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August 14, 2017

'IT'S FRUITIST'

Pineapples have appeared on a list of items banned from this year's Reading and Leeds Festivals, alongside fireworks and weapons.

(Thanks to Guin)

A FLORIDA PILOT'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Slidell police arrest man for doing 'donuts' on airport runway

(Thanks to Bayou Girl)

AND IN SPORTS

Georgia man repeats as kale-eating champ

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

TIME TO EVACUATE THE CONTINENT

An Australian dad vacuuming his house called for help when he made an unexpected discovery -- a venomous snake hiding next to his baby's crib.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WE'LL PASS, THANKS

Meet the ‘Poo Bomber’: A woman who shoplifts then defecates in the store before leaving

(Thanks to Iron Mouth, mezrap and Al Barkafski)

WE SAW R.S.F.W.G.P. OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Billions of randy super-fleas with giant PENISES set to plague homes as a result of Britain's soggy summer

(Thanks to Ralph and Roberto)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

A furious bride-to-be snapped in a row with her fiance, driving for three-and-a-half miles with him on the bonnet of a new £60,000 Range Rover he paid for after she caught him smoking.

(Thanks to Roberto, who asks: "Is 'riding on the bonnet' some English euphemism?") (Also thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SUUUUUURE

Banker claims he accidentally flew to LAS VEGAS instead of returning to his pregnant wife in Britain following a business trip in Germany after 'airline staff failed to notice he had the wrong tickets and he fell asleep'

(Thanks to Roberto)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO RETURN TO WONDERLAND

Man destroys liquor store construction site, blames 'hookah-smoking caterpillar'

Grace Slick could not be reached for comment.

(Thanks to Jane in Kenai, Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

 
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