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April 23, 2018

LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMBLE

The 2018 European Stone Stacking Championships

(Thanks to The Perts)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Hernando County commissioner arrested on prostitution charges

(Thanks to D. Shey)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

When he first caught the mosquito, he thought it was extraordinarily big. However, he has only recently confirmed it to be the largest mosquito in the world.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

WHERE THE *HELL* IS THE UNITED NATIONS?

Brazilian women's obsession with getting larger 'Kim Kardashian' bottoms is a national crisis... says founder of Miss BumBum contest

(Thanks to Roberto)

WE ARE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO POST THIS

Rotten egg smell surrounds Uranus

(Thanks to everybody on the Internet)

ALEXA, FETCH ME A BEER

Amazon Has a Top-Secret Plan to Build Home Robot

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says “Does NO ONE at Amazon watch movies?”)

WHAT IS YOUR POLICY REGARDING PETS?

In total the house contained 9,888 live radiated tortoises

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

AND IN SPORTS

Suspected streaker arrested at middle school lacrosse game blamed 'bad mushrooms'

(Thanks to funny man)

IF YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL A BEER TRUCK...

...you need to dress for the part.

Screen Shot 2018-04-23 at 6.37.47 AM

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

THEY CAN'T AFFORD MANHATTAN

An exotic species of tick that mysteriously appeared in New Jersey last year is now here to stay.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)\

'INSEKTEN BURGER'

German shoppers sample burgers made of buffalo worms

(Thanks Le Petomane)

NOW YOU KNOW

Humans may have developed flat foreheads to communicate with eyebrows

(Thanks to Jeff Matthews, who says "Why would you want to talk to your eyebrows?")

April 22, 2018

BUT IS IT A DEAD WHALE?

Oregon whale license plates going into production

(Thanks to Ralph, who says "Demand is exploding.")

WE ALWAYS WONDERED THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT DID

THE US government is running a secret military programme to control weather conditions, according to wild claims online.

(Thanks to Steve Pudlo)

April 20, 2018

WE HAVE LONG DREAMED OF THIS DAY

Video toilet displays ads while men pee

(Thanks to John Lobert and James Bostrom, who says "streaming media has gone too far!")

BECAUSE NATURE WASN'T ALREADY SCARY ENOUGH

New species of 'exploding ants' discovered in Southeast Asia

We saw them open for the Beatles.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE WANT TO KNOW WHO DID THIS STUDY

Couples who do chores together are happier: Sharing the dishes eases tension and boosts women's sex drive, study finds

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE FEATURING TOM CRUISE *AND* BRAD PITT

Idiot thieves' attempt at stealing an ATM is an epic fail

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

WE ASSUME 'BFF' IS ALSO FORBIDDEN

A Massachusetts family is looking for a new preschool for their 4-year-old daughter because her current school has barred use of the term "best friend."

(Thanks to Laurie Ann)

OF COURSE, SIR! NO PROBLEM!

The suspect, pulled over by city police on Federal Street, told the officer that he didn't have a license and asked if he could give the keys to his wife, who was sitting in the back seat, "so we can all move on from this," according to a post on the department's Facebook page.

The "so we can all move on" defense.

(Thanks to Laurie Ann)

EVEN CANADIANS HAVE THEIR LIMITS

Toronto commuters turn on accordionists playing Despacito in subway cars

(Thanks to Roberto)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

11:35 a.m. A large rock was discovered between a rug store and an ice cream shop.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

NAME THAT STATE!

Man’s own dashboard camera shows him committing burglary

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Jon Harris and Wordsworth in NJ)

THESE KIDS TODAY

UC Berkeley students elect a squirrel to the ASUC Senate

(Thanks to Sandra Harder and PirateBoy)

IT'S ABOUT TIME

Blue balls mystery solved by scientists

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

SO THE PUPPET ALSO TOOK THE OATH?

Punishment doled out after officer takes oath with hand puppet

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, who says "Constitution? What Constitution?")

