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August 21, 2017

ALERT LEVEL: TRÈS HIGH

British recipe for 'sausage croissant' sparks social media uproar in France

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

NAME THAT STATE!

A man was arrested after police say he had a hatchet in his pants, according to a report.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUYS IN ACTION

Father-of-three who got drunk and dug a 4ft deep hole in his garden at 3am transforms it into a 200 sq ft swimming pool and sauna

(Thanks to Roberto)

A GUMSHOE WAS ASSIGNED TO THE CASE

A wary woman in southern Germany alerted police after a man buzzed on the door and asked for permission to search her balcony for his false teeth.

(Thanks to Ralph)

August 20, 2017

ADVISORY TO CARJACKERS BRANDISHING FAKE GUNS:

Make sure the car is not occupied by football players.

Screen Shot 2017-08-20 at 12.46.08 PM

(Thanks to Steve K.)

OTHER THAN THAT...

NASA plan to save Mankind from Yellowstone supervolcano eruption could trigger NUKE WINTER

Autoplay.

(Thanks to coscolo and Le Petomane, who says "A big fireproof cork is under serious consideration.")

SPEAKING OF SCIENCE:

It's settled.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

'BUT HONEY, IT'S FOR SCIENCE'

Casper gentlemen's club offers 'adult-oriented' camping for eclipse

(Thanks to funny man)

HIKERS TAKE HEED:

“Reminder: don't eat fajitas before attempting a slot canyon or you will get wedged and end up in the ICU covered in dish soap."

Autoplay.

(Thanks to hugetracts)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

She was in the parent pick-up line at school. So she snorted some cocaine, police say

(Thanks to Andrew Simmons)

August 19, 2017

AS THE HOLIDAY SEASON APPROACHES...

Snake-Mailing Rules Revisited

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

MAYBE HE GOT DISTRACTED TRYING TO REPORT HIMSELF

DUI suspect slams into 'report drunk drivers' sign in rollover crash near Santa Cruz

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SHE GOT 500 FEET

Zoo's Tortoise Spends 2 Weeks on the Lam

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

AND THEN, IN PERFECT UNISON, THEY INVADED SOUTH KOREA

More than a thousand robots performed a choreographed dance routine together to set a world record in China.

(Thanks to funny man)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Lake Worth man turns violent when restaurant employees say there's no free pizza

(Thanks to funny man)

BOTH HEADS HAVE VALID DRIVERS' LICENSES

Turtle with two heads spotted in Florida

(Thanks to John Lobert)

HE NOW OWNS TWO FERRARIS AND 78,000 CHEW TOYS

A Dog Dug Up $85,000 of Black Tar Heroin in His Backyard

(Thanks to Rick Day and funny man)

FLORIDA: STATE OF ROMANCE

45 men facing charges for having sex in public places in Martin County

(Thanks to Steve Heller)

UH-OH

The Surprising Reason Toyota Just Patented a 'Cloaking Device'

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TOKENS

Tiny 'Organoids' Promise Big Boost to Medical Care

(Thanks to The Perts)

"MY WIFE SAID, 'I THINK THE BRIDGE IS OPENING.'"

Driver forced to gun engine and jump rising drawbridge

(Thanks to Geoff)

HE AND HIS HORSE ARE WELCOME ON THE STREETS OF MIAMI

Lumberjack in court after breaking 19th century law - being drunk in charge of a horse

(Thanks to Roberto)

EVERY FLORIDIAN FEARS THIS

Doctors remove live gecko that climbed into man's ear canal

(Thanks to funny man, Judy B and Ralph)

August 18, 2017

THERE'S A SONG* ABOUT THAT

Chemicals released into a river in Mumbai are turning stray dogs bright blue.

(Thanks to The Perts)

*This one.

FOR THE CAT, ANYWAY

Forget What You've Heard. Being a Cat Lady Is Healthy.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS NATION IS IN TROUBLE

Millennials don't care for boobs that much, according to a new study

(Thanks to The Perts)

'OH YEAH? I'M TRASHY?'

Michelle Eastwood said a chunk of hair was ripped from her head inside children’s store Crazy 8 at Monroeville Mall just before closing time Tuesday night.

