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May 24, 2018

WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO, DUDE?

Security troops on US nuclear missile base took LSD

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

MEANWHILE IN THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE

Video shows road rage suspect hitting man with sledgehammer

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

NO

Is cow cuddling set to be the next big wellness trend?

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Man smashed Anchorage DMV window because he wasn’t allowed in minutes after closing

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

AN ALTERNATIVE TO LIFTING WEIGHTS

A snake catcher has started letting wild cobras bite him once a week, he says, to maintain his strength.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

WHILE THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS HUMAN RIGHTS COUNCIL' DOES NOTHING

Floridians Sue McDonald's Because They Had to Pick the Cheese Off Their Quarter Pounders

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS:

...you don't want to know.

(Thanks to OldPhil)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A PERFECT HEIST

Largo man broke into jewelry store, cut himself on glass and bled all over everything, police say

(Thanks to James Flynn)

May 23, 2018

BULLETIN BULLETION BULLETIN

Froot Loops is adding a new flavor

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

SOMEBODY'S DEFINITELY GOING TO HELL

Authorities say a priest found two people having sex beneath a statue of the Virgin Mary at a Roman Catholic church in New Jersey.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NO DOUBT ON ITS WAY TO FLORIDA

Self-driving car caught on camera running red light

(Thanks to John Lobert)

SO TO SPEAK

The group hoping to crush the Guinness Record for the world’s largest recorded orgy scrambled to find a new place to hold the event after the Las Vegas hotel they planned to host it pulled out.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WAIT, WHAT?

Feds plan to wipe Gorilla Snot on Giant Mine

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAA

Broward Sheriff’s Deputy Stole DVDs, Toys From Walmart While In Uniform: Police

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HARD PASS

Why Cockroach Milk Is the New Health Obsession

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

WHOA

Battle in the sky: Bald eagle and fox

(Thanks to elseabs, who says "Scientists call it ‘kleptoparasitism;’ I call it eating my husband’s leftovers. I. AM. THE. EAGLE.")

HERE'S YOUR FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE DAY

Alabama town terrorized by 'poop train' gets free Febreze samples

(Thanks to elseabs, Bill Carver and Hayseed Tom)

'EVERYTHING MUST GO'

The ‘King of the Commode’ seeks an heir to his thrones

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE PILLOWCASES

Chicken feathers cover I-5 in Federal Way after truck rollover

(Thanks to B'game)

YES, THE BRITS *SOUND* MORE INTELLIGENT THAN WE DO, BUT...

Police believe the two men and two women sparked the blaze while attempting to wake up a friend by burning his feet using a lighter and an aerosol whilst drunk.

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

IT HAD ITS REASONS

The shooting of a man on Riverview Street Northwest took a surprising twist Sunday night when investigators concluded that the “assailant” was his Maytag oven.

(Thanks to Rick Day and Janice Gelb)

INCREDIBLY, NOT AUSTRALIA

3-foot snake slithers out of 'terrified' man's cereal box and into dishwasher

(Thanks to MOTW and Bob Brogan)

May 22, 2018

WE ARE FALLING BEHIND

KFC Malaysia is now selling fried chicken flavour mac and cheese at BREAKFAST

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

'YOU HAVE TO WORK!'

Parents Take 30-Year-Old Son To Court To Evict Him From Their Home

(Thanks to Another Ralph and Jeff Meyerson)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Mustang doing donuts blocks busy Florida bridge

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

FLORIDA SPORTS UPDATE

Woman tried to start paper towel holder on fire in Tropicana Field bathroom

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'FARTS. FARTS ARE OCCURRING.'

Dad on epic school trip to Science Museum shares tale of 'utter carnage'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ALERT LEVEL: HIGHER THAN HIGH

Giant predatory worms invaded France, but scientists just noticed them

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

YOU KNOW THE ZOMBIES ALL HAVE VALID DRIVERS' LICENSES

The alert warned that more than 7,000 customers lost power "due to extreme zombie activity."

(Thanks to Slim Chance, Jon Harris and Hayseed Tom)

REALLY?

Proud mom orders ‘Summa Cum Laude’ cake online. Publix censors it: Summa … Laude.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Bill Hudgins)

IF YOUR DOG WANTS A TREAT, GIVE IT A TREAT

A Ft. Dodge man remained hospitalized Thursday after reportedly being shot by his dog.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

HE LOOKS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH

Florida man climbs atop playground equipment at Clearwater park, tells kids where babies come from

(Thanks to Rick Day, Bill Hudgins and James Flynn)

CANADA: WHERE MEN ARE MEN

When Alexandra's Pizza in Sydney introduced their six-pound donair challenge earlier this year, many thought it was impossible to complete. That is, until Joel Hansen showed up.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHICH SEEMS TO DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF BEING A ROBOT

Robots can now grow human organs

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

SHE ALSO, QUOTE, 'FLUNG A SLUSHY'

Woman threatens McDonald’s workers with gun over wait for fries

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IT WAS ATTEMPTING TO TRANSFER FROM AMERICAN TO UNITED

A Rhesus macaque escaped its crate Monday at the San Antonio Airport

(Thanks to Stan Ruth, Alkali Bill and Laurie Ann)

EXCITING NEW REASON TO USE THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE, WHICH APPARENTLY STILL EXISTS

U.S. Postal Service announces first-ever scratch and sniff stamp with popsicle scent

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ATTENTION, MEN WITH BLADDERS:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

ALWAYS KEEP SOME HANDY

Florida man caught walking around naked with a bottle of cooking oil, deputies say

(Thanks to James Flynn)

'IT FELT THE RIGHT THING TO DO'

Man caught filling hotel bathtub up with potatoes while wearing a bra and high on MDMA

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Ralph, Janice Gelb and Hayseed Tom)

May 21, 2018

TO MIAMI-AREA FOLKS:

Here's an event I'm doing Thursday for a good cause:
 
Join us for comedy and charity at our Red Nose Day celebration! Red Nose Day has been able to raise over 1 billion dollars since 1988 to try to end child poverty worldwide. This May 24th, Villain Theater is partnering with Comic Relief to host Red Nose Day Celebration. The show will feature performances by Villain Theater's two biggest shows "Tales from the Magic City" with special guest Pulitzer Prize-winning American author Dave Barry, and closing out the night we have "Miami Noise Machine: The Improvised Musical" a completely improvised, on-the-spot Broadway show.
 
Red Nose Day USA
 
Doors open at 7:30 PM
 
There will be 2 showings on May 24th - the first one at 8 PM, and the other at 9:45 PM. Tickets for individual time slots can be purchased at: https://www.villaintheater.com/shows/252/2018-05-24
 
Villain Theater is located at 5865 NE 2nd Ave, Miami, FL 33137.
 
We will be selling red noses to fundraise and ticket proceeds will go to Comic Relief USA
DaveBarry

AND IN FINANCIAL NEWS

People are buying bitcoin because of a shift in Uranus

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

AIR TRAVEL: MORE FUN WITH EACH PASSING DAY

Passenger Allegedly Urinates On Seat In Front Of Him On Flight

(Thanks to Kevin Smith, John Lobert and Mitch Seibert) 

AUSTRALIAN POLITICS: NOT UNLIKE AUSTRALIAN WILDLIFE

Man arrested for giving Malcolm Turnbull the finger after the PM 'jumped the queue' at a pub has his $250 fine paid by supporters

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

YOU CAN RELAX NOW

Hitler not alive on the moon, study confirms

(Thanks to Ralph)

'I MANOEUVRE MYSELF IN A TASTEFUL WAY'

A vet's Pink Panther pole dancing routine with her border collie has been banned by the Kennel Club because it 'isn't suitable for a family audience'.

(Thanks to Roberto)

THIS WOULD ALSO EXPLAIN SQUIRRELS

Are octopuses alien? New theory argues Earth was 'seeded' by interstellar genetic code

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Ranald Adams)

LOOKING FOR A SPECIAL GIFT FOR DAD FOR FATHER'S DAY?

This baby won't last long.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

May 20, 2018

AUSTRALIAN WILDLIFE: WILDER THAN YOUR WILDLIFE

'Frantic' mating driving Australian marsupials to extinction

(Thanks to Mary Smith)

CSI: COUNTY DURHAM

Police were called to a swingers club after receiving reports that a child was spotted going inside the adult venue but when they arrived, they discovered it was just a very short woman.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

 
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