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August 16, 2018

ARETHA FRANKLIN

She's gone. But her voice will always be with us. She was the best. 

HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT FROM CASTING VIN DIESEL?

Filmmaker Tony Kaye Casts Robot As Lead Actor In Next Feature

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

HE WILL BE ISSUED MULTIPLE FLORIDA LICENSES

A Spanish driver astounded police this weekend when he was found to be under the influence of every drug officers could check for

(Thanks to Rick Day)

ALONG WITH THE REMOTE CONTROL AND $20.38 WORTH OF LOOSE CHANGE

This Woman Lost Her Contact Lens. Doctors Found It in Her Eyelid 28 Years Later.

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "It's always the last place you look.")

TIME TO GET A NEW HOBBY

A 25-year-old man from southern China ate 87 nails and 7 push pins earlier this month, which resulted in doctors performing a four-hour surgery two days later to extract the metal objects, according to Chinese video platform Mango TV.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

THAT WILL BREAK YOUR STRIDE

Morphet explained how he was running good and had a comfortable lead when he turned a corner and saw two bears, presumably grizzlies judging by their humps.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Deflating mascot mistaken for giant breast in New Chitose Airport, Hokkaido, Japan.

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

APPARENTLY IT WAS URGENT

Naked man breaks into liquor store, only steals one can of Coke

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ALSO TWO COWS WERE ON THE LOOSE

7:28 p.m. Two men named Bob were fighting each other in Kalispell.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and Roberto)

YOU KNOW THIS WILL WIND UP AS REALITY TV

SF forming Poop Patrol to keep sidewalks clean

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

College Students Develop A Shoe-Tying Robot

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES ARE ON THE WAY

These mysterious pink and red blobs have led to widespread speculation about extraterrestrial lifeforms landing in the Scottish Highlands.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

BOLO

Police investigating $100,000 ramen noodle heist in Georgia

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Jane Linderman, Le Petomane, Rick Day, Rob Simbeck, PapaJohnB, John Lobert and Jon Harris)

AS A PRECAUTION, CANADA SHOULD BE EVACUATED

Why Are All These Vaseline Jars Showing Up on a Calgary Street?

(Thanks to Mary Smith)

August 15, 2018

SOUTH FLORIDA POLITICAL ISSUE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Mayor tells commissioner: You make a living off anal bleaching. It’s a #MeToo moment, she says

Actual excerpt from story: Lima-Taub told the Miami Herald that she does not profit from bleaching her own anus.

POOP PAYS

‘Mystery pooper’ will get more than $100K from school district

DOES THIS MEAN 'JERSEY SHORE' WILL COME BACK?

The six extremely high energy bursts of electromagnetic energy, which were identified more than years ago, showed evidence of complex time-reversible wavelike behaviour – in which time itself appears to repeat backwards.

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "And disco can live forever.")

STAND TALL, AMERICA

America's hottest export? Sperm

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NOTE THAT WE ARE NOT MAKING FUN OF THE NAME OF THE JUDGE

Canadian Rectal Smuggler Catches a Break on Appeal

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER THAN AN AVOCADO RUSTLER

Nurseries in New Zealand are struggling to keep up with demand for avocado trees as the country's love of the pulpy fruit has seemingly fuelled a crime wave, it's been reported.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

August 14, 2018

IN MIAMI THIS WOULD HAVE ENDED 15 YEARS AND 364 DAYS AGO

Woman arrested for blasting same opera song for 16 years

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "At least she wasn't playing Manilow.")

POLLY WANT A *WHAT?*

Parrot Stuck on Roof for Three Days Greets Rescuer with a Tirade of Curse Words

(Thanks to Commander McBragg, John Lobert, Jon Harris and Not My Usual Alias, who says "And stay off his roof.")

THIS IS GOING TO HURT 'GAME OF THRONES'

Museum of London displays fatberg on 24-hour livestream

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

NOTHING LOWER THAN A HIPPO-SPANKER

Police investigate video of man spanking hippo at zoo

(Thanks to Alan Dean and Le Petomane, who says "Thankfully, he didn't also spank the monkey.") 

