Dave Barry's Blog

WE ASSUME A PERIMETER WAS INVOLVED

Malaysian Zulkifli bin Hir, or Marwan, who was on the US FBI's most wanted list with a $5m (£3.2m) reward offered for his capture, was reported killed.

(Emphasis added, for emphasis)

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

24: THE MOVIE

Chloe will be involved.

(Thanks to Emily Tobin, Jeff Brown, and funny man)

THE PERIMETER IS FORMING NOW

'24' Might Start Shooting in April 2012 With Kiefer Sutherland Back as Jack Bauer

(Thanks to funny man)

Related seasonal flashback item here.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

LET'S ASK CHLOE

I’ve been buying up the entire “24” series on DVD,
since I’ve been missing it not being on TV.

Now, I’m finding the shows are nowhere nearly
as entertaining as being able to have Dave’s
“running commentary” during the show.

Since subtitles are available, and the DVD
series are probably due for a refresh, is there
any possibility they can do a box set which
includes Dave’s commentary in the subtitles?

Thanks!
Dave Roe

AND THEY'LL KEEP SHOOTING UNTIL THE LAST THIGH HAS BEEN PUNCTURED

Kiefer Sutherland Optimistic About ’24′ Movie: “We Start Shooting Hopefully By Next December or January’

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

WHY WE LOVE CHLOE

Read this.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ESTABLISH YOUR PERIMETER AND DOWNLOAD YOUR SCHEMATICS

The 24 Marathon Challenge

(Thanks to Trent Whitney)

CHLOE UPDATE

"I wish Edgar wasn't dead."

(Thanks to Virgil)

THIS CALLS FOR, AT MINIMUM, A NATIONAL HOLIDAY

Chloe is back.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

SO HE'S NOT STILL DEAD

Edgar was seen in the 11/1 episode of Hawaii Five-0 on CBS!  He’s back!

Elizabeth Bettisworth

THE MORNING AFTER OPENING NIGHT, THE TIMES CRITIC WAS SHOT IN THE THIGH

24 actor Kiefer Sutherland is headed for the New York stage to star in a Broadway revival of That Championship Season.

(Thanks to Stacie Donaldson)

MARWAN UPDATE

He's back!

No word on Edgar.

(Thanks to Emily Tobin)

ATTENTION, SICKO PERVERTS SERIOUS FANS OF 24

Christmas is coming.

(Thanks to sandy)

JACK BAUER IS NOT GONE

He's on Avenue A.

(Thanks to funnyman)

JACK BAUER IN THE FUTURE

It will get more difficult for Jack to download the schematics.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

JACK BAUER UPDATE

He's out there.

(Thanks to Matt Loper)

SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM

Dear Dave,
I don’t know if this was previously reported.  I watched “G.I. Joe:  Rise of the Cobra” last night, and Marwan was in it.  I’m sorry to report that not only is he still a bad guy, but he is now working undercover in the White House as the President of the United States.  On the bright side, maybe this will be just cause for Jack to come out of hiding.
Always on Alert,
Sharon Lurie

HEY, WE'D WATCH IT

Har.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

Here is where we stand:

Jack, having for various solid reasons killed or wounded two-thirds of the population of Manhattan, is now hunting Russian President Suvarov and also leaking about a quart of blood every 15 minutes. Jack is in turn being pursued by CTU under the command of Pillar, the henchperson of ex-President Dirtbag, who was captured by Jack last week and revealed, under interrogation, that he had pooped his drawers. Meanwhile the FBI took the Secret Video away from Meredith and has been ordered to give it to President Woman President, who is suffering from pangs of either conscience or intestinal flu; there is no way to tell which.

Chloe and Cole are also trying to find Jack. Edgar is still dead.

Tonight's two-hour special is the final episode, ending eight years of Jack Bauer's courageous efforts to find some way, against impossible odds, not to laugh out loud at the plot. It is a journey we have all taken together; a journey that has given us much to think about. We can honestly say that it has been an unmitigated pleasure, except when it sucked. Thanks to all of you for participating on this blog. And thanks especially to The Amazing Steve for his wonderful summaries. We don't know why you do it, T.A.S., but we strongly suspect drugs are very grateful.

And now it's time for our final scientific poll:

What was your favorite moment in all the eight seasons?
	Terrorist frogpersons capturing the White House.
	Jack getting addicted to heroin.
	Chloe tasering the drunk in the bar.
	The time that the perimeter actually succeeded in capturing a... No, wait, that never happened.
	The Victoria's Secret Dream Angel Push-up Brassiere commercial.
	Chloe shooting the machine gun.
	Marwan.
	The discovery that it is not necessary to refrigerate ketchup or mustard.
	That time Jack shouted "DAMMIT!"
	The ceremony observing the hiring of the 10,000th CTU mole.
	The terrorist missile that flew from Iowa to Los Angeles at 14 miles per hour.
	Renee cutting off that guy's thumb.
	Renee emerging from the Potomac.
	All the times Jack obtained voluntary confessions through the use of power tools.
	Some other moment, which I will nominate in the comments (the blog comments, not the poll comments).
	This is off-topic, but: It felt as though the last episode of "Lost" ran about 17 hours too long.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Jack said he's eternally grateful. So maybe he's DEAD.

