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December 16, 2017

THAT EXPLAINS THE SCREECHING

Mechanic performing oil change finds owl under car’s hood in Salem

(Thanks to Ralph, who says "not firing on owl cylinders.")

THE BATTLE FOR BABY JESUS

Sheep, Mary tussle over baby Jesus in children's pageant gone hilariously awry

(Thanks to L. Raymond)

The video at the link didn't work for us, but the Facebook video linked in the story did.

MEANWHILE IN GOLF

A pensioner was filmed running after a cockerel with a driver on his 65th birthday in an incident that could only be described as bizarre.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALWAYS EXCELLENT

The funniest animals from the 2017 Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

(Thanks to The Perts)

FLORIDA DEMANDS A RECOUNT

Best and Worst Drivers by State 2017

(Thanks to Moe Money)

KNOWN BY WHOM?

Scientists Find Earliest Known Penis

(Thanks to funny man, "who didn't know it was missing.")

THE GOOD NEWS: HE PROBABLY WON'T REMEMBER

Man arrested after urinating on £70 worth of Pot Noodles

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THAT'S THE POINT

Even Small Amounts of Alcohol Impair Memory

(Thanks to Wiredog)

December 15, 2017

IN THAT CASE SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Oregon man claims Taylor Swift told him to stab stranger

(Thanks to Steve K. who says "He does seem like her type.")

AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT BRIDGE IS FLORIDA

Man rescued after driving into river, Ohio police say he thought there was a bridge there

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

CSI: WEST VIRGINIA

Jealous Boyfriend Set Strip Joint Fire

(Thanks to James Flynn)

'ON SUSPICION OF DRUNK DRIVING'

Driver arrested after Mercedes ends up wedged upright in London street

(Thanks to Nigel Grout)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man demonstrates how to fell tree with a shotgun

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

'SOME IN JEDI COSTUME'

‘Star Wars’ Fans Storm Theater Lobby Over Lack Of Sound During ‘Last Jedi’

A FEEL-GOOD STORY FROM PHATTHALUNG PROVINCE

A group of villagers in Thailand banded together to rescue a massive 450-pound catfish that became stranded in a swamp after flooding in the area.

They transported it in a motorcycle sidecar.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE WITH IT

Rude tit swoops in and steals squirrel’s nut

(Thanks to Ralph)

LOOKING FOR A UNIQUE HOLIDAY GIFT?

Look no farther.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Unholy Slacker)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Star Wars lettuce.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FIRST THE POOPING BOMB DOG AT MIDWAY, AND NOW THIS

Two polar bears chased off runway in Utqiagvik

(Thanks to Jane from Kenai)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

8:46 a.m. A Martin City woman called 911 and said, “You’ll never help me.” Then she went on and listed her grievances.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE ARE NOT AMUSED

Dave --

I was at the Miami-Dade Library annual book sale and came across your book, "Dave Barry Turns 40." What's amusing is that it was located in the Spirituality/Religious section.

Ariel

DOES THIS MEAN WE CAN KEEP OUR SHOES ON?

Midway bomb-sniffing dog has pooping problem

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says this could actually improve the Midway experience.)

FROSTY THE ASSAULT FORCE

Man charged over rocket launcher snowman in Londonderry

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

SO HANG IN THERE, LADIES

Women more unhappy than men until they reach mid-80s

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

December 14, 2017

TERRORISM UPDATE

‘Large possum’ pinned to power outage in northern Rio Rancho

(Thanks to Alkali Bill, who says "Sounds like a squirrel in disguise to me.")

DON'T BOTHER WITH MIAMI, EITHER

Charity that provides support for virgin Danish women over 40 admits it can't find any

(Thanks to Geoff Scott)

SO THERE'S STILL ONE MISSING

Another Human Foot Washes Ashore in Canada. That Makes 13.

(Thanks to ubetcha)

WE BET THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY WAS DRIVING IT CRAZY

Bovine Escapes Live Nativity in Philly Twice in One Morning; Makes Way Onto I-95, Parking Garage

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THIS IS HOW WE PICTURE HEAVEN

Air 'smells like bacon' after semi-truck crash spills meat onto roadway

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

ON THE PLUS SIDE, 'OBSCENE CONTRAILS' WOULD BE A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

U.S. Navy sends Okanogan School Dist. letter of apology for obscene sky drawing

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

'THIS IS A PATIENT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT, NOT AN AUTOGRAPH BOOK'

Surgeon admits marking his initials on the livers of two patients

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan, who says "I don't know what fuss is about; people get their body parts tattooed all the time... and this guy didn't even charge extra.")

HO HO... NO.

Sriracha Candy Canes

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

YOU CAN ALSO JUST HIT THEM WITH A HAMMER

We can make plants pass out—with the same drugs that mysteriously knock us out

(Thanks to R. Harvey)

December 13, 2017

O CANADUDE

Your neighbourhood weed retailer will be called CannabisNB

(Thanks to The Perts)

AFTER OPENING FOR BEYONCE

Loose monkey dodges capture in Tokyo for over a week

(Thanks to funny man)

THEY HAD A GOOD RUN

Future of kebabs to be decided today in key vote

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE HOPE THAT AT LEAST IT WAS A CLEAN CAR

Uber charges Toronto rider $14,400 for a 20-minute rush hour ride

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

FLATHEAD COUNTY: WHERE CRIME NEVER TAKES A DAY OFF

2:56 p.m. A Columbia Falls woman called police on her own cat.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

ATTENTION, ART-LOVERS:

'Monster' fatberg to go on display in museum

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Ralph)

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

Man Biting Passengers On JetBlue Flight Forces Plane To Turn Around

(Thanks to D Shey)

HO HO HO

Christmas decorations go VIRAL for all the WRONG reasons

We also see this look a lot on the lawns of South Florida.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

MEANWHILE IN THE ARTS

Flaming Bagpiper Dressed As Rebel Pilot Takes Down An AT-AT While Riding Unicycle

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IN THE TRUE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON

You can now get your boyfriend's face 3D-printed on a sex toy this Christmas

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

CSI: DENVER, PA.

Woman stole salad dressing, hurt store worker

(Thanks to Honey Mustard)

WE HAVE BAD NEWS AND GOOD NEWS

Smokers who get boob jobs have a high risk of their nipples falling off - but blood-sucking LEECHES can save them

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

December 12, 2017

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Men Suffer More When Sick, Study Suggests

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

BECAUSE IT *WORKS,* DAMMIT

Two Ohio families have accidentally burned down their homes trying to kill bed bugs in two weeks

Ohio: The Florida of the Midwest.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, PUFF AWAY

They made her put out her cigarette. She then threatened to kill everyone on the plane.

(Thanks to Chris Johnson, who says "I don't really feel like she was overreacting.")

ALWAYS STOP AT 49

Having 50 orgasms a day is pure torture

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

THEY COULD JUST COME TO MIAMI

Turkish University Course to Prepare Students for Alien Encounters

(Thanks to Ralph)

 
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