SOMETHING NO HUMAN HAS EVER BEEN ABLE TO DO

Robot assembles IKEA chair frame

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

WE ASSUME IT WAS DUCT TAPE

Please see the attached photo of the front page of the Alameda Sun. It appears that the City Manager and the District Attorney will be very closely associated.

-- Charlie Eilhardt

Headline

CSI: WACO

Man steals meat, exposes himself during confrontation

(Thanks to DDWalker)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Homeowner finds naked intruder in her tub, eating Cheetos

(Thanks to basically everybody)

WALES WEATHER UPDATE

'And there'll be a cold front bringing some rain along the Nazi ghosts...'

(Thanks to The Perts)

April 19, 2018

HEY, GUYS ARE GUYS

Optogenetic study shows that male flies find ejaculation pleasurable

(Thanks to James in NC)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Scientists grow human brain in tiny rodent

(Thanks to Robert Harvey, Al Barkafski, Mark Schlesinger, Le Petomane and DaninDallas)

FORGET ABOUT THOSE NORTH KOREAN MISSILES

A giant indoor farm in China is breeding 6 billion cockroaches a year

(Thanks to Mario Valdes-Lora)

URGENT ADVISORY

It’s called the floss dance, and if you want to be down with the kids you better learn how to do it.

(Thanks to James Flynn)

The Blog's daughter informs the Blog that "It's not new. It's been around at least a year."

WHERE IS THE UN HUMAN RIGHTS COUNCIL?

Norway’s high school graduates should refrain from running naked across bridges and having sex on roundabouts lest they give drivers “too much of a surprise”, the national transport regulator said on Wednesday.

(Thanks to Ralph)

YIKES

An Unexpected Asteroid Buzzed by Earth Last Sunday

(Thanks to The Perts)

We saw Unexpected Asteroid open for David Bowie.

IT'S JUST FOR PERSONAL USE, OFFICER DUDE

Traffic stop leads to SUV packed full of marijuana

(Thanks to Jane Linderman and Al Barkafski)

UPDATE

The Poop Train's Reign Of Terror In Small-Town Alabama Has Ended

(Thanks to B'game)

NO DOUBT EN ROUTE TO FLORIDA

Driver strips naked, dances in street after causing 5-vehicle pileup in Westland, police say

(Thanks to Stella Rondo, Al Barkafski, Michael Huber, Michael Parry, John Criswell and Patty Villanova)

April 18, 2018

WE CANNOT HELP OURSELVES

Scientists just recreated the horrendous substance found deep inside Uranus

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AMONG OTHER THINGS, SHE REARRANGED HIS UNDERWEAR

Man 'to bill his spoiled wife' over 'exceptionally difficult' mother-in-law

(Thanks to John Finn)

FORGET ABOUT THE EAGLES CONCERT

What I’m witnessing is a teaser for a six-hour, 176-snail ballet called Slow Pixel that the two artists are bringing to London later this month for its UK premiere as part of Cryptic’s Sonica festival. For only £4.50, you can watch illuminated snails crawl around a darkened room to challenging music.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THIS MOVIE, AND IT DOES NOT END WELL

Baboons use barrel to escape Texas research facility, officials say

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb, Roberto, Al Barkafski, Dan Barr and MOTW)

HE WILL ALSO RECEIVE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Russian Man Who Rammed Store in Stolen Armored Vehicle Sentenced to 2.5 Years

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR FECAL VENEER

Terrifying vegan croissant on sale

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NEWS TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY

...a whole body of research that shows pretty definitively that bacteria from our poop is absolutely everywhere.

(Thanks to Tina Condon, who notes that "Fecal Veneer" WBAGNFARB.)

APPARENTLY THEY HAVE A PET RACCOON THAT GOT INTO THEIR METH.'

Pet raccoon, stoned off of too much weed, brought to Indianapolis firehouse. Confusion ensues.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Ron W. and Ralph)

April 17, 2018

WORST IDEA EVER

Robotic battle squirrel

(Thanks to Dave Kearns)

BRILLIANT

Guy Breaks Into GameStop Wearing The Plastic Wrap A Case Of Water Bottles Comes In As A Mask

(Thanks to John Lobert)

 
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