UPDATE: When two guys are aiming guns at each other and engaging in dialog, I always think, "If I were one of those guys, I would pull the trigger, before the other guy does." Does that make me a bad person? Never mind.

UPDATE: Nice product placement of the rearview-camera feature.

UPDATE: But we WANT to see Jack take Pillar apart piece by piece.

UPDATE: Jack has the power of Backseat Invisibility.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer does not need blood.

UPDATE: Or anesthetic.

UPDATE: "I am judge and jury. Now STEP BACK."

UPDATE: Here's the thing: Middle East peace treaties NEVER work anyway.

UPDATE: Whoa! President Woman President is insane! This is good!

UPDATE: Jack has one of those instant-on PCs that don't actually exist.

UPDATE: Somehow, Jack got inside the perimeter.

UPDATE: Nice to see Chloe with a gun again.

UPDATE: Jack choking Chloe! Hot.

UPDATE: Jack has a very large gun.

UPDATE: One hour down. Not a whole lot happened.

UPDATE: "The pipple of Russia."

UPDATE: So far today Jack has been stabbed twice and (I think) shot twice. At this rate he is eventually going to need medical attention.

UPDATE: JACKULA!

UPDATE: I miss the rods.

UPDATE: Well, THIS is a neat and tidy ending.

UPDATE: Aw. Jack and Chloe.

UPDATE: So in conclusion: The Peace Process was NOT a big deal after all! So this season was about... what? Never mind. We had our little fun, didn't we? Take it away one last time, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern Apocalypse Time: The two-hour grand finale.

(Motivational poster by Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy, who has a 24 page)

Related email:

Dave,
I’m an ER doctor who also happens to be a rabid “24” fan.  Not too long ago, I was working the night shift.  Over the course of about an hour, two different people came in with bilateral gunshot wounds to the thighs.  You heard me right.  Two people who were shot in both thighs.  Immediately after seeing the second patient, I thought to myself, “Jack Bauer’s in town and boy is he pissed.”
-- Todd Larson

IT'S ALMOST OVER

And we still have no idea what happened.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack, who is finally starting to come out of his shell, used his powers of persuasion as well as pliers, a blowtorch, a knife, a power drill, a chainsaw, a pickaxe, a roto-tiller, a backhoe and an industrial sandblaster to extract a SIM card from the digestive system of the Russian agent Pavel. Jack now knows that former President Handbag is involved with the Russians, which means Jack will be paying him a call.

Meanwhile everybody at CTU (Motto: "The One Thing We Never Actually Do Is Counter Terrorism") is secretly working to thwart everybody else.

Edgar is still dead.

I regret to say that I am still traveling, although I may be able to join you for some of the show. Be sure to stay tuned in the comments section afterward for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think the writers are ultimately going to kill Jack?
	No.
	Yes.
	How?
	I think Jack should ultimately kill the writers.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: "You killed that man, didn't you." Um, duh.

UPDATE: Mrs. Sham certainly did not take long to get over the death of her husband.

UPDATE: President Woman President sure has a modest desk.

UPDATE: Darth Jack.

UPDATE: I can't believe he didn't kill Handbag.

UPDATE: People tend to open up to Jack.

UPDATE: "He shot to wound." That Jack! Such a softie.

UPDATE: WOW! Death by poker!

UPDATE: Excellent move by Jack, bugging the Handbag.

UPDATE: Take it, T.A.S.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Enhanced Interrogation Time. Be here, or be a rear.

24

Here is where we stand:

At the end of last week Jack finally caught up with Dana and -- while experiencing conflicting emotions including sorrow, remorse, anguish and a deep sense of unease caused by not going to the bathroom in nearly eight years -- shot her fatally at close range several times. (He also shot a NYPD officer in the foot, but he apologized.) Now Jack has the Secret Video That Could Change Everything and is on the run in full Rogue Mode, seeking justice and revenge while being pursued by the Russians, CTU and all branches of American law enforcement including the Coast Guard.

Edgar is still dead. I envy him,  because I'm still on book tour, currently on the West Coast. This means I will once again be unable to join you, although you all seem to do fine down there in the comments section. As always we will rely on The Amazing Steve to give us his analysis afterward. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Were you surprised when Jack shot Dana?
	No. He's JACK BAUER, for God's sake.
	Yes, because revenge is wrong, plus she was looking hot from the waterboarding.
	I thought he was going to kill her just by glaring hard.
	I hope he also shoots ex-president Handbag.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Execution Time. Be on this blog, or be a remarkably unattractive frog.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack recruited Agent Freddie Prinze Jr. to the Rogue Team. They are now on their way to the safe house containing Agent Dana Walsh, where Jack intends to interview her regarding the role of the Russians in the whacking of Renee. Agent Walsh is currently being waterboarded by henchpersons working for President Woman President, who, at the urging of disgraced ex-President Complete Handbag, has gone over to the Dark Side to save the all-important Peace Procezzzzzzzzzz.

Edgar is still dead.

I will not be joining you tonight, as I'm starting the tour for my new book, which by the way is for sale so please buy it.

TRUE FACT: Several thousand times, I've had the following experience. A person will say to me: "Where can I buy your books?" This always strikes me as an odd question, but I try not to betray this in my facial expression as I answer: "In a bookstore." The person often seems surprised to learn this, as if he or she is thinking: "Huh! So THAT's what goes on in bookstores!"

Anyway, because of the book tour I won't be blogging 24 tonight or next week. So I will be counting on you folks to keep track of things down in the comments section. And of course we will all rely on The Amazing Steve to explain the plot to us afterward.

Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

What do you think will happen to President Woman President?
	She will see the error of her ways and become good again.
	She will remain evil.
	She will actually have sex with ex-President Handbag.
	Ew.
	Remember ex-President Handbag's ex-wife Martha? She was hot in a cougarish way.
	I am still pondering the ketchup-refrigeration question from last week.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Waterboard Time. Be here, or be an unfortunate skier.

STEP ONE: SET UP AN INEFFECTIVE PERIMETER AROUND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY

Labour calls in 24 director to revive election campaign

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

WE HAVE THE SAME REACTION WHEN WE THINK ABOUT ALL THE HOURS WE FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET

Kiefer Sutherland fought back tears as he wrapped hit show 24 - because leaving the series after nine years was "much more difficult" than he anticipated.

(Thanks to Reggie Robinson)

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack, devastated about Renee getting sniped out of the plot, is trying to work through his feelings of grief and loss by whacking the Russians who whacked her. But President Woman President ordered Jack to be locked down because she needs the Russians for the all-important Peace Procezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry!  Anyway, as you would imagine, Jack did not respond well to being locked down. He stole a convenient helicopter and is now on his way toward the UN, thereby forcing Chloe, who is in charge of CTU, to order the Air Force to force him down. We frankly feel sorry for the Air Force.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments section after the show as the Amazing Steve attempts to unravel the plot, which is no mean feat, as can be seen in this photograph of Steve holding the actual plot.

Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Is it necessary to refrigerate ketchup?
	No.
	Absolutely not.
	You notice they don't refrigerate ketchup in restaurants. It sits out on the tables for DAYS.
	That way, you're not wrecking your nice hot hamburger by pouring this cold glop onto it.
	Our guess is, the concept of refrigerating ketchup was invented by lawyers.
	The same is true of mustard.
	Mayonnaise is a different story.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Also, Mr. Bauer, you must return your seat to the upright and locked po sition.

UPDATE: Wait, that was the WHOLE HELICOPTER SEQUENCE? Lame-O-Rama.

UPDATE: Ethan sure recovered quickly from a serious heart attack.

UPDATE: Physical coercion! No!

UPDATE: "Pull out now." Heheheh.

UPDATE: Who is the Vegas-looking guy? We know him from before, right?

UPDATE: "An assortment of assault rifles." Yes, that's definitely how the "pros" order assault rifles.

UPDATE: "We do this right, we take Jack by surprise." Right!

UPDATE: I hate the Peace Agreement. I miss the Lethal Atomic Rods o' Doom.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: CTU: We're even less competent than you thought.

UPDATE: That Freddie Prinze Jr. sure can emote.

UPDATE: These men have some jowls.

UPDATE: It's a jowl-off.

UPDATE: OK,so at the beginning of this episode, Jack was trying to locate Dana Walsh, and at the end, Jack was still trying to locate Dana Walsh. In other words: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

UPDATE: Next week: Waterboarding! Dana gets loose! Take, it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Lockdown Time. Be on this site, or be an amusingly shaped kite.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack and Renee finally had sex, and it was a truly romantic and beautiful thing, except for the sniper. A lesson that we all, as Americans, should take away from this tragic episode is: close the blinds.

So now Renee has gone to that Big Wrap Party in the Sky, and Jack is really ticked off at the Russians. President Woman President is also unhappy with the Russians, because they're trying to sabotage the All Important Peace Procezzzzzz

Sorry! We tend to nod off whenever we think about the A.I.P.P. We wish everybody would just shut up about it so we can get on with the part where Jack works through his grief by shooting or stabbing or barehandedly removing the larynxes of as many Russians as humanly possible.

In other developments, Chloe is now in charge of CTU. We think this is great. We wish Chloe were in charge of the whole federal government and routinely tasered it in the butt.

Edgar is still dead.

Tragically, I will not be able to join you tonight, as I am on the road with the World Famous In Some Circles Rock Bottom Remainders, as we prepare for our big international tour of four U.S. cities. We'll be raising money for good causes, so if you can make it to one of the shows, please do. We promise that there will be great music, by which we mean alcohol.

Speaking of great, The Amazing Steve will be discussing the plot in the comments section following tonight's show. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll.

Are you sad that Renee got sniped?
	Yes, because Renee was hot AND psychotic.
	No, because now Jack is motivated to engage in acts of mass carnage.
	I was hoping that the sniper would be a really bad shot and hit Audrey.
	The Yankees SUCK.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

YES

24's Annie Wersching: Renee's Death Will Make Jack Spiral Out of Control

(Thanks to funnyman, who asks, "How will we tell?")

Update: Apparently it has already started.

(Thanks to Trent and bonmot)

24

Here is where we stand:

We honestly have no idea. Last week the plot collapsed like a lawn chair under a Harley owner. Consider:

-- We no longer have to worry about the dirty bomb made from the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom, because the terrorists traded it for President Sham.

-- We no longer have to worry about President Sham, because the terrorists sentenced him to Death by Webcast.

-- And we no longer have to worry about Agent Dana Walsh, because CTU finally figured out that she's a mole, possibly because she devoted her entire working day to killing people and making phone calls to terrorists.

-- Finally, we don't have to worry about Edgar, because he is still dead.

So as far as we can tell, the only thing left to worry about is the Peace Process, which is a big deal to President Woman President, but which we frankly do not care about. We prefer the Violence Process, wherein Jack Bauer, having overcome numerous fatal wounds, engages hostiles by shooting them and/or impaling them with screwdrivers.

The question is, which hostiles are next on the agenda? We're thinking it's the Russians, who popped up briefly last week. Also disgraced former President Handbag Logan apparently is going to make an appearance this week, although we have no idea why. Maybe tonight's episode will clear things up. Although we doubt it. Be sure to stick around in the comments afterward for keen observations by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Where do you think the plot will go next?
	The Russians will be the hostiles.
	I hope they bring back Marwan. He was a GREAT hostile.
	If they bring back the Chinese subplot, I will kill myself.
	Maybe New York will be attacked by that really, really slow missile from several seasons ago.
	WHAT plot?
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Is there ANYBODY who's not working for the terrorists?

UPDATE: Never trust a bald Russian.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: "What is it that you wish to talk to me about?" Who writes this stuff?

UPDATE: This here is some Mel O'Drama.

UPDATE: So... President Sham's widow can just decide she's running the country now? Democracy!

UPDATE: CHLOE IS IN CHARGE!! GET OUT THE TASERS, BABY!!!

UPDATE: They are so high over the shark now that they can't even SEE the shark.

UPDATE: Does Hastings know he still has that idiot Bluetooth thing in his ear?

UPDATE: I can't believe Jack was able to execute a kiss without first downloading the schematics.

UPDATE: Jack apparently is not suffering too much from his stab and bullet wounds.

UPDATE: Was that SEX???

UPDATE: OK, can ANYBODY explain why we care so much about the Peace Process? No? I didn't think so.

UPDATE: I think they should go back to the Sex Process.

UPDATE: "...what an honor it has been to serve with each and every one of you. Even the 17 of you who are moles."

UPDATE: Get the jumper cables!

UPDATE: They need a bigger table.

UPDATE: Hey, if you can't trust a lying criminal scumball who won't tell you what he plans to do, who can you trust?

UPDATE: Jack and Renee shot each other several times in intimate places.

UPDATE: I've had NYC cab drivers like that.

UPDATE: Aw.

UPDATE: It seems like only yesterday that Renee was young and vibrant and cutting off that guy's thumb.

UPDATE: Jack vs. Dana. Hot. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

PARENTAL ADVISORY ON TONIGHT'S 24

Jack will engage in a display of affection.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Handbag Time. Be on this blog, or be a really surprised dog.

24

Here is where we stand:

Despite the ongoing efforts of CTU, the terrorists managed to get the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan and convert them into a dirty bomb at an all-night nuclear-rod-conversion shop. The terrorists told President Woman President that they would set off the bomb unless she turned over Generic Islamic Republic President Sham, whose hairdo has been gaining altitude with each passing hour and is now the height of Tom Cruise.

When the president refused to accede to the terrorists' demands, Generic Military General Brucker secretly ordered a team of commandos to kidnap President Sham anyway. But Jack and Renee defeated the commandos, who were terrible shots, possibly because they were wearing ski masks.

So now the terrorists have activated the timer, which means that unless Jack stops it, in 15 minutes the dirty bomb will go off in the Upper West Side, seriously depressing the condo market.

In subplot action:

• Agent Dana Walsh is about to be exposed as a mole, which is not surprising inasmuch as she has basically been walking around CTU headquarters with a giant sign that says "I'M THE MOLE, YOU MORONS."
• The Duke University Arrogant Wingtipped Demons square off tonight for the NCAA men's basketball championship against Butler, a plucky underdog team of scrappy youngsters from a university located in Indiana or possibly Iowa.
• Edgar is still dead.

We will attempt to monitor both 24 and the Duke-Butler game tonight, so our analysis may be even less coherent than usual. Stay tuned in the comments afterward to find out what comes out of the brain of The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think the bomb will go off?
	No.
	Yes, but at the last second Jack will swallow it, so it will detonate harmlessly inside him.
	This is not technically relevant, but: anybody not rooting for Butler is heartless scum.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: This here is some tension.

UPDATE: Of course now they can use the dirty-bomb-countdown timer again.

UPDATE: Have you watched "Glee"? Well, you should.

UPDATE: "No one here knows that." There you have CTU in a nutshell.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if just once Jack tried to lighten things up with, I don't know, a fart joke?

UPDATE: Jack is pretty much treating the POTUS as a low-level subordinate. Which of course she is, to Jack.

UPDATE: Bishop is not the brightest bulb on the black-ops tree.

UPDATE: Hastings makes the WORST speeches.

UPDATE: Chloe is not ABOUT to let Dana reroute the servers.

UPDATE: Seriously, how long does it take for CTU and the NYPD to get to a car when they know exactly where it is?

UPDATE: I would not let Agent Walsh anywhere NEAR the trunk line.

UPDATE: Agent Walsh is the Freddy Krueger of CTU.

UPDATE: A LEFT TURN! THOSE SNEAKY TERRORIST BASTARDS!!

UPDATE: Maybe it was a Toyota.

UPDATE: The old President Sham Switcheroo.

UPDATE: A PRIUS! THOSE BASTARDS!!!

UPDATE: How many times per episode does President Woman President say "I don't understand"?

UPDATE: Once again we are reminded: There is no place on earth less secure from terrorism than the Counter Terrorism Unit.

UPDATE: "Me? Why?" BECAUSE YOU'RE THE STAR, JACK.

UPDATE: This only turns Dana on.

UPDATE: If Jack punches Dana, Renee will be SO jealous.

UPDATE: Is that Debbie Harry schlepping President Sham around?

UPDATE: I can't believe they named a fake country "IRK."

UPDATE: A FLU SHOT! THOSE BASTARDS!!!

UPDATE: Butler 4, Wingtipped Demons 6.

UPDATE: Butler 9, WD 10.

BUTLERDATE: Up by 1!

UPDATE: The president also assures people several times per episode that We Are Doing Everything We Can.

UPDATE: OK, for the record: for like the sixth time this season, CTU knows EXACTLY where the terrorists are.

UPDATE: Hoosiers 20, WD 18.

UPDATE:When Jack says get down, you need to get the hell DOWN.

UPDATE: "Call CTU. I want to know what the HELL went wrong." Has this woman never watched this show?

UPDATE: Next week: The old president! Whatshisname!

UPDATE: OK, I am confused. We have the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom, right? And President Sham is dead, and Agent Dana Walsh has been exposed. So.... what exactly is the plot about now? Maybe the Amazing Steve can clear everything up.

UPDATE: Butler 27, WD 28.

UPDATE: President Handbag. Thank you.

ADVISORY

Tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern NCAA Basketball Conflict Time: a special two-hour show. Be here, or be a steer with a thing in its ear.

24

Here is where we stand:

The terrorists are transporting the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan aboard an inflatable boat. Jack tried to stop them by engaging in a gunfight, during which more shots were fired than in all of World War II; unfortunately the police never showed up to help because this battle took place in a remote, deserted, desolate and uninhabited part of New York City, namely, Brooklyn. During the fight Jack got shot and now has a collapsed lung, which for a human would be serious but for Jack is the medical equivalent of dandruff.

Meanwhile at CTU headquarters:

-- Chloe, after pulling a gun on a generic 24 moron authority figure, tapped into the trunk line and got CTU back into operation, thus enabling the crack CTU team to resume the vital work of not having a clue what is going on.

-- Agent Dana Walsh strangled probation officer Bill Prady and phoned the terrorists, thus establishing that she is either a mole or even dumber than she previously seemed.

-- Edgar is still dead.

At this point you are asking yourself: Why is this night different from all other nights? The answer is: It's Passover, which means here in the Barry household we are hosting a traditional Jewish-Prebyterian seder, which means I might be joining you late, or (depending on the level of strictly religious wine consumption) not at all. But I'm sure you'll all supply your usual shrewd analysis in the comments section. Be sure to stay tuned after the show for the recap by The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think Jack will be hampered by his collapsed lung?
	Don't be an idiot.
	Jack has four more lungs.
	Jack can go for two weeks without oxygen.
	Jack can breathe through his feet.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE:OK! I'm here! Did I miss anything?

NO PERIMETER CAN HOLD IT

The Jack Bauer Terrier

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

A NATION MOURNS

It's official: There will be no 24 next year. This is bad for the economy, as literally thousands of moles will be unemployed.

(Thanks to many people)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week CTU headquarters was blown up by a bomb hidden in a car driven by Generic Islamic Republic President Sham's daughter Kayla, who was guided straight from the terrorist hideout to the CTU entrance tunnel by the crack CTU team. That's right: The agency responsible for protecting the nation from terrorism, through its own cluelessness, managed to get itself incapacitated by a terrorist bomb.

So now, with CTU even more dysfunctional than usual, there is nobody to stop the terrorists from bringing the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan except our boy Jack Bauer, who has fully recovered from being stabbed in the stomach by his girlfriend Renee three hours ago and is now, we hope, going to swing into action, by which we mean something more than shouting into the phone.

Speaking of the terrorists: Kayla's boyfriend Tarin is apparently still one of them, since he set Kayla up to be disintegrated, although she managed to get out of the car just in time, so maybe they will still have Feelings for each other.