(Thanks to funny man)

WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE A LIVE GECKO IN YOUR GULLET

Snake throws up live gecko when lizards attack

Incredibly, this did not happen in Australia.

(Thanks to funny man)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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GUYS IN ACTION, II

Guys Display Their Speed And Agility By Punching A Bear Trap Before It Closes

"Speed and agility" is not what they're displaying, if you ask us.

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

FORGET MAYWEATHER VS. MCGREGOR

For free you can watch Paraglider vs. Cow.

(Thanks to Roberto)

THIS IS HOW IT STARTS

Christa Lawrence is still laughing after a mischievous little red squirrel raided her campsite's toilet-paper supply.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Millennials want luxury sheets, Peloton exercise bikes and music festival tickets, but they don’t always have enough cash or a desire to put them on a credit card. So they are turning to an even more expensive method of payment: financing.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

GUYS IN ACTION

World's fastest shed, based on Volkswagen Passat, to attempt 100mph

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

AS AN ANXIOUS NATION WATCHES

Constipated gorilla in Kansas zoo recovering after surgery

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Related: Constipation is an American epidemic

(Thanks to Roberto, who asks: "If this is epidemic, can I get infected by shaking hands or standing too close to somebody?")

Also Vaguely Related: 27-year-old crappie record broken

Name We Are Not Making Fun Of: Fesstus Stalder"

(Thanks to MOTW)

August 17, 2017

'RAVISHED BY A TRICERATOPS'

Dinosaur erotica was pioneered by two Texas A&M students

(Thanks to Bobby Grawl)

WE ARE APPROACHING PEAK FLORIDA

Woman drunkenly bites man's fishing line at St. Johns County pier

(Thanks to Rick Day and Another Ralph)

Experts advise that if you're going to bite somebody's fishing line, you should do it soberly.

TOTALLY APPROPRIATE

Upon learning that a McDonald’s ice cream machine was out of order, an aggrieved drive-thru customer retrieved a replica of an AR-15 rifle from his car’s trunk, prompting terrified workers to lock themselves in the Florida restaurant’s bathroom and call 911, police report.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

MAKES FOR A CATCHY JINGLE

China bans strange company names after condom firm calls itself ‘There is a Group of Young People with Dreams, Who Believe They Can Create Wonders of Life Under Uncle Niu's Leadership Internet Technology’

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

Scene in a Chinese bedroom:

Woman: I'm ready!

Man: Me too! Let me just put on this product from There is a Group of Young People with Dreams, Who Believe They Can Create Wonders of Life Under Uncle Niu's Leadership Internet Technology!

Woman: zzzzzzz

IT WILL BE BACK

Scientists create Terminator-style robot with self-healing ‘flesh’

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

AND IN SPORTS

Red Sox cameraman takes first pitch right in the junk

(Thanks to mezrap, who says "Ball two!")

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Japan Is Selling Ice Cream That Doesn't Melt

(Thanks to mezrap)

YOU KNOW THE CONTINENT

Snake found wrapped around child's toys

Key Biology Fact: Like young men in their 20s, snakes "drop common sense" during mating season, Mr Harrison told AAP.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

SO YOU CAN STOP WORRYING ABOUT NORTH KOREA

Huge Blobs of Fat and Trash Are Filling the World’s Sewers

Autoplay.

(Thanks to MOTW)

WE LIVE IN DANGEROUS TIMES

A quarter of people suffer waxing, trimming, ‘manscaping’ injuries

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Joe in Japan and Allen at Division)

August 16, 2017

THEY'RE OVER BY THE HOTTIES

H-E-B president wonders what aisle 'hoochies' are on after finding grocery list

(Thanks to Bobby Grawl)

SOON THERE WILL BE NOTHING LEFT OF THIS ONCE-GREAT NATION

Chuck E. Cheese's animatronics may take a final bow

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

BOLO

‘Jorts-wearing bandit’ hits St. Louis

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

LIKE A WINDSHIELD BUG ON A MUCH LARGER SCALE

Dead whale found stuck to bow of Princess cruise ship entering Alaska port

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "The Oregon Highway department is on the way to remove it.")

THE WIDOW USED PEPPER SPRAY

Man's widow, girlfriend have brawl at funeral home during viewing

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says, "Other than that...")

 
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