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January 23, 2018

SO IT USED TO BE COOL?

Stilton cancels annual cheese rolling because ‘it’s not cool anymore’

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

TRAFFIC ALERT, DUDE

120 pounds of pot fall from trailer driving down I-80

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

MONGO LIKE EAGLES

Another Eagles fan arrested for punching police horse

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Allen at Division)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Villagers put frozen 'meteor' in fridge — turns out to be airplane poop

(Thanks to Ranald Adams, Le Petomane, Al Barkafski and PirateBoy)

NOW HE FACES THE SCALES OF JUSTICE

Man stole exotic fish from Clearwater pet shop, shoved them down pants

(Thanks to Ralph)

January 22, 2018

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE DISGUSTING

Scientists Have Figured Out Why Human Skin Doesn't Leak

(Thanks to The Perts)

HARD TO BELIEVE THEY COULD *BE* ANY MORE HANDSOME

A dozen beasts have been disqualified from this year’s Saudi “camel beauty contest” because their handlers used Botox to make them more handsome.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THE POLICE ARE ALL OVER THIS

Doughnut-eating champ charged with stealing from Dunkin’

(Thanks to Jon Harris, Alkali Bill and Peter Metrinko)

CSI: FLATHEAD COUNTY

12:35 p.m. A chicken was wandering around a local parking lot and a crowd of spectators was gathering to see what it would do next.

(Thanks to funny man)

AND IN SPORTS

A goalkeeper's water bottle was urinated in during a match, prompting police to arrest an opposition fan.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

FROM PIG INTESTINE

A SURGEON is working to create a bionic vagina in a groundbreaking medical project

We saw Bionic Vagina open for... wait, that sounds bad.

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

IT'S CIA

Russian police face the unexpected: crocodile in basement

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and Jeff Meyerson, who notes that it was released after producing a Florida driver's license.)

January 21, 2018

'WHAT THE HECK! I DIDN'T ORDER THAT!'

Kid Orders Bong Online, Mom Makes Him Open It In Front Of Her

(Thanks to John Lobert)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Dozens dressed as Tyrannosaurus rex descend on public square

(Thanks to The Perts)

AND IN SPORTS

City crews dubbing themselves the Crisco Cops were greasing light poles around Philadelphia Sunday morning to prevent Eagles fans from climbing after the NFC Championship game.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

MEANWHILE IN MOUNDVILLE

Fight over cheesecake portion leads to arrest

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and DaninDallas)

WHEN FUTURE GENERATIONS TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW WE WENT SO WRONG

They will start here.

January 20, 2018

BECAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY A REAL THING

Man driving a Tesla in San Francisco 'tries to get out of a DUI by saying his car was on AUTOPILOT'

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

THERE IS STUPID, AND THEN THERE IS CALIFORNIA STUPID

California 'raw' water fans pay $9 a gallon for Oregon tap water

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

'HAGGIS FACTORY BLUNDER' MAY WELL BE THE BEST BAND NAME EVER

Four sacked after Macsween’s haggis factory blunder

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

TAKE THAT, AUSTRALIA

Huge Snapping Turtle in Frozen Arkansas Lake

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

CSI: SLIDELL

Suspicious package at Slidell post office contained 70 pounds of feces

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Send it to Washington.")

January 19, 2018

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Dr Pepper-Drinking Donkey Returns Home After Missing For 2 Years

(Thanks to MOTW)

WE STAND CORRECTED

I've gotten a number of hits from your blog, and I will never turn down traffic from someone I've admired for as long as I can remember, but unfortunately my site is pure, hyper-local satire.

"Cold enough to chip a nipple" is something people in Maine say. I wrote the piece expecting it to bomb on the site, and only appeal to a limited number of my personal friends. It's now my biggest performing piece by a long shot. Orders of magnitude. Hopefully I can be linked from your blog again because you find my work completely hilarious, but in the meantime, I am oddly sad to have to report Maine is not actually suffering an epidemic of chipped nipples.

Thank you so much,

Seth Macy

HE WAS TAKING THE MOST DIRECT ROUTE TO FLORIDA

“He bought a vehicle this morning and as he was leaving, he accidentally drove the vehicle into the showroom through a large window,” Timmons said.

(Thanks to Dave Emery)

YIKES

Toxic Extract Used in Poison Arrows Could Be The Future of Male Contraception

(Thanks to S.M.L. fractalist)

LEGAL TACTIC OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Maine man punches self in face to avoid sobriety test

(Thanks to Bill Carver and Le Petomane)

IF IT'S ONLINE, IT MUST BE LEGIT

Man Claiming To Be Time Traveler From Year 6000 Releases Video Online

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

GUYS IN ACTION

Guy Breaks Buddy's TV Trying Virtual Reality For The First Time

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Five-foot long tapeworm came 'wiggling out' of man's body after he ate sushi

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "So even tapeworms can't stand sushi.")

WE'VE WAITED SO LONG FOR THIS DAY TO ARRIVE

THE FACE OF FRANK ZAPPA HAS MIRACULOUSLY APPEARED ON A DOORKNOB

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE BLAME PORN

Florida man arrested for DUI after mistaking bank drive-thru for Taco Bell

(Thanks to Ralph)

OFFERING WARMTH AND NEAR-TOTAL IMMOBILITY

$1,000 thigh-high Uggs hit the runway

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

BECAUSE WE'VE SOLVED ALL OUR OTHER PROBLEMS

Florida Legislature could declare pornography a health risk

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

January 18, 2018

SEEMS COMMENSURATE

Man torches parents’ house to avenge decade-old fart prank

(Thanks to Poker)

WE'RE TEMPTED TO SAY THEY WANTED TO BE KEPT ABREAST OF THE NEWS, BUT THAT WOULD BE BENEATH THIS BLOG

Porn site reveals it saw a 50% increase in traffic from users in Hawaii in the minutes after the ballistic missile threat was revealed to be a false alarm

(Thanks to Another Ralph and Jon Harris)

SEND THIS SWISS TOWN TO WASHINGTON

Swiss town denies passport to Dutch vegan because she is ‘too annoying’

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man's bomb hoax to stop wife’s night out in Minehead

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

'NARROWLY AVOIDED HAVING HIS TODGER BITTEN'

Frenchman comes eye to eye with horror toilet python

(Thanks to Zeus Marcos)

We saw Horror Toilet Python open for the Clash.

DUH

Most dog owners would rather hang out with their pet than people

(Thanks to wanderer2575)

THAT'LL TEACH HIM

Jaywalker issued summons after being hit by truck in Hackensack

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

IT'S A GATEWAY TO DOGS

China's youth obsessed by cat sniffing

(Thanks to funny man)

ATTENTION, MONTY PYTHON:

UK appoints loneliness minister to combat ‘sad reality of modern life’

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Michael Parry)

CANADA: A LAWLESS LAND

Montrealer Creates Car Out Of Snow To Confuse The Police

(Thanks to Steve Thompson and Ralph)

 

January 17, 2018

VALENTINE'S DAY IS COMING

Dinosaur Tail To Be Auctioned For Mexico Quake Reconstruction

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "At a reserve price of $95,805, that is one expensive piece of tail.")

DUDE, THAT IS BOLD

Cannabis plants stolen from WA police at guarded crime scene

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

GUYS IN ACTION

'Sharp' dad uses machete as ice scraper to clean off windshield

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: WEBSTER, MASS.

Massachusetts Police Arrest Man for Stealing Manhole Covers

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THIS JUST IN

Internet spots crude image in Texas weather map

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE ARCHIES

Avocados Still Exist Thanks to Ancient Sloth Poops

(Thanks to Ralph)

 
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