In subplot action:

Bill Prady, the world's most diligent parole officer, is hanging around asking Dana pesky questions about her ex-boyfriend Kevin. We have no idea where this subplot is going, but it refuses to go away, so we're starting to wonder if maybe Agent Walsh is a mole, seeing as how CTU is required by law to always have one on the payroll.

Edgar is still dead.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments section after the show for the traditional impossibly quick analysis by The Amazing Steve, who we suspect is using time travel. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think Dana is a mole?
	No.
	Yes, but you can't see it unless she removes her... Oh, IS a mole. Yes.
	If they use the mole plot twist one more time, I am going to shoot the writers in the head.
	Not that this would cause them to suffer any serious damage.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: The terrorists set off a Dramatically Sparking Wires Bomb.

UPDATE: "Agent Skaggs?"

UPDATE: Phil can shut down all bridge and tunnel traffic into the city. Phil has that power.

UPDATE: Those terrorists are some BAD shots.

UPDATE: I love when they tell where the bad guys are using the o'clock system.

UPDATE: That guy is SO clearly fake that only a moron, or Hastings, would believe him.

UPDATE: Unless I am wrong.

UPDATE: This here is some really bad acting.

UPDATE: Check out Jack's tasteful bachelor apartment!

UPDATE: YES! CHLOE!

UPDATE: The lesson: Never get between a woman and her trunk line.

UPDATE: Meanwhile, Jack and the terrorists are setting a world record for Most Missed Shots.

UPDATE: It's a good thing everybody thought to bring along 67 million bullets.

UPDATE: Chloe has taken precautions.

UPDATE: Hastings does not appear surprised that a probation officer from Arkansas would appear at CTU headquarters at 5 a.m. during a terrorist attack.

UPDATE: Jack is hit! But it's only a bullet wound. He will be fine. This is the shootingest episode EVER. But it does lead one to ask how come Renee could find Jack in, what, 11 minutes, while CTU had to wait for Chloe to get into the trunk line.

UPDATE: Agent Walsh is definitely not following normal agent procedures.

UPDATE: Well knock us down with a feather. Agent Walsh IS a mole.

UPDATE: Next week: Jack is fine! And of course more shooting. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week, while Marcos was trying to activate the World's Safest Suicide Vest, Jack persuaded him to talk by threatening to turn his mom into a human Hot Pocket. Shortly before being concerted to small terrorist particles Marcos revealed that President Sham's daughter Kayla's boyfriend Tarin is in on the plot to bring the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan. CTU knows what hotel Tarin and Kayla are in and has ordered a perimeter to be set up around it, so we can safely assume that Tarin will escape.

Meanwhile:

The Kevin subplot, which we thought was dead and buried in the swamp, has reappeared in the form of Kevin's parole agent, who called Agent Dana Walsh and said he wants to talk to her, which she agreed to do because otherwise she would have to go back to her actual job of countering terrorism, which she has spent perhaps three minutes on since the season began.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments after the show to watch The Amazing Steve somehow make sense of what happened. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

What would happen if CTU set up a perimeter around the Washington Monument?
	The monument would be gone in 45 seconds.
	But then Chloe would locate it by typing really fast.
	But then CTU would lose it again because it would follow a decoy monument.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE:A Twist That Will Change Everything!

UPDATE: They're talking about getting to a hotel in midtown Manhattan as if it's Madagascar.

UPDATE: A really shrewd woman would sit on the toilet at this point, and Tarin would be HELPLESS.

UPDATE: They should have some kind of ceremony to observe the 5,000th failed "24" perimeter.

UPDATE: Jack needs a Kidnap and an Electronic Intercept Package. As do we all, from time to time.

UPDATE: Wait... now we need FOUR Gs? I don't even know what "G" is, and now I need FOUR.

UPDATE: I think agent Walsh should just shoot this guy in the head and end this subplot NOW.

UPDATE: Agent Walsh is thinking: Oh what a tangled web we weave, etc. Assuming she is capable of thought.

UPDATE: Why the blindfold? Seriously. Why?

UPDATE: This is a total violation of the Consumer Product Safety Code for plastic bags.

UPDATE: Hastings, with one second of examination, is able to identify the contents of File 33.

UPDATE: I personally cannot wait for the Twist That Will Change Everything!

UPDATE: This is the World's Most Diligent Probation Officer.

UPDATE: "I need you to keep your head in this." Heheheheh.

UPDATE: You go, Kayla.

UPDATE: Not to be nitpicky, but this episode has so far involved very little of Jack doing anything except talk excitedly into the phone.

UPDATE: Chloe immediately found the abandoned bank vault. Of course.

UPDATE: "Dammit we're blind." The Plot Twist! They took out CTU! Which actually doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

ADVISORY

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Nighttime Time. Be here, or be a person wearing a Santa outfit who has perhaps consumed too much beer.

TRY TO IMAGINE...