THAT SHOULD TAKE CARE OF THE PROBLEM

The woman, identified as 50-year-old Tamara Phillips Gillespie, had walked outside, "upset over nearby construction noise being made by a paving crew," police said. She "fired one shot into the air and then went back inside her home."

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

HEY, THEY'RE DRESSED FOR IT

Cows allowed to visit Swedish nudist beaches in heatwave

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUT DID SHE HAVE A RECEIPT FOR THEM?

A manager at an office supply store in North Carolina has been fired after a pregnant woman shopping there was confronted about what she was concealing beneath her shirt: “Twins,” she said.

(Thanks to The Perts)

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO CONFESS

Nun busted for smuggling cocaine in high heels

(Thanks to Jane Linderman, Le Petomane and Rob Simbeck)

'IT'S NO DIFFERENT THAN BUYING A CAR'

‘Bunny’ man has spent $12K on his obsession

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

'FREE' IS NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH MONEY

Wanted: ‘Cat whisperer’ to live for free on a Greek island with 55 cats

(Thanks to The Perts)

CANADA: AUSTRALIA OF THE NORTH

Ottawa residents fearful after boa constrictor goes missing

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHERE THE HELL IS THE UNITED NATIONS?

Germany Is Rapidly Running Out Of Beer Bottles

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Monique)

August 13, 2018

WHAT'S THAT SMELL WAFTING ACROSS THE ATLANTIC?

In Paris, eco-friendly cubist urinals spark sniggers and seething

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

ONE WAY TO GET PAST THE BOUNCER

Pickup truck rams into Atlanta gentlemen’s club, police say 

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

SENIOR HOBBY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Grandfather Chen San-yuan has rigged 11 smart phones on his bicycle to play the augmented reality game, Pokemon Go.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THE SQUIRRELS WILL FENCE IT

Video shows tiny ant walking off with large diamond at jewelry shop

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER OPEN THE HOOD

Massachusetts police capture 'jaw-dropping' boa constrictor from under car hood

(Thanks to Joh Lobert)

FLORIDA PONDERS A BAN ON PLAY-DOH

Polk County Sheriff's officials say Jose Rivera spent about $6,200 buying 69 hard drives from 16 different Targets in several central Florida counties in January. Authorities say Rainer Bentulan then returned the boxes with lumps of child's clay that had a similar weight to the hard drives.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

YOU KNOW WHO GAVE THE ORDER

Tourists end up in river after being dive-bombed by flock of angry geese

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THEY SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE NARWHAL

Women on inflatable rainbow unicorn rescued from Minnesota lake

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Kim Michel, Peter Metrinko, Al Barkafski, Gary Schroeder and Greg Snow)

WE WANT TO BE A PART OF IT, NEW YORK, NEW YORK!

Female cab driver loses cool, attacks couple, rams their car with two kids in the back seat

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and manual tomato)

SEND THESE MEN TO WASHINGTON. ALSO THE MONKEYS.

Men disguised as langurs to scare away monkeys around Parliament

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE SURE HE'D HAVE BEEN FINE OUT THERE

Fan Escorted Out After Putting on Pads, Trying to Practice with Steelers

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Allen at Division, who says "he performed better than most of the Pittsburgh draft picks.")

August 11, 2018

ALERT LEVEL: MAXIMUM

France and Belgium lock horns over who invented 'French' fries

(Thanks to Ralph)

TENSION MOUNTS IN CANADA

Goat dispute elevated to the legal realm

(Thanks to The Perts)

Newspaper Name We Are Not Making Fun Of: "Sackville Tribune-Post"

THINK OF THE LABOR SAVED

A Robot Developed To Find Waldo In Where's Waldo Books

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AS OPPOSED TO SHAKING IT PASSIVELY

Football coach who shook penis aggressively at opposition is banned from matches

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID ETC.

'Alien' with thousands of thrashing tentacles and NO FACE found washed up on beach

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Fried in butter and served with kale it could be a meal to remember.")

August 10, 2018

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Randy couple caught bending over supermarket conveyor belt before attempting sex act

(Thanks to John Lobert)

DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THE CUTENESS

Police in Germany rescue man being chased by baby squirrel

(Thanks to r)

 
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