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May 17, 2018

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

Two airline passengers are arrested for smuggling TWO KILOS of gold bars in their rectums after Sri Lanka customs officials notice their 'suspicious movements'

(Thanks to Michael Moyer, who says "This is exactly why I have a strict policy of not accepting bullion as payment in my office.")

AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY

Hippos Poop So Much That Sometimes All the Fish Die

(Thanks to Chris Knight)

BUT.... WHY??

Doctor surgically implants heart-shaped platinum jewellery into woman's eyeball in 'pain-free' procedure

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

'Last seen humping any b***h in heat' Scorned wife shames cheating husband in 'lost dog' posters put up across Scottish tourist town

(Thanks to John Finn)

AMAZINGLY, NOT AUSTRALIA

Bar employees yank snake from ceiling fan in front of screaming patrons

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THEY WILL DO ANYTHING FOR ATTENTION

Squirrel rescued from inside toilet at London home

(Thanks to John Mayson)

How a wildlife expert rescued 6 baby squirrels in Elkhorn whose tails were knotted together

(Thanks to J.R. Absher, Al Barkafski, Greg Snow, Elseabs and Richard Houlihan)

THERE IS HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

CUMBERLAND, Wis. (AP) - Police had praise for students who created an illusion for a senior class prank that appeared to show a car had crashed into the principal's office.

It's pretty great.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman, Not My Usual Alias, John Lobert and Fabian Marson)

BOLO

South Carolina sheriff's office responds to calls of kangaroo sighting: 'I thought dispatch was joking'

(Thanks to al Bartkafski)

O CANADA, EW

Seriously, ew.

Semi-NSFW.

Another version here.

(Thanks to B'game, Rick Day, Nelson from Michigan, Al Barkafski, Michael Huber, David Emery and Bill Carver)

TRAFFIC ALERT

Truck spill spreads cookie dough all over North Carolina highway

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "We're gonna need a lot more milk.")

DEPARTMENT OF PEOPLE WITH A LOT OF SPARE TIME

‘Today I saw the tins in the cupboard and I thought “I wonder if them tins have got all of the letters of the alphabet in” so I thought I would find out.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Get that Nobel Prize ready.")

IT'S A TWO-STROKE PENALTY IF YOUR BALL GOES INTO THE CRATER

Golfers gonna golf.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Ralph)

TENSION BUILDS IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

10:09 a.m. A man in Wisconsin accidentally called the 911 dispatcher in Kalispell. He was just as confused about how that happened as the dispatcher was.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

AND IN SPORTS

On Tuesday, the AFA held a course for players, staff and journalists about what to expect when they travel to Russia. Among the materials was a manual entitled Russian Language and Culture, which included a chapter on “What to do to have a chance with a Russian girl”.

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

 
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