...a world without perimeters.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

24

Here is where we stand:

I missed last week, but from what I gather President Sham's evil brother Farhad was killed at least twice and is now completely dead, as far as we know. He was killed the second time by a terrorist named Marcos, who has locked himself into a room at a hospital, where he intends to detonate his vest bomb before Jack can use his reasoning skills to persuade him to reveal the location of the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom.

Meanwhile in subplot action:

-- Crack CTU anti-terrorism agents Dana Walsh and Freddie Prinze Jr. were unavailable for countering terrorism last week because they were busy sinking the bodies of Kevin and Nick in one of New York City's many vast trackless swamps. It is not clear whether the two agents will remain An Item. It is clear that this subplot is challenging Audrey for the title of Worst Subplot Ever.

-- President Sham's daughter Kayla is doing It with Tarin.

-- Edgar is still dead.

I intend to watch tonight, but because of being up late last night and traveling back to Miami today and generally not sleeping I have essentially the same level of brain function as a turnip. So my comments, if any, will be even more random than usual. But as always we'll all be relying on The Amazing Steve to explain the plot in the comments after the show.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

Should agents Prinze and Walsh get back together?
	No.
	Yes, but not on this show.
	Yes, but only if it involves Agent Walsh taking a shower.
	I don't care. What I want to know is: Why is Chloe dressed as a cocktail waitress?
	Speaking of which: Remember when Chloe tasered the guy in the bar? That was the BEST.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Don't you HATE it when you want to talk to somebody about your relationship, and they're all, "Not NOW! We're in the middle of a radiological threat!"?

UPDATE: Hastings is one to talk about salvaging careers.

UPDATE: Wait... don't the rods kill you when you get exposed to them? I am SO confused.

UPDATE: "Son, if you don't let us treat that bloody nose, you could bleed to death before you get a chance to blow yourself to pieces."

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: You'd think suicide vests would be designed to make it less difficult to, you know, commit suicide.

UPDATE: THE KEVIN SUBPLOT WILL NEVER DIE.

UPDATE: Do we think they're going to milk the vest for an entire episode? Do we think "milk the vest" sounds obscene?

UPDATE: Whoa. Jack. Playing the Mom Card.

UPDATE: Jack knows the circuit pattern!

UPDATE: OK, he didn't know it all that well.

UPDATE: WHEN will they stop setting up perimeters? WHEN???

UPDATE: OK, this episode was about a 9.9 on the Lame-O-Meter.

NEXT WEEK: Incredibly, the perimeter apparently did not work.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Generic Islamic Republic President Sham's treacherous brother Farhad delivered the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom (LARDs) to a guy named Ali, who told Farhad that he plans to turn them into a dirty bomb. Farhad pretended to be all for this but then fled into the dense jungle wilderness of Queens, where – displaying a complete disregard for his own safety -- he called CTU to come rescue him.

Meanwhile a Justice Department lawyer named Miss Smith, acting on the orders of mandatory White House scumweasel character Rob Weiss, tried to get Renee to take the fall for CTU's continuing inability to successfully execute any operation more complex than adjusting the thermostat. This displeased Jack, who tried to free Renee by calmly reasoning with Miss Smith while pinning her to the wall by her neck. But then Jack got tasered and, for the 2,038th time, taken into CTU custody. He got himself and Renee released by agreeing to head the effort to locate Farhad and the LARDs, which would be a good name for a rock band.

In subplot action:

Highly qualified but increasingly annoying Agent Dana Walsh went to another remote forest location in New York to shoot her ex-boyfriend Kevin in his trailer, but was prevented from doing so by Agent Freddie Prinze Jr., who intended to take her away but wound up shooting Kevin's sidekick Nick to death after Nick stabbed Kevin in the stomach (not fatally, unfortunately) which caused Dana to indicate that she still Has Feelings for Nick by cradling him in her arms, no doubt causing Agent Prinze to consider shooting her, which at this point would probably not overly distress the viewing audience.

Neither President Woman President nor President Sham showed up in last week's episode. We don't know what they're doing, and we don't want to know

Edgar is still dead.

Be advised that I'm meeting Mrs. Blog's flight tonight and will not be joining you. But you have each other, down there in the comments section, and of course The Amazing Steve will be on hand at the conclusion to weave his special magic.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

What the heck ARE President Woman President and President Sham doing?
	Firing their agents.
	She's showing him the secret underwater frogperson entrance to the White House.
	It.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack, after being tortured via jumper cables and the Thumb of Pain, singlehandedly killed approximately six dozen Russian mobsters and captured Bazhaev, the Russian mobster-in-chief, who chased Jack around a smallish dining room firing approximately two million rounds, all of which fortunately missed. Jack finally took him down using Table Fu.

Bazhaev revealed the location of the truck containing the Nuclear Death Rods of Lethal Atomic Doom, but when CTU agent Freddie Prinze Jr. got to the truck, it contained, in a shocking plot twist…

…Jimmy Hoffa.

No, seriously, it contained two more deceased Russian mobsters, who were whacked by Bazhaev's son Josef, who has stolen the Atomic Doom rods. He is angry because (a) Bazhaev shot his brother, Oleg, and (b) he is the only Russian mobster without an accent. His plan is to sell the rods to Generic Islamic Republic President Sham's evil brother, Farhad, who is angry because his name is "Farhad."

Meanwhile in subplot action:

CTU chief Hastings has ordered a full psychiatric evaluation of Renee.

Highly qualified Agent Dana Walsh has apparently decided to whack her pesky ex-boyfriend Kevin.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments section afterward for an informative wrapup by The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here is a poll:

Given that the nuclear rods are in large radioactive crates that must be transported by truck, and are in the same city as CTU, will CTU find them?
	Yes.
	Only if the truck crashes into CTU headquarters bearing a sign that says "NUCLEAR RODS."
	And even then they might not notice, what with the various subplots.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Hey, he punched House.

UPDATE: So.... couldn't they maybe alert the actual NYC police? Who would be in Queens already? Nah.

UPDATE: You did nothing wrong, Renee, stabbing that guy 387 times and then stabbing me in the stomach.

UPDATE: OK, I know I have asked this before, but why do they keep calling their phones "PDAs," as though they're carrying 1997 Palm Pilots? Is it some sponsor thing? Congress needs to look into this.

UPDATE: Maybe Renee will stab Miss Smith.

UPDATE: "The Americans are not stupid, Farhad." Clearly he has never watched this show.

UPDATE: I think Farhad is toast.

UPDATE: They're gonna put the rods into a Toyota.

UPDATE: Jack spends roughly half of his life getting into and out of CTU custody.

UPDATE: Farhad is a wiry li'l rascal.

UPDATE: "Give us the room."

UPDATE: "I thought YOU had the rods." That, in a nutshell, is CTU.

UPDATE: How many employees does CTU have this season? Eight?

UPDATE: The van is rockin'!

UPDATE: Are they in some kind of jungle? In Queens?

UPDATE: "I want you in. With both feet." Kinky.

UPDATE: OK, Freddie Prinze Jr., just now noticed that she was holding a gun?

UPDATE: Are we supposed to feel bad about Kevin?

UPDATE: Take it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Russian Mobster Time. Be on this blog, or be a mouse-bearing frog.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Renee, who is working through some issues, used a handy knife to express her displeasure with Vladimir. Renee got a little carried away and also stabbed Jack in the stomach, but she didn't mean it personally, and of course Jack is not the kind of man to be slowed down by a mere stab wound or fatal bioweapon illness or decapitation. He recovered in time to fling the knife into the throat of one Russian mobster and shoot the others, thus leaving the show temporarily Russian-mobsterless. Fortunately it turns out that 35 percent of the greater New York City population consists of Russian mobsters, so a new batch showed up almost immediately and took Jack, who is still posing as a buyer for the Deadly Nuclear Rods of Lethal Atomic Doom, which are currently in a nondescript truck on the side of a highway. The CTU was supposed to track Jack, but of course the CTU has proven over the years that it could not track an elephant through a sandbox, so it has no earthly idea where Jack is.

Meanwhile in subplot action:

Highly qualified agent Dana Walsh's moron ex-boyfriend Kevin and his moron sidekick Nick managed to – Surprise! – screw up their heist, and now agent Walsh is in serious trouble, which may require her to (we're just tossing this idea out in case the show writers are reading this) take a shower or something.

President Woman President and Generic Islamic Republic President Sham continue to emit lines of dialogue.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments after tonight's episode, when The Amazing Steve will make everything clear. Meanwhile, here's a poll:

How many CTU employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
	It takes 116: One to hold the bulb, and 115 to form a perimeter.
	But the bulb would manage to escape anyway.
	But then Jack would find it and cause it to light just by shouting "DAMMIT" at it.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: They trashed Jack's cellphone? Those BASTARDS.

UPDATE: Why was the Russian mobster chief cutting carrots?

UPDATE: I bet they're violating the warranty on that thing.

UPDATE: This is SOLID wood dialogue.

UPDATE: Ooooh. Agent Walsh knows what she needs to do. If you catch her drift.

UPDATE: The old thumb-in-the-wound.

UPDATE: He had better be using Purell.

UPDATE: The old use-your-feet-to-electrocute-his-heart.

UPDATE: President Sham uses a very powerful hair product.

UPDATE: Jack got another phone! NOW they're in trouble.

UPDATE: In short order there will be no Russians left on the entire East Coast.

UPDATE: Sigh. Yet another perimeter.

UPDATE: Somebody is going to have to pay for that glassware.

UPDATE: "She had to manually reboot the firmware." Heheheheh.

UPDATE: Every season I think they can't possibly come up with a more-clueless jackass to run CTU than the previous one, and every season they prove me wrong.

UPDATE: I think Jack needs to haul out the jumper cables.

UPDATE: The Daughter Sham subplot zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: A big CTU operation coming up... nothing can go wrong!

UPDATE: I'm thinking the rods are now in the possession of Anthony Soprano.

UPDATE: Oooh! Plot twist!

UPDATE:  Next week: Renee gets framed; Dana goes Kevin-hunting.

UPDATE: Take it, The Amazing Steve.