Here is where we stand:
Four years after killing (he had NO CHOICE, DAMMIT) approximately two-thirds of the population of North America, Jack Bauer is a rogue fugitive on the run in London, which is about to be visited by United States President William Devane, who is the target of an assassination plot and is also the father of Audrey, who we assume has pictures of the writers naked with an underage sheep, because there is no other explanation for why she keeps showing up in the plot.
Chloe, who has also gone rogue, is working for some kind of outlaw hacker group.
We don't know this for a fact, but we assume some evil villains are planning to perpetrate some kind of horrendous horror.
Edgar is still dead.
We'll be updating this post during the show as developments develop. After tonight's two-hour episode ends, The Amazing Steve will recap the plot in the comments; he says he'll have a post on the first hour right after the show, and a post on the second hour a little later.
UPDATE: Jack is now an African American! No, wait, that's somebody else.
UPDATE: All the women in the CIA are really hot.
UPDATE: Aparently they are very strict about homelessness in London.
UPDATE: The hoodie!
UPDATE: Beware the Hoodie of Doom.
UPDATE: They now have Jack in captivity, which is EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTS THEM.
UPDATE: President William Devane is uncomfortable with the drones.
UPDATE: We of course already distrust this smarmy douchebag.
UPDATE: "He's up to something." Ha.
UPDATE: Jack Bauer is also currently doing the samba on Dancing With The Stars.
UPDATE: The hot blonde is already in love with Jack, and WHO CAN BLAME HER?
UPDATE: Jack is like, "Oh no! Please don't put me in handcuffs!"
UPDATE: OK, I am already lost with this Kate-and-Adam subplot.
UPDATE: "Special activities" sounds like they're going to make lanyards.
UPDATE: Jack has no lines in this. His bare chest does the talking.
UPDATE: They're doing Special Activities on Chloe!
UPDATE: Jack won the samba. There are a lot of wounded.
UPDATE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO she's back, and of course she's married to the smarmy douchebag.
UPDATE: "Jack. Can I call you Jack?" Seriously? Somebody wrote that?
UPDATE: That was a major Glance Exchange, between Jack and the H.B.
UPDATE: Kate went rogue!
UPDATE: Nobody on this show EVER believes the obviously correct underling.
UPDATE: How did they get Jack's shirt back on, with the handcuffs?
UPDATE: WHOA! KATE!
UPDATE: "You were really something Bauer, back in the day." THIS IS THE DAY, BUDDY.
UPDATE: He speaks!
UPDATE: "Nothing you haven't done." A low blow. Followed by a low blow.
UPDATE: Wasn't that in Pulp Fiction?
UPDATE: Jack didn't kill ANYBODY. He's getting soft.
UPDATE: Jack shot at Kate! It's like foreplay.
UPDATE: She can't say DROP YOUR WEAPON! That's what Jack says!
UPDATE: Always good to have a colleague nearby with an air-to-ground missile.
UPDATE: We're at war with the British?
UPDATE: The chief of staff is up his ass?
UPDATE: Chloe has several new chins.
UPDATE: "I don't have any friends." Aw, Jack. You need to stop killing them.
UPDATE: Drone subplot! Do we know the guy who said "It's done"?
UPDATE: Do we think they're going to start the second hour by recapping the first hour?
UPDATE: We BET you have your own procedures.
UPDATE: Kate has a man on the outside.
UPDATE: Chloe is living in Graffiti Kingdom with a creep.
UPDATE: "That's impossible." "Not for him."
UPDATE: Jack is not going to ask a third time.
UPDATE: "We're doing lots of backtracing, we may need some piggyback servers." We love it when Chloe talks dirty.
UPDATE: That woman has very dark roots.
UPDATE: It's the Drone Control Gang! And they're on shed-yule!
UPDATE: The Drone Control Gang has... a device!
UPDATE: The prime minister's jaw is the size of Montana.
UPDATE: Seriously, cattle could graze on that thing.
UPDATE: The Wooden Dialogue Generator is cranking away here.
UPDATE: Chloe can sulk and type at the same time.
UPDATE: Jack and Chloe, working together again. Aw.
UPDATE: Why are they wearing their overcoats indoors?
UPDATE: It's all gonna go down in West Ealing.
UPDATE: Military justice moves VERY fast.
UPDATE: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz Let's go to West Ealing.
UPDATE: Can Chloe cut off that camera? Does a bear poop in the woods?
UPDATE: Is this Jack's first hanging?
UPDATE: "No offense, Mick."
UPDATE: Those guys were seriously outnumbered by Jack.
UPDATE: Jack, once again, gets shot by our side, which lets the real bad guy go. Way to go, our side!
UPDATE: It's been several minutes, so Jack has recovered from being shot.
UPDATE: Jack punches Kate. This is LOVE.
UPDATE: SCHEMATICS! A MULTI-CHANNEL OVERRIDE SYSTEM!!
UPDATE: OK, so for now, the plot is about a Device.
UPDATE: Do we think Dark Roots is an agent?
UPDATE: She IS!
UPDATE: "Mummy's waiting."
UPDATE: Next week: More shooting. Take it, The Amazing Steve.
UPDATE THE NEXT DAY: Don't miss The Amazing Steve's recap, which is... I am searching for a word here... amazing. Here's his secret: