who the hell is Johnson?

UPDATE: The Victoria's Secret bra seriously beats the Old Navy Shorts.

UPDATE: Assault Vectors! Those will be useful.

UPDATE: It's like "The Young and the Restless," but with worse writing.

UPDATE: This is President Payton's best acting by far.

UPDATE: "I need to put it in your ear." Har.

UPDATE: "Remember the position we talked about?" Har.

UPDATE: They're certainly doing all they can to protect Brady, other than not sending him out alone to meet with nuclear terrorists.

UPDATE: UH-oh: The Boyfriend Trouser ad. Where's the tranquilizer dart when you need it?

UODATE: Interrogation!

UPDATE: Wait... is this going to be just talking???

UPDATE: President Payton! He's BACK!

UPDATE: I hope he goes back into a coma soon, because Vice President Homicidal Lunatic is WAY more fun.

UPDATE: Coup! All right!

UPDATE: Next week, shooting, and Jack is PINNED DOWN. Take it, Amazing Steve.

WE HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS

Project Chloe

(Thanks to Scott Genz)

ON THE ONE HAND, YOU'D BE HELPING A GOOD CAUSE

On the other hand, you could get shot in the thigh.

(Thanks to Steve "The Amazing Steve" Pietrowicz)

CHECK OUT THE POLL

What can Jack do with floating rib fragments and internal bleeding in his chest?

THIS IS HUGE

This blog has just received a shipment of -- get ready -- 24 Brand Energy Gum. Yes. It is made by the manufacturers of Jolt Brand Energy Gum, and its motto is:

Chew More. Do More.

Here's the package:

This is bound to become hugely popular with individuals who, for one reason or another, need to stay up.

24

Last week disgraced ex-president Complete Handbag got stabbed by his insane but talented former First Lady, who happened to have a knife with her because she had been chopping vegetables, just as anyone might be doing if she were a former first lady waiting to speak to the Russian premier's wife in an effort to avert international nuclear war. The stabbing was supposed to be a Shocking Plot Development, but in fact it was yet another example of blatant episode padding, of which there has been entirely too much this year, if you want this blog's opinion.

Meanwhile Jack, with the help of former child Ricky Schroeder, managed to get out of his scrape at the Russian consulate via the standard CTU operational procedure of shooting several dozen extras. Jack and Ricky will now (we hope) return to the actual plot, which as some of you may recall involves suitcase nukes, which last week the terrorist mastermind Gredenko was putting aboard drones, which are scheduled for departure tonight, pending approval from Air Traffic Control at O'Hare.

Meanwhile in the bunker, Vice President Powers Boothe and his aides are all blah blah blah. Basically the bunker scenes are a good time to go to the bathroom. That way you will not miss the commercials for Gap's exciting new fashion concept, the Boyfriend Trouser.

Edgar is still dead.

I may be joining you late tonight, because Mrs. Blog is out sportswritering, which means I am the Parent in Charge. I'll get here as soon as I can; meanwhile, you are on your own.

UPDATE: I stand corrected. According to commenter bauerbabe, Mrs. ex-Handbag was chopping fruit, not vegetables. This makes far more sense for a person who is about to contact the Russian premier's wife to avert nuclear war.

UPDATE: Jack needs to be stabilized. Har.

UPDATE: Those are the drones? I've flown model aircraft larger than those.

UPDATE: You'd think that a show as successful as this could find two actors who could do the same fake Russian accent.

UPDATE: Nadia! Using Milo's code! That slut.

UPDATE: OK, if they see where the drone is, couldn't they see where it was launched from and GO GET THE TERRORISTS?

UPDATE: Wow. One terrorist with a laptop can disable the whole US satellite network. He must have Vista.

UPDATE: I hate to beat this to death, but shouldn't CTU also be, you know, LOOKING FOR THE TERRORISTS???

UPDATE: AUDREY'S DEAD????? CAN THIS BE TRUE???????????????????????

UPDATE: Of course it is always tragic when any cast member kicks the bucket.

UPDATE: Does it seem as though acting president Boothe has snorked down like 167 Qualuuds?

UPDATE I stand corrected. Acting president Boothe has snorked down 167 Quaaluds.

UPDATE: Right. CTU should be checking up on Morris's breath as opposed to FINDING THE FREAKING TERRORISTS.

UPDATE: A leak? At CTU?? WHAT ARE THE ODDS????

UPDATE: I can barely hear the actors over the roar of the Wooden Dialogue Generator.

UPDATE: So obviously Milo is the leaker, right?

UPDATE: There goes the San Francisco real-estate market.

UPDATE: President Payton is even more dynamic when he's in a coma.

UPDATE: Even dead, Audrey can suck the life out of an episode.

UPDATE: Ten minutes to go! Time for something to actually happen!

UPDATE: Jack's flying the drone!

UPDATE: Land it on the writers, Jack!

UPDATE: I want to make sure I understand this: The terrorists launched a drone, and nobody at CTU bothered to go looking for them. But CTU found the guy piloting the drone -- who I assume could have been anywhere -- because he set up shop THREE BLOCKS FROM CTU HEADQUARTERS. Well, sure! That makes a ton of sense!

UPDATE: At least acting president Boothe is a homicidal maniac. At this point, he's our only hope.

UPDATE: Goodnight, all you cats 'n' kittens. Take it, Amazing Steve.

24 ADVISORY

It's tonight at 9 Eastern Newfangled Daylight Time. A summary of the "plot" will be posted here at 8:30. Meanwhile, here is a troubling new angle to consider.

(Thanks to Mike A.)

24

Last week, Jack, on the trail of the suitnukes, singlehandedly invaded the Russian consulate and used a cigar cutter to lop off the tip of the pinky of the Russian consul, Markov. This turned out to be a violation of both international law and U.S. Product Safety Commission guidelines, so the Russians have taken Jack into custody. Jack may have no choice but to kill them all, because there is little time to waste: Gredenko is in the desert with Fayed putting the nukes on the drones, and once those babies are launched, it will be a matter of only a couple of months before they reach their targets.

With President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat still suffering from a bad case of bomb-itis, Vice President Powers Boothe has taken command of the government and, as a precautionary counterterrorism measure, set fire to the U.S. Constitution. Meanwhile, disgraced ex-president Complete Handbag has reappeared in the plot, which is exciting because tonight we apparently are going to see the return of